Its a safe bet to say that my curiosity is peaked. Gus would not lie to me about this kind of thing, and he doesn't strike me as a kind of guy who's delusional, either. A shame about that, because I always wanted a buddy who saw pink elephants in the everyday world. It would be much fun to mess with a guy like that! Though probably kinda a challenge too, because if pink elephants are normal for them, you'd have to come up with some really creative stuff to get them to freak out! Uh...I got off track again. What was I talking about?

Oh right! The bald tourist! Well, I don't see him again. I do some asking but no one else saw the fat, hairless man. So, whoever he was, he ONLY came to visit the Gravity Falls Costume Emporium and then blew the town. I'm flattered. Part of me wishes I had stopped him and asked him some questions while he was here but, overwhelming that, I'm relieved that he's gone. If he's really a warlock like Gus thinks he is, and he can teleport and out of Gravity Falls at will, he's far more powerful than me. I really don't need that kind of competition.

Toward the end of May, Gus and I are still putting some finishing touches on the store, mainly, a big sign that announces COSTUMES in big gold-ish letters on the angular roof. Despite our interaction with the bald tourist, we've decided to set our official opening day the day before Pioneer Day.

Gus told me all about it- basically a celebration of the town's birthday, but folks like to dress up in raccoon skins and Civil War regalia and pretend like it's the 1860s. A lot of Fallers will going through their closets, however Pioneer Day is a tourist event, too, and tourists usually don't come prepared to do some historical guising. Gus and I intend to reel in these saps.

I'm in the middle of floating above the work, checking the bird's eye view, back to the driveway. He tells me this is ridiculous- no one else is going to see the sign from up there. "And what about a low flying plane, huh? Someone who just happens to be flying above the trees here and sees our sign and thinks 'Jiminy Christmas, a costume, that's just what I need!'"

"How often do you expect that to happen, Billy?"

"It might!"

"Billy, someone's coming!"

"A plane? Ha, I told ya!" I say, pumping my arm in a victorious gesture.

"No, up the driveway!" He's pointing behind me, and I turn my head. The sound of a motor engine can be heard, and I can see glimpses of beige painted metal through the trees. Quickly as I can, I float to earth, just in time for the car to come around the corner. It's Mr. Northwest's Studebaker.

Gus and I exchange glances "Where you expecting him?" I ask. The driver parks the car. Northwest himself is not driving, but rather his chauffeur, Stanley. Also riding with Northwest and Stanley is their butler, Jesús. Jesús is a tall, muscular man with a thin mustache and eyes narrowed menacingly. All three men get out and approach my grounded self, Northwest leading.

"Fellas! What an unexpected surprise!" I greet them "I'da changed if I knew you were comin'," Gus and I are both in paint-splattered overalls. "Did you come to browse our fine wares? All 100% hand crafted by this guy," I saw, giving Gus a single-arm-hug. "Though I gotta put it in there as a disclaimer, we aren't officially open, yet."

Northwest is flashing that huge, fake smile that annoys me so. His teeth are too big. "Ah, yes, the two entrepreneurs!" He says, looking at the sign "Gold. That's an interesting color."

"It's eye catching." I inform him.

"Quite," Northwest says. "Well, I see you boys are coming along well with this little venture of yours. And I'm sure you have high hopes, but with today's business economy, you can never be too prepared."

I exchange glances with Gus. What is this guy talking about? "Are you making some kinda proposal?" I ask.

"A proposal?" He seems to consider the words "No, not quite. I'd rather like to make a donation- a little something to help your boys through those tumultuous first few months."

A donation? "What's the catch?" I ask right off the bat.

"The catch!" Northwest sounds insulted "Now, now- can't a local man of wealth take an honest interest in a fledgling business? I've been watching you, Mr. Cipher," something about the way he says that kind of gives me pause, but he goes on "you are an intelligent young man. Creative. Energetic. And you are well on your way to making a name for yourself in this town. I just want to make an investment in your future, Mr. Cipher."

An annoyed smirk comes to my face "First of all, it's not just my future. It's Gus's too. He's just as much a part of this as I am."

For the first time since he arrived, Mr. Northwest looks Gus in the eye "Of course, the Gleeful boy I-"

"Second," I go on, stepping closer to him "the catch. There is always a catch. If you please."

