Chapter 14: Let's Go to the Hop
Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
It was late at night where a storm ocurred and while it shot out lightning and thundered, a cargo plane was flying in it. Over its side a huge sticker reading "OVERNIGHT" peeled off to reveal the word "COLUMBIA" all in capital as it panned to the right to another huge sticker this time reading "EXPRESS" which peeled off to reveal more of what the plane really is as it read "CARTEL" and the last huge sticker that read "DELIVERY" peeled off to reveal nothing behind it. Soon after, however, lightning struck the left wing, where inside the plane, smoke produced spreading into the cockpit. This got the attention of the pilots operating the plane, who then jumped out in a hurry.
The pilots discussed with each other about the fate of their aircraft as it cut to the plane crashing into what appeared to be a nearby park. In the aftermath, a toad hopped out of the wreck, along with a few others, who then hopped off into the city.
The next day, two teenagers were walking down a neighborhood.
"Dude, the Bronze Age was so much cooler than the Iron Age." One of the teens said. He had brunette hair, braces and wore a green jacket and a light green beanie and backpack.
"Dude, dude, the Iron Age could kick the Bronze Age's butt any day of the week." The other teen said back to his friend. He had orange hair and wore a light blue jacket and blue backpack.
"Could not." Teen #1 argued shoving his friend.
"Could, too!" Teen #2 defended shoving his friend back.
"Could not!" Teen #1 argued repeating his first statement pushing Teen #2 to the ground, where his tongue just so happened to come in contact with a familiar looking toad. "Ew. Gross, man."
Teen #2 looked at the toad before turning to his friend and getting high from the toad.
"You okay?" Teen #1 asked.
"Whoa!" Teen #2 exclaimed. "Everything's so...significant!" He picked up the toad. "Dude, you gotta try this!"
"Not even!" Teen #1 rejected. "It's got your germs on it."
"Not this end." Teen #2 said turning the toad to its back.
Teen #1 then licked the toad's back and immediately started experiencing the drug trip his friend had.
"I can see the air!" Teen #1 said. "And you what else? I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night. It's a comedy that's too good to be funny."
"Dude, you're trippin'." Teen #2 said as he and his friend skipped merrily down the neighborhood while psychedelic 60s music played in the background.
It cut to the Griffin house where Peter, Lois, Brian, John and Tyler were watching a Double Fresh Gum commercial on TV while Lois was folding clothes.
The commercial showed an outdoor pool as two sister swimmers rose from the water and swam over together to get out where it revealed they were conjoined twins as they took out and shared a piece of Double Fresh gum. It showed another pair of conjoined twins who then roll down a hill happily. Next, it showed another pair of conjoined twins whose heads are attached to each other as they rode a bike and shared some Double Fresh gum. Finally, it cut to one last pair of conjoined twins who were attached to the stomache and they were about to take surgery as they crossed fingers.
"Hey, we should go to the circus." Peter suggested as it then cut to Channel 5 News.
"In local news, a new drug craze has Quahog students licked." Diane reported. "It's called 'Toad'."
"'Toad'?" John and Tyler exclaimed in unison.
"The Columbian Spotted Toad, to be precise, Diane." Tom informed Diane. "When licked, these toads trigger an intense psychedelic euphoria that...that's just great." Diane turned to Tom in confusion as Tom cleared his throat. "Ho-However, this intense psychedelic euphoria also acts as a toxin that can poison the licker. So, if the same toad is licked one too many times, it's game over."
Cuts to the group on the couch.
"This is awful." Lois lamented. "Now the drugs are in the schools?"
Cuts back to Tom and Diane.
"For you parents, toad licking is also known as 'lily padding,' 'Frenching the Prince,' and 'doing Kermit.'" Tom reported.
Cuts back to everyone on the couch.
"I didn't want to know about that last one." Tyler said.
"Well, at least we don't watch the Muppets." John remarked.
"Well, at least our kids know better." Lois said checking the back pocket of one of Chris' pants. "What the-" To her surprise, she pulled out a live toad. "AH!"
Upstairs, Chris was looking at his sea monkey tank.
"Hello, little sea monkeys." Chris greeted his pets, who were then shown having dinner.
"He's back." The daughter sea monkey said.
"Don't look at him, honey. Eat your potatoes." The father sea monkey told his daughter.
Chris tapped the glass, much to the annoyance of the sea monkey family.
"Steve, do something." The mother sea monkey insisted to her husband.
"Brenda, we've been over this." The father sea monkey reminded the mother sea monkey. "Let's just pick up our plates and go eat in the hollow castle."
They all picked up their plates and headed inside the hollow castle at the other end of the tank.
Peter, Lois, Brian, John and Tyler then entered the room and confronted Chris.
"Young man, where did you get this toad?" Lois demanded presenting Chris the toad from in his other pants.
"I-It's not mine!" Chris answered.
"Believe me, Chris, you don't want to mess with drugs." Peter told Chris. "I tried them once. Big mistake. Things got way too real."
Cutaway #1
Peter was experiencing the effects of a drug that featured him in the real world where only his head is still cartoonish in a slightly creepy way as he began to freak out over this new setting.
"Holy crap, I am freakin' out!" Peter said with a disturbing lip animation on his mouth.
(A/N: I'm gonna say it right out, REALISTIC PETER IS SCARY!)
End
"Peter, may I?" Brian asked stepping in front of Chris. "You're walking down a hallway. You take a left. You keep walking. You take a left! Then a right! Brick wall!"
Chris got scared by this as there were not only Chris' scream, but also the screams of what sounded like girls. Everyone then turned to John and Tyler.
"Sorry." The duo apologized in unison.
"Anyway, yeah, he's tweaked." Brian said walking out of the room.
