Shuddup Hill 4: The Retard Version
Chapter 14: Jester the Stutter
Henri screamed like crazy when he saw what was in his hand. It was Jester's charred head.
He immediately threw Jester's charred head away. "Eewww… Gross…" He thought.
"W-what the hell was that, Henri?" Elyne asked.
"Its Jester." Henri replied.
"Jester? You mean… like The Court Jester?" Elyne asked.
"Wha-? No. Its Jester the Stutter." He said. "HEY! It rhymes! Jester the Stutter… get it? Wahahahahaha…" Henri broke into an uncontrollable laughter.
Elyne sweatdrop.
"S-shut up, H-henri…" Jester shouted.
Henri stopped laughing and looked at Elyne.
"Did you just talk to me, bitch?" Henri asked.
Elyne shook at her head.
"I-its m-me, you a-assface!" Jester said.
The two of them then looked down at he grass area next to them. To their horror, they saw the charred head staring at them.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The duo screamed.
(Meanwhile…)
"Ow…" The Teletubby moaned, as he slowly opened his eyes. "What the fuck happened?" The purple freak thought.
"Hey, Tee-Wee baby… you alright?" A voice asked. "OH MY GOD! YOUR NOSE IS BLEEDING LIKE FUCK!"
Tinky Winky slowly brought himself up from the ground and looked over at the direction to the voice. A groggy vision of a colorful-looking person soon came to his view. It was Wolter, the fruitcake. "Stop calling me baby, you prick!" The purple gay creature asked, rubbing at his eyes. "Oh god! My face hurts like shit!" Tinky Winky groaned.
"What happened?" Wolter asked.
"Henri… slammed the door at my face…" Tinky Winky fumed. "That bastard!"
"OH MY GOD! TEE-WEE BABY, YOUR NOSE!" Wolter suddenly shouted.
"What? What about my nose?" Tinky Winky asked. "What? What? WHAT? Tell me, dammit!" Tinky Winky demanded.
"Its SO not pretty… I mean with all the blood and all…" Wolter whined like a girl, as he played around at the ribbon on his hair.
The Teletubby sweatdrop.
"Its ALIVE!" Henri screamed, as he jumped onto Elyne.
"Henri… get off of me…" Elyne cried, struggling to break free from his clutches.
Henri shook his head and whined like a puppy, as he wrapped himself tightly around Elyne's body.
"Look, Henri… its just a fucking head. Its not going to chase after you or something…" Elyne said, as she struggled to keep herself balanced. "… so get the fuck off me, you swine."
Henri reluctantly loosened his grip and let go of her.
"H-hey, H-henri… c-come over a-and pick m-me up, w-will y-you?" Jester stammered.
"GAH! NO!" Henri screamed, and he ran behind Elyne.
Elyne sweatdrop.
"What the fuck do you think you are doing, Henri?" Elyne asked, rolling her eyes over.
"Uh… nothing, Elyne…" Henri replied.
"Then hurry up over and pick that freaky head already." She said.
"WHAT? Pick up that freaky head?" Henri shouted.
"Y-yeah, p-pick me u-up a-already… H-henri…" Jester cried.
"Shut up, you egghead!" Elyne scolded.
Jester looked hurt.
"But, what the fuck are we going to do with Jester's head?" He asked.
"We could sell it to the freak circus later…" Elyne hushed softly at Henri's ear, trying to make sure that Jester doesn't hear her.
"B-but… b-" Henri mumbled.
Elyne shot him an angry stare.
Henri fell silent. There was something about Elyne's glare that made him felt like peeing in his pants. He then reluctantly inched himself forward and picked up the disgusting head by its hair. "Eewwww… Elyne, it feels cold and clammy… what shall we do with it?"
"Here… you can put it inside my handbag." She replied, opening the purple bag.
Henri immediately threw the head inside her handbag. "Gross… gross… gross…" He thought, as he wiped his hands at his pants.
"T-thank y-you… t-thank you… t-thank y-you… t-thank you… t-thank y-you… t-thank you… t-thank y-you…" The head moaned.
"Shut up, you egghead!" Elyne shouted at the head in the bag.
Silent.
