Chapter 14

Hold me now

I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking

Maybe six feet ain't so far down

Sad eyes follow me, but I still believe there's something left for me

So please come stay with me

"One last breath," Creed

Giles didn't stay for long after Faith escaped to Xander's shower to collect herself. There were several awkward exchanges between him and Xander as both men attempted to avoid each other's eyes, to avoid speaking the dark thoughts that Faith's words had set so heavily upon their minds. They didn't want to give voice to their worry for her, their guilt and concern over her, their shock at the intensity of what she had been experiencing so vividly night after night…something that even with their detailed knowledge of it, they could never truly know what it was like to experience. They were both sickened, both despairing and disturbed by what they had just heard, wishing to help even as neither wanted to think anymore about what had happened, what they now knew. Neither had known what to do or say to Faith… and now that she had left, they didn't know what to say or do for each other.

Less than five minutes passed before Giles decided to leave, thanking Xander for telling him to come over and assuring him that he would immediately get to work researching. As Xander had nodded, bidding him goodbye, the older man had stopped, turning to look him in the eye, and had spoken quietly but seriously, his grey eyes sincerely focused.

"Thank you for looking out for her, Xander…she needs those like you in her life. She is quite lucky to have you…as are we all."

With that rare compliment bringing a somewhat stunned flush to his cheeks, Xander had turned back to his apartment thinking over the entire morning's events. As was usual lately, he didn't know where he should go next, so he opted to dress and wait for Faith's emergence from the shower as to cues.

He was more glad than ever now that she was with him for the moment, that he could watch her, be there for her. However short a time it might last, it was growing more and more obvious to him that this wasn't just something she needed… it was something that Xander needed too. Now was not a good time to think about himself and Faith in any way other than separately, but Xander couldn't help but wonder- maybe even hope- that their relationship to each other was strengthening, or maybe had simply been stronger than they had realized all along. It was dangerous to think that way, for Faith was still so unpredictable in her decisions, emotions, and reactions. He knew he probably shouldn't get used to her being around, for she could take off at any moment. Even if she stayed for a while, until this whole dream mess was figured out, she would still have to leave eventually. But a part of him couldn't seem to help but let his mind wander in this direction, even now, even after what had just occurred.

And maybe that was why his mind was wandering, maybe it was showing some desperate bid for freedom from the terrible images Faith had burned into his memory, the memory he now had of the intense pain twisting her features, the anguish distorting her voice…

Faith didn't emerge from his bathroom until nearly an hour later. By then she appeared fully composed, if still somewhat tense and abrupt in her movements, and she wasted no time in heading for his front door. Her hair still damp, hanging down her back, clad only in Xander's very baggy t-shirt and sweatpants and her own boots in a simultaneously nearly laughable yet strangely sexy combination, she called out to him over her shoulder as she opened the door.

"Going out. Be back later."

Xander didn't like the extremely ambiguous sound of that, but he knew very well by this point that trying to stop her would be a lost cause. Instead he got up quickly, snagging his spare apartment key from a drawer in the coffee table. Calling her name, he tossed it to her when she turned her head.

"It's my spare key… if I'm out when you come back, or if I don't hear you knock, just let yourself in, okay?"

Faith paused, glancing up at him briefly, and Xander thought she knew the significance of what he was saying. He was telling her, in essence, that he trusted her. Trusted her with his key, trusted her to leave, trusted her to be able to take care of herself without him watching her every move and rescuing her from her own self… and most of all, that he trusted her word to him, trusted her to return. Giving her the key was no small thing, and the sudden seriousness in Faith's eyes told him that she knew this.

"Okay," she replied, nodding slowly. "Thanks."

She left then, and though Xander was still worried, he wasn't' overly so. She knew where to find him…she knew she was still wanted, still welcome, and he had her word. Now he had to have the faith, no pun intended, that this would be enough.

He decided to head over to the Slayers' headquarters to meet with some of the junior Slayers, to catch up on what he had missed over the past few days and to plan ahead for his work tomorrow, if all panned out. Xander checked in again with Willow and Dawn, called Giles to see if he had made any progress in his research- he had not yet- and checked into his apartment once to see if Faith had returned. She had not, and when he returned home for good in the early evening, she still was absent.

He tried not to worry, though admittedly this was a rather difficult prospect. By this point Xander was rather exhausted, between the events of today and the sleep deprived nights preceding it, and when he changed into sweats and a t-shirt rather similar to the ones Faith had borrowed and climbed into his bed to watch TV in his room, he soon drifted off to sleep.

He wasn't sure what time it was that he was awakened to the sound of someone opening and shutting his bedroom door a little loudly, but it felt to him as if it were several hours later. Though he was somewhat groggy and disoriented as he sat up, squinting into the darkness, Xander felt as if he were at least a little more rested than he had been before. At first he couldn't understand just what had awakened him until his eyes adjusted, and he saw the figure standing by the entrance to his room. He reached, still squinting, to turn on the lamp beside his bed, and he could finally see for sure that the person present in his room was Faith.