"Am not!" Chris protested.
"All right, smartguy. How many of me do you see?" Tyler challenged Chris standing in wide view so that he could see his and possibly the other hallucinations pretending to be Tyler.
"3." Chris answered.
"See? He is trippin'!" Tyler insisted.
"Uh, Tyler." John asked Tyler.
"What?" Tyler asked as John merely pointed to Tyler's left side as it then showed two other Tylers standing right there.
"WHERE DID THEY ALL COME FROM?!" Tyler asked.
"You called for us, right?" Tyler #1 asked Tyler with a low-pitched voice.
"Yeah, you said for three of you, right?" Tyler #2 asked with a high-pitched voice.
"GET OUT OF HERE!" Tyler demanded.
The Tylers did as the real Tyler ordered and left the room.
"Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad." Chris theorized.
"What did you say?!" John asked Chris.
"Oh, now don't you try to palm this off on your sister." Lois brushed off Chris' claims. "She's a good girl."
"Oh, yeah? What about the time she strangled our other sister?" Chris questioned.
"Well, that's because- Wait, what?" John asked being taken by surprise by Chris' question.
"Now, Chris, we told you, that was just a very bad dream." Lois told Chris suspiciously.
"But I remember it so-" Chris was about to say.
"IT WAS A DREAM!" Peter and Lois shouted suspiciously.
John and Tyler were dumbfounded by this and before they even had the chance to talk, Meg came in with a piece of paper.
"Mom, can you sign this for my field trip?" Meg asked.
"Sure, sweetheart." Lois said as she was about to be handed over the paper before something caught John's eye, to which he then grabbed Meg's wrist and held her hand close to see what he saw. "John, what are you... *gasps* Meg, you have a wart!"
Peter and Lois were alone with Meg in her room.
"Meg, how could you bring a toad into this house?" Lois asked Meg.
"It's not mine. I was just holding it for a friend." Meg claimed. "See...it was lunchtime..."
It then flashed back to Meg walking by outside while Connie D'Amico and her friends were licking a toad.
"Okay, Connie, you're up." said to Connie handing it to her.
But before Connie could lick the toad, Meg walked right into their act.
"Connie D'Amico does toad?" Meg reacted.
"I guess Miss Wears-A-Hat-All-The-Time is gonna narc on us, aren't you?" Connie D'Amico asked Meg as she and the other kids looked down upon Meg while she stared at the ground in shame.
"Mr. Berler's coming!"
"Oh, man! We are so busted!" Gina said.
"Put it in here. He wont check me." Meg said opening her backtrack to let Connie hide the toad inside it.
"All right. What's going on back here?" Mr. Berler demanded. "Oh, hello, Megan. Wait a minute. You're not part of the popular clique. You run along and play alone somewhere." Meg did as Mr. Berler ordered. "Shame on you all, getting her hopes up like that."
It then flashed back to the present.
"See, I thought if I held Connie D'Amico's toad, she'd make one of the cool guys ask me to the Winter Snow Ball." Meg explained.
"You're holding drugs so someone will invite you to a dance?" Lois asked realizing Meg's intentions. "Meg, haven't we taught you better than that?"
"Now-Now, hold on, Lois. Now, people do a lot of crazy things just to be accepted." Peter pointed out.
Cutaway #2
It showed the Supreme Court Justices in a fraternity type initiation for their new member, David Souter.
"I-I don't know about this." David Souter said laughing a bit.
"Hey, we all did it." Sandra Day O'Connor told Souter walking up to him. "If you wat to be a Supreme Court Justice, you gotta pick up that cherry with your butt cheeks and drop it in that beer." As she said this, it showed a single cherry sitting on top of a stool bench and panned to an obstacle course involving traffic cones, stacked chairs and tires all ending with a mug of beer lying on the floor.
"Come on!" One of the Justices cheered.
"Go, Souter!" Another cheered.
Souter then went for it as he managed to pick up the cherry with his buttocks and carefully navigated his way through the course as the others cheered him on.
"Oh, my God! I can't believe he did that!" One of the Justices exclaimed in amazement.
Souter then reached the goal and safely dropped the cherry in the mug, earning everyone's trust.
"I can't believe he did that!" One of them said as Souter drank the beer and caught the cherry with his teeth. "This guy is so in!"
End
"Oh, sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys want to ask you to the dance." Lois reassured Meg. "They're probably just shy or scared."
"Yeah, I was terrified of Pheobe Diamond to the prom." Peter said. "I finally got up the guts, but I-I had this damn nervous twitch."
Cutaway #3
A young Peter walked up to Pheobe Diamond, who was a tall cheerleader with blonde, curly hair in pigtails.
"Um, Ph-Ph-Pheobe?" Young Peter asked Pheobe.
"Yeah?" Pheobe responded as Peter began twitching.
"Uh, I-I was wondering if *twitch* if-if you'd, uh *twitch* d-do me the honor of-" Young Peter almost said before his right arm suddenly punched Pheobe so hard through her locker, to Peter's surprise and worry.
End
"I had such a crush on her." Peter reminisced about the glory days as he, too sat down on Meg's bed. "Until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal."
The smile on Lois' face quickly faded after hearing that last statement as Peter kissed her on the cheek.
Unbeknownst to them, John was eavesdropping on the conversation and turned away with a look of concern on his face.
Later that night, Lois was sitting on the bed in a robe watching a public service announcement about the toad epidemic on her bedroom TV. The PSA was a parody of the classic Tootsie Pop ad as it showed the boy from the ad walking up to an elderly toad.
"Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode Island State Prison?" The Boy asked the toad as prison bars closed in front of him.
