So here is the next update! :D Hopefully I didn't take too long lol xD I've been enjoying my winter vacation for the most part, just spending time with the family and old friends :) Although I'm starting to miss dorm life, seeing my friends everyday, hanging out till late at night, doing whatever I want, that stuff sticks with you xDDDD anyways, enjoy! :D
Disclaimer: I don't own Shugo Chara, or anything of its characters, sadly.
"Is that the only option then?" A soft voice asked out from dim darkness, where the only light source was the moon's glow, shining through my window.
"Yea." I answered in a quiet tone, feeling the slightest bit of warmth of the body beside me.
"A transplant?"
"Yea," I repeated, a feeble hint of frustration rising in me, but I knew that him being him, he was only trying to get as much information as possible.
"I see…"
From the corner of my eye, I saw him cast his gaze downward to the floor, his eyes growing distant. I brought my knees close to me, as earlier events passed through my mind.
I didn't really know how long I had been crying in his arms as I struggled to collect myself. The whole scene seemed surreal; the only thing plaguing my mind at moment was the realization of my true fear. I vaguely recalled hearing voices of concerns every now and then as strangers passed on by, going to the market, going to visit friends, or going to some other place as they went on with their daily lives. A strong emotion at the voice of someone else would suddenly pass quickly through me, stopping my tears for a second. It wasn't until I heard Nagihiko's collected voice assuring the unknown person that everything was all right, that I recognized it as anger. I actually got angry because unlike me, that stranger could go on and live a life normally, not having the terror of knowing when their time on earth would end, when they would disappear. Fresh tears would start running down from my eyes again, as a tremor struck at my soul.
Nagihiko was mostly quiet throughout the whole ordeal. Occasionally, I would feel a soft, warm hand rub my back gently which helped me calm down a bit, letting me know that for now, I wasn't alone. It wasn't until my tears had stopped falling, and that I had steadied my breathing, that I became aware of the person who had comforted me, whose embrace I was in.
He spoke soft reassuring words after he noticed that I was calmed down and with his help, helped me stand up. I remember him asking for my cellphone, and I automatically gave to him, my mind in a distant place, not wondering at that moment why would he need one. He dialed a number, and after hearing bits of his conversation with the other person, I knew that it was my mom he had called. I didn't bother asking why but soon my cellphone was back in my hands and I found ourselves walking to my house. The walk to my house was also silent but I didn't mind at that moment. Feelings of embarrassment, anger, or even fear surprisingly weren't present, I felt as if I was just running on auto-pilot, doing what I was told.
He ended up walking me upstairs to my room and somehow we both ended up sitting beside each other on my bed as I quietly answered the many questions he started asking about my situation.
I regarded him silently as I thought about the strangeness of this scene. Here I was, talking away without any restrains to a person that my dislike for him was more than normal for two people always meeting after school. But I guess it was because for now, I felt relieved. For now, I wasn't the only one that knew the fear that I was dealing with. I had finally let out this huge secret that had been tearing me apart, and for now, that was enough.
He turned his gaze from the floor and up to me, his expression contemplative.
"When were you planning on telling us?" He asked, with a hint of dullness in his eyes.
I squirmed a bit, hoping that I didn't have to answer that question, but as I met his bleak eyes, I knew that he would just keep on pressing on that subject.
"Soon…I planned to tell everyone soon." I answered, fibbing a bit.
"Rima," his serious tone made me turn away from his face and clutch my knees even closer to me, knowing that he had seen through my lie. His behavior earlier made me see that it was probably best not to lie to him anymore.
"Fine," I said reluctantly, my eyes careful not to meet his, "I wasn't going to tell anyone anytime soon…probably not even tell at all," I ended quietly, more to myself.
You weren't supposed to know; I thought as I looked out the window, nobody was. Everything was supposed to remain normal for everyone else. But I knew that for Nagihiko, that couldn't be true anymore no matter how much I could wish for it to be. It wasn't as if I could demand him to forget whatever he knew and go back to not knowing at all. Was it even possible?
"You're strong," he said quietly, almost like a whisper, breaking away my thoughts.
I turned my glance at him, a confused frown forming on my face.
"Strong?" I asked in a soft voice.
"Yes," he answered in the same voice, with his gaze downward, not allowing me to see the expression in his eyes.
