When I woke up, it was to peace. No yelling from Tucker or Caboose, no ghost in my room, not even a alarm since I woke up a few moments before it was set. Yeah, this was nice. I laid there, counting as I breathed. Three seconds in, hold for three, out for three.
So what, I was stuck in another universe. The way my life was heading before this wasn't that interesting anyway. And so what if my crush on a guy here went south, or sideways, or whatever the hell happened there. Plenty of other fish in the sea here. Eventually. Like later on, two years from now later. It was looking like I could maybe salvage some weird friendship out of this thing.
And so what if there was a homicidal AI out there hell bent on taking over the world and all the inhabitants. I could sit back and not change a thing, and everything would happen to plan. I could just lay in this bed. And eventually, everything would work out in the end.
Ha. Like I would really be able to live with myself if I didn't at least try.
Groaning as my muscles protested the movement I got out of bed and got dressed in basic workout gear. It was time to go for my morning run. I vaguely made note of the still unconscious/sleeping Caboose on the couch as I walked past. Does he wake up soon? I hope so. I decided that if he isn't awake by noon by himself I'll make sure he wakes up. Ice cold water should do the trick.
After my run I went to the workout area. Beat the shit out of some punching bags, worked with some holographic hand to hand target system, which was bad ass, and stretched. Seriously though that holographic combat training might just be the coolest thing here.
I finally heard signs of life from others as I made my way back to my room. Caboose was gone from the couch, Hopefully to bed but more likely he was getting ready for the day. As I walked by Tucker's room I heard a loud thud accompanied by a curse. Probably tripped over his armor again.
Shower, get dressed, put on armor. I took my time, inspecting each piece as it went on my body. By the time I made it out to the kitchen, it seemed I was the last one, if the new dirty dishes in the sink were anything to go by. I ate a bowl of cereal quickly, threw on my helmet, and made my way to the outside of the base.
And stumbled onto a familiar, but not good, conversation.
"...Who are you?" Caboose asked Church.
"Oh, come on! Not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?"
"Oh, of course! I remember you… you're Marvin!"
"I'm Church!" Caboose took a few seconds, really trying to think through what Church just practically yelled at him, but finally said "I think I would remember a name that ridiculous. Nope, you are definitely Phil."
"This is what you get for shooting your gun while inside his head, Church." I said, but no one listened to me. Looks like no one took my advice, but I didn't they would listen anyway. If I wanted things changed here I had to do them myself.
"You killed me with the tank." Church kept on trying to get Caboose to remember, to little avail.
"Dave!" Ya know, at least he was saying male names.
"You insulted my girlfriend. You called her a cow."
"Karen!" Never mind.
"Dude, he called her a slut." Tucker chimed in.
"Phineous?"
"Your whole life is based around pleasing me." Church said.
"Wally."
"In fact, I think you're kind of obsessed with being my best friend."
"Milo?" Caboose said, then turned towards Tucker and I "Psst. The new guy is pretty full of himself."
"New guy? What the- I'm not the new guy. You're the new guy!"
"I don't know. I kinda like it. I could get used to calling you Rookie." Tucker said.
"Rookie" I said, pretending to think about it, "Yeah, I think I could too."
"Oh, yea? Could you get used to me beating you to death?"
"You and what body?" I asked. Tucker held up a fist. I didn't even hesitate to bump it. Just a normal friendship, I could do this.
Meanwhile, Church's whole 'body' seemed to be vibrating with rage, and I wasn't the only one to notice.
"Psst. What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad." Caboose asked us.
"Oh, son of a bitch!" Church yelled.
"Susan?"
"Everyone just go patrol, alright?" Church said.
"Anywhere in particular, or?" I asked, biting my lip to keep the smile off my face. Pissing people off is just a little more fun than it really should be.
"Just GO!" He said, walking away to a vantage point on the canyon wall.
Tucker, Caboose, and I all went to the easiest patrol area, since he didn't really tell he where to go specifically, and it also allowed up to see a 360 view of the area around our base. Great for seeing the enemy coming, bad coverage for when they do show up. The odds of actually getting hit by the enemy even up there were very slim though.
In short, we all went to the roof.