"Just one!" The announcer said as it ended with the words "JUST ONE" on a black title card.
Lois turned off the TV as Peter was getting ready for bed.
"How could this happen?" Lois asked going into her drawer and fetching out some candles, lighting them up and then taking out a black vest and handing it to Peter. "I thought we lived in such a nice, small town."
"Eh, there's no such thing anymore, Lois." Peter said putting on the. "Things are a lot different than when we were kids."
"Well, it just makes me sad." Lois said putting on black stockings.
"Hey, it makes me sad, too, but, uh, you know." Peter said putting on what appeared to be S&M gear.
"I mean, if Meg is at risk, then so is Chris." Lois said removing her robe to reveal her also in S&M attire reaching in her drawer and pulling out and putting on fingerless gloves. "And Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it."
"Well, we ju-we just have to trust our kids to stay off drugs is all." Peter recommended putting on spiked cuffs.
"I do trust our kids. It's the other kids I don't trust." Lois said putting on S&M style boots. "It's also John and Tyler I'm worried about. Oh, and to think I wanted to send them to our kids' school to help them relearn their education on account of their amnesia."
"Yeah. Yeah, well, I guess-I guess it's-it's up to us as parents and legal guardians of two amnesiac boys to be apart of the solution." Peter said pulling out an S&M mask. "I'll go talk to the principal tomorrow."
"Thanks, honey." Lois thanked Peter kissing him and putting his mask on. "The safety word is 'banana'."
"I love you." Peter told Lois unzipping his mouth zipper before zipping it back as Lois pushed him on the bed and the door knocked.
"In a minute." Lois said as she put her robe back on and came to the door where she found John right there. "John?"
"Mrs. Griffin, I think I've come up with an idea to help you guys out with the drug problem going on." John told Lois.
"Really?" Lois asked. "What is it?"
"Well..." John said until it cut to the next morning at James Woods high school with Peter in the principal's office.
"And that was the plan my houseguest, John told me and my wife, Principal Shepard." Peter finished telling John's plan from last night to the school's principal. "So, are you on board?"
"But...y-you didn't tell me anything." Principal Shepard said. "You just sat down and said: 'And that was the plan my houseguest, John told me and my wife.' Who the hell is John, anyway?"
"Oh, oh, right." Peter said realizing his mistake. "I guess I better explain first. You see-" It then transitioned to Peter wrapping things up. "And that's what my houseguest, John wishes to do, Principal Shepard."
"Well, Mr. Griffin, I don't approve of letting a couple of boys attend this school solely for espionage." Principal Shepard disapproved kicking Peter out of his office.
Peter was back home when the wireless phone next to him rang and he answered.
"I love it!" Principal Shepard was on the other line and reconsidered. "You have the faculty's full support. But how exactly is he going to pull it off?"
"You let me worry about that, kitten." Peter replied hanging up when John and Tyler walked in. "Hey, John. Remember that plan you told me and my wife about last night?"
"Yeah." John answered.
"Well, I discussed it with the principal at Meg's school and he liked it." Peter explained. "And you have the faculty's full support."
"What?!" John responded.
"So, starting next week, you boys will be going to school." Peter said.
"WOO-HOO!" Tyler cheered at the news. "Wait, what plan?"
It then showed the entrance to James Woods high school and then at a poster reading "IF YOU LICK A TOAD... YOU'RE LICKING EVERY TOAD THAT TOAD HAS EVER BEEN WITH" while displaying two toads having coitus as it zoomed out to show students roaming the hallway while one student dressed in a light green t-shirt, dark green pants, sneakers resembling Chris', a blue baseball cap and glasses ran across the halls with an AV cart that had a slide machine on top as he halted while making a tire screech noise right behind Meg, who was getting stuff from her locker.
"Great." Meg muttered not please about the guy's presence.
"Hey, Meg. What's got four arms, four legs and one set of lips?" The nerd asked Meg. "You and me at the Winter Snow Ball. He-eh."
"Look, Neil, I don't-" Meg turned and almost said to the nerd before something offscreen caught her attention. "Oh, my God!"
It was John and Tyler as they were getting adjusted to their new day at school. Meg walked over to them to see if it was really them.
"John?" Meg hollered, which caught John's attention, but he didn't respond seeing that she seemed by him and Tyler's presence. "Tyler?"
"Oh, hi, Meg." John greeted having no choice, but to confront Meg. "You might be wondering why me and Tyler are doing here. Well, that's because-"
"We're new students!" Tyler said. "Sorry, I couldn't help myself."
"Are you guys crazy?" Meg asked the duo. "What are you doing here?"
"We already told you." Tyler said.
"Yeah, you told her." John said. "Look, if you must know, we're going undercover to help get rid of the toad problem in your school."
"Yeah, that way your school can be safe and innocent like the good ol' days." Tyler said.
Cutaway #4
It cut back to the Salem witch trials in a school where a girl was explaining the quadratic formula.
"Negative B, plus or minus radical B squared, minus 4AC over 2A." The girl answered.
"That's correct. A girl answered a math problem. You know what means..." The teacher said seemingly impressed before pointing at the girl. "A WITCH!"
The other students then repeated the word over and over as they pulled out rocks and threw them at the girl.
End
"Oh, God, please tell me I have a brain tumor and this is all just a side effect from the chemo." Meg said to herself hoping it wasn't really happened.
"Nope, it's real-" Tyler said before getting bonked in the head by John. "OW!"
"Look, Meg, please don't make such a big deal about this. We're just going to take care of the drug fiasco and we won't have to go here anymore, I swear."
"Hey, what are you doing in my locker?" Tyler said to something in his locker as it revealed to be a man.
"Your locker?" The man asked Tyler where the other side was revealed to be a train station.
