And When I Wake

Chapter 14

"I'm not sure. We've covered a lot of the bases out here, but we haven't got anything solid yet. We'll see what the next twenty-four hours brings."

Reid was making his call after a shared supper with his teammates and members of the sheriff's department. Kimura had already retired to the hotel to rest.

"Well, I hope to God it doesn't bring another sick child, or an injury to another one of my friends. Please tell Linda I'll pray that she stays well." Stephanie corrected herself. "That all of you stay well. Please be careful, Spencer."

Though she's not been made privy to the mechanism of injury, Stephanie had been distressed to learn that Kimura had been in the hospital. The two had developed a friendship in the course of working on the mentorship program together.

"I will. Tell her, that is. And I'll be careful."

"Well, I know it's selfish of me, but I hope you'll be free in time to meet the tour in Vegas. I'd love to see your home town with you."

It was one of the cities added on as a part of the new extension of the orchestra's national tour.

"That would be great, wouldn't it? Although I'm banned from a number of casinos there. Card-counting."

"Seriously?"

"Uh-huh. It's not something I can turn off. My brain just does it. So we might have limited options, but if we stick to the craps tables, it might be okay."

Reid looked up as JJ poked her head into the conference room to indicate it was time for them to leave. She could only hear his end of the conversation.

On the other end of the phone, Stephanie was giggling. "My Spencer, a big, bad gambling outcast! Who would have known!?"

"Hmph." He feigned indignation, as he waved to acknowledge JJ. "Half of Vegas, as it turns out. So our tour might have to be limited to the desert. But at least it's beautiful out there. So many shades of sandstone, and the sky that goes on forever…."

JJ smiled, watching him come alive at the thought of home. For all of the difficulties of his childhood, she knew Reid had developed the one relationship that excited him to this day…his relationship with the desert. She'd been troubled by the idea at first, having applied her own personal reaction to it, instead of his.

It's so lonely out there. How is it that you relate so much to a place that can make a body feel so lonely?

And she'd worried about him, as she so often did. But, gradually, she'd come to see it through his eyes.

It brings you peace. It's quiet, and you're not bombarded by so much input that your mighty brain is powerless to ignore. It's where you can think.

Reid had completed his call by the time she emerged from her reverie, and startled her by calling her name.

"Earth to JJ.."

"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. Must have been daydreaming. Was that Stephanie?"

"Yes."

It was so like him, to answer the question precisely, and then nothing more. The only times he went on beyond the absolutely necessary were when he had some illuminating tidbit to share. Or, when he was worried about her, and trying to draw her out.

Well, I guess I've learned from the master. Not quite sure it was the same thing. After all, she wasn't worried about him...was she? Nonetheless, JJ tried to draw him out in turn.

"And you guys are going to Vegas?" Surprised at her own tone, at that slight hint of jealousy infusing her words. Hoping he hadn't noticed.

If he had, he didn't show it. "Well, she's going to Vegas. It's one of the stops on the extension of the tour. Whether or not I make it will depend on how things go here. Or elsewhere. Who knows what we'll be working on next week."

"Oh, I see. You're trying to meet up. Hmph. Sounds like me and Will, back in the day." When the long distance between them had been a strain on their relationship. And now it's the short distance. How's that for irony?

"Well, I don't know if we'll pull it off or not. But she'd like to try."

JJ remembered something. "I heard you telling her about the desert. But I always thought it was the night sky you loved so much, not the sandstone." He'd told her about it a few times.

He looked a bit uncomfortable. "It is." But I don't share it with everyone. Not right away, anyway. "But the daytime scenery is beautiful, too."

The blonde profiler chewed on her lower lip, wondering if she should allow the words to escape. Then, without a conscious decision on her part, they were out.

"And you could introduce her to your mother. Right?"

Another thing he might not be quite ready to share. Reid chose not to respond. Instead, he made a show of looking at his watch.

"We'd better get going. We don't want to draw attention by arriving late.