For the first hour or two, no one really said anything. It was all a lot of standing around, doing nothing, with the occasional "This is bullshit." "This blows" type of complaints. Only, this time there were the added "No, no get away from her." and "What are you telling her, gibberish man?" and similar complaints quietly from Caboose, until finally I went to see if Tucker noticed what was going on in this weird love triangle or if I was the only one.
"You seeing what I've been seeing for the past two hours?" I asked Tucker.
"Yeah, man, Lopez and Sheila have been spending a lot of time together."
" I don't like it. He is not good enough for my Sheila." Caboose said.
"But they seem happy together." Tucker said.
"He is a bad influence and he is taking advantage of her because she is young and naive...and delicate."
"Delicate? She weighs like 200 tons, dude."
"She is a precious flower."
"Riggghht." I said, then quietly to Tucker, "You wanna break up the two over there or should I?"
"No I'll go." Tucker replied, and immediately jumped down from the roof.
Caboose and I watched Tucker make his way over to Lopez and Sheila, just barely able to hear what was being said, and even then it was only every few words.
" Hey guys, I have … favor. ….sound strange, but I think Caboose …. jealous of …."
"Sheila! Come back to me! I made you a muffin!" Caboose yelled, and man did it take a lot of effort not to flinch back when he did. I didn't realize he could be so loud. And what muffins was he talking about?
"... just try to keep ….We don't want ... love triangle."
"Tucker, I've ... machine has ...unfairly…" I struggled to hear what was going on. Tuckers "What are you talking about" was pretty clear. Then I couldn't hear anything. What was happening down there?
When Sheila's barrel of her Tank lowered, pointing directly at Tucker's head, my heart stopped as I was flooded with the memory of what was going on now. Robo revolution. Fucking A.
My gun was raised without a question, but then I had to determine who to aim at. Lopez seemed like the only option currently. I mean what good would a bullet do to a tank.
I ran through a few scenarios in my head of what I could do. Tucker obviously doesn't get his head blown off by her, so maybe he talks his way out of this? Who am I kidding he doesn't talk his way out of anything. I can't stop anything from happening, not from this distance, probably not even from up close.
I was about to just run in, saying fuck it and hope I could save Tucker anyway, when Sheila raised her barrel away from him. I let out a small sigh of relief as I saw him sprinting away, towards the spot on the canyon wall we saw Church float towards a while ago.
"Well Caboose, looks like Sheila isn't interested in leaving Lopez right now."
"Shelia NO!" Caboose cried out, and fell to his knees. Was… Was this some sort of dramatic love moment for him? Yikes.
"It'll be okay buddy. There are more fish in the sea." I said patting his back.
"The sea is empty. All the fishermen came and took the fish away." Caboose cried, burying his helmet into his hands. Biting my tongue before the "I feel ya, man" left my mouth, I decided I should say something to cheer him up.
"Why don't you go have a cookie. It will make you feel better Caboose." Sniffling, he nodded.
"Thank you, Taylor. You always know what to say." He said, then took off to the kitchen.
That was probably the weirdest conversation I have ever had in my life, and unfortunately it won't be the last one. Seriously though what the fuck.
Seeing as I was now the only one left on Patrol, I took up looking out at the front entrance. Apparently just in time too, three guys headed our way. Except two were blue, and one was pink. And the pink guy was being lead back to this base at gunpoint by Tucker and Church.
God damn it Donut.
OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO OOOOO
I swept the perimeter, making sure all the rest of the reds weren't around here, before going into the base to see what was up. In the time it had taken me to do a sweep, They had donut tied to a chair right near the flag in the upper levels of the base. All guns were out and pointed at him.
"Swept the perimeter. We're clear for now, but they'll be coming for him soon." I said. Donut paid me no mind, as to our previous agreement we had. In the field, we didn't know each other, but we wouldn't try to hurt each other either.
"Him? Don't you mean her?" Tucker said, then stepped closer to Donut. "So they send a female assassin to try and kill us. Clever, but it won't work. We're immune to your feminine wiles. ...Unless you wanna date one of us." Wait what?
" Female!? I'm not a girl." Donut said. Tucker let out a barely audible tease under his breath as Donut kept talking "I just have, light red armor."