"Say, Phil." Another man called out to the man. "What do you say to happy hour after work?"
"I'd say it looks like Cheryl's gonna have another blackeye to explain to the neighbors." Man #1 said as they both laughed. "Come on, I'm buyin'."
"Oh, yeah." Man #2 said.
"Weird." Tyler said closing his locker. A student walked by Tyler.
"Hey, man. Cool specs." The guy complimented Tyler's glasses.
"HOW DARE YOU?!" Tyler roared where his voice was lot like that of the purple female hippo from Rocko's Modern Life who says the exact same phrase as Tyler blasted a bolt of energy from his Chaos Emeralds at the student, sending the latter back flying.
"What was that for, Tyler?" John asked Tyler.
"You heard what he said!" Tyler said.
"But what did all that have to do with a pair of glasses?!" John asked again.
"Wait... You mean MY glasses?" Tyler asked in realization.
"Yeah, what did you think he meant?" John asked again.
"Oohhh..." Tyler realized his mistake and looked up at the damaged hallway. "Oops. Uh, sorry!"
Meg facepalmed at Tyler's mistake.
Eventually, lunchtime arrived. Meg took a seat at a table while John and Tyler were coming in.
"Hey, uh, does anybody know where me and my friend can get some toad?" John hollered out hoping to get a lead. "We would like to..." John then pulled out a piece of paper. "'French the Prince', uh... Oh, and 'Do some Kermit'"
"Anybody know where we can get toad?" Tyler hollered. "I'll pay you!"
"Guys, get away from me." Meg demanded to John and Tyler. "Connie D'amico is looking."
"So, that's Toad Girl?" John asked as it showed he and Tyler were instead looking at a human-sized toad with long, black hair and a pink outfit before catching a fly with her tongue.
"Yeah." Meg confirmed as it panned to Connie D'amico talking with her friends. "And that's Connie."
"Ooohhhh..." John and Tyler both exclaimed in realization in unison.
"And I thought for a second 'That is the ugliest popular kid I've ever seen'. Right, J-man? J-man?" Tyler turned to find John no longer by him and saw that he was headed toward Connie's table. "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to go see if I get something out of her." John answered.
"Good luck." Meg snuffed John's attempt. "She only talks to the cool kids."
"Oh, yeah? Well, we'll see about that." John said before heading over to the cool kids' table.
"No!" Meg exclaimed, but it was too late.
John stepped over to the cool kids' table and made a Fonz impression and even tried to do use the same technique from the show by tapping on the jukebox, but it obviously didn't work. So, John tries it again and a couple of more times, each one getting harder as the glass began to break. It only lead to John's anger building up and he soon unleashed his rage at the jukebox as he smashed the machine with his fists.
Upon realizing his mistake, John then noticed it got not only the cool kids' attention, but everyone else in the entire cafeteria as well.
"Whoa. That kid just smashed the jukebox!" One of the jocks commented on John's actions.
"Just like in the movies!" Another jock said.
"Hey, where'd that guy and his friend go?" One of the girls asked as it cut to the exit door closing.
The incident, however, managed to impress Connie as she began to take interest in John.
Later, the duo were sent to detention for the incident in the cafeteria earlier and it was being held at the library as they stepped in and spotted something.
"Holy crud, it's The Breakfast Club!" John exclaimed.
"What are they doing here?" Tyler wondered.
However, instead of the group of the movie of the same name, it was actually a group consisting of cereal mascots such as Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, the Trix Rabbit, Lucky the Leprechaun and Captain Crunch.
"You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner freakin' year at the Tiger House. I got a carton of cigarettes. Old man grabbed me and said 'Hey, smoke up, Tony! They're grrrreat!" Tony ranted. "Bastard."
Later, John and Tyler were spray painting the Nintendo 64 logo on a wall when Connie D'amico and her friends walked in.
"Hey, John, Tyler." One of the kids asked the duo, catching them by surprise.
"Everyone's talking about how you trashed the jukebox. Classic cool." Connie told the duo.
"Uh, thanks?" John thanked awkwardly.
"We're gonna do some toad. You guys in?" Connie offered.
"You're gonna do toad?" John asked a bit outraged.
"What's the big deal?" One of the jocks asked.
"Let us tell you about it, stud." Tyler replied back breaking into a musical number in a parody of "You're the One I Want" from Grease.
[John]
You'll gets chills all through your body
[Tyler]
And you'll lose all control
Of your bladder and your sphincter
It cut to Tyler holding a diagram of a sphincter and pointing at it to show what it looked like.
That's your butt-hole!
...*clears throat* In case you didn't know...
The duo's message was starting to get the other kids' attention.
[John & Tyler]
'Cause if you use toad more than once
Then we're telling you
[John]
You can literally kiss your very life good-bye
[John & Tyler]
Yeah, when you use toad more than once
It will mess you up
They then entered the building.
[John]
It'll make your mama cry
John zooms over to a random student.
[John]
It'll make your mama cry
[Tyler]
That's no lie
[John]
And the toxins will fill up your lungs and you will die
[John & Tyler]
Gotta give it up
[One of the jocks]
Give up the toad now
[John & Tyler]
It's no joke, buddy
Give it up
[Other students]
Gotta give up the toad now
[John & Tyler]
Or you'll croak, buddy
Give it up
[Other students]
Gotta give up the toad now
"Oh, and don't smoke." John said popping into the boys' restroom opening one of the stalls to reveal a student trying to light a cigarette, who hides it behind his back and gives out a nervous smile.
[John]
Or you'll see...
The camera panned to the right to show Tyler peeing in a urinal with two other guys.