Even after agreeing that emotion would most likely play a larger role than fact for the antivaxxers, they'd done their homework and read through the sites Garcia had provided them. They reviewed what they'd learned on the way to the meeting.

"Okay, so…..we know they put a lot of stock in that one article that was debunked, the one that says the MMR vaccine causes autism." JJ got them started. "But I don't understand why they didn't reconsider when the article was retracted. What are they thinking?"

Reid knew. "They're thinking that the article was retracted because 'the powers that be' forced it."

"A conspiracy? From the scientific community? But why…"

He interrupted her. "Not the scientific community. They think the government forced the retraction, or that the pharmaceutical industry did it."

"But why would they? And why would anyone believe that?"

He flashed her a glance. "JJ, don't you know how many paranoid people we have in this country? Don't you know how many people don't trust their own government?"

She sniffed. "Well, it's not like I know any of them personally, but, yes, I know of them. How could I not? They're on the news every other night, complaining about one thing or another."

He suppressed his laugh before it could grow. "Sounds like you don't quite agree with them."

"Do you?" Said quickly, and with surprise. He'd asked her about her own beliefs on vaccination, but she'd never asked him. She'd just assumed.

He took a moment to make sure his words would come out right. "It's not that I don't trust the science. But I've seen….we've both seen, right?... where industry can get out of control. So, no, I don't believe it's a conspiracy. But I guess I understand where they're coming from, those who do. It's not like it's unprecedented."

"But…if a company was promoting a vaccine that they knew to be dangerous….wouldn't that make them worse than all the serial killers we've ever gone after, all put together? I mean, think of the numbers!"

He agreed with her. "Fortunately, I doubt it's actually happening. We've got checks and balances in place, after all. The industry may develop the vaccine in the first place, but it's the medical community who delivers it. Even if industry wanted to squelch things, the public health community would be studying the effects of the vaccine on the people who receive it, both good and bad."

"So you'd really have to have the paranoia gene activated to think that they were all in cahoots, I guess. As much as I worried about making the right decision, especially after reading those handouts, I couldn't see Henry's pediatrician doing anything to him that she didn't think was for the best. He's crazy about her, and I think the feeling is mutual."

Reid chuckled. "You mean, he's got another crush besides Meg?"

Henry's fascination with Kate's niece was well known to all of them.

JJ laughed as well. "My son, the ladies' man."

"The older ladies' man."

"Ha. Well, anyway, I can't see Dr. Monica not noticing if bad things were happening to her patients after she'd given them vaccines. I think, if it had happened to even one of them, she'd have looked into it. And she's probably not unusual in that. So, I guess you're right. It doesn't make any sense to believe in some huge national conspiracy to keep the dangers of vaccines from the general public. The real question, then, is….why do so many people still see it that way?"

"Confirmation bias."

"What?"

"Confirmation bias. It's when you form a belief, and then you only pay attention to the things that confirm it, and ignore those that don't. It's a major pitfall for research. In this case, it means that all anyone needs is one 'expert' who will go against the grain, and the antivaxxers feel vindicated. Or one possible vaccine-related case of something. It's all it takes."

She got it now. "Like that one guy who wrote the paper about autism and vaccines, but wouldn't retract it, even though all of his fellow authors did."

"Exactly. And I'll bet a lot of people don't know that he was subsequently barred from practicing medicine because of research misconduct, with that very study."

JJ shook her head. "Sometimes I think I went along with having Henry vaccinated just because I didn't have it in me to go against the system. I've always been 'the good girl', ever since I was a kid. I've always followed the rules."

They shot each other a sideways glance at that. It was her 'always following the rules' that had almost cost them their friendship. She'd not shared her knowledge of Emily's being alive with him, because she'd been ordered not to. He'd seen it as duplicity, and it had almost broken them apart. Almost. Because, although they'd spent time alienated from one another, the caring had run too deep. The connection between them remained supple, no matter how brittle its exterior. And, once that brittle exterior had been pared away….by time, and tears, and apology... what remained within was still strong, and healthy.

