Here's chapter fourteen. Enjoy.

Chapter Fourteen
The Way I Loved You

Breakfast the next morning was very tense. I stumbled into the kitchen to find Renee and Jacob sat at the table, Phil stood by the sink sipping a mug of coffee.

I was sure I looked a mess, my eyes were not only sore from the tears I had shed but the dark circles beneath them told everyone how little sleep I had the night before.

As I dropped down into the chair next to Renee she gave me a smile and kissed my temple before continuing to eat.

Jacob glanced up at me, "How did you sleep?" He asked.

As if my sleepy state, dark circles and messed appearance wasn't enough of a clue. He knew I slept awfully and I didn't appreciate his pathetic attempt at a normal conversation. Nothing about this situation was normal and his trying to act so angered me.

"How do you think?" I muttered, soaking bits of cereal into the milk while wondering whether it was possible to drown myself in the bowl.

I felt my mother's eyes on me and knew I'd have to be more careful. She didn't need to know all about Jacob's and mine messed up relationship when she was a week away from…I swallowed. She didn't need to know.

"Would you pass me the butter?" Jake asked.

I wordlessly handed it to him before turning back to my soggy cereal and thinking how I hadn't wanted it in the first place. I took it because I didn't want Renee to worry – which she would – and she just didn't have time for that now.

"What do you fancy doing today?" She asked me, taking a sip of her own coffee that Phil had placed in front of her.

I stared at her.

"Fancy doing a bit of shopping?" She asked.

"I'm sorry?" I questioned.

"Well, we don't have to if you'd rather do something else."

I frowned. I didn't understand.

"Maybe you could go see a movie?" Phil suggested. It was as if I was sat inside a television and was unaware that I had been placed there, as they acted out some sort of show, like they all thought I was a part of it but I had no idea what was going on – what my cues or lines were.

"Ooh, that could be fun. I've been wanting to see that new film called Magic Max or Magic Mike or something like that. You know the one with those good looking men, Channing someone and Alex Pettyfer." Renee winked at Phil playfully.

"I doubt Bella would enjoy that." Jake joked with Renee and Phil.

"Oh of course she would. Bella can appreciate good looking guys, can't you Bella?"

I felt extremely out of place like I had just stepped into a parallel world or something. They were acting like this was just a normal day in the life of the Dwyer residence. Like they were something out of Keeping Up With The Joneses. I didn't know what to do, or say, or act.

So…I went along with it, quite blindly as though improvising.

I gave a weak smile in response to Renee's question before excusing myself to go upstairs to change.

I didn't understand. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who to be. I needed…

But he wasn't here right now and he wasn't going to be there when I went back so I was just going to have to suck it up and deal with it.

The entire day continued in the same way as this morning had. Like this were a show and we all had a part to play. But I completely lost it later on that evening when Renee asked what we all fancied for dinner, wether we should order in or go out. They had been ignoring the elephant in the room all day and I'd had enough. I snapped.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I all but shouted and everyone's heads snapped in my direction. "Why are you all behaving like this?"

"Bella-" Renee tried but I wouldn't let her.

"No! You're all acting like everything is normal. Well, let me tell you something. It's not. It's not normal. Why are you pretending? Why are you acting like there is nothing wrong?" My hands were shaking and I was taking in gasping breaths of what felt like stale air. "Mom, you're dying. You're dying and in a couple of weeks you're not going to be here." I shook my head as tears blurred my vision, "You're not going to be here anymore and you're all just acting like this is a normal day and pretending that there's nothing wrong."

Renee sighed as she brushed away a tear that had escaped and gently patted Phil's hand, which he had placed on her shoulder in concern.

"Would you give us a minute?" She asked softly and he slowly nodded, kissing her cheek before leaving the room and motioning for Jacob to do the same.

Renee sat herself of the couch and patted the space next to her.

"Bella, come here."

I stumbled my way over and sat beside her, she took my hands in her own and looked deep into my eyes sadly. But not only were they reflecting unhappiness, they were reflecting sympathy. Why would she be feeling sympathy for me? I wasn't the one dying.

"Bella, honey," she sighed again, "No one is pretending anything. I know what's going to happen. I know what is happening but…no matter how many tears are shed, no matter how long we grieve for," she shook her head, "It's not going to change the outcome. Nothing can."

She brushed away my tears.

"I asked this of Phil, Bella. I asked him not to cry for me and now I'm going to ask the same of you. I know it's hard, Bella, but please don't cry for me. By all means go ahead and cry for your loss, but do not cry for me and do not cry forever. You shouldn't cry because something has ended, Bella, you should smile because it happened. I want you to live your life Bella, just as you would have if I were there to see it. I don't want this to hold you back and bring you down and affect everything you do in your life."

Despite her warm hands caressing my cheeks and wiping away my tears, more fell at her words.

"I've had a good life, Bella. Better than most. So what if it's going to end sooner than what I thought it would? I've experienced so many things in my life, achieved so many great things, don't cry over my life, when I've had a good one, so much so that it destroys yours. Because you, Bella, are by far my greatest achievement and for you to ruin your life over mine would just be…unthinkable. Please, Bella. Don't be scared to let go, don't be scared to live."

We didn't go out for dinner, we stayed in and ordered Chinese while we sat snuggled in the living room watching home videos that made Renee and me cry.

"You were such a curious baby," Renee chuckled as we watched my one year old self at Christmastime, lean so far into a cardboard box that I fell right in.

She gasped with a beam as we watched another video, "Do you remember that holiday?" She asked.

