How long how long was it they

wandered,

loving fearing loving

fugitives whose dangerous only

hidingplace

was love?

Robert Hayden

Somehow getting drunk and acting stupid actually knocked some sense into her. After eating breakfast, at least as much as she could handle, she resolved that she had to deal with her issues. Last night had been solely caused by her preverbal habit of stuffing her feelings down until one day they popped up and made her do something reckless. She had nearly destroyed, probably had destroyed, a friendship over her own emotional pain.

She found Flynn watching Olivia a little apart from the group. She could only imagine how much pain seeing a little girl roughly the same age, as Iris must cause him. Guilt curled its way up her throat. She hadn't exactly been the best friend. Far from it. Had part of it been lingering resentment over how he had treated her when they had been working at cross-purposes? Lucy knew she had some passive aggressive tendencies but it made her feel a little distressed to think that she had been acting like that. Better to have an honest conversation than to pretend to be a friend only to be mean about it.

"Listen, uh…" Lucy swallowed hard and tried to force the words out, "I'm sorry about last night. When I get drunk I'm pretty weird and I have some horrible memory of sobbing and maybe acting inappropriate and I'm so sorry."

He gave her his odd half smile, "It's ok, Lucy. We've all had our awkward moments."

"I think I need to cut back on the drinking. I'll end up an alcoholic if I don't watch out. I just…it helped me deal with things." Lucy confessed.

"Probably. But maybe just saying what you really feel would be…" he paused and then went on, "Frankly you need to kick a few more doors and say a few more damns."

"Oh, I have been," Lucy admitted. "I've been so angry recently. I've wanted to just shake everyone. I never really was like that. I was the nice, agreeable one."

"You need to talk to him. Otherwise, you'll never hash it out. And it will only get worse. The longer this sits the less likely it will be you'll be able to work it out." Lucy wondered why he was saying this. Was it because he really did, in his own odd way, care about her happiness?

"Yeah, I know. It's just really hard. Because part of me doesn't want to hear the answers. I've been thinking about Noah recently. And I treated him pretty damn poorly. I kept out engagement going long past the point where I knew there was nothing there just because I didn't want to make my mom mad. I mean he's probably Rittenhouse but I think, I think in the other timeline we actually loved each other. And it wasn't fair. But honestly, I didn't understand how much it hurt. I was used to getting out of relationships before it hurt. I used to joke with Amy. Get out of the relationship before it hurts more than Ben and Jerry's can heal." Lucy rubbed her forehead where the lingering remnants of a headache still remained. "So I guess what I'm saying is I can't totally take the moral high ground."

"You're a lot less of a romantic than most people give you credit for," Flynn commented. Lucy nodded. She wasn't a romantic. She didn't believe in soul mates or love at first sight. She believed in love, now, after a long time because the reality hurt so damn much.

" Thank you," Lucy hesitated. "For listening to me. I'm sort of pathetic right now."

"No, you aren't, Professor. Believe me, I've seen far worse drunk people." He replied smiling slightly.

"You mean, done worse," Lucy answered. He only gave a laugh and a self-deprecating shrug.

Lucy found Wyatt standing by a tree staring off into the distance. He had gotten more and more silent since…since Rufus. He was withdrawn and surly nearly all the time. Lucy remembered only one time he had gotten quite this low. It had been the Alamo and he had been resolved to sacrifice himself for the men. Lucy had been so scared she'd lose him forever. Holding his face in her hands she had pled with him, let herself be vulnerable and need him. She had held out a lifeline and he had taken it. That had been the moment she realized her feelings for him extended beyond friendship. By the time they had kissed in front of Bonnie and Clyde, she was well on her way to being helplessly in love with him.

After all, despite all the pain she had been put through all those weeks, he still was her hot-headed, reckless soldier with the heart that was so focused on doing good he sometimes forgot how to do right. As she heard exactly what Jessica had said her anger against the other woman grew. How cold and calculated she was. How had she really thrown the love he had thrown her away by betraying him and his team? By basically ensuring that her baby, if there were ever a baby, would die because she insisted on time traveling. What kind of mother did that without knowing the consequences?

The anger was leeching out as she talked. The predominant feeling left was pain. Lucy hated that feeling. She felt so vulnerable without the protective cloak of anger. She supposed she'd have to live with the pain for a while. Rufus's death was a wound that would never heal. The only thing holding her together was knowing that perhaps one day they could bring him back. Jiya was the one really suffering from Rufus's death but there was also Connor who they barely saw anymore. He was drinking too much and spending most of his time working on fixes to the Lifeboat and trying to figure out how to travel on your own timeline. Denise kept quiet and tried even harder to protect them. But Lucy and Wyatt were different. They had developed camaraderie with Rufus that was stronger than any blood relation. It was the bond of teammates and friends. It was the bond of knowing that they could depend upon each to save each other. No other team, no matter how close, could quite make up for it.

" I miss him more and more each day," Wyatt said softly. He looked crushed and broken again. Lucy reached out and touched his hand. For the first time since she had met him, he didn't respond. He looked frozen. Fear trickled through her. What would happen if she, if they, couldn't bring him back? What if he got stuck in those spirals of doubt and guilt and stopped wanting to live? If he did what he did after Jessica's death?

"So do I," she whispered back.

Author's Note: I see my readers are probably annoyed with all the angst and Garcy stuff. I promise it's over. There will be more angst because Rittenhouse is still there and worse than ever but Lyatt is just going to get closer and closer. It's a slow process but it will happen.

I thought thinking about how Lucy strung Noah along was an interesting parallel to the way Wyatt treated her. I think since Noah never was developed as a character we never developed any sympathy for him. Plus he was probably Rittenhouse although the writers did bring up an interesting theory that perhaps he was unaware of Rittenhouse like Lucy.

Lucy's now back in the Protect Wyatt Logan Squad and I'm loving it. Their friendship is so special that it's been super painful to see things so strained between them. Now they are stronger and happier together. Lucy can't save him though. She can only encourage him to get professional help. (I think this is really important. No relationship can save another person. Mental illness is far too complicated to be solved by a relationship.) For the record, I think Wyatt's getting a bit of a PTSD attack at the end. I know the conversation between them is a little different than the one in the last chapter but I think we can assume this conversation occurred directly after the previous one.