"Somehow, I think, where Henry is concerned, you would have found a way to buck the system, if you thought it needed to be bucked." He'd seen Mother Bear JJ in action too often to think otherwise. "I think you evaluated the risk and the benefit, and then…."

"And then I prayed that I was making the right decision." She shifted in her seat as they pulled into the parking lot of the church that was hosting the meeting. "I feel for these parents, Spence. I really do. I mean, they all only want what's best for their children."

"Except for one of them," Reid reminded her. "One of them has taken it upon him or herself to make a point of protecting their child by harming the children of others. And I hope they're at this meeting."

The turnout was larger than they'd expected, with nearly two hundred people in attendance. JJ whispered to Reid as he held the door for her, at the entrance to the church hall.

"I was picturing them as a small, rebel group, but this is a huge crowd. I forgot where I was, I guess." In the heart of one of the largest concentrations of antivaxxers in the country.

That was all the conversation they had time for before they were surrounded by the large crowd. Any further such communication would have to be nonverbal.

There was a sign-in table off to the left. Reid ushered his wife over, and entered their names. One of the women staffing the table was obviously trying to read what he'd written, upside down. Having noticed, Reid flipped the paper around.

"There. That will make it easier for you."

The woman blushed. "Sorry, I guess I was just being nosy. I come to all of these, and I know a lot of the people, but I haven't seen you or your wife before."

"Well, then, let us introduce ourselves. I'm Eric Prentiss, and this is my wife, Anna."

JJ gave the women an uncertain smile. "We actually haven't been to one of these before. But….well, our son is in the first grade, and they've just diagnosed him with a learning disability, and we remembered that bad fever he'd had after a vaccine, and…."

Her voice had filled with emotion. Reid put a supportive arm around her shoulder, and explained.

"And we're worried that maybe we're responsible for his disability. So we came here to find out."

"Oh," said the woman, "Honey, don't you cry about it. It doesn't do a body good to feel guilty. What you need to feel is angry. Angry enough to make them stop." She put out her hand. "I'm Eloise, by the way."

They shook hands all around, picked up a couple of flyers about future meetings, and then Reid and JJ found seats in the back row. They wanted to be able to observe the body language of the others.

A few minutes later, the meeting was called to order. A man stood at a small podium, and looked out at the crowd.

"Well, it looks like we've got quite a turnout tonight. And I see quite a few new faces, as well. So, let's do some housekeeping first. We ask all of you to silence your cell phones. I know many of you have little ones at home with the babysitter, so we'll allow you to keep them on, as long as they're on vibrate. For those of you who are new to us, we do have some additional rules. This is a meeting where we speak freely, and would like everyone to feel as though they can do the same. For that reason, we do not allow recording of any kind, nor any kind of photography. Anyone seen violating those rules will be escorted to the door."

He looked around, presumably gauging the reactions of the newcomers. Both Reid and JJ obliged by pulling out their cell phones and putting them on 'vibrate'. It had already been decided that, if they needed to do any covert communication, it would be by texting their babysitter…a woman named 'Penelope'.

Apparently satisfied, the male continued to open the meeting. "My name is Harold Farley, and I am the parent of a child harmed by a vaccine. I welcome all of you, new and old. And, as is our custom, I'll invite the newcomers to tell us their stories."

He waited, as the crowd looked around to find the unfamiliar faces. Several people began staring at JJ and Reid, to the point where Reid thought he would have to stand and speak. But then there was a throat-clearing from the middle of the room, on the left, and a woman stood. Her voice mimicked the visible trembling of her limbs as she spoke.

"It…..it's been three years. My son was completely normal at birth. Beautiful. Bright. He had such an amazing smile. And then….." For a few seconds, she struggled to find her voice, but then shook her head, and sat back down. The man who'd been sitting next to her rose, his voice only slightly less shaky than hers had been.