Northwest's mouth becomes a hard, straight line "Always the shrewd businessman. A shame you went into show business, Mr. Cipher, for I do believe politics is your true calling."

"Flattered, Mr. Northwest. The catch?"

"My daughter America is coming home in a few days," Mr. Northwest says "break off your affair with her and I'll make an investment into yours and Mr. Gleeful's business."

Of course that's what it is. If I was an impulsive man, I'd tell him to go suck a lemon. Instead I ask "What kind of investment?"

"Why don't you tell me what you need, Mr. Cipher."

I give the chateau a discerning eye "What do you think, Gus?"

Gus is staring at me like he can't believe I would accept the offer. "Well?" I prod.

Gus clears his throat "Well I'll need a lot of fabric to begin with. I don't think mothers will be willing to buy me theirs anymore if I'm making a profit."

"So, will 500 dollars for fabrics be adequate?" Mr. Northwest asks.

"And the kid needs a new sewing machine," I put in, "an electric one." I gesture to Gus "Poor kid's foot is going to fall off if he keeps using that pedal."

"$500 and the best sewing machine on the market."

"And don't forget insurance."

"I won't," Mr. Northwest says, calculating in his head.

"And what about indoor plumbing?" I ask.

"Plumbing?"

"Yeah," I sidle up to him "alright, Mr. Northwe- actually, yanno what? Can I call you Parsifal? Parsifal, I know most Fallers out here are used to running out to the privy and don't think a thing of it, but you and I are used to a higher quality than that! The Chateau needs indoor plumbing- if you know what I mean."

Mr. Northwest is blushing, but he says "Twelve hundred dollars, and the finest sewing machine on the market."

"And central heat."

"What?"

"Come on, Parsifal, I'm looking ahead, here! My customer are not gonna want to change in freezing changing rooms in the middle ah winter! And quite frankly, I think that if I spent one more Gravity Falls winter freezing my butt off I'm going to kill someone!"

"Alright, alright!" Mr. Northwest pulls a thin book out of his back pocket and writes furiously with a pen. He pulls a piece of paper out of the book and hands it do me. "A two-thousand dollar deposit, Mr. Cipher, a very generous investment into your future, and adequate payment for what you're going to do for my welfare."

Smiling blankly, I take the check. The symbol of the Gravity Falls Bank (a stately looking woodpecker perched on top of a faux-roman building looking out contemplatively into the distance) is on the side. "And the sewing machine?"

"I shall order it to be delivered post haste."

I continue to stare blankly at the check. Then, smile still on my face, I rip it in half.

"Mr. Cipher! What is the meaning of this!?"

I put the two pieces on top of each other and rip them again "This is what I think about this deal, Parsifal."

His face goes plum "Why I never- such disrespect!"

I rip the check again, the other way, then open my palm and, with one breath, blow them out into the wind. "And you disrespect me by thinking you can bribe me!"

His hands clench "Now, I'll say it right now and this is the only time: Stay away from America if you know what's good for you!" Jesús is standing behind Northwest, his eyes narrowed, the tendons in his neck moving as he clenches and unclenches his jaw. I'm not afraid of him.

"Or what?"

Northwest laughs. "It's not only capitol that I possess. In fact, I dare say my money is my least valuable asset. What I have is clout. Was it correct that I heard you boys wish to open this little enterprise right before our town's Pioneer Day celebration?"

I nod, and so does Gus, but I keep an eye on Northwest.

"Well, who do you think invented that holiday celebrating my grandfather?"

"So you're going to tell people not to come here?" Gus puts in, concerned.

"I'll do no such thing!" Northwest exclaims "I'll simply casually pass on some of my observations from my visit here. For instance, the roof leaks."

"It does not!" I shout.

"Well," Mr. Northwest inspects his nails "my opinion is not professional, but it is what I observed, and people listen to me."

I pace in front of him, inwardly steaming, and trying not to let my flames show to Jesús and Stanley. Then I realize something, tip my head back, and laugh. "That's just great, Parsifal," I know he hates me using his first name "but tell me: where else are people gonna go?"

Out of defiance, but also out of a genuine desire to see her, I go over to Gus's old place house to meet Ricky when she arrives home from school. I even have a bouquet of wild flowers in my hand, bound by some wax paper and a rubber band. So when Ricky pulls into her driveway, I swagger up to her and present them to her. Jesús is standing on the porch, his beefy arms crossed threateningly. Ricky looks between me and the flowers like I've lost my mind.