"I'm not strong," I objected softly, playing with the hem of my skirt. Who was the girl that hid behind a façade, afraid to let anyone see her true emotions? Who was the girl that spent most of her time hidden from the world, afraid to face anyone that might find out? Who was the girl that was even hesitant about something normal as sleeping, afraid that the darkness in her nightmare might cause her to disappear? I was.
To my surprise, he chuckled lightly, and turned to meet my eyes, a melancholy smile playing on his lips.
"Wanting to keep this all to yourself? I think that's a big burden for any person to carry," he replied in a pensive tone. "That's not very fair to that person, especially when there are many people that care for her, and will support her no matter how rough things may get."
I let out a small sigh. Typical Nagihiko answer. "If I wanted to get lectured by a therapist, I would've gone to one already."
"And what about you not telling a peep to anyone?" He asked, a slight playful edge to his voice.
"Not the point." I answered firmly, rolling my eyes at him.
Would that really help? I thought, would telling everyone else really make it better for me? But I can't be that selfish, only thinking about myself. Nagihiko doesn't know what he's talking about, he doesn't understand.
He smiled at my reaction, his eyes brightening for a moment before turning solemn again, as he turned his gaze to the window where the moon shone.
I watched him with contemplative eyes briefly, wondering what was going through his mind that caused his sudden change of mood before turning away from him, and stifling a yawn. The exhaustion that I had managed to control for a while was finally catching up to me. The events that had happened earlier certainly didn't help at all. I closed my eyes for a few seconds before a voice caused them to open again.
"I'm sorry."
I turned to look at him with a confused expression, not expecting to hear that. Upset eyes stared back and I frowned, not understanding his sudden words at all.
"What do you mean you're sorry?" I asked, and he turned his eyes down for a moment, before meeting mine again.
"I mean, I'm sorry for the way that I acted earlier," he said ashamed, the corners of his mouth turning downwards into a frown.
I cringed internally as I remembered what he referred to. The way he had gripped my hands, the hard tone of his voice, the sudden flash of anger in his eyes, all that brought back unwanted feelings of fear and dread. I took a slow breath and closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down and forget the frightening demeanor he had before.
I gave a small jump as I suddenly felt his soft hand reach for mine. But as I looked into his somber eyes, I knew this time that he was holding my hand was different. I felt…warm and comforting. Not like last time where to me, his hand was something preventing me to escape from my distress.
"You're still scared," he said softly in a sorrowful voice, and I shook my head, not wanting to see him like this.
"N-No," I answered, "I'm not scared, and I wasn't scared before."
"Your voice gives it away," he said, casting his eyes away from me, his hand still in my hand.
I cursed silently. Since when did this guy become a walking lie detector?
"Fine, you did scare me before and a bit now," I stated with pursed lips, "Happy?"
"Not really," he answered and turned his eyes back to me, with a sad smile on his face.
"Then I forgive you," I said, hoping he would get out of this mood quickly. "Or should I give you a cookie too?"
He shook his head. "I don't deserve such an easy apology." He turned his eyes to our hands which were both on the bed, intertwined with each other.
I stayed quiet and he turned his eyes back to me, pain written on his face.
"I don't even know why I acted that way," he continued in a soft voice, "I guess it was because it frustrated me how stubborn you were in not declaring your fear, in not seeking us when you obviously needed us more than anything… you're allowed to tell you know."
"Hey, watch who you're calling stubborn," I scolded lightly, in an attempt to lighten the mood. But obviously it was in vain as he turned his head down, hiding his solemn expression.
"I'm sorry," I heard him murmur in a voice that struck me as heart-breaking, and I couldn't deny that even though I didn't like him, for some reason something inside me struck involuntarily, hurting me seeing him like that.
"Come on," I said, removing my hand from his and patting him gently on his head, like a mother comforting her child, something that even caught me by surprise.
He turned his gaze upwards, also surprised by sudden action and I knew that I had to do something to cancel it out. So I did the only thing that came to mind and was also the very thing that I knew he didn't like.
"Ow! What was that for?" he exclaimed as I yanked on one of his silky, long locks of hair.
"Because you're acting weird," I said, trying not to smirk and remain serious.
He rubbed the section of his head where I had pulled on his hair and smiled at me, even though his eyes were still bleak.
"I thought it was decided that I was stupid," he spoke.
"Fine," I said, "I stand corrected, you are stupid but you're also weird."
His smile diminished as he spoke again . "Rima, I really am sorr-"
"No," I interrupted. "If you apologize again one more time, I won't just yank your hair, I'll rip it off."