(Five seconds later…)
"S-say, h-have y-you guys g-got any c-chocolate m-milk by a-any c-chance?" Jester asked, from inside the handbag. "I-I'm t-thirsty… r-really t-thirsty… thirsty… v-very t-thirsty…"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Both Henri and Elyne screamed.
(Moments later…)
The two of them walked along the northern passage and into a Tool Room of some sort, where he managed to pick up a Pick Axe of Happiness and a weird-looking Teletubby Crested Plate from a naked Teletubby statue by the lake.
"Henri, look… its that kid… I mean, midget." Elyne said, pointing to the back of the statue.
"W-what m-midget?" Jester mumbled from inside the handbag. "L-let me s-see… l-let m-me see…"
"Shut up, Jester! Speak only when you are spoken to…" Elyne scolded, as she slammed the handbag against the rock next to her.
"O-ouch… o-ouch…" Jester cried, in pain.
Henri turned towards the direction where Elyne had pointed.
"Hey, you… you are Wolter Salivaman, right?" Henri asked.
"Yeah, that's what everybody calls me… but I don't really have a name..." The Wolter midget replied, somehow in a girl-like arrogant manner.
"I don't have a name…" Henri repeated, imitating the girly way that Wolter midget spoke. "So, are you trying to mysterious, or what?"
Wolter sweatdrop.
"Well, what about a mom or dad?" Henri joked. "Oh, I forgot, you are a fucking clone… you don't have any parents… ha-ha!"
"Are you trying to be sarcastic?" Wolter scowled.
Henri giggled like a retard while Elyne shook at her head disapprovingly.
"For your information, my daddy is a Test Tube while my mommy is Room 302…" The Wolter midget said, proudly. "… at least, that's what I was told."
"M-my mommy was a-an egghead… t-that's w-why I l-looked like a-an egghead t-too…" Jester muttered.
"Did that bag just talked?" Wolter asked, pointing at the purple handbag.
"Uh, no." Elyne said.
"I could have sworn I heard the bag said something just now…" Wolter continued.
"You heard wrongly." Elyne assured him. "Right, Henri?"
"Uh, yes." Henri replied, looking nervous.
"Yeah, how could a SILLY . BAG . TALK?" Elyne shouted, as she slammed the handbag continuously at a nearby rock.
"O-ouch… o-ouch… o-ouch…" Jester cried.
Henri and Wolter shuddered.
(After five minutes of slamming the bag…)
"So, where were we?" Elyne asked.
"Um… my mommy." The Wolter midget replied.
"Oh right… our Little Miss Room 302." Elyne said in sarcasm, as he rolled his eyes over.
"Yeah… my mommy likes to sleep all day long…" The Wolter midget said, looking at Henri with innocent eyes. "… and she snores real loud!"
"Henri, I think that there's something wrong with that Wolter midget…" Elyne hissed, pulling him by the sleeves. "I think he's somewhat gone cuckoo in the brain department…"
"Yeah… and I think he's seriously deluded too." Henri whispered to Elyne.
"… and according to the Konami Official Website, it says that I'll be with my mommy dearest soon." Wolter continued, obviously unaware of what both Henri and Elyne had badmouthed about him behind his back.
Henri sweatdrop.
"Ooh… I gotta run… my mommy's cooking breakfast for me." Wolter said, running away from the two adults.
"What the-?" Henri gasped.
(Later…)
Henri and Elyne had walked into the compound of the House of Dorks.
"Meh! This place looked like shit!" Henri commented, looking at the remains of what was left of the bloody dorky house. "This was all that stupid Jester's fault… for playing with fire!" Henri said.
"H-henri… I-I'm here… a-and I c-can h-hear you…" Jester mumbled from inside Elyne's handbag.
"NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT!" Elyne scolded. "Wait a minute! Henri… do you smell something?" Elyne asked, sniffing around the place.
"Huh? What smell?" He asked, taking a deep breath. "BLETCH! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL?" He said, cringing at the disgusting pungent around them.
The two of them continued to sniff around as they followed the putrid smell until they had finally managed to identify the source of that deadly pungent.
It was coming from Elyne's handbag.