"What my wife was trying to say was that our son…..our incredible, wonderful son…..had his first set of vaccinations. A month later, he caught a fever, and the doctors said it was a virus. And he's never been the same since. We never took him anywhere, there was no way he could have gotten sick. It had to have been those goddamned vaccines."

Murmuring swept through the crowd, mixed with identifiable encouragements of, 'You've got that right!' and 'Amen, brother!' And then Harold Farley addressed his assembly once again.

"I know there's another story out there. In fact, I know there are a hundred stories out there. But let's hear from another one of our newbies. Anyone?"

His eyes roamed the crowd, stopping briefly on each new face. The ice broken, two people stood at once, ready to speak. Farley called on them in turn, and then on the several others who looked willing to share their tales of woe.

The litany of sorrow was getting to JJ. Reid sensed it, as she seemed to be closing in upon herself. He reached across to take her hand, keeping his index finger free. He wagged the finger back and forth, to indicate 'no', and could only hope she knew what he meant by it.

Eventually, it seemed, it was their turn. Farley had thanked all of the others in turn, and now focused his gaze intently upon the Prentiss family. Reid squeezed JJ's hand as he stood to be their spokesperson. Wanting to deliver his tale with the proper emotion, Reid forced himself to think about Henry having lived through their backstory. It was a more effective tool than he'd imagined it would be.

"Our son….our Morgan…. ," his voice breaking even now, "…..was the most….the most intelligent, charming...funny….little boy on the face of the earth. He could light up a room with his smile, and he'd figured out Legos by a year…..not the big clunky ones, mind you, but the little ones, the kind you don't really want him touching until he's older….."

He looked around the room and blushed. Which was when JJ realized how real it was for him. She'd known right away that he was describing Henry. But to hear him publicly describe the depth of his love and pride…..even if the others didn't know who he was talking about….. it touched her deeply. She could only wonder if the trouble he was having with his voice at this point was real.

"And then….." He turned to his 'wife' and the two clasped hands, in support of one another. "And then, we took him for his shots, when he was just a little over a year. About a month later, he had the first real fever of his life. At least 104." Reid made the rapid calculation from Celsius. "And his doctors said it was just a virus. We were foolish enough to believe it then, but now we're not. Because, at first, he seemed okay. He seemed like he'd recovered. Which made us stupid enough to get the rest of his vaccines done. Still, everything seemed fine. But then, when he started school, he struggled. He had trouble reading, working with his letters. He fell behind the rest of the class. The school evaluated him and told us that he has a learning disability."

Mr. Prentiss got louder and more vehement as he made his case to the crowd. "Neither my wife nor I ever had any problems with learning. It doesn't run on either side of the family. It had to have been that fever. And it had to have been from the vaccines. It's too late for Morgan. But we don't want any other parents to go through life feeling as guilty as we do."

There were nods of assent around the room, and a smattering of applause as the crowd realized the last testimony had been given. Harold Farley stood again, and addressed the crowd.

"As you know, our movement has been challenged by the state of Oregon. We've been told that our rights as parents will no longer be respected. We will no longer be able to choose not to vaccinate our children simply because we believe vaccines are harmful. Glen Cooper has been working on strategy for us. Glen?"

Farley motioned another man to the microphone. The man who came forward was middle-aged, balding, fit. Both of the profilers in the audience tried to size him up.

"As you may or may not know, three children have recently died as result of infections that should have been prevented by one of the mandatory vaccines. As far as I've been able to find out, each of them died from meningitis."

None but Reid could have described what 'meningitis' was, but the reaction to the word was still a communal gasp.

"And one of those damn 'required vaccines' should have prevented it. But it didn't. So, those kids….and an awful lot of our kids… were exposed to a vaccine that did nothing. All of the side effects and….boom…nothing. No protection. Kids got the meningitis, and they died."

