Chapter 14
A/N: Thanks for all the encouragement Dee. I'm not so much apologizing as lamenting. Sometimes I find writing convincing dialog to be very difficult. When I read what you and RiannonUk have written it really motivates me to work on my own story. Thanks. I know you're an angst fan RhiannonUK so here's some more. Also more hormones coming soon. Thanks N.Beresford for the kind word. Glad you're enjoying it. As always comments and constructive criticism are welcome.
Disclaimer: X-men are property of Fox and Marvel.
Rogue was fed up with Logan's bullshit. For the past three days he hadn't spoken two words to anyone outside of barking at them during training. As soon as their sessions were over he would disappear into the woods that covered much of the grounds around the school. As far as anyone could tell he stayed out until after supper and then he locked himself in the gym with Pete for a couple of hours after which Logan would light out on his bike not returning until God knows when. At first she had thought that it was just Logan needing a little space. Then she got a little worried that he was distancing himself from everyone...getting the urge to wander again. The more she thought about it, the angrier she got. Even if she was wrong (he had promised her) she knew that he wouldn't talk to anyone about whatever was bothering him. Well she just wouldn't give him a choice.
Another useless fucking night. In the past few days he'd hit every bar within a thirty mile radius of the school. Nothing but college kids who didn't know how to drink or sports bars serving watered down overpriced booze. He had not been able to find a single dive bar any where in the area. No fights, no decent pool...what the hell was the world coming to? Not that he had any trouble finding someone to take his mind off his current problems. He had spent less then ten minutes at the last place downing half a dozen shots when he was approached by a college kid who introduced herself as Jenny. She was a real looker and by the scent she was giving off she was more than willing. She talked for twenty minutes while he listened. Then she told him she lived in an off campus apartment two miles away. In the end he bought her a drink and sent her away and that just pissed him off even more. What the hell was wrong with him? If this had happened six months ago he and the gal would be fucking their brains out by now. That's what he did. Along with wandering around and beating the shit out of people for money (and fun). Look at him now. He lived at a school full of kids and people who wanted to help save the world. He'd just walked away from sex with an eager young woman. That was damn peculiar behavior for most men, let alone him. Then again he had been doing a lot of things lately that never would have entered his mind before.
Turning off the road he steered his bike down the long driveway. As he approached the gate he thumbed a button and it swung open letting him pass. Approaching the garage he cut the engine and let the bike roll to a stop walking it the last twenty feet inside. It was after he had parked it that he noticed her scent. And heard her soft snoring. What the hell it was almost three in the morning. He walked past Summer's collection of pocket rockets, past Xavier's Rolls Royce Silver Shadow. In the far corner sat the red Miata that had belonged to Jean Gray. Rogue was slouched in the passenger seat fast asleep. Logan couldn't help but smile at the sight. He pulled a pair of gloves out of his leather jacket and tugged them on. Placing his hand on her shoulder he gave her a gentle nudge. The young woman rolled on her side and mumbled something even he couldn't pick up. Logan tried again, shaking her a little more firmly.
"Come on darlin, time ta wake up. Can't have ya sleepin out here all night."
"Please Jubes just a few more...oh my God. Logan what are you...shit what time is it?"
"About three in the mornin. Marie what's the deal? Why are you here and not sleepin in yer own bed?"
Rogue open the car door and stepped out. By the look on her face he knew she wasn't too happy with him. "Ah'm here cause yer stalking around this place for the last three days makin everyone nervous with yer growlin. Ah'm sick of it. So Logan...ya want ta tell me what wild hair ya got up yer ass this time? Cause Ah ain't leavin you alone until we get this settled"
"Ain't nothin to settle kid. I got nothin ta say ta you. Just get yer butt up ta bed right now."
"No way in hell Logan! Ah don't know what your problem is but yer not gonna order me around like some kid afer the way you been actin. Ya don't want ta talk ta me about it fine. Talk ta the professor... but you gotta do something or yer gonna drive me outta mah mind. Please Logan...Ah know you. Ah know ya can't go on like this. You'll either lose yer temper and do somethin ya'll regret or take off runnin again."