"Um, Hi, Billy. What are the flowers for?" She knows me. She knows I think flowers are stupid.

I smirk "To make your dad mad." I nod to an upper window, where a silhouette can be seen inside.

Ricky adjusts her hair and pretends not to look. "Is he seriously still-?"

I roll my eyes "Oh Ricky- you don't wanna know!"

She takes the flowers and kisses me- on the lips. "There. That otta do it." She grins "He'll probably rage at me to no end but," she smirks "kind of wanted to do that. I was missing your lips, up in Portland."

"Me too!" I declare, then "I mean, ughh..."

She laughs, but even as she does so, Jesús is approaching "I'll see you around." She whispers, and we split. Somehow I know summer is going to be complicated. I wonder if, perhaps, reclining Northwest's offer may have been a better idea than deliberately antagonizing him.

…Nah!

I have purchased an ad in the Gravity Falls Gossiper concerning our store. It will run through opening week, and it will be a whole quarter page ad on opening day, to go down to a eighth page ad for the rest of the week. That morning, I do something that is so out of character and wake up at five and go on down to grocery store to purchase a newspaper. Grinning like a goon, I'm walking back down the road, flipping to the ad section. I see our ad- with big, eye catching letters. But I see something else first.

"Gravity Falls Costume Mart?"

There is a full page ad on the page opposite, with illustrations, large marquee letters and prices that put mine and Gus's to shame. My eyelid twitches. What is this place? I cut through between the buildings, over to Main Street, then proceed over to number thirteen. Not that I have to look around a lot to find it. There's a big blue GRAND OPENING banner over the door, as well as a line leading to said door.

I approach the building slowly. How come I never heard of this? Before I can reach it, a white/blond dart almost bowls into my in the street. I dodge Gus at the last minute.

"Billy! Did you see?!"

"I'm looking at it right now, Gus."

"What does this mean?"

I narrow my eyes and gaze at the place across the street. There is a kind of festive mood among those in line and there's a sign in the door advertising prices I wouldn't be able to get away with. I clench my jaw. It's almost as if this place popped up on this day just to be a thorn in my side. "It means competition, Gus."

"Ho-ho, boys!" We're both started by the cheery greeting- probably because the two of us are anything but cheery at the moment. I thrust my hands in my pockets as Mr. Northwest approaches. Of course. Of course he had something to do with this.

"Come to take a look at my new enterprise?" He says, sweeping his arm at the Gravity Falls Costume Mart.

"This is your place?!" Gus exclaims; clearly the kid didn't catch on as quickly as I have.

"Oh yes," Northwest states, catches my eye, and smiles, kind of mischievously "I saw what you were doing down Cemetery Lane and it gave me some ideas of my own. I mean, no offence Mr. Cipher, but to truly capture the spirit of this town's past takes the native touch. Don't you agree?"

I grin "That's why I've got Gus!"

"Yes, of course, Mr. Gleeful," Northwest's smile widens. I dislike it. I also feel bad for the kid. I'm fairly good at keeping my poker face, but Gus's face might was well be clear glass. It's all twisted up with anger and I think the kid might be about to shed a tear.

Gus says "Where are you getting the clothes?"

"From a factory in Portland, of course."

"You mean, a sweatshop," Gus scoffs "with those prices." He says, gesturing.

Mr. Northwest looks shocked "Why, how can you say such a thing! The Portland girls thoroughly love their jobs." He then shrugs "But that doesn't mean I don't desire a more local touch. You are a very talented man, Mr. Gleeful. If you are ever in need of a job, come see me."

He saunters back toward the store. Ironically, it's me who suddenly lacks a poker face. "Did that rich creep just insinuate what I though he insinuated?!" I hiss through my teeth as tiny red flames sneak out from between my knuckles.

Gus pushes me up the street "Don't worry, Billy. I am never going to go to work for that guy!"

"Ok, here's the plan. I go over there and torch the place!"

We're in our store. I'm at the counter, leaning chair, no chair legs on the ground, human legs up on the counter, arm draped behind me. Gus is sitting on a chair on the other side of the room, nervous. He goes to the window every once in a while and looks out, each time, no doubt, hoping to see someone there, and each time, sighing and going back to his seat, disappointed. But he doesn't this time. This time he says, loudly and sternly, the way one may speak to a dog "Billy, No!"