[Tyler]
It's hurts to pee
Tyler sang that last part with an almost higher-pitch tone than usual as he soon noticed everyone looking at them in shock.
"Sorry." Tyler apologized.
They next went to the cafeteria.
[John]
There'll be blood gushing from ya
[Tyler]
Every time that you cough
It then shows a couple in the hallway and John popped in right next to them.
[John]
And forget being lucky
"It falls off..." John whispered to four male students who then covered their crotches in fear as John and Tyler then entered a biology class.
[John and Tyler]
Yeah, ya better wise up
'Cause we're telling you
John slipped plastic gloves on and used the dead frog as a puppet.
[John]
Toad is what John and Tyler forbid
John then threw the dead frog in a nearby trashcan.
[John and Tyler]
Gotta give it all up!
Meg was by her locker when she noticed three students skipping by her in the beat of John and Tyler's song.
[John & Tyler]
Or ya gonna see
[John]
Your whole life will hit skids
[Tyler]
And your parents will lose you, kids
[John & Tyler]
Gotta give it up
[Students]
Give up the toad now
Thanks to you, John & Tyler
[John & Tyler]
Give it up
Then, it suddenly showed Brian reading the paper and lowered it to sing briefly.
[Brian]
Give up the toad now
It then cuts back to John and Tyler, who were now passing by rows of students.
Thanks to you, John & Tyler
[John & Tyler]
Give it up
[Students]
Gotta give up the toad now
Oh-oh-ohhh
[John & Tyler]
We're no fools
Being good is cool
They all finished the song by jumping through an Anti-Toad sign.
[Everyone]
YEAH!
"You guys are the coolest." One of the jocks praised John and Tyler.
"Yeah, we never spontaneously broke song and dance while at the same time realizing the dangers of drugs before you two arrived." Jock #2 said.
"I'll never touch another toad again." Jock #1 said. "None of us will."
Everyone else agreed with what the jock said.
"Good." John and Tyler said.
"I know I won't." Meg said trying to be apart of the crowd.
"You never did it in the first place." One of Connie's friends said calling Meg out. "God, you're such a wannabe loser."
"Oh, yeah? If I'm such a loser, how come I'm going to the Winter Snow Ball with John?" Meg said back.
"Yeah, how-" John was about to say before he froze as the sound of glass breaking was played in the background. "What was that now?"
"Meg, you got a date with J-man?" Tyler asked Meg excited. "Man, I can't wait to tell your mom..." Tyler than saw Meg displeased with what he just said. "...whom me and J-man are looking forward to meeting...and I hope is making steakums tonight..."
"Hey, Connie, wanna ditch and go to the mall?" Connie offered Meg.
"Sure." Meg accepted Connie's offer eagerly. "See you, John."
Everyone else left the hallway, leaving only John and Tyler left to remain.
"Wow, I never would've bet that you'd get a date like that." Tyler remarked on his best friend's success. "And you're going to the Winter Snow Ball with Meg, too! Isn't this a dream come true, J-man? J-man?"
To Tyler's confusion, he found John now in a trance.
"J-man?" Tyler asked again when he snapped his fingers. After that, John then immediately went back into reality screaming in a high-pitched, child-like scream until Tyler slapped him in the face. "J-man, what's wrong?!"
"Me going to the dance with Meg, that's wrong!" John responded in a nervous tone.
"What?" Tyler exclaimed. "But J-man, don't you love, Meg?"
"Of course,I do." John reassured. "It's just that... Whenever I do try to tell her how I really feel about her, my mouth gets dry, I start to sweat and shake, and I can't breathe..."
"But you're not telling Meg your feelings, you're just gonna take her to the dance." Tyler reminded John.
"You're missing the point!" John shouted to Tyler, much to the latter's surprise. "This could be the farthest I might ever get to being with Meg and I don't want to risk losing her trust."
"Oh... Well, we obviously can't have that now, can we?" Tyler said. "Look, J-man, I think the best way to deal with this is to just be happy she's happy. I mean, isn't that why you got yourself (and me for that matter) into this place just so you could protect her from a life of crime?"
Tyler's words hit John as the latter let them sink in and he realizes maybe Tyler was right.
"Yeah, now that ya mention it, you're right." John said. "I shouldn't let my feelings come between me and my friendship with Meg. Whatever happens between us doesn't matter as long as we're still friends in the end."
"That's the spirit." Tyler rooted for John.
Later that night, it was dinnertime and Meg was talking about her day with John and Tyler at her school.
"And they swore they'de never do toad again." Meg finished excitedly.
"John and Tyler never came to sing at my school." Chris said sounding a bit disappointed. "I don't want dessert."
"I still say he's trippin'." Tyler said.
"I gotte hand it to Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Going to school was the best idea you've ever supported me with." John told Peter and Lois. "Plus, there are other kids who have guns like me."
"Yeah, and today in study hall, we farted real loud on purpose, you know, to make the guys laugh and I swear, it was so heinous, Susie Johnson ralphed up her salsbury steak." Both Tyler and John let out a laugh.
"Ugh, I'm-I'm sorry! Is this really proper dinner conversation?!" Stewie asked disgusted by John and Tyler's story.
"Well, Mr. Griffin and I are glad you boys taught those kids they don't have to do drugs to be popular." Lois said to the duo.
"They sure did." Meg agreed cheerful. "Who needs drugs when you can go to the dance with one of the coolest guys in school? Going with John is gonna skyrocket me up the popularity food chain!"
"It's true." Peter said. "Soon, members of the Math Club will be attaching themselves to your underbelly for transportation."
"Yeah!" John said excitedly before realizing. "Wait a minute. oh, well, you won't be needing me and Tyler any longer after the dance."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot you won't
"Wait a minute, boys, you can't quit school after one dance." Lois reasoned. "How long are you two going to keep up this charade, anyway?"