"Faith," he said, his voice raspy with sleep. "Hey…you okay?"

He couldn't think of any other reason that she would be standing in his bedroom, other than that she wasn't. Okay, well, he could, but he wasn't gonna go there now…

He sat up further, trying to focus on her more fully. She didn't seem drunk to him, or injured; she merely looked hesitant, almost shy…pensive was a word that came to his mind, sad, in a soft way that was very rare for her to show and for Xander to see. He frowned, becoming more alert as he looked her over. Was something wrong? Why else would she just be standing there… did she need something, had something happened?

When Faith didn't say something immediately, he repeated the question, pushing at his blanket and sheet as if in preparation to get up and go to her if it was needed.

"Faith, you okay? You-"

"Yeah," she said quickly, nodding, and for a split second before Faith replied a sudden, slightly stunned awareness had flitted across her features, as if she had mentally shaken herself out of a deep reverie. Her eyes darkened once more, and she nodded again, exhaling. "Yeah… five by five. Did I wake you up? Sorry…didn't think you'd be sleeping so early."

"It's okay," Xander told her, and he meant it. Now that she was back, he felt very much awake and aware. He wanted to know where she had been all day, what she'd been doing…he wanted to know /how/ she was doing. She seemed sober, if somewhat subdued, and because she was so uninjured from what he could see of her, this was a very encouraging sign.

He didn't ask her, not yet, however. He only said quietly, questioning more than stating, "You used the key I gave you to get in?"

She nodded, remaining standing in his doorway, in a manner that seemed both awkward and stiff, nearly painfully polite, as if she were reluctant to intrude over delicate boundaries, to put herself where she might be unwelcome… and also poignant, almost hopeful. Xander could not discern all of this simply by watching her, but he saw the confliction in her eyes even in the dim lighting and sensed that this moment held some meaning for her that he could not entirely understand. He nearly held his breath, waiting.

"Sorry I woke you," Faith repeated, and then said in a slightly lower tone, her eyes fixed on him seriously, "I told you I'd come back."

He r words hung there for several moments, conveying a deeper meaning that Xander sensed but could not fully interpret, still. But he knew one thing, as he looked back at Faith across the small distance of both room and hearts… he knew now that she trusted him, or was trusting him now, maybe for the first time. And something in her aura seemed to be asking for him to trust her too, for him to acknowledge that she could one day do enough, be enough, to earn it.

"I'm glad you did," Xander said simply yet sincerely, and his words too lingered in the silence that fell, almost solid before them… an extension of that trust, an offering.

When Faith continued to stand, still making no move to either leave the room or to come closer to him, Xander gestured towards her slightly, inclining his head towards the space beside him in his double bed.

"Faith…why don't you come sit down?"

When her eyes moved from the empty spot beside him to his face, suspicion beginning to spark in her gaze, Xander shook his head, holding up a hand against the thoughts he predicted she was probably having.

"Not like that, no hanky-panky business, promise. Just…it's a lot more comfortable to sit on a bed than to stand across the room from me if you want to talk or anything. And, well, if you don't want to talk, the TV's at a better angle from the bed too."

When Faith hesitated for a few moments longer, frowning, perhaps recalling the loss of hanky-panky control from earlier that day, Xander put on a teasing smile.

"We can put an imaginary line down the middle and keep to our own sides if you want. Look, seriously Faith, you don't have to, I don't want to push you into anything you don't want to do. If you want to go to sleep or whatever, you can have the couch again, or I can take it, and you can have my bed. I just thought if you didn't want to sleep yet, my bed's more comfortable to be on than standing up is, is all."

Another few moments passed, and then Faith wordlessly walked over to the empty side of Xander's bed, climbing onto it. At first she simply sat on it cross-legged, still somewhat awkwardly, almost stiffly. When Xander offered her one of his pillows, however, she gave in, leaning back against the headboard beside him, straightening her legs out in front of her, and pulling the blanket over her torso to cover her.

It was quiet between them for some time, and Xander used the opportunity to give himself fierce lectures about exactly what he could and couldn't do or think in the moment. This wasn't exactly an easy situation for him, however casual about it he had strived to seem to Faith. Yes, she was just sitting there…but she was sitting there, in his BED with him. Under the covers with him… wearing his shirt, his sweats… in only the light from his lamp…at night…just them. And they were close enough that if one of them moved even a little, their shoulders, arms, or legs brushed each other…

For Xander, however else he might try to play it off, and however much he might not want it to be, it was undeniably a sexy experience. To top it off with the fact that since Anya, he had not shared a bed with another woman even platonically, even once…he knew he better keep total control of himself and his thoughts if he wanted to keep her from realizing them, for something told him that Faith didn't want to think that he was having them, however beyond his control they might be.