"Come'on, Gus. It won't take a minute." I summon a little blue flame in my hand. Watching the little flame dance and imagine it burning that smug smile off Northwest's face at least lightens my mood a little.

Gus sighs "Billy, when he finds out the Gravity Falls Costume Mart has been torched, who do you think is the first person he'll suspect?"

I know the answer, but I'm coy about it "Uh, Thoreau Poolcheck!"

Gus crosses his arms and tilts his head "How about the guy who he knows can shoot blue fire out of his hands?"

I allow the flame to dance on my fingers- jumping from one fingertip to the next "I can't imagine who you're talking about, Gus." Then I cross my arms- okay, time to get down to business "Right. We just need to make sure I'm not a suspect. What if he thinks I'm somewhere else at the time? Now how can I convince of that?" I say, thinking out loud "Maybe if he's with me. Oh! That's it!" I grin evilly at Gus "I'll take Northwest somewhere, and you'll torch the place!"

"Billy! I said no!"

"Gus, I'm being serious!"

"Me too, Billy!"

"Seriously?"

Gus answers with a pained sigh.

"Gus," I retort "Northwest deserves it! He's a major pill!"

"I know he is, Billy, but you don't solve your problems by burning things down." He says evenly.

I groan and lean back further in the seat "Says who?"

"Says just about everyone!" I open my mouth, but he retorts "Oh, no, no, no, Billy, I mean it! Everyone. Police, lawyers, philosophers, teachers, the milkman: everyone agrees that it's not a good idea to burn down other people's property."

I slump in my chair, my arms hanging to the sides as if they're on strings, and the chair comes to earth. "Fine. Arson's out of the question." I adjust the way my hat sits on my head. "I guess we could...yanno, steal all the newspapers and throw away the page with his ad on it."

"Or paint his car some garish color...that's an oldie-but-a-goodie."

"Pink!" I pipe up.

"Not yellow?" Gus asks, amused.

I scoff "His car's already beige. That's kinda yellow. The geezer probably wouldn't notice the difference anyway."

And so we pass the rest of the day coming up with more and more fantastic methods to get revenge on Parsifal Northwest. Some of those Gus come up with are really good, and I take mental note of them. Not a single customer comes through the door. Not. A. Single. One. Gus and I decide to stay open another hour, in hopes of snagging some poor sap who got to the Gravity Falls Costume Mart too late. No luck.

We close up. We'll try again tomorrow. At least the next day, we get to dress up. I know other people don't take this as seriously as I, but I missed the prime Halloween years by not knowing about guising, so I take advantage of Pioneer Day. I get my hair all parted and everything and dress up as Representative Preston Brooks.

("Who?" Gus had asked me the first time I told him about my costume, a week earlier.

I rolled my eyes "Come on, Gus, know I know you're pulling my leg!"

Gus just looked at me guilelessly and waited for me to explain.

"Representative from South Carolina? Caned a senator because he made fun of his uncle's wife?"

"Never heard of him."

"How can you not know who Preston Brooks is!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands to the ceiling.

"So uh, is this guy a hero of yours?" He asked, cautiously changing the subject.

"N-ope! Too mood-swingy!" I said with a happy grin.

"Oh yeah. Mood-swingy's nothing like you, Billy!" Gus prodded. I blinked, then realized that he was right. I chuckled at my self. "Okay, okay. But the real reason I'm going with this costume is because I get to carry this swell cane around and threaten people with it!"

Gus snorted "Glad to see you have your priorities in order, Billy!")

And Gus is dressed as a Union soldier. The Chateau already looks pretty rustic, but we've given it a few touches here and there, like a goat on the roof. Okay, actually Gompers just climbed up there himself. Dunno how he managed to get up there, or how he's planning to get down...

Gus sighs as he looks out the window one more time "I suppose coalmining isn't that bad," he sighs.

I jump out of my seat all of a sudden, and Gus raises an eyebrow. "You're not gonna be a miner," I shout "And you're working for Northwest either! Gus, what the heck are we doing here feeling sorry for ourselves? We outta do it the way the pioneers did it!" I run into the main part of the house, then to the attic where I have this bachelor's canteen set up, with a stove, a bucket for water, and this odd assortment of non-matching dishes. I grab a frying pan with a handle. As I'm running down the stairs, Gus is in the middle of the hall with a question on his face.