Still holding his 'wife's' hand, Reid squeezed it and gently wagged his index finger back and forth once again, hoping she understood his signal for 'they're wrong'. He took comfort in feeling her squeeze back.

Glen Cooper was still speaking. "So we need to use this opportunity. I know it may be distasteful to some of you…..it might seem like you're taking advantage of someone else's grief..but if we don't want any more families to be grieved, we need to act." He drew his eyes slowly across the crowd.

"Do I have your cooperation? We've prepared a petition to go before the legislature. I need you each to sign it, and then I want each of you to take it home, bring it around to your community. We need to be heard in Salem this year! We need to get that ridiculous law retracted! We need to take back the right to protect our children! Who's with me on this?"

JJ and Reid chanced sideways glances. This was beginning to sound more like a rally than it was an informational meeting, especially when many in the assembly started responding to Cooper's call.

Surrounding by shouting, JJ took the opportunity to speak into Reid's ear.

"Don't they know that the children's infections weren't covered by the vaccine?"

Reid reciprocated. "Kimura said only the first case was made public. Once they realized they had a second case, they decided to withhold that information. Especially when they realized it had come from their own lab."

JJ's turn again. "So, these people are all operating under the assumption that the vaccine simply failed to work, not that someone created a new strain?"

Before Reid could answer, and as the crowd quieted back down, they heard their pseudonyms being called, this time by Harold Farley.

"Mr. and Mrs. Prentiss, is it? Is there a problem?"

Apparently their conversation hadn't gone unnoticed. Nor their failure to 'join the cause'. Reid began to rise from his seat, but JJ pulled him back down, as she stood herself.

"Not a problem, Mr. Farley. I was just telling my husband that I'd hoped to learn a little more about how this group was formed, and how it operates, maybe take a look at some of your informational material. I feel like it's an uphill battle, and I want to be fully prepared to fight it. I just…" She looked around, managed to blush, and shrugged her helplessness. "I guess I just want to make sure no other parent has to feel as guilty as I do. But I feel so ill prepared for the fight. I was…..we were.." turning briefly to her husband, "…we were hoping you could help us with what we need to know."

At that, her husband stood, putting a protective arm around her. "We don't want to detract from what you're about here tonight, Mr. Farley. Nor you, Mr. Cooper. But, as newcomers to this, we feel a little bit at a loss." He looked down at his wife. "Anna and I don't want to be in the way. Maybe…..is there someone who could meet with us afterward, maybe fill us in on the background to all of this? We would consider it a tremendous favor."

Farley and Cooper exchanged glances, and then Farley seemed to have reached a decision.

"Of course. In fact, I'd be happy to stay after the meeting and speak with you myself." He looked around at the crowd once again, his eyes settling on each pair of newcomers. "That offer extends to all of you, if you're interested."

Eric and Anna Prentiss took their seats once again, and the meeting progressed with a series of proposals on how to engage various media outlets in the process of informing Oregonians that their legislature had failed them by forcing families to risk the side effects of what was obviously an ineffective vaccine. Two different members of the assembly offered the names of local 'experts' who would speak to the risks and absent benefits of several other vaccines. JJ would have been sorely tempted to risk texting the names to Garcia, had she not been with her eidetically-gifted best friend.

After about an hour, Farley ran through a list of assignments generated from the meeting, and then brought the assembly to an end. Reid noticed that he'd done so without reminding the newcomers of his offer to explain things to them.

Several small cliques gathered over coffee at the back of the room, while JJ and Reid stood next to their seats, looking around for where Farley had gone. JJ startled when she felt a hand at her elbow.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Prentiss. I didn't mean to frighten you," said Eloise. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about your son. And that you'll be very happy you came here tonight. This is a good group of people. They really care about the children. You'll see."

JJ thanked the woman for her encouragement. "It's so nice of you to say. Thank you."

Eloise fidgeted, just the slightest bit, alerting the profilers that she had something else to say. JJ chose to prod her.

"Is there something….."