His eyes looked taken back for a minute before he let out a chuckle. "I guess I can't really say anything with a threat like that."
I nodded and crossed my arms. At least he got out of that depressed mood.
"Before I forget, I do have to ask you something else," he said in a serious tone.
"Hmm?" I asked, already anxious of what he was going to say.
"When will you be telling Amu and the others about this?"
Maybe I should've let him kept apologizing to me. I yawned right on cue, making it as dramatic as I could to appear exhausted.
"I'm really tired, I want to go to sleep now," I said in a weary voice, stretching my arms out, glad that it really wasn't a lie.
His eyes changed to those with concern. "Are you feeling okay? Should I get you something?"
"I'm just tired, everything's okay," I stated with frustration over his unnecessary worry. There, I managed to change the topic.
"Okay," he replied, even though a concerned look still remained on him. "If you don't mind me asking, when are you planning on telling the others?"
Never mind, he saw right through that.
"Not anytime soon, "I answered, not exactly lying.
He frowned, and I knew right away what his answer was going to be. "I know this is not something that I can decide, but I feel uneasy with this. I think Amu-chan and everyone else should now."
I broke my gaze from him and to a picture that I had with me and Amu on my dresser. It's true that she was one of my first friends when I had changed schools and reminded me that I didn't always have to keep to myself, that I finally had friends that I could share my problems with. But something like this, I thought, as I felt a troubled feeling arise in me, how would she react? How could I tell her that maybe in less than a year, maybe I wouldn't be around anymore? I closed my eyes, feeling the start of tears well up behind them. No, I can't deal with this right now, not when I have much to deal with already.
I opened them and turned back to Nagihiko, who was regarding me with a troubled expression as well.
"I can't," I answered softly, "not right now."
He continued to stare at me, his deep, dull eyes meeting mine. He wouldn't tell would he? I suddenly thought in worry. He couldn't, that would go against everything he is…but still.
"You're not going to tell right?" I asked trying to keep my voice from sounding anxious, playing with the hem of my skirt.
"It's not my place to tell," he answered with the frown still on his face, "but I really wished you would. Keeping everyone in the dark about this just doesn't seem right."
"Fine," I said, but still not feeling completely relieved, "I'll tell them when it's the right time."
He continued to study me for a moment before turning away. "Okay, when will you know what's the right time?"
"I'll know," I murmured, turning my gaze back to the moon. "I just have too much to deal with right now to deal with everyone else." I thought of my parents, of KusuKusu and brought my knees close to me again. "I have to get through this myself for now."
"What am I then, a ghost?"
My eyes flickered back to his, who had a small smile with a hint of amusement in his eyes.
"What do you mean?" I asked and he let out a light chuckle.
"Aren't you forgetting that I know too?"
"Yea, so?"
"Soo," he spoke, drawing out the last syllable longer than usual, "what kind of person would I be to let you battle with all of this all on your own?"
"I'm not battling anything," I said, annoyance starting to set on me as I saw what he was getting at.
"What I mean," He started, looking at me with thoughtful eyes, "you don't have to be alone in going through all of this, like I said before, this is much too heavy and painful for one person to carry."
"But we're not friends," I stated, and a flash of hurt passed through his eyes quickly before he recovered himself.
"Okay," he said with a downcast smile, "how about you see me as an ally?"
"Hmmm," I said, feigning thoughtfulness, brining a hand to my chin. "Allies are united together right, they stand by each other?"
He nodded. "Yes, they stand by each other, helping each other with whatever conflict or problem the other person might encounter."
I turned away from him. "No, I don't want you next to me."
"Rima…" his voice made me shoot a glance at him again, his expression catching me by surprise. He actually had a genuine, soft smile this time, his aching eyes looking into mine, almost as if they could see past them, because in reality, the last thing that I wanted to be is alone. The thought of continuing the routine that I had been doing for now, was leaving me lost in hopelessness and despair. My parents were too lost in their own pain to even notice their daughter's. And those reoccurring nightmares, I didn't know how much of them I could take before the darkness would swallow me completely. All of these things were more than enough to break me apart, leaving parts of me in pieces, never being the girl that I once was.
I broke my gaze from him and brought my knees close to me again, trying to keep away all those bad feelings from hurting me. "I don't know…" I muttered and I felt a soft movement beside me.