"I'm gonna go drum up some business!" I say, cracking the end of the brooks cane against the pan.

There's one rule when it comes to Pioneer Day: Do everything in character. Take a horse and wagon out instead of the car(not hard for most folks!). Radio? What's radio? Use old-timey words.

I've run all the way from the chateau over to the square in front of the church where Northwest has been trying to get that statue of his grandfather erected. Into a crowd of people who are milling around in old-timey garb. I immediately start banging my pan and cane together. The cane is really just this simple wooden thing, with a curved end, and painted black, but it does make a jarring clashing sound. "Hear ye, Hear ye! Come one, come all, to the Gravity Falls Costume Emporium!" I make a dramatic gesture to point behind me with the cane "Right off west Gopher Road!"

The people mill around and chuckle, amused. I go on "Tired of moth-eaten, itchy, ill fitting clothes? Tired of being swindled by the big man?" I say, with a wink in the direction 13 Main Street. "Then come on over to Gravity Falls Costume Emporium for all your pioneer duds!"

"That's him!" Someone exclaims- a lady faller in a pink dress standing next to a message board hastily nailed together out of split logs. "It's Billy the Pig Thief!" The others reply with gasps, and she goes on "No, really!" He removes one of the documents from the board and waves it above her head "Look!"

Some other costumed Fallers crowd around her to look at the document. "Billy the what?" I'm at least curious. I stroll over and grab the piece of paper from her.

WANTED

FOR AGGRAVATED THEFT OF SWINE

BILLY THE PIG THIEF

Under this there are two pencils sketches of yours truly- from the front and from the side. They aren't bad likenesses, but "Is my beard really that scraggly?" I ask, self consciously feeling it with my fingers.

"Get him! Before he takes our pigs!" A man shouts, and suddenly the whole group of people are closing in on me.

"What?" I question, and at the last minute notice the reward printed at the bottom of the page. "Five hundred dollars?"

The crowd is nearing in on me "Okay guys, haha, funny joke," I say "but really- I'm no thief!"

Hand clamp around me "Save it for the judge!" The first woman says dramatically. I'm lead across the square to the sheriff's office. I could get away, probably, but I know this is all part of the game. For some reason, some fella went through the trouble of printing that pioneer era poster and putting my face on it. Well, if they want to pretend I steal pigs as part of their little celebration, let them. What are they going to do, put me in ye stocks? Probably force me to be some kind of impromptu performance, more like!

I think this until Sheriff Blubs forces me into a contraption and throws a heavy board over my neck and hands. "What?" I exclaim for the second time that hour. I don't have many words for this madness. Struggling does not free me- I'm trapped. I glare up at Sheriff Blubs. "Ok, pal, funny joke. You can let me out, now!"

"You think pig thievery is a joke?" Blubs says severely, and winks at me before walking off.

"No-no-no- wait!" I exclaim "Come back here and let me out!" I demand.

"You can protest all you want, Pig Thief, but a crime's a crime!" Blubs strolls out of my view and I grind my teeth. This situation is getting more insane every second. Whatever. I'll just have to get out of this myself. I'm sure Sheriff Blubs didn't want his stage prop burnt to a charred mess, but I didn't want to be locked up like this, so I'll make us even. I just have to make sure no one is watching...

The town square sure is full of a lotta people. A lotta people with their eyes on me, who point and laugh at the guy in the stocks. "Dontcha folks have some donkeys to ride or something?" I sneer.

But the people have no interest in leaving. I'm not doing any tricks, but I'm still the afternoon's entertainment. How lucky for me. But the fact that I can't get them to leave or even look away means that I really am imprisoned. Unless, of course, I want to also star in an authentic 1863 witch hunt and subsequent drowning. And I don't.

"Spoiled tomatoes!" A kid is shouting from the other side of the square. He has robust red hair and I wonder if he doesn't have some Corduroy genes. "Buy your spoiled tomatoes here!"

It's a weird pitch and, weirder still, the fallers gather around the boy to buy his wares. But it all makes sense when the townspeople turn around, tomatoes in hand, evil smiles on their faces, looking at me.

"Oh no," I say "no! No-no-no-NO-NO!"

I try to put my hands in front of my face to shield it from the onslaught of overripe fruits, but the way that they're bound makes this impossible.