I've had a lot of people ask me why I put up with Mello. It's not an unusual question, really - Mello's what you'd call a public menace. A maniac of sorts. Hell, even before he got involved with Mafia shit he was crazy - a bipolar, psycho, chocolate-addicted maniac with an inferiority-complex. Not exactly the kind of person you'd want to hang out with, at first glance. Mostly because at first glance, if he sees you looking, he'll either smirk at you or, if he see's that your startled or disgusted by his strange, feminine appearance, he'll punch your face in. First glance. Yeah.

The boy can read minds, though. He knows by that glance what you think of him, how threatened you are by him, and if you can tell he's gay. All in one glace he can tell if he's better than you and if you want to have sex with him or not. Yeah, I know, pretty crazy. Well, that's an exaggeration, or at least that third one anyway. That branch of his "mind reading" didn't show up until he was older. But none the less, he could tell once he got into the "sex" era of life.

Which was bit sooner than most people, I might add.

This particular part of him made a lot of people wonder if maybe I was just in it for the sex. It was a partially reasonable assumption - Mello was kind of… whore-ish. At glance, I mean, not his personality or anything. Because he really wasn't - sure, he flirted around a lot and would shoot suggestive smiles at people, but he never meant anything by it and he'd never cheat on me or anything. And anyway, I wasn't in it for the sex anyway (even though I did quite enjoy the sex). That wasn't the reason at all. I loved Mello for him, not just his body.

Even if he was a total maniac.

Some people think I'm foolish to stay in a relationship like the one I'm in with him. Maybe they're right. I'm kind of a "puppy" figure - I do whatever he says without question nor concern, not even a consideration as to "why" or "can't you do this yourself" because I want to do it for him. It makes me happy doing whatever he wants. People think it's sort of weird, too, that I'm that willing to do anything he wants. They say I shouldn't let him control me so much.

He's also what you'd call… physical with me. I don't mean sex, either, I meant full-on violence. I know what you're going to say, that I should break up with him and end it before it gets worse. Maybe you're right, too. He'll do crazy shit like throw shoes at me or shove me or whatever. He gets angry. I get it, though. I understand him. He never really hurts me - never enough to actually wound me.

Actually, that's not true. He has hurt me enough to actually wound me - he threw something at me when we were twelve. A video game. I'd been playing it a ton, about a week straight actually, since it was spring break. He grabbed it out of my hands after bugging me for hours and demanded I pay attention to him. I really was being kind of selfish - we had agreed to spend the break together after all - but I begged and pleaded for my game back.

Well, let's just say I got it back. Right smack into my face. It broke my nose.

I would have been angry with him, but I didn't. I howled in pain and fell to the ground, moaning and my nose bleeding. And I remember Mello screamed, like a little girl, and threw me into an embrace and started crying and begging for forgiveness, and you know what? I started laughing. It hurt like all the fiery wraths of hell, but I was laughing my brains out. Because the look on Mello's face was so priceless.

We spent the rest of spring break together, and Roger frowned at us the entire time. Paranoid old man, he is.

So I guess you could call him abusive. But it's not like he was raping me or any crazy shit - you can't really be having "forced sex" when I'm the one on top, now can you? No, you can't. And it's not like he did nothing for me. He did. He sheltered me, he cared for me, he was my friend. He didn't try and isolate me from other people - in fact, he encouraged me to get out of the house when he was really busy, told me I should get friends other than him all the time. He always said he wasn't good enough. Always told me that I should leave him and find someone better, because he was a devil, a monster, and he wasn't good enough for me. I would always laugh and scold him and tell him he was being stupid - he was the only one I could love.

It was true. I'm not a social person. I can't really open up to anyone but Mello. I mean, sure, I had friends - Linda, that girl who worked with me at GameStop (Ashley?), and Near, if he even counted. But nobody ever matched up to Mello. Nobody ever came close. And anyway, I liked staying home - even if Mello didn't have time to spare me a glance because of studying or, in later years, the Kira case, I loved being in the same room with him. Playing my video games and pausing to stare at him every so often. It was a stalkerish thing to do, kind of, but I loved watching him. The way he ate his chocolate with the little snaps, almost violently, the way his eyebrows scrunched together when he got confused, and then his face would relax when he understood and would scribble whatever he was writing down really furiously and fast. He had really messy handwriting - I'm fairly sure nobody can read it but him and me. He never types anything, ever - he always gives me the drafts and tells me to type it up. He's horrible with computers - if he's dumb with anything, that would be it. He could only use it for two things - email and porn. And he wasn't even good with that. Sure, he could learn to do it if he wanted to, he's not completely retarded, but he never did. He always had me for that.