"GAH!" Elyne screamed, obviously grossed out with the smelly handbag in her hand.
"WHY YOU FUCKING SMELLY HEAD!" Henri shouted, as he snatched the handbag from Elyne's hand and opened it up, only to find Jester's head smiling like a complete idiot at them.
"H-hi!" Jester beamed.
"We've got to dispose off the fucking head inside." Henri proposed.
"Right! We should dispose away this friggin' irritating head before he starts to dirty my handbag…" Elyne agreed.
"Well, you are probably right, Elyne." Henri said, looking around the place for a dumping ground to dispose off the head. "Hmmm… how about… um… there!" He said, pointing to the now empty charred space, where the House of Dorks once stood, in front of them.
They walked up a plank joining to the middle of the burn-down house, where a badly charred wheelchair, with a sexy headless female mannequin body, stood gloriously on the wooden platform.
"Wow, look at all the rubbish here…" Elyne said, referring to the blackened wheelchair and mannequin. "Let's just dump the head here…"
"Wait… there seemed to be a piece of paper on the mannequin…" Henri said, picking up the paper.
"Though I'm a headless prick,
I am not stupid enough to let you pass here…
unless you give me a head.
No, I'm not talking about a dickhead, you dumbshit…
I needed a head. A real head with eyes, nose, and mouth, dammit!
To prepare for the Provider of Dumbness.
Hurry up, and go find me a head from inside the wetness.
When my body is once again whole, the path to below will be opened.
But of course, since you are the Provider of Dumbness,
you will definitely NOT understand my words.
HA! The believer of stupidity.
Anyway, just do as you are told…"
"What the fuck is this all about? And who the fuck is this Provider of Dumbness, anyway?" Henri groaned, as he slipped the piece of note inside his pocket and scratched at his head.
"Whatever… now hurry up and dispose that friggin head already…" Elyne said.
Henri opened up her handbag and spat at the head before he poured out Jester's rotting head from the handbag.
"Now, let's just get the fuck outta here already… this place stinks like shit!" Henri said.
"Wait! I've got a better idea." Elyne grinned, as she reached for the head on the floor and proceeded to stick it on the headless female mannequin body.
"W-what are y-you t-trying t-to do?" Jester asked, as his eyes darted around nervously.
(Pop!)
"There… that'll teach you a lesson not to fart inside MY handbag!" Elyne giggled, as she stuck the annoying egghead on the mannequin body.
"GAH! F-FUCK! T-this is a f-female m-mannquin!" Jester screamed, as he looked down at the body below. His head struggled and writhed in agony, trying to squirm out of the sickening sissy body. "H-help!" Jester screamed.
"Wahahahahahahahahahaha!" The two of them laughed.
(Click!)
Suddenly, the entire wheelchair moved, shifting to the side, to reveal a flight of steps leading down into the darkness.
"Wooooo… ahhhhh!" Henri and Elyne drooled.
"G-get me o-out of t-this f-fucking sissy m-mannequin…" Jester continued to scream, as he struggled.
"Hey, Jester…" Henri called out.
"Huh? W-what?" Jester asked, as he stopped his frantic struggling.
"You've got nice boobs!" He said, pointing to the voluptuous boobs of the female mannequin body. "Wahahahahahahahahaha…"
Jester sweatdrop.
"I-I'm gonna g-get y-you, H-henri…" Jester screamed, angrily.
Suddenly, the wheelchair burst into flames.
"MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…" Jester laughed. And like magic, the entire burning wheelchair floated up in the air and started to spin like crazy. Elyne screamed, as small balls of fire began to fly out from the spinning wheelchair, and she sprinted down the flight of stairs for cover.
Henri tried to run after her, but the flaming wheelchair came down and blocked his path.
"MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…" Jester continued to laugh.
"GAH!" Henri screamed. Henri knew that the only way for him to get rid of the egghead was to use the Arrow of Obesity, just like what he had done to that ghastly Sinthia earlier. He quickly took out the Arrow of Obesity and stabbed the arrow directly into Jester burning head.
(Poof!)
The burning wheelchair, together with the mannequin and Jester's head, immediately turned into a gust of smelly fart.
"Sweet!" Henri told himself.