"Of course," I giggled, "We stayed in the dirtiest, scariest hotel in which they demanded us not to turn on the light at night in risk of attracting poisonous insects."

"The apparent swimming pool was in fact a pond in which they kept the fish they served in the restaurant."

"On top of that, we had a terrible coach driver the journey back to the airport that kept getting lost so we missed our flight."

"We were delayed seventeen hours."

"The fat guy sat in front of me on the plane and squished me the entire way back."

"And they lost our luggage." Renee giggled.

"Never again am I going on a supposedly "luxury" holiday with you that you've won on the Internet." My giggles subsided quickly. I'd never get the chance. The tears filled my eyes and Renee wrapped her arm around me as I leant my head on her shoulder and cried silently. She pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

"It was the worst holiday ever." I breathed through my tears.

"It was my best." Renee whispered.

I sniffed and snuggled closer to her, wrapping my own arms around her waist. "Mine too."

"Oh this is the video of you and Jake when you went to visit Charlie." She said.

We watched as Jake and I threw mud pies at each other having got bored with Billy and Charlie as they fished. Jake crashed into me and we fell into the water, causing Charlie and Billy to cry out that we were scaring the fish away. We just burst into hysterical laughter and couldn't stop.

"You were such good friends." She murmured.

"Mmm."

"What happened there?"

"What do you mean?"

"You thought I wouldn't notice the way you two have been acting around each other today? I mean, I know you said you're still together but…"

I shrugged.

"It's that other boy, isn't it?"

I looked up at her sharply, "What?"

"Oh Bella," she sighed dramatically, "I'm your mother. Did you really think that through all our phone conversations and e-mails that I wouldn't have a clue that there was someone else?"

"I…what…how?"

"You stopped talking about Jake but…you sounded happier than I had ever heard you. Or even seen you. I knew the signs Bella."

I said nothing. I didn't know if I was ready to talk about it. Renee let me sit in silence for a while as we watched a couple more videos before she said softly, "What's his name?"

"E-Edward." I chocked.

"Did you end it or did he?"

I didn't question how she knew. I guess what they said was right. A mother always knew.

"I did."

"Tell me about him."

"I…he…" I shook my head, "He's the best. We, err, we met in a Biology lesson, he was new to the school. And I couldn't stand him." I chuckled through my tears and Renee smiled. "He was infuriating. I'd heard all these rumours about him and he just seemed to confirm them all that first day. He was such an asswipe."

Renee smiled wider. Once I had started talking about him I found I couldn't stop, everything just came gushing out like I had no filter.

"One second he was a complete douche and the next he was the nicest guy in the world. He, um…he convinced me to ditch. We were partnered for some project and he said we would work on it. But we didn't. He took me to…" I could tell her. "He took me to this meadow and it was just amazing. And we just sat and talked. Then Charlie found out and grounded me and he…he snuck me out of the house one night…" I waited to see how Renee would react but she looked like Rose, enraptured with my storytelling. "He took me to a karaoke bar and he got me to sing. He said he would. He said I was amazing and that I shouldn't let anyone tell me different." A tear fell from my eye despite my smile.

More tears fell as I continued to tell her about Edward and how he made me feel, how he said such sweet things to me despite his silly tough guy façade. I told her how he was my first, I told her he said he loved me. I told her how I broke his heart and my own.

When I had finally finished my throat was sore from talking so much and I was gasping a little for air. Renee watched me in silence with a knowing expression on her face. She smiled and I had to know what about.

"Bella," she said, "I'm going to tell you something and it may surprise you."

"Okay," I said slowly, wondering where she was going with this.

"I had an Edward once," I gaped. "Now, I loved your father. I really did, I swear. But we just weren't meant to be. A bit like you and Jacob. He isn't right for you, you must know that, Bella."

I nodded, "I know."

"Bella, I married him. I married my Edward and I've never looked back. Phil loves me like Edward loves you, with such a fiery passion it just never burnt out. It never could burn out. Charlie and I loved each other but, we were kids, we went through the motions of being in love when really, we didn't know what it was to be in love."

"Wow."

"Bella, you shouldn't have let him go. You should get him back."

I shook my head, "No mom, we loved each other, like you said. But we don't know what it is to be in love."

"Bullshit." Renee whispered softly with a smile but with fire in her eyes, surprising me with her cursing. "Bella, if everything you have just told me is true then you've experienced something some people search a lifetime for. You're perfect for each other."

I shook my head, "Even if I wanted to, he wouldn't take me back. Not after what I did to him."

"I'm surprised in you, Bella." Her tone was slightly scolding and I knew I deserved it. "But if he loves you like he says he does then, with time, you'll be together again."

I couldn't help but disagree so I said nothing, letting my mother believe that a happily ever after was meant for me. But I knew the truth. Without Edward there was no happily after for me and after what I had done, I didn't deserve one. But for my mother's peace of mind I kept that information to myself.

It was time for me to buck up. I couldn't be this weak pathetic person I had become. I needed to be strong for Renee; I would deal with Edward at a much later date because right now, Renee was important.

But as I strummed my guitar later on that night, the only thing that helped me get to sleep, I couldn't help the words that came to me.

"He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my hearts not breaking
'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all.
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating, intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2 a.m. and I'm cursing your name.
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you.
Breaking down and coming undone
It's roller coaster kind of rush
And I never knew I could feel that much

And that's the way I loved you."

Not my favourite chapter and I know it's shorter than most of the other but...meh.

Again, we're just pretending the song is Bella's own. We all know it's Taylor Swifts :)

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