I never tried to make him learn. He made me feel special. I was his computer person. I was his geek. It was nothing special, really, nothing particularly unique or romantic. But I was his geek. His redheaded geek with the goggles who did his computer stuff. I loved it.

I was also his sex toy. Yeah, I know. Sex toy. I said it and labeled myself as it. It's only acceptable because it's true, even if it does hurt my male pride. How you can be a sex toy and still the seme, well, I'll let you guess on that one. He gets sex whenever he wants it, pretty much, however he wants it. Sure, I'll toy with him sometimes, but if he wants it he'll get it, even if I'm extremely pissed at him or tired out of my mind. It's pretty damn consensual though - I know I said I don't love him just for his body ( I don't. I mean, hell, he blew himself up, if I wanted him just for his looks I'd be gone. Not that the scars not sexy, because it is, but… I'm rambling again. Ha.) but the sex was good, and I loved it. It was a confirmation of love. I was his, he was mine. Consensual.

Still, even after I explain all that, people don't understand it. Why do you love him, they ask. Why do you love a man who abuses you, uses you, coops you up in the house, gets involved with dangerous missions and mafia cases? Why?

People always ask that. They ask that all the time. They tell me I could do so much better. I could do better than some cruel, temperamental, icy, chocolate-addicted blonde who throws tantrums and is basically a public menace.

Why do I stay with Mello?

It's probably his smile.

A smile is something most people take for granted. Which is actually pretty understandable - most people smile on a regular basis. Good for them. That's a natural, human thing to do, to want to smile all the time. I know I do. I'm the kind of person who wears his heart on his sleeve, always tries to make people understand my feelings. It's not hard - I'm a pretty simple person. Sure, I'm kind of shy about it, but the people I'm close to always know how I'm feeling.

Not all smiles should be taken for granted, though.

Mello's smile, for example. It's rare. Sure, his lips turn up in some fake, blank, I-smile-because-I'm-expected-to smile. Or the smirk that says 'I'm going to kick your ass' or 'I'm better than you and I know it.' Or that forced smile he'll give you when you're trying to cheer him up and it's not working. Those smiles aren't the ones I'm talking about. I'm talking about that rare smile, that true smile, the big, warm smile. The one that spreads across his face and makes his perfect, angelic face glow more than it usually does, and shines in his big blue eyes, too. His whole face lights up and you can see that innocence that's still alive in the back of his heart.

That's a rare smile.

That's a special smile.

That's why I stay with him.

That smile is the reason. It's the proof he's still human, in a way. Proof that he returns all the love I have for him. I do love him, too - every inch of him, every quirk, every flaw, every scar, every bruise. I love every minute of him, even the abuse. Even the yelling. Even the tantrums. Because I know those fade. And I know then the tears come and Mello will start begging and sobbing and loving me all over again. I know that once we get home he'll be the boy I fell in love with. When we get home from whatever mission we're on or whatever shoot-out we're called to or whatever bullshit maf-job we're sent out to do, he'll still be him.

He'll still be Mihael Kheel. Not Mello, the temperamental, cruel, murderous, heartless mafia boss who thinks of nothing but himself, the mask that he wears to others to get his way. That's a part of him, but not the full. The part others don't see, the part that smiles real, true smiles, the part that jokes and laughs. The part that runs and plays and has tickle fights. The part that kisses passionately and embraces with love. The one that tucks me in at night when I'm sick or have had a long night. The part that crawls under the covers during a storm and buries his face in my shirt. The part that loves me more than anything.

That's why I stay.

I stay for that smile.

I stay for Mihael Kheel.

A/N: WOOF. JEASUS THIS IS A DRABBLE. I like it, though :D I love Matt, he's so cheesy and loving XD this came to me in Health class when we were talking about abusive relationships and shit. And the whole time I was thinking "holy fuck, that sounds like Mello!" XDD Except it can't fully be abuse, can it? I mean, Matt IS the seme… *eyebrow waggle*

Anyway, I wish you much love, prosperity, and pocky!!Glomps,

Holli

p.s. still going to Jamaica soon. Don't think that this update or any others means I'll be updating a lot, cuz… I wont. Cuz I'm going on an ISLAND, SUKKAAZZ!! XD kk bye for real! LUV YA!