She didn't even make it through the sentence before Eloise burst out with, "I'm sorry. I couldn't help but think about it…..but, you said your son is six?"

Both of the couple nodded.

"So….I'm sorry if I'm prying, but…..it happened to me, and I don't want it to happen to anyone else."

Two sets of brows furrowed in question, which Eloise answered. "My daughter had a reaction to a vaccine, and it damaged her brain. She was completely dependent on me. So, I decided…..well, I decided that I couldn't risk it happening to another child. But, instead of getting involved in the fight….I just decided not to have any more children. But it's become the biggest regret of my life."

Both Mr. and Mrs. Prentiss appeared to share her anguish, prompting her to add, "And then my daughter died. And I was left with no one. I just….I just don't like to see it happening to anyone else. So, sweetie," She took JJ by both hands. "Six years is a long time. I couldn't help but think you were doing the same thing I was, and that you would regret it, one day. Please don't be afraid to have another child. Fight back this way, with the group. It's better, in the end."

She felt vindicated when she saw Mr. Prentiss put his hand on the small of his wife's back. She couldn't know that Reid was worried about her statements precipitating guilt for JJ, over the child she'd lost.

His worry was well-placed, it turned out. But JJ couldn't let it show on her face. She thanked Eloise for her concern, and then added, "And…by the way….do you know where Mr. Farley went? We wanted to speak with him."

Eloise reacted as though she'd not heard the exchange during the meeting. "Mr. Farley? I think he had an appointment. I know he was in a hurry. But he'll be here next time."

They already knew, from the discussion at the end of the meeting, that 'next time' was in two weeks. They wouldn't have that luxury.

"He was going to give us some background on the group," Reid pressed. "We wanted to understand how it got formed, and its philosophy. And we really need more information on the vaccines. All we can find is the stuff that promotes them. And, well, blogs. But the people whose minds need to be changed don't pay attention to blogs."

She laughed at that. "You're one hundred percent right, Mr. Prentiss. The best thing to use to refute a scientist is more science. And we've got plenty of that. I can give you a few things I've got, and I can send you more. What's your address?" They hadn't used it to sign in.

"How about an email?" JJ suggested. She took out a small pad and wrote the email address Garcia had created for them. "You can send us anything else you have. But we'd still really like to speak with Mr. Farley."

Apparently Eloise had taken a liking to them. After a moment's consideration, she'd decided. She reached out a hand and JJ, understanding, passed her the pad. Eloise pulled out her phone and ran through the contacts.

"Here's Harold's cell number. He's kind of private about things, you know. Likes to keep this separate from his family life. His son is autistic, and it takes Harold and his wife all they can do to get through the day some times."

JJ was sympathetic. "How does he ever find time for this?"

Eloise eyed her. "Honey, the better question is, what could ever keep him from it?"

Mr. and Mrs. Prentiss decided to pass up 'coffee and', and headed for the parking lot. As they neared their SUV, Reid once again reached his arm around his 'wife'.

"You okay?"

JJ's natural inclination would have been to say, 'I'm fine', and put off any further conversation. But she was feeling a bit raw. And it was Spence asking her the question.

"Not really," she said, as she separated from him to walk to the other side of their vehicle. "It's just...there's so...much....sorrow. So much pain. It's so strange, but, in some ways, I feel worse for them than I do for the families of our usual victims. Because the families of our victims have a starting point. They can wake up one day, and start to heal. For these people...every day is the same sad, strenuous reminder that their lives have been overtaken by tragedy. Who can live like that?"

They'd both entered the vehicle by now. It had been enough time for Reid to reflect on the complexity of his best friend.

She's always so determined to look tough on the outside. But on the inside...she's as tender as they come. That's probably why I'm in love with her.

As soon as the thought passed through his mind, he froze. In love? No! No, it's why I love her. That's right. It's why I love her.

JJ picked up on his reaction, though she had no idea what had precipitated it.

"Spence? Are you all right?"