After descending down the stairs, Henri and Elyne arrived at the prayer room of some sort. There was practically nothing much in the room, except for an altar located at the end. On the Altar was a picture of a five-legged dog. Henri walked over to the Altar. "What the fuck? A five-legged dog?" Henri thought.
"Look, Henri… there's a piece of paper under the picture." Elyne exclaimed.
Henri reached for the paper and picked it up.
"The Descent of the Sleeping Mommy – The 21 Idiots
The First Sign
And the Dog said,
At the time of foolishness, fill the world with my stupidity
Gather forth the Olive Oil, the VooDoo cup and the saliva of the Ten suckers.
Prepare for the Ritual of the Sleepy Awakening.
The Second Sign
And the Dog said,
Offer the foul dishes of the Ten Chosen Ones
And pass the salt
Then, simply remove the bones from the flesh of the chicken, and
Gain the title of Master Chef of the Kitchen.
From the pots and pans, bring forth the olive oil, and grill thyself with
Desert for the Provider of Dumbness
The Third Sign
And the Dog said,
Place the Stove through the Chef's Boob-alicious recommendation.
Under the Peeping eye of the Chef, walking around by himself
with disgusting Cooties, only then will all the Four
Delicacies be served on the same plate.
The Last Sign
And the Dog said…"
Henri stopped and looked up from the paper, with a look of disgust on his face.
"What? What did the dog say about the Last Sign?" Elyne asked.
Henri showed her the paper.
"Huh?" Elyne mumbled, reading at the last sentence of the message on the paper.
It read, "The Last Sign, and the Dog said… Go fuck yourself."
"What kind of stupid message is this anyway?" Elyne asked, still reading at the piece of paper in her hands. "Meh! I feel so insulted."
"Well, fuck the message, Elyne. Nothing in this weird world made sense…" Henri replied, as he snatched the paper from her hands.
"So, how the hell are we going to get out of this abnormal world? I can't take it any longer… the weirdness is making me crazy…" Elyne blabbered.
"Hmmm…" Henri hummed, looking at the surrounding as he stashed away the piece of paper inside his pocket. "… I guess we've got no other options but to go through that weird door over there."
Elyne looked in the direction Henri was referring to. Next to the Altar was a funny-looking door with the plate-shape carving of a Teletubby in the middle. Henri tried his hands on the knob, only to find that the door was locked.
"ARRGGGHHHH! What the hell is wrong with this place? Why are all the doors locked?" Henri screamed.
"Henri, we could use the Teletubby Crested Plate…" Elyne informed him.
"WHY? WHHYYY? WHY CAN'T WE OPEN THE DOOR? WHY?" Henri cried.
"Shut the fuck up, you pansy..." Elyne shouted. "USE THE TELETUBBY CRESTED PLATE, ALREADY!"
Henri kept banging his head on the door. "WHY?" He thought.
"HELLO? HENRI? Did you hear what I've just said?" Elyne asked.
Henri suddenly stopped his banging and looked up. "Wait… we could use the Teletubby Crested Plate we've found earlier…" Henri shouted.
"But, that's what I said!" Elyne tried to tell him.
"Tsk… tsk… tsk… You are just jealous because I've managed to come up with the solution." Henri said. "What a sore loser…" He thought.
Elyne sweatdrop again.
And so, Henri dug out the disgusting Teletubby Crested Plate and stuck it into the indent on the door, and the door creaked open to reveal a spiral stairway.
"Oh no… not another spiral stairway…" Henri groaned.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Teletubbies, Konami, and of course… Silent Hill.
A/N: Another update! I'm glad that you people are enjoying my work. Someone once asked me what the hell was I even thinking when I wrote such weird parodies. Well, to be honest, I'm not sure. Maybe I'm a genius. Or maybe I'm drunk. But I'm definitely NOT crazy. So, please do not send any more straightjackets to my home already! Okay, the part on the straightjackets was fake. I'm just kidding…really. Ooh, I'm so excited today because I've received a present. I wonder what it is… (unwraps the gift)… GAH! What the fuck? Alright, which one of you readers had sent a fucking straightjacket to me? (HA! Bad joke!)