Faith sighed, and it seemed to Xander that she had shifted herself just a little closer to him…yep, her shoulder wasn't just occasionally brushing his now, it was in full, total, and constant contact, pressed lightly against him. Xander slid his gaze to her, wanting to ask her again if she was okay, but the pensive crease in her brow, the far away look in her eyes, made him hesitate. Faith spoke up herself before he could say anything, her words slow, holding some embarrassment in their tone, but nevertheless cast out into the open.

"This…not used to this shit…never have been." She gestured vaguely with one hand, seeming with that ambiguous movement to encapsulate everything- their position beside each other, their words to each other, her return, everything that had occurred since Xander first came to her in her motel room. Though Xander wasn't sure if she was referring to anything specific or not, he got the gist of what she meant and nodded, finding himself very aware of her shoulder against his.

"That's okay," he told her quietly, but Faith shook her head, contradicting his words firmly, though not loudly or angrily.

"No…no, it's not, Xander… it's really kinda not. This isn't… none of this is supposed to be…"

She sighed again, her hand lifting in an almost helpless gesture before she let it fall again, shaking her head slowly. Xander felt her hair brush his face and held still, trying to ignore the quick thrill that the brief tickling sensation of it against his skin gave him.

"That's kinda the point of all this, isn't it," she said softly, her voice slightly huskier even than her usual contralto tone. "That none of this is anywhere on the map of okay."

"You've got a point there," Xander told her, and he let his gaze turn towards her slowly as he wondered whether he dared touch her more fully, to up the physical contact between them. He wondered if he should put his arm around Faith, or take her hand. She didn't seem actively upset right now, so much as wistful, maybe tired mentally, more so than physically. But maybe it was better to let her lead the way for now… he'd already asked her to sit with him on the bed. From this point, maybe closer contact, more personal displays of affection towards her, however platonically they might be intended, should be initiated by Faith, or given to her only if she asked for them.

And why was he thinking so hard and earnestly about this right now…why was his mouth suddenly a little dry, his heart beating just a little faster than normal?

"I hate this," Faith said suddenly, and Xander looked over at her again, paying closer attention. Her brows were drawn together slightly, her forehead wrinkling as she frowned, her features showing disturbance, even uneasiness and faint embarrassment more than anger. He couldn't help but notice that she was pressed even more closely against him now, her body tense…it wasn't just her shoulder against his now but also her hip, her leg, her arm, the warm solidness of her form close to his making him swallow subtly.

"All of this..everything. Living this, doing this, being this…I hate it," Faith continued softly, her voice dropping, her dark eyes staring before her, fixed on Xander's blank TV screen without really seeming to see it. "It's not me…not what I was, anyway. Not what I should be…not what I want to be."

Xander had no way to be sure what she meant. Whether she was referring to her drunken, promiscuous, self-destructive behavior of before, her multiple occasions of running from both her problems and the help that was offered to her to face them, the fact that she had problems or was grieving at all, or simply the fact that she was gradually opening up to him, gradually letting him see her vulnerability…he couldn't be sure which, if any, that Faith was talking about, and maybe she meant all of them at once. But regardless of the specifics of what she meant, he knew the correct response, clichéd as it might be, and he spoke it gently, hoping to soothe.

"Faith…it's okay. Whatever you feel, whatever you think or want…it's okay."

He expected a sarcastic response, expected her to laugh at him dryly, to refute his soft reassurance. Instead she sighed, shaking her head for the third time…and stunned him by suddenly settling herself more fully and deliberately against his side. She didn't hug him, didn't straddle him or attempt to climb into his lap, didn't kiss him or fondle him, or try to get him to do the same to her. She simply burrowed her herself against his side, reminiscent of a small child, seeking comfort from an adult's sheltering arm, and rested the side of her head against his shoulder. As she spoke again somewhat gruffly, the edginess of her tone belied her gestures, but was undercut with a slight shakiness that Xander heard despite her efforts.

"This isn't me, alright…so don't make a big thing out of it, okay. 'Cause it's not…it's not really me."

Still unsure what she was talking about, though he now suspected the fact that she was practically snuggling against him, seeking out the comfort of physical contact with him, might have at least a little something to do with it, Xander nodded, giving the only response he could think of again.

"I know…Faith, it's okay."

He wondered again briefly where she had been, what she'd been doing while she was gone that caused her to return in such a mood, but it didn't seem right to ask. It didn't seem right for him to talk at all, except in response to what she was saying to him. Slowly, carefully Xander wrapped an arm around Faith's shoulders, the one closest to her, having to adjust her against him in order to so do. When she didn't stiffen or comment, didn't try to pull away, but instead leaned more fully and comfortably into him, her head against his shoulder, he dared to wrap his other arm around her as well, holding her even more securely.

For some time neither spoke, simply sitting, as if afraid to somehow spoil what had just happened, to in some way break the physical and emotional closeness of the moment. When Faith began to talk, her voice was nearly a whisper, though she had not planned this; at the time, it seemed the only appropriate volume.