"Just 'til Friday." Meg explained.
"Yeah, Lois, you know we only went ot school to get rid of the toad problem." John reminded Lois. "The principal even agreed to allow us to choose if we want to continue going or not after we fix the problem."
"Please, Mom?" Meg asked as she, John and Tyler begged.
"Well, if this is what you all want." Lois said deciding to allow it.
"YES!" John and Tyler exclaimed pleased when the phone rang.
"Oh, it's probably Connie calling for me." Meg assumed going to the kitchen to answer the phone.
"Hello?" Meg answered the kitchen phone hoping it was for her, but soon found out it wasn't. "Oh. Yeah, hold on. It's for John."
"For me?" John asked stepping over to recieve the phone from Meg, who walked back to her seat disappointed. "Hello? Um, sure, we can talk. Uh, Connie wants to talk with me in the other room." John gave the kitchen phone to Tyler before exiting to the living room. "I got it!"
"You know, Mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding. But...without Nilla Wafers, it's just another one of your wretched, culinary abortions!" Stewie criticized Lois's cooking shoving his bowl to the floor crashing. "Now clean it up!"
Eventually, Friday arrived and it showed Meg getting stuff from her locker when Neil came behind her with the AV cart and slide machine again. He used the slide machine to display a message on the inside of Meg's locker reading "WILL YOU GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME?".
"I don't think so." Meg shot down Neil's offer disgusted.
Neil displayed another message reading "WHY NOT?".
"Neil, I'm a little out of your league." Meg told Neil. "Besides, I'm going with John."
"Really?" Neil asked. "Because my underground sources have inform me that John is taking Connie D'amico."
"What?!" Meg exclaimed surprised.
Meanwhile, John and Tyler were chatting when Meg confronted John.
"Hey, I thought you were taking me to the dance!" Meg said to John in outrage.
"I am." John said otherwise unaware of what Meg was taking about. "What are you-"
"Hey, kids!" Peter called out walking in.
"Dad?" Meg exclaimed.
"What are you doing here?" John asked.
"Oh, uh, can I talk with you in private, John?" Peter asked.
"Okay." John agreed as he and Peter walked offscreen signifying that they've entered another room when John shouted from inside the room. "I'M GOING WITH WHO?!"
As it turns out, Peter set John up with Connie D'amico without his approval. That night, the rest of the family heard the news and Lois was very upset with Peter.
"Peter, how could you do this to John and Meg?" Lois asked Peter in outrage.
"Not now, honey, I'm helping John write a book report on Oliver Twist." Peter blew off Lois' question.
"Yes, 'Oliver Twit' if you ask me." Stewie commented. "I would have done things differently, I can tell you that."
Cutaway #5
The cutaway was a reenactment of a scene from Oliver Twist as Stewie in the role of the titular character walked down the workhouse cafeteria to the pot of gruel, which was guarded by Mr. Bumble.
"Please, sir, I want some more." Stewie asked Mr. Bumble quoting the famous line.
"What?" Mr. Bumble exclaimed.
"Please, sir, I want some more." Stewie asked again.
"More?" Mr. Bumble repeated reaching to grab Stewie until the latter pulled out a laser.
"All right, stop it! Stop it right there!" Stewie ordered. "Now go on! Fill up the bowl! Go on!" Mr. Bumble immediately did as Stewie ordered. "That's it. Now...put on this dress." Stewie tossed a pink dress to Mr. Bumble, who seemed confused by the request. "PUT IT ON!" Once again, Mr. Bumble did as Stewie commanded. "Now dance!" Stewie then fired the laser at Mr. Bumble's feet as he tried to avoid the blasts as possible.
End
"Hey, hey, Brian, the guy who wrote this, his name, 'Charles Dickens'." Peter pointed to Brian before laughing immaturely.
"I want an explanation, mister." Lois demanded Peter.
"Hey, Connie pulled a power move on John." Peter explained. "And when the most popular girl in school asks a boy to the dance, you don't say no. You say, 'Hobba hobba hobba hobba hobba, okay!' Trust me, John will thank me for what I did."
"I just can't understand why you forced John to go with Connie D'amico instead of our daughter." Lois said.
"Lois, it's simple transference." Brian pointed out. "See, to Peter, John is really him when he was in high school and Connie D'amico is really Phoebe Diamond, the most popular girl when he was in high school. He only wanted to help Johnin order to relive his high school years again through him."
"Oh, my God, Lois, I think he's right!" Peter told Lois realizing what Brian was talking about. "'Cause-'Cause-'Cause when John told us about his plan, I wasn't thinking about John, I was thinking about me."
"Okay, this whole thing is ridiculous!" Lois said having had enough. "I forbid you from taking John to the dance!"
"You can't tell me what to do!" Peter argued. "And why do you care that much about the kid, anyway?! You're not his real mom!"
"End of discussion!" Lois argued.
"Thank you for ruining my chance to be a kid again!" Peter whined. "You don't know what it's like to be my age!"
"I'm two years younger than you!" Lois replied as Peter ran up the stairs and into him and Lois' room.
(A/N: According to the commentary for this episode, Peter was 42 and Lois was 40 at the time this aired.)
"I HATE YOU!" Peter shouted at Lois crying as he ran to his bed and lied on his stomache before looking over to an Aluman Brothers poster on the wall. "Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down?"
"Me?" Greg Allman responded and thought for a moment. "I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher. I wouldn't recommend either one of them."
Peter then thought for a moment.
"I gotta fight for my right to party!" Peter declared.
It then cut to John in him and Tyler's room when Peter entered.