He knew she was upset...on the edge of panic really. It was a bitch to have people depending on you. You had to deal with shit when it came up not just ignore it or leave. Logan ran his hands through his hair. Marie had turned her head looking away from him apparently afraid of what she might find in his eyes. Reaching out with one gloved hand he lifted her chin so she was looking him in the eye.
"I ain't leavin kid...so just relax huh. Had a little difference of opinion with Phillips. Kinda pissed me off. I just needed some space is all. Marie ya know I been on my own for a long time. Sometimes I just need ta get away for a bit. Just got to feelin a little closed in. Doesn't mean I'm gonna up and leave this place...or you. Come on kid...let me walk ya to yer room."
He laid an arm across her shoulders and almost right away she seemed to calm down. They walked up the stairs and he took the opportunity to give her a brief account of what had happened between him and Janet. When they reach her room she gave him a look like he was a little kid...a real slow little kid.
"Ya big dummy. Is that what this is all about? Seems ta me like Janet should be the one stomping around instead a you. She just asked ya ta talk ta her so she could help ya and you jump all over her like she just smoked your last cigar. No...don't give me that crap about how ya don't need any help. Are ya ever gonna get it Logan...that's what people do when they care about ya...they try and help ya."
"Ain't no help for it darlin. But I do see yer point. Guess I might be have been a little over the top the way I reacted to her. Ok...ok...I know I was. Say what the hell happened with you and her. Last I knew ya couldn't stand having her around."
"She's a good listener...and don't try and change the subject. Ah'm goin ta bed. You know what ya need ta do. Your students are sick of Logan the grumpy bear. Please make him go away. Ah also think ya need ta make things right with Janet...but that's up ta you Logan."
God ...she really didn't want to get up. Janet Phillips had not slept well the last few nights. Sleep had come hard as she lay in bed her confrontation with Logan playing out over and over in her head. While she felt bad about pushing him she was also angry at the way he had treated her. It reminded her too much of the confrontations she'd had over the years with abusive men at the shelter. She was still puzzled over how quickly he had gone from being open about sharing with her how he had come to have the claws to suddenly becoming enraged over her demand that he talk about the disturbing nightmares that he was having. She wondered why he was unwilling to see them for what she was certain they were, actual memories of some kind of perverted experimentation. They were just dreams he had said. Certainly if that's what he wanted to believe her insistence that they were real could have triggered his angry reaction. Logan had struck her as more the hard headed realist, but then again she didn't know if anyone could face accepting what she had read in his diary as real things that had happened to them without some level of denial. And fear. She knew that there was no way she would have believed it were possible to do those things to someone if she had not already seen his mutation in action.
Groaning she rolled out of bed. She knew what her real problem was. It was difficult for her to be objective where Logan was concerned. She wanted to help the man and not just because of the attraction she felt toward him. If any person deserved a chance to be free of his demons it was him. From what he told her and what she had been able to piece together from others Logan had lived his life virtually cut off from human contact before he came to Xavier's. This place was a chance for him, maybe his only chance to learn to live with and trust people. Regardless of what she might feel or what kind (if any) relationship she might one day have with the man she was determined to do what ever she could to help him to take that chance.
He didn't approach her until right before the afternoon training session. He knew that she always came to the gym a half hour early to stretch and perform her daily Tai Chi routine. When he arrived she was nearly done with her form so he just stood by the door and admired the way she moved seamlessly from position to position. She was barefoot dressed only in shorts and a sports bra. No doubt he had known and been with better looking women then Janet. But he'd never met one who could hold a candle to her when she was moving...and he'd seen some pretty memorable moves.
"Hello Logan...training doesn't start for fifteen minutes."
He thought he'd surprise her, but she had been aware of him since he walked in the door. "Just thought I'd come down early so I could admire the view."
