I awoke a few hours later; there was a red tinge to the rising sun that was peaking over the horizon. I rose.
The church looked dark and gloomy in the mornings new light.
A blustery wind rose and came gusting over the yard. I turned and looked at Helen's grave one last time; it was ill tended and choked with weeds. The sight saddened me, I felt that she deserved better. Then I turned my steps towards Lowood.
The world seemed to be a dreary bleak place, the knowledge that I was returning to my former servitude depressed me.
I gathered my resolution around me like a cloak and continued up the road. A little way up the road I saw the babbling brook that I had stopped at countless times as a footsore child to slake my thirst; I stepped off of the road towards it. But before I could reach the limpid water I was arrested by the hurried sounds of horse's hooves on the road before me.
I stood as if transfixed as the rider brutally reigned in the horse causing him to slide on his haunches at the force of the stop. The rider did not dismount; rather he leapt almost to my very feet.
My heart stood still. It was my Mr. Rochester.
His face was twisted and dark, he was in the grips of very passionate emotions, I could see that well, for an instant I trembled with fear, but then gathered up my resolution and faced him with as much fortitude as I could muster.
He grabbed me by my arms with a force that caused me to emit an involuntary gasp of pain. He thrust his face close to mine; he was breathing heavily, and was trembling from ire.
"Why Jane? Why did you run?"
I did not reply at once, I struggled to escape his painful grasp, twisting and fighting like a mad person. All at once I was consumed with anger that only Aunt Reed or John had been able to elicit from me.
He only tightened his grip on me and shook me. "Why, Jane? Tell me why you ran!"
"You know only too well, Mr.Rochester. Now unhand me! Let me go!"
"Why, what are you referring to? I demand an explanation!"
"An explanation!" I laughed bitterly staring him in the face. "I owe you nothing Mr. Rochester. Nothing except thanks for the care of me when I was sick; that I have already given to you. I demand that you let me go at once!"
"I will NOT let you go! Not until I have gotten a full and satisfactory explanation! Do you think I would so easily let you go? Do you think that all the patience and sleepless night I endured so you could recover in peace were just going to be discarded on a whim of yours? Do you care nothing of the torments I endured keeping myself away from you? I searched your rooms and found correspondence that indicated you were planning on fleeing to China to evade me; did you really think that I would let you go so lightly, that I would suffer you to flee from me like the plague? You! Who are the best part of me, who redeemed me from a living hell, who gave me the hope to live and endure, who gave life a fuller and sweeter meaning. Who gave me the strength to go on, a reason to live, you thought all this you could just lightly take away and I would not notice it? You are my life Jane. I can not live without you beside me. I will not live without you. Please Jane, Please, tell me what I have done, I will make amends, I will expiate myself, just tell me what I have done to deserve this. "
I thought him mocking me with pretending ignorance. I began twisting and writhing in his arms, I finally resorted to the childish expedient of kicking in my struggle to free myself of his iron grip.
A look of iron obstinacy crossed his face and he lifted me off of my feet and carried me to a tree by the stream.
There he pinioned my arms against the rough bark holding me fast.
He looked at me for a moment and when he next spoke he seemed quieter and more composed, but I knew better, I knew the lowering of his voice only meant that he was controlling himself more, not that his ire had in any way lessened. I could read in his panting breaths that this was but the quietude of a chained lion, not a calming of the storm, one misstep, one second of placidity was all it would take to release the torrent in his soul that could sweep us both to destruction.
"Jane, I will inquire only once more. Why. Did. You. Run?"
He was breathing heavily and his face twitched in his passion.
"How could you expect me to stay?" I retorted bitterly. "How could you not believe I would find out? Do you think I am stupid? Do you think I am degenerate? For you dishonorable actions show you must believe me to be one or the other!"
He took a long pause before he softly replied through gritted teeth.
"What dishonorable action have I committed? I defy you to produce evidence to substantiate that assertion!"
"Your wife, Mr. Rochester whom you claim was dead. She is all the evidence of your falseness and duplicity that I require."
In a moment I was set free and a look of complete bewilderment tinged with alarm passed over his face.
"My wife…?" He faltered, looking at me as if he suddenly had cause to fear my mental state.
"How dare you! Mr. Rochester, how dare you deceive me once more, you; who almost in the sight of God was the author of my demise, how could you think to try again!
You made me love you; you woke in me a passion that I am daily taunted with. You think it is an easy thing to feel you heart beating along with mine? To be bonded to you in all eternity, and yet know I must never see you again? How do you think it makes me feel? Do you enjoy seeing me suffer the tortures of the damned, do you look at me as another one of you conquests, along with you German and French mistresses, do you laugh to yourself in secret knowing my agony, or are you too stupid to see it?"
I could no longer contain myself; I rushed at him and began pummeling him with my fists.
I began sobbing as I felt my heart breaking. I cried as I had never before cried.
After some time I was aware that I was no longer standing, that I was being held closely in Mr. Rochester's arms.
He was trying to hush and sooth me as one might comfort a distressed child.
I fought to free myself and he immediately set me free. But my treacherous knees gave way and refused to bear me any longer, I fell at the base of the tree.
"Jane, Jane, calm yourself! You will do yourself an injury if you continue like this!"
Gone now was he raging fury I had seen minutes earlier, it was replaced with the gentile, firm look I had grown so accustomed to seeing over the past month.
He pleaded and cajoled me till I was not beside myself with passion.
He stood above me looking down for a moment, then he took a step forwards.
"May I approach, Jane?"
I stared into the stream not responding. He bent and placed a letter on my knee. I looked at in surprise, it was addressed to me. The postage was from Madeira.
I looked up at him.
"I think that this may be the source of confusion."
He stated. "I had told my servants that they were to refer to you as "Mrs. Rochester" if they need to see you.
Grace was only doing as I requested, no more, she is the keeper of what is left of my house, along with her brother."
I looked at him in confusion; it all seemed too much to take in at the moment. He was not married, he had not deceived me!
I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Jane, when have you last eaten?" I gave this matter a little thought. "Yesterday breakfast." I stated numbly. He took a deep breath.
"Come." He held out his hand and lifted me. "We will ride to the inn and get sustenance, and then you may read the letter."
I began walking towards the horse but stumbled heavily, I was worn out from the emotion and lack of nourishment. On the second stumble I was swept up in his arms and carried the rest of the way, despite my mumbled protests.
Did you like it? Please let me know how to make this better! My Muse was NO help on this chapter!