"Knock, knock. Can I come in?" Peter asked.
"Go away." John said.
"Okay, good." Peter said ignoring John's answer and coming in. "Hey, why aren't you dressed yet? You're supposed to take Connie D'amico to the Winter Snow Ball."
"Like heck I am." John rejected. "Mrs. Griffin told me you're not supposed to take me to the dance. So, I'm staying."
Peter was displeased by John's attitude until.
"Okay, fine. Don't go to the dance." Peter said. "I'll just go up and tell Meg your secret."
"What are you talking about?" John rose up and asked Peter.
"If you don't take Connie D'amico to the dance, I'll tell Meg about your most embarassing secret."
"You wouldn't dare!" John said.
"You really think I won't?" Peter intimidated John.
John felt threatened by Peter's blackmail due to the fact that his secret crush on Meg was in jeopardy and realized he had no other choice.
"All right. You win." John begrudgingly gave in to Peter's blackmail.
"Great. Here's your tux." Peter said handing John a tuxedo. "And make it snappy, okay? We gotta pick Connie up in about a few minutes."
John sighed in disappointment.
Meanwhile, Lois came to cheer up Meg with Tyler.
"Sweetie?" Lois asked Meg, who was on her bed crying.
"Can we come in?" Tyler asked.
"Your best friend is a total jerk, Tyler." Meg told Tyler.
Lois and Tyler then stepped and sat by Meg's side.
"Oh, honey, John didn't mean to hurt you." Lois comforted Meg.
"Yeah, your dad was the one that tried to pair J-man and Connie." Tyler explained. "So, please don't be too hard on him."
"And you know, you could still go to the dance." Lois said.
"Alone?" Meg asked. "Why don't I just tattoo a big 'L' on my forehead while I'm at it?"
"Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos." Lois reminded Meg.
"That could work." Tyler said.
"Tyler!" Lois exclaimed.
"What?" Tyler asked as Lois whispered in his ear. "Oh. Sorry."
"You know, if you stay home, you're just proving to the other kids you don't belong there." Lois pointed out.
"Yeah." Meg sighed seeing her mother's point.
"And you might have a really good time." Lois continued. "I'll tell you one thing, I still regret not going to my junior dance."
It then flashbacked to Lois as a teenager wearing a purple prom dress while being tied to a chair with her date by criminals. She was talking with her father on a phone.
"B-But Daddy, if you don't do as they say, they'll kill me!" Lois told her father in tears scared.
The scene then split into two showing both Lois and Carter.
"Sorry, Pumpkin, you know we don't negotiate with kidnappers." Carter reminded Lois not seeming to care about her situation. "Family policy."
"Daddy, no!" Lois pleaded. "Please! Please!"
Carter, however, hung up as he went back to his paper.
"She'll be all right." Carter assured.
It flashed back to the present.
"You know, honey, John got rid of the drugs just for you." Lois told Meg. "And you were the only person he wanted to go with on the Winter Snow Ball."
"Really?" Meg got up and asked.
"Are you kidding? He's nuts about you." Tyler told Meg almost giving away John's crush on her as Lois elbowed him hard. "Ow!"
"Wow. I had no idea." Meg said as she started to see John in a new light.
"Tell you what? Why don't you go with Tyler?" Lois recommended.
"Yeah, Meg, I don't have a date." Tyler said. "Plus, I'm one of the most popular kids in school, remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I totally forgot." Meg said remembering. "Thank you, Tyler."
"So, come on. What do ya say?" Lois asked Meg.
"Well..." Meg said getting up. "I do have that really slutty dress you hate."
Lois then kissed her daughter's cheek as a sign of love. Just then, Tyler then had a vision of two silhoulettes together with one appearing to be kissing the other on the cheek almost exactly like what Lois just did.
"Tyler?" Lois called out to Tyler, who just snapped back into reality. "Is everything all right?"
"Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Tyler said not wanting to worry Lois and Meg.
Meanwhile, Peter and John arrived at Connie D'amico's house waiting for her in the living room with her parents. Peter was busy scarfing down on potato chips while John looked bored.
"So, uh, John, how old did you say you were again?" Mr. D'amico asked John.
"Seventeen." Peter answered instead, though the parents weren't impressed. "A-And a half."
"Why are you here?" Peter Mr. D'amico asked Peter.
"Sweet statutory, you look beautiful!" Peter praised Connie's appearance. "Right, John?"
"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, great." John said not caring.
They then exited the house as Connie's parents looked at each other.
"Don't worry, he'll take good care of your kid." Peter reassured the parents. "I got a daughter of my own, you know."
Connie's parents were frozen in horror at what Peter just said.
Back home, Lois entered her and Peter's bedroom to talk to Peter where he triggered a wire below her, which started a tape machine underneath the sheets. Lois was about to turn on the lights when...
"Please leave the light off, Lois." The machine's recording of Peter played. "I don't want to be seen right now."
"I imagine you wouldn't, the way you've been acting." Lois remarked.
"I thought you might say something like that." The machine continued.
"Well, you do have it coming." Lois said. "Anyway, I convince Meg to go to the dance with Tyler. So, I'm gonna go drop them off." She was about to leave until...
"Please don't yell, Lois." The machine played. "I've learned my lesson."
"I wasn't yelling." Lois said. "I was just sayin-"
"Ugh, you would bring that up." The machine continued more, making Lois suspicious. "Can't you leave the past where it belongs?"
"Peter, what's wrong with you?" Lois asked Peter.
"Because I've already explained that to you!" The machine continued. "It was a scavenger hunt!"
Lois finally turned on the light and examined the bed to find the tape recorder.
"What the hell is going on here?" Lois asked.