He stood up and did something that bewildered me.
"Rima," he said softly, with gentle eyes and a smile. "Would you allow me to stand by your side, as your ally?" He bowed, his long, silky hair falling to the sides of his face and stretched out his arm to me, offering his hand.
"G-Get up, will you?" I asked, as I felt warmness on my cheeks. "This is too weird, even for you."
"You still haven't answered my question, I can stand here for as long as I need to." He replied, smiling teasingly at me.
I crossed my arms, defeated.
"You don't have to be so stubborn Rima-chan," I heard him say and I sighed, knowing that this bickering could last for a while.
"F-Fine," I said, well aware of the crimson flush on my face, "You can stand beside me, just a few feet apart, not like right right next to me."
He kept on smiling, his hand still stretched out to me, and I scoffed, realizing that I had no other option than to take it. I placed my hand into his hand, and I let out a small gasp as he suddenly pulled me up from the bed and into his soft embrace. But it wasn't this that caught me by surprise.
The moment that I took his hand, a sudden wave of sadness passed through me, eclipsing all my other emotions entirely. The sadness was too large for me to understand but just as soon as it came, it faded away instantly.
Why? I thought to myself as I felt tears start to flow out silently from my eyes, why does this feel so familiar? Why does his embrace has a scent of remembrance to it and why does it hurt?
I broke away from him and brought my hands to my eyes, trying to wipe away all noticeable tears. Why?
"Rima!" he said suddenly, worry written on his face. "Did I hurt you? Did I pull you up too fast?"
I shook my head, still trying to control my tears. I don't understand, did he feel it too? But as I looked up and his distressed eyes meet my tear-stained eyes, I knew he had felt it too.
I tried to let out a small laugh. "Look at me, the moment I know that for once I won't be alone, I start tearing up, I guess you must think that I'm not so strong now huh?"
He smiled softly at me, "No, I still think you're strong, most persons would've kept on sobbing and sobbing while still hugging the other person. But then again, those persons are normal and not as stubborn as others."
I crossed my arms. "Well," I said, trying to keep a serious face, "can you bear the weight?"
"What do you mean?" he asked, confusion written in his face.
"Now that you so desperately wanted to become my "ally" and stand beside me, a few feet apart of course, you now have to carry half of my pain, or burden as you put it."
He smiled, looking at me with soft eyes. "I guess that falls under one of my duties."
I raised an eyebrow at him, a serious expression still remaining on my face. "Can you? Without telling anyone until I decide the right time when I want?"
He let out a chuckle, and smirked at me, crossing his arms. "Don't worry, it might be kind of heavy, but I'm quite strong."
I sighed and turned to face the window as I felt fatigue fall on me. "Let's just hope that."
As if on cue, I heard a car pull up into my drive way.
I turned to him, with an expression on my face as if I had just been caught doing something disapproving. "My mom."
"Don't worry, I called her before, telling her that I would walk you home, remember?" he said lightly.
"Oh, yea," I replied, the memories of those events still foggy in my mind. I could still feel the wetness of my tears on my cheek and I wiped them away quickly, as if trying to deny the sudden rush of feelings that I had experienced.
"I should probably go now-"
"Yea, you should," I interrupted, feeling exhausted more than ever.
He smiled softly at me, and after giving me another quick, soft embrance, started to head out to the door, grabbing the doorknob. He suddenly turned back to glance at me.
"And about holding onto things that aren't there anymore," he spoke with soft eyes, "It's not pointless. It's hope."
I blinked at him, and soon he disappeared with a gentle "good-bye". I took a deep breath and went to lie on my bed, trying to process everything that had happened and had been said today. The many emotions that I had experienced, all I wanted to do was to rid me of all of them and just have a blank mind, a clean slate.
"So am I really not alone anymore?" I spoke quietly to myself. Could I trust him with my troubles? I breathed slowly, remembering that sudden rush of that unknown anguish when I had taken his hand. That time seemed different than all the other times. Why had it felt so familiar? Like if I had experienced it before. But I knew that if I thought more about it, I would be stepping on delicate grounds. I closed my eyes, trying to forget about it. No, it must have been nothing, it was probably because of my fatigue, I must be getting delusional.
.~Because they truly existed there~.
This turned out longer than expected lol xD Thanks for all your reviews! Review to let me know what you think on this chapter :D Expect an update in week ;) I hope all of you had a happy holiday and got all that you wanted! =]