"How is that pink armor anyway? Looks comfortable…" Caboose asked.
"At first, I really hated it. But it's kinda grown on me. My old armor used to chafe my thighs somethin' awful. But the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy!"
"Silence woman!"
"Tucker! Caboose! Prisoners aren't for chatting up." I said.
"She won't tell us anything, she won't even admit she's a girl." Tucker said. I sighed.
"Tucker." I said slowly, "Donut here is a guy."
"And how would you know that?" Caboose asked. "Have you seen her naked?"
"She is a He." I said
"So you have seen her naked." Caboose said.
"No!" I threw my hands up in the air. "Just forget it. Someone want to actually ask some relevant questions? Like, I don't know, any secret plans the reds have?"
"What secret plans do you reds have?" Tucker yelled at Donut.
"Secret plans? You mean my recipes? They aren't really a secret, so I guess I could share them. First you need a crockpot." Donut started listing a bunch of ingredients for what sounded like mac and cheese. This continued on for ten minutes before I left, Tucker following after me.
"Well that's useless." He said.
"Yeah, Church want us to do anything now?"
"Wait for him at the entrance, fill him in on what we know."
"I now know chicken will burn if you leave it in a crockpot too long without liquid. Somehow I don't think that's what we need."
As soon as Tucker and I got to the entrance, Church appeared.
"How's it goin', guys? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?"
"I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?" Tucker said.
"Do we have a crock pot?" Church asked.
"No, Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box."
"What was in the mystery box?"
"A Hundred and forty jars of mayonnaise."
I definitely should have stopped that trade from happening. We still had like 132 jars of it. It would have been for the greater good.
"Yeah... it doubles as a great sunscreen." Tucker said.
"How did you- never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds…" There was a pause where Tucker and I must have been thinking the same thing "The plan does not involve mayonnaise." God damn it we will never get rid of that shit.
"Dammit, I knew there would be a catch." Tucker said.
"Just wait here, I just need to grab one more thing." Church said as he phased out of existence.
"At least you won't be going through the teleporter." I told Tucker.
"Don't even mention the teleporter. I don't want him to remember we have it." Tucker said.
A few minutes passed in mostly silence. Just as I thought Tucker was about to say something, we could hear two sets of footsteps coming up the stairs behind us. Turning, I saw those footsteps belonged to Donut and Caboose, no Church/Lopez in sight.
"Caboose, you're not supposed to let the prisoner run free!" Tucker said
"Guys, it's okay, it's me." Donut said. Wait a minute, did Church…? I couldn't even think it, let alone ask. Caboose spoke up.
"Yes we all know it's you Mr. Pink man."
"No, I'm me, Church!" Damn it that ass hole. What was wrong with him? Taking over someone's body like that. People aren't robots, and even now I felt bad at how Lopez was treated.
"Oh cool." Tucker said. Seriously?
"No, not cool. Church get out of him." I said, leaving no room for argument. How was everyone just alright with this?
"No," apparently there was room for argument, " I need a body to go negotiate with the Reds with. This body will do just fine- whoa Taylor no need to get hands. I'm pretty sure this guy doesn't swing that way anyway."
I had shoved Donut as gently as possible up against the wall, My arm across his shoulders, my hand grabbing his hand with a gun and holding it against the wall, gun pointed away from me.
"Did you ask him before you took over his body? I don't think so. Get out of him." I snarled, pressing forward as hard as I dared.
"And what body would you have me take then when we negotiate with the Reds, huh?"
"I'll negotiate. Tell me what you want and I'll get it as long as you get out of Donut. Now." Church seemed to think through my offer.
"Is that a guarantee?"
"Within reason." I added. Last thing I need is for him to have me negotiation something I couldn't ever get. Like the Reds to give up their base. Or Sarge's shotgun. No one was getting that, not even out of his cold, dead, hands.
"Damn it. Fine." Church said. Donut went limp against the wall, the only thing keeping him from falling over was me. He seemed to spaz out for a second before looking around and tilting his head at me.
"What? Taylor why are you pushing me up against a wall? Did you not like my crock pot recipes?" I immediately let go of my grasp on Donut, Making sure he didn't fall over, muttering a quick apology.