Janet looked at him her head tilted to one side the expression on her face telling him he had not made a good start on this. "You know Logan if your trying to tell me your sorry admitting to checking me out isn't the best way to start." Smirking at the confusion written on his face she walked over to the cloths she had placed on the bench. She preferred working out as unencumbered as possible but she couldn't be dressed like this if she was sparring with Rogue.
"So...I'm guessin ya spent some time with Rogue."
"We talked at breakfast. What was it she said...oh yea that you needed to...'get his head out of his ass and stop acting like a jerk to everybody'...sorry...I'm not good with accents."
"Ya know yer enjoyin this a little too much darlin. But the kid was right. Didn't like what ya were tellin me the other day but that ain't a reason to be an asshole ta everyone...especially ta you. Shouldn't a got mad at ya for no good reason...and I damn well was wrong ta cuss ya out like I did. Don't really know why I got pissed like I did...ya didn't do nothin ta deserve it..."
"No Logan that's not true. We both know why you got angry. Look I know you don't want to talk about this and there's nothing I can do about it if you don't...but I'm not going to pretend that you and I don't know why this happened. I read your diary."
"Told ya before...ain't nothin but dreams...don't want ta talk about it..."
"And I think you should but that's your decision to make. Just don't expect me to believe what your telling me because that's not something I can do"
"Damn it we ain't gonna get any where like this." Why did she have to keep pushing him on this? The fear he felt when he thought about those dreams...what he had already seen...and worse the things he might yet to see.
Janet shook her head struggling to keep her own anger in check. "Ok...I guess you're right about that. I know that I pushed you the other day and I'm sorry if I went too far. I just thought that if you could talk to someone about what happened to you..."
"...that it might help me? Yea darlin...that's what Rogue said ta me. Yer only tryin to help cause ya care about what happens ta me. Ain't really used ta anyone givin a shit about me...sometimes the idea is a little hard for me ta deal with. Look darlin...I'm sorry about what happened. Don't want us to be pissed off at each other. Doesn't help when we're workin with the kids and ta tell ya the truth I don't like how it feels bein mad at ya.. What do ya say we make a deal. We leave things alone for awhile...just drop talkin about it. Now wait...just let me finish. If the damn dreams get worse or if I ain't handlin em like I should I'll talk ta someone...either you or Chuck. What do ya say."
Giving him a smile she reached to shake the hand he held out pleased that he showed none of his usual hesitation at being touched. "It'd a deal Logan...and thank you."
"For what darlin...not actin like an asshole to ya?"
She laughed and he realized that he liked it when she laughed...she didn't do it enough as far as he was concerned. He shook himself mentally. The only other person he thought of in those terms was Marie.
"No Logan...for taking me seriously...for trusting me. I can only imagine how hard that is for you. Besides your hardly ever an asshole when your around me."
"Gee thanks. Got something else I want ta ask ya. Now that you and Marie seem ta be best buddies I was wondering if ya wouldn't mind spendin so extra time workin with Kitty, Jubilee and her."
They made plans for Janet to work with the girls three evenings a week on training with the bow staff, something that Janet had years of experience with. The other two nights Logan would work with them on using edged weapons. She asked him what he and Pete were up to but Logan wouldn't tell her anything beyond that it was a surprise and she would find out soon enough. Just as they finished their students came bouncing in. Janet felt like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. She was still worried about him, but at least he was no longer distancing himself from everyone. What ever happened he had promised to seek help if the dreams got to be too much for him. For now that would have to be enough.
The next day Logan and Janet introduced their class to the Danger Room. Ororo spent an hour carefully explaining to them what it was and what it could do. Then she went up to the control room to run a few simple simulations so that Logan could give them a more hands on demonstration. With safety controls set to the maximum and Logan right beside them they were each allowed to punch out the holographic equivalent of one drunk mugger. All in all he was pleased with their progress. Even Kitty got in a few good licks after she squealed and phased when her target loomed out of the shadows. Of course at this level it was almost like fighting your grandmother. Still it was a start. Looking up to signal Ro to start the final session (for Jubilee who as usual showed off by flipping over the target and hitting it from behind) Logan caught a glimpse of somebody up there with her.