"Lois, if you still haven't discovered I'm gone, please flip over to side B." The tape recorder finally finished.
Peter and John made it to the Winter Snow Ball with Connie where inside, John was dancing with Connie, though he was obviously not having a good time as the song "Get Outta My Dreams" by Billy Ocean played in the background. John then did a couple of dance moves similar to how Peter did them as Lando in the original episode.
"Nice moves, John." Connie praised John.
"Yeah, okay..." John replied still upset.
"Hey, can I ask you something?" Connie asked John.
"What?" John asked.
"Why is the guy who drove us here with us?" Connie asked John pointing to Peter, who was watching them.
"Oh, uh, he's, uh...he's just making sure we don't get into any trouble." John lied.
"You mean like being alone together?" Connie asked seductively.
'Dangit, why did I brought that up?!' John thought.
"Okay, everyone. The votes are in." An emcee announced holding the winning vote in his hand. "This year's King and Queen are... John and Connie D'amico!"
"Oh, my goodness! Oh!" Peter said excited.
"Let's get this over with." John said not really caring about winning as he knelt down to let the emcee place a crown on him.
However, John looked over to the audience and found Tyler with Meg. It almost broke his heart to find Meg being with his best friend instead.
"Okay, you know what, Mr. Griffin? Go ahead and tell Meg my secret! I don't care anymore!" John told off Peter. "Everyone, I have a confession. I've been living a lie. I didn't want to go with Connie." The crowd was surprised by John's words. "The girl I really wanted to go with...was Meg Griffin."
"What?!" Peter and Connie reacted in unison.
"MEG GRIFFIN!" John shouted at them. "Anyway, she's right over there with Tyler, my best friend."
The spotlight moved to the right, but ended up passed Tyler and Meg.
"No, no, no, to the left!" John said the spotlight went passed Tyler and Meg again. "No, no, you had them." It went passed them again. "No, no, go back, go back. Jez, got a flippin' monkey working the spotlight or something?"
Tyler then used Chaos Control to teleport where the guy handling the spotlight was and did the job for him aiming it directly at Meg as Tyler warped back to her side.
"Thank you, Tyler!" John thanked Tyler.
"Your welcome!" Tyler replied back.
"Anyway, that's who I wanted to go with." John said. "But I messed up and I dumped her for popularity. So, now heartbroken, I will ride recklessly into the night and up Dead Man's Curve. Goodbye, Meg! I love you!"
John then jumped on a motorcycle that was in the gym for some reason and about to drive out of the building as students got out of his way, but he stopped for a moment right next to Tyler and Meg where John gave them a wink before driving off.
Meg smiled at what John did for her as she and Tyler were about to begin their night at the dance.
"Meg, wanna dance?" A boy asked Meg.
"I was here first." Another boy said. "Meg, dance with me?"
"Excuse me, but I'm her date, fellas." Tyler told them.
"Oh, sorry, Tyler. We didn't see you there." One of the boys apologized.
"Yeah, we had no idea, we swear." The other said.
Meg turned and found Neil by himself. Tyler then let Meg go seeing she wants to give Neil some pity.
"Neil, would you-" Meg asked Neil.
"I'd be hono-" Neil was about to say before he was suddenly hit by John on his motorcycle.
John jumped out and came over to Meg. "Oh, who am I kidding? I'll still dance with you, Meg. Tyler, do you mind?"
"Not at all." Tyler said.
"Thanks." John thanked Tyler as he dragged Meg to the dance floor and the two of them were having a good time. While dancing, they both soon had a feeling that this felt right as they soon had their own dance photo together.
The next day, everything seemed like it was back to normal as almost everyone (Meg wasn't there) was having breakfast.
John was then greeted a kiss on the cheek by Lois, to his surprise.
"I'm so proud of you." Lois praised John.
"For what?" John asked confused.
"For standing up for my daughter, that's why." Lois explaining. "Plus, I think a certain someone owes you an apology. Right, Peter?"
"Yeah, I'm really sorry about almost blabbing your secret to Meg." Peter apologized to John. "I mean, come on, she wouldn't mind if you picked your nose."
"That's the secret you threatened me with?" John asked Peter.
"Yeah. What did you think it was?" Peter replied.
"Nothing." John lied going back to his cereal.
"Oh, John, Tyler, thank you so much!" Meg came in and hugged John and Tyler, to their surprise. "We were the most popular couple at the dance. And thank you for pretending to be my boyfriend for the dance, John."
"Yeah, it's no trouble at all-Wait, what?" John reacted.
"I don't know where you guys got the idea, but it was brilliant!" Meg said.
"Oh, oh, yeah, it's was-it was all part of the plan..." John lied drinking his milk, but then thought. 'Oh, who am I fooling? I'm glad Meg doesn't know about my secret yet. At least I managed to make her happy.'
"Well, I'm off to popularity." Meg said. "Ciao!"
"God, I hate that manly walk of hers." Stewie said.
"You're asking for trouble, squirt." Tyler warned Stewie.
"Oh, am I?" Stewie challenged Tyler. "Well, who says I shouldn't?"
"Him." Tyler answered.
Stewie looked to where Tyler was pointing at John. Luckily for Stewie, John was too busy admiring Meg.
"I'll give those two six months until your friend gets her pregnant." Stewie commented on John and Meg's relationship.
"Hurry, boys or you're going to be late for school." Lois told John and Tyler.
"Oh, right." John and Tyler both said finishing their breakfast and dashing out of the house over to James Woods High.
At school, the song "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds played as it showed John (right), Meg (middle) and Tyler (right) walking down a hallway. It then showed a yearbook opening to show both John and Meg's Winter Snow Ball photo in a parody of the ending to The Breakfast Club.
The End