Patsy's eyes were now fixated on the boxes around her; she couldn't help but take her mind to what her life would be like without all her friends around her.
"Pats, sweetheart," Delia said walking over to the record player and starting their favourite record. She pulled Patsy up from her bed and they stood in each other's arms, dancing slowly around the room.
"At least we aren't ghosts anymore," Patsy said looking at her welsh girlfriend and they moved slowly around the room she shared with Trixie, carefully avoiding the boxes. Moving in sync, in harmony. Delia smiled as she remembers the evening at the coffee shop. Her memories after the accidents were all there just slightly jumbled yet she could remember that night as clear as it was yesterday. During her recovery, she couldn't work out why it stuck so clearly in her mind but when she returned to Poplar it hit her. That evening in the coffee shop was so important because that was when she knew. She wouldn't want her life without Patsy and she wouldn't lie, she couldn't live her life in a lie.
"I love you, Cariad. That means I will defend you with my life even if the odds were insurmountable. It means I will comfort you in the challenging and painful times. Its means I will dance and rejoice with you when times are good. It means I will never betray you, never give up on you. It means finding my fire with you Patsy mount, my loved one when you are being threatened yet never waging war – only doing what is necessary. Love is saying I forgive you. My ma used to say that love will test me, and this feels like an enormous test but knows I am yours no matter how many miles will stretch between us. I will never abandon you. It means that I will never put you in danger no matter how noble the cause may be. My teacher used to make the call remember that love means protecting the earth, protecting humanity, being kind to everyone but should anyone demand your life to save their own you tell them to rot in hell". She smiled a little, remember her old teachers saying " There can never be a higher calling to me than loving you Pats."
"I'm going to cry," Trixie said standing in the doorway. She didn't realise she had interrupted their special moment until she had already opened her mouth.
Patsy let out a burst of laughter
"Oh crumbs, I ruined a moment did I?" Trixie said
Delia didn't look a Trixie she was still staring deeply into Patsy soul. Delia nodded slowly, trying to hold in her laugh.
Xxx
On Sunday morning both Patsy and Delia with the support of Trixie went down for breakfast. Patsy had avoided everyone since they were told her departure but she couldn't not say goodbye and plus she was hungry. They sat there knee deep in silence. The faucet dripped into the sink, each one reverberating around the room like a cymbal, yet it felt like no one blinked or moved to stop it. Outside there was no noise, not even a bird singing. That morning everything food that Patsy put in her mouth tasted like cardboard. No amount of chewing made her toast possible to swallow. Her mouth was dryer than a sandbox in summer.
"I better be off, the insulin won't get to the people themselves," Trixie said. The nurse stood up slowly placing her hand on Patsy's back as a way of support " I will help you finish packing when I get back" she said, it was aimed at Patsy but said it loudly enough in order to make the nuns uncomfortable.
"I have the day off if you need any help." Sister Winifred said- she was trying to be supportive and unlike sister Mary Cynthia, who Trixie believed offered to help Patsy just to make sure Patsy and Delia weren't doing anything that her version of God would disprove off.
"I think I'm nearly done but thank you for the offer sister," Patsy said, not making eye contact with the table who were now looking at her.
"well please do let me know if you need any help at all" The sister said.
"We are all here if you need anything," Sister Mary Cynthia said. Patsy couldn't understand why she was being so nice when she was the reason that Patsy's things were all in boxes in the first place!
"If you were all here for me then I wouldn't be being made to leave" She snapped pushing her chair out from under the table nearly knocking Trixie over. Sister Julienne gave a long deep sigh; she knew that this weekend was going to be hard for Patsy, but she didn't realise how much of a toll it would take on the rest of her house.
"She's not wrong sister. Don't pretend to be here to help her pack up her things when you're the reason she has to do so in the first place." Trixie said before walking out.
Barbara and Delia said nothing. Delia wanted to but didn't know how to word her anger or her grief. She didn't know how to explain to a selection of nuns that what her and Patsy were doing was nothing wrong; there was nothing sinful about it. It was love and it was right and it was deserved.
No went to see Patsy after she stormed off; other than Delia who stuck her head in on the way to her shift "I won't be long Pats, see you when I get home... Love you."
"You too Deels" They were the only words spoken to Patsy that morning. Barbara went out with Tom and Patsy was left on her own camping out in her room full of boxes.
She didn't know what to do with herself; she didn't know who she could talk to, or who would even want to speak to her. She didn't want to leave Poplar. Her family, she didn't want to have to start again, somewhere new, somewhere unknown. She didn't want to move on. Everything she loved was here.
Before she knew it, she had nothing left but a couple of boxes and a suitcase. Leaving was killing her soul as sure as a dagger can stop one's heart beating. She didn't want to say her goodbyes and packing her things onto the bus made her whole body shake. She knew leaving wouldn't be easy, even when it was the only option available. If there was no hope she would have still stayed by Delia's side and choose to die in the dark, because while packing up the rest of her stuff alone that Sunday night she realised that without the love she had received off Delia she wouldn't be the person she was today. Everyone knew what leaving meant for Patsy; she loved Poplar, and everyone was having to bite their tongue to follow through with the rules and not turn around and ask her stay.
Patsy 'family' crowded outside the doors the home they used to share to wave her off. Apart from Delia she was at work, Patsy had held off as long as she could but she needed couldn't keep Tom waiting forever, she couldn't keep poor Sister Monica Joan waiting outside forever, she was already getting distracted.
As Patsy put her last suitcase on the bus Sister Julienne grabbed her and held Patsy's hands in her own "I pray that you understand why this has happened Nurse Mount". Patsy was in shock that that was all the sister could say to her, after all the years Patsy had given to Poplar all the Sister could say was that she prayed for Patsy! What Patsy didn't know was the Sister didn't know what to say, she was losing an excellent nurse/midwife and someone she considered a friend.
"I don't pray Sister," Patsy said, seeing Trixie giggling out the corner of her eye at Patsy quick response. Patsy had always been good at them to hide her feelings. That's how she coped with pain and loss, right at that moment her heart felt with Pain and was screaming for the loss of what she was leaving behind.
Trixie and her best friend had said goodbye so many times since the sun rose, Trixie knew that she couldn't face another goodbye. The smiled at each other as Barbara hugged Patsy. That's when Patsy saw her out the corner of her eye. Her purple uniform walking down the street, she cut Barbaras hug short and ran down the cold street to meet in Delia's arms. Hugs were never long enough for Delia. In Patsy's arms, she was safe, and her worried disappeared like rain on summer earth. In the embrace, she was cocooned better than any butterfly-to-be. She felt Patsy's soft skin against her and gently squeezed on her own. In all the pain she was feeling she bathed in Patsy's warmth and her unique sense of perfume and old cigarettes.
"Bye Deels," Patsy said
"Hwyl Fawr" Was all Delia could say. The welsh speaking alone told Patsy all the Delis emotions.
"Go" was the only other word Delia could say, she turned her head away to hide her tears and pointed towards the bus. Patsy couldn't walk up to her slowly and pull her back in her grasp. She'd couldn't surround Delia in her warmth like she wanted to and she couldn't feel the world around her melt away as they kissed. Because they weren't allowed, neither of them wanted the bus to drive away, yet it did. No amount of stalling could have stopped the bus from pulling off. As Patsy sat alone on the bus, Tom tried to make small talk but gave up rather quickly. With all of Patsy's energy she managed to hold in all the pent up emotions, she kept them in the darkness, but it was the longest journey she had ever had.