It was Anna Harper. Logan was more then a little surprised not having seen the girl since the night he had rescued her and her sister nearly a week ago. Ororo had informed him the other day that Anna was staying with her in the attic loft but apparently she never came out because he hadn't seen her at all, even during meals. For a moment they lock eyes then she back away from the glass. Logan wondered if the reason the girl didn't show herself was because she might be afraid of him. He'd have to ask Xavier about that. He turned his attention to more pleasant things, like yelling at Jubilation Lee.
It was late that night when she found him. He had just finished his perimeter sweep and was sitting on the patio enjoying a cigar. He heard the glass door slide open and his first thought was that he must have said something stupid during the Danger Room session and Marie was coming out to call him on it. Sniffing the air he realized it was Anna. Suddenly he wished that he was fighting Sabertooth. Slowly he turned his head until he could see her. Even though it was dark he had no problem picking her out standing just inside the open door. She smelled nervous but the expression on her face wasn't fear...more like curious. After a little hesitation she came over and sat across the table from him.
He took a drag on the cigar while he struggled to think of something to say. She made a face as she waved away the smoke.
"You shouldn't smoke those things...they're bad for you...and they stink."
"Sorry for the smell kid but this is the only place around here that they let me smoke em."
He noticed the nervousness in her scent take a big jump. She was just staring at his cigar. Shit! Suddenly it came to him in a flash of memory. The burns on her arms. Trying to be casual about it he flicked the stogie away from them into Ororo's garden. Immediately her posture relaxed and her scent returned to normal.
"Sorry...I don't mean to be freaksome but they still make me nervous."
"Ain't nothin ta be sorry about kid. We all got little things that bother us. Me..I don't like bein under water. Thought of it scares the livin hell outta me."
She was just looking at him so intently. "Really...I know it's stupid but I just can't help it. So water...being under water is really scary to you."
"Yea it is...and it ain't stupid. Ain't no one ever told me I was stupid cause I don't like bein under water. Don't let em tell you either."
She gave a frustrated huff. "But I can't go around freaking whenever anyone wants to smoke."
He met her nervous gaze. "Took me awhile...and it still bugs me...but I finally got around ta learnin how ta swim. Even learned how ta stick my head under water."
"How...how did you do that. I mean how did you stop being afraid?"
"Never did figure out how ta stop being afraid of the water. First few times I tried it I was so scared I almost puked. Still don't like swimming all that much. But I wasn't gonna let those fuckers win."
Her eyes looked wet. "Sometimes I just want to crawl in hole and die. I'm so fucking sick of being scared. The Professor and Janet are real nice. They told me that I didn't do anything wrong...that I didn't deserve this. But if I didn't do anything why did those men treat me like a fucking whore."
"Anna scumbags like that don't need no reason other than they enjoy hurtin people. I don't know you from Adam but I'm damn sure you didn't deserve what was done ta ya. Same way I know I didn't deserve these." Making a fist he released the claws of his right hand letting them come out slowly hoping not to frighten her. Her hand flew to her mouth and for a second he thought she was going to be sick. Instead she reached out and he had to quickly turn his hand so the dull side of the blades faced her.
"Careful kid...these things could slice your fingers off if ya touch em wrong."
She ran a single finger lightly down the back of one. "I can't...I thought I must have imagined it. I mean I remember what happened but I was sure it couldn't really have happened. Sorry sometimes I babble when...when I'm nervous. So...there's no way that's natural...I mean shit you got metal claws."
Logan sighed. He hated telling people what had happened. Just the other day he had told Hank to fuck off when he had asked for details. Slowly he retracted the claws and let her watch while within seconds the raw wounds between his knuckles disappeared. "Claws ain't my mutation kid. I heal from anything and I got real good senses...much better then a normal...or any mutant I ever met either. The claws were put in me by some bunch of sick fuckers a long time ago. Cut me open and poured the metal right over my bones. The water...water thing...the reason it bugs me. Strapped me down in a fuckin tank full a some kinda green liquid when they put the metal in my body. Being under water brings it all back." As he talked his voice had gotten lower and lower finishing in a soft growl.
