Uncanny X-Men

Chapter 14: Full House

By

The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- All familiar characters belong to Marvel.

Quote of the day- 'Come, son of Jor-El. Kneel before Zod!'

The Xavier Institute For Higher Learning-

The Xavier Institute was a hive of activity. It was time for the monthly poker game between the X-Men, the Avengers, and the Fantastic Four. Other heroes were more than welcome to join in.

Usually, Logan was in charge whenever is was down to the X-Men to hold the big game, but he had buggered off on one of his mysterious journeys again. It was now down to Hank McCoy to organise everything. Luckily, Hank had his good friend Bobby Drake on hand to help.

Hank looked at the clipboard he was holding in his furry paw.

'Now, let us run through the seating arrangements again...' Hank started to read from the clipboard as he readjusted his glasses. 'Sam is sitting beside Captain America. Sean is sitting beside Luke Cage. Moira is sitting beside Spider-Man. Rahne is sitting beside Squirrel Girl...'

'Are you sure that's such a good idea?' Bobby smirked. 'You know how much dogs like to chase small furry creatures.'

'I am sure that Ms Sinclair has a little more control over her lupine side, my friend.' Hank stated. 'However, I will seat her in-between She-Hulk and Ben Grimm just in case.'

'How are we doing for nibbles?' Bobby asked. 'Cuz last time we ended up running out of chips. Everything almost degenerated into a riot.'

'Yes, I remember it well...' Hank shook his head as he remembered the carnage of the last poker game which was held at the Baxter Building. 'But then again, that may have been down to Lyja and her cravings.'

'I'll go check the kitchen to make sure that we've got enough.' Bobby suggested. 'Better safe than sorry, right?'

'Indeed.' Hank nodded. 'And make sure that we have some diet soda for Cap. We don't want him getting drunk again.'

'That was Logan's fault.' Bobby pointed out. 'He spiked Cap's drink.'

Hank looked at his friend with a sceptical frown.

'I'm sure he did, Robert. Just as sure as I am of the fact that you had nothing to do with sabotaging Nick Fury's cigars.'

Bobby held up his hands in defence.

'Hey! That isn't fair! Why do I always get the blame whenever somebody gets a prank played on them?'

'Because you are usually the culprit.' Hank reminded the ice-making mutant. 'I am telling you, Robert, you should be careful who you play pranks on nowadays. You are lucky that Mystique didn't turn you into an ice sculpture.'

Bobby just waved off his friend's warnings.

'Oh, you worry too much, Blue. Mystique wouldn't ever do anything like that to me. She wants me too bad.'

'You do realise that Mystique is in a relationship already, don't you?' Hank sighed. 'With another woman.'

'Get out!' Bobby laughed. 'Mystique liking women too? No way!'

Hank frowned at his friend.

'Have you been taking stupid pills again?'

'But they're so tasty.' Bobby sulked. 'Why do the bad things taste so good?'

'Robert, there are no such things as stupid pills.' Hank sighed.

'Then what have I been taking?' Bobby blinked in confusion.

'Jeanne-Marie's pills for her... women's trouble.' Hank responded.

Bobby's complexion started to go pale.

'I don't feel so good...'

Hank couldn't help but laugh as he saw his friend run off in the direction of the nearest bathroom.

'Should I tell him that he was only taking Tic-Tacs?' Hank chuckled as he fished out a packet of the small minty things. 'No, perhaps not. I think it would be most amusing to see how he copes with the news...'

Later-

Finally, the guests had arrived. Everybody was gathered around a table in the rec room. The rest of the furniture had been moved to the side so that everybody could fit around the card table. They were presently deciding who would be the dealer first. They were deciding this by First Jack Out. Whoever ended up being dealt the first jack out of the pack, would take on the role of the dealer.

First up was Captain America.

'Two of Spades.' Hank announced.

Then it was Sam.

'Queen of Hearts.'

'Aww, bad luck, Guthrie.' Ben Grimm smirked. 'How are ya gonna cheat now that ya ain't the dealer?'

'Ah cannot deny or confirm those charges.' Sam sniffed. 'Y'all are just bad losers.'

Next up was Sean.

'Jack of Diamonds.'