"Caboose, why don't you take our prisoner back to where he was being kept before. Wait there with him, we will come get you in a few minutes."
"Okay!" Caboose said. "Follow me Mr. Pink man."
As soon as those two had turned the corner, Church appeared in between Tucker and I.
"So what is it you want?" I asked.
"Two robot shells with no AI," Oh. So this was that part of the show. I thought that would be later.
"Why do we need two robots?" Tucker asked.
"Ya know, one for me and, uh, one for Tex." Church said, muttering the last part to the point where you could barely hear it.
"Oh man, don't tell me you're doing this for Tex. You're still in love with her, aren't you." Tucker said.
"Hey get off my back, man. Most dead chicks aren't exactly linin' up to haunt this dirthole. Besides, if I don't get her a body, she's gonna steal mine anyway."
"Eh, good point."
"So two robot body's minus AI's it is."
"No Spanish either! And a bigger switch!" Church said. I nodded, that actually seemed like a good idea. The Spanish part, at least.
"So, we probably should bring Donut. Lopez?" I asked.
"Nah, the whole robot uprising thing seems a bit dangerous at the moment." Tucker said.
"Point. Caboose should stay too. Fewer people the less likely this will all go to shit. Now they probably are already making there way over here in an attempt to get there guy. Let's go before this turns into another surrender situation."
A few minute later, Tucker, Donut, and I were taking cover behind a hill, watching the Red team approach.
"Donut, you can't talk okay. I'll get you back with your squad, and you can tell them all about how you didn't give us anything later."
"Okay Taylor."
"Guys shhhs, here they come." Tucker said.
"Tucker, we want them to know we're here."
"Oh yeah." Tucker stood up before I could stop him and shouted to the Reds. "Hello inferior red squad!"
"Tucker get back down, they could still shoot." louder I said "We have captured two of your men and would like to negotiate their release back to you."
"So like surrender? Are you surrendering or are we?" Grif's voice came back
"You are." I called.
"This smells like a trap, or a rat… or a rat, in a trap. We can't accept this." Sarge said.
"No one can surrender blues, noone's attacked yet! Now, go home and wait for us to attack, then you can surrender." Simmons yelled. God these people. I'm gonna have to fight stupid with stupid here. While grif seemed to be debating the advantage of having two surrenders from us, I aimed my gun right above their heads and fired. The three of them ducked.
"There, now you are under attack, and you can surrender. In exchange for your surrender, and your men back, we have a demand."
Looking at them I could see Simmons and Sarge having a quiet conversation, Grif hopping around behind them. What was that about?
"I don't think they're going for it, Taylor." Tucker said.
"They will."
"What if you still say you surrender, but we give you your demands?" Sarge yelled.
"What no!" Tucker yelled. I elbowed him to stop him from saying more.
"You are not in a situation to negotiate. We fired first shot, and we have two of your men. Technically a surrender from you would also just make us even, with neither team having a technically advantage since we have one surrender."
There was more talking from the reds, and a bigger freak out from Grif.
"Let's say we surrender. What is it you want?"
"Two, fully functional Robot shells, like Lopez, except with no AI's and that can speak English. They will have all body parts and they will all be functional. " I hesitated for a second. Sarge adding the bomb wasn't something I forgot about this next part. Was that something I actually wanted to mess with? I think I have to keep it, at least for now, until I think through how it would play out without the bomb. Plus I think he adds a codeword to one robot, and I sort of want to know if he still will.
"Anything else?" Sarge asked in my silence.
"I want to make it very clear." I said, "These robots should be fully functional-"
"You already said that!" Simmons called out.
"And I'm saying it again. There are no optional features when it comes to multifunctional movement, that is what fully functional means. There will be no upgrades or downgrades from Lopez, only small changes, which include English and no AI. We will be receiving these as payment for the return of you men."
"Okay, we got a deal! Meet us in the center of the canyon at 0600 and we'll make the exchange." Sarge said.
"Alright, guys. Let's go back to blue base. Looks like you'll be staying with us a little while longer Donut" I said.
"Are we going to have a sleepover? Because that would be sweet."
"Uh, talk to Caboose."