She swallowed the lump in her throat looking away. The just sat there not speaking for a few minutes. When she finally lifted her head tears were streaming down her face. "Janet told me I should talk to you. At first I said no...I didn't want to...after the way you had seen me with those men. She said that you would understand better then anyone...what it was like...to have stuff done to you. I didn't believe her...how would you fucking know. You're a man. But she was right...she was right. Logan how did you...after it happened how did you go on. How am I supposed to live with this?"
"Ain't the best person to ask that kid. Don't know what the hell Janet was thinkin...she knows damn well I ain't never done a good job dealin with what those fuckers did ta me. Ain't gonna lie ta ya. Took me a lot of years before I could even think ta stop lookin over my shoulder. Guess the only thing I can tell ya is don't handle things like I did. Don't cut yerself off from people that can help ya...don't try and deal with all this shit on yer own. I wasted a lot o years before I came here tryin ta do things my way...figured if I stayed away from everyone the fuckers couldn't get ta me again. That ain't no way ta live kid."
"How can I face everyone here if they all know what happened...what they did to me? I feel bad enough when I talk with Janet or Professor Xavier. I just don't think I could deal with everyone feeling sorry for me and trying to help me."
"I know what ya mean...some things ya just don't want ta talk about. I know the older kids...the ones your age pretty well. Some of them had it real rough before they came here so they'll know when ta give ya space. When I first came here didn't know what the hell ta think of the place. Brought a girl I found on the road with me...her parents tossed her out cause of her mutation. Told me more than once that she thinks of Xavier's as her family now. If yer not sure about getting ta know anyone try Rogue first. I think yer sister's been stayin in her room since ya both got here."
He could tell that at least she was thinking about what he had said. He was just about to suggest they both needed to get some sleep when he saw the car coming up the schools drive way. They both watched as it stopped briefly at the gate which opened to let it through. Continuing on the car turned toward them and they were briefly illuminated before it passed on heading for the garage. He had a pretty good idea who was driving so when Anna started to get out of her chair he motioned for her to wait.
"Relax kid...no reason ta be afraid. I 'm pretty sure ...make it damn sure I know who that is. Ain't gonna hurt ya plus he don't know anything about ya. Give it a try kid...all ya got ta do is say hi and I'll let ya make yer escape."
The sat in the darkness for a few minutes Anna trying with little success to calm her nerves. Just when she was sure that whoever it was Logan was talking about would not be putting in an appearance she heard the glass doors she had come through sliding open. A tall man wearing what looked like sunglasses stepped out onto the patio. Since it was dark he apparently didn't notice her at first.
"Logan...I thought it was you. Aren't you...oh...sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt."
"Not a problem. Anna and I were done anyway."
Scott Summers was well used to putting people at ease. Even though he was dead on his feet after driving for a day and a half straight he always liked meeting a new student. "Hello Anna, I'm Scott Summers." He extended a hand and for a second he thought he'd made a big mistake. She just sat there staring at him and his first thought was that her mutation might be something that was transferred by touch. She looked at Logan and then back at him and he was about to pull back and apologize for his blunder when her hand snaked out and took his.
"Hi...it's um...it's nice to meet you. I'm...really tired so I think I'll go to bed now."
She was up and though the door so fast that all Scott could do was watch. Logan seeing the confused expression on his face decided to have mercy on him.
"Relax Summers...ya didn't do anything. Kids been though some bad shit and she's just a little nervous around people she don't know."
"Ok...I guess I'm too tired to even want to know why she's sitting out here with you at two in the morning. I don't get it Logan. Why aren't you in Canada beating the crap out of rednecks?"
"Got two words for ya Summers...fuck you. We do our runnin at six...that's A. M. Meet us down by the wildflower garden." He couldn't help a small smile when Scott began cursing. For some reason he was suddenly in a much better mood. Funny that Summers could have that effect on him. Tomorrow was going to be a beautiful day.