That meant that Sean was the dealer for the first round.

'Get ready, lads an' lasses.' The Irish mutant grinned as he gathered up the cards and shuffled them. 'What do ye say that we make this game a little more exciting?'

'Whoever loses first has to run around the mansion naked!' Wade exclaimed.

'In your dreams, 'Pool.' She-Hulk shot the former Merc-With-A-Mouth a deadly glare.

'And what would happen if one of the lads ended up gettin' naked?' Moira asked.

'Verily.' Thor nodded in agreement. 'Mine eyes doth not need to see Ben Grimm's naked buttocks.'

'Oh yeah, thanks fer the support, Feather-Head.' Ben sniffed. 'Can we get this flamin' game started already?'

'Why are ye so anxious to get the game started, Ben?' Rahne smirked. 'D'ye really wantae lose that badly?'

'You just wait and see, kid.' Ben retorted. 'Then we'll see who ends up losin'...'

'Dude, this is the URM-Verse.' Wade pointed out. 'There are only three of us here that have any chance of winning this game. It's either gonna be me, Rahne, or Squirrel Girl.'

'Oh, gosh.' Squirrel Girl blushed. 'Do you really think so? I mean... I'm not an expert or anything...'

'Oh, trust me...' Wade grinned. 'We three are the writer's favourite characters. We can win anything! Hell, I bet that if we joined forces, we'd make Galactus pee his pants!'

'Wade, you're so full of crap.' Bobby laughed. 'You couldn't take on Galactus on your own.'

'I'm not the one that took Aurora's lady pills.' Wade shot back.

Bobby turned to Sean with an impatient glare.

'Just deal the damn cards, will you?'

Later still-

The poker game had been a vicious one. Practically everybody had dropped out of the game. Just was Wade predicted, Squirrel Girl was one of the only two people left. The poor unfortunate left to play against her was Rahne.

'Hey, I've got a crazy idea...' Wade snapped his fingers in realisation. 'Instead of playing poker, why don't Rahne and SG face off in a mud wrestling match? We could sell tickets! We'd make millions!'

'Wade, you are a pig.' Moira shot him a glare.

'It's what the fans want, Moira.' Wade pointed out. 'Well, by fans I mean the three people that ever read this story...'

'Sweet Christmas!' Luke Cage exclaimed. 'Don't you ever shut up?'

'Never.' Wade retorted. 'I am the URM-Verse's version of the regular comic-verse's Wolverine. Except I'm not overrated and sucky.'

'By my father's beard!' Thor held his head in his hands. 'Can you not just let yon maidens play in peace?'

'Fine.' Wade sighed heavily. 'But I know what the fans want. Well, I know what the writer tells the fans what to like...'

Rahne and Squirrel Girl weren't paying attention to the former merc's comments (as if his words were worth paying any attention to anyway), they were too busy concentrating on the game. Whoever won this last round went home the victor.

'I see yuir ten bucks and raise ye another ten.'

Squirrel Girl looked at her cards.

'Art thou sure that thou doth wish to continue?' Thor asked. 'Thou art in danger of losing all thine money.'

'Don't worry, Thor.' Squirrel Girl reassured the Asgardian god of thunder. 'I've got her right where I want her...'

Squirrel Girl looked back at Rahne, her expression unreadable.

'Okay, show me.'

Rahne put down her cards. She had four tens.

'Two pair.'

A huge smile spread across Squirrel Girl's face as she slowly put her cards down on the table.

'Royal Flush!'

A gasp of surprise rose from the rest of the players.

'Cheater! Cheater!' Bobby booed. 'Squirrel Girl is nothing but a dirty cheater!'

'Oh, shut up, Bobby.' Hank tutted. 'Squirrel Girl won fair and square. I hope.'

Squirrel Girl scooped up her winnings in her hands. grinning triumphantly.

'See, what did I tell you?' Wade smirked as he turned to the others. 'In the URM-Verse, only Squirrel Girl has the power to beat us all at poker!'

'Wade...?' Rahne growled.

'Yes?' Wade smiled sweetly at the Scottish werewolf.

'Shut yuir bloody hole!'

TBC...

Next: Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside

The X-Men go to the beach. Sun, sea, and sand in your butt crack!