Ac14

John looked at the duffle on the floor next to his bed. Brackett said he would be going home in a few days. Taking the duffle off the floor he zipped it open to find clothes, toiletries but no keys. No car keys and no apartment keys. Roy had always brought both whenever he was stuck in the hospital but not this time. The thought of calling his partner gave him a head and stomach ache, all rolled into a big problem. He ran his hands through his hair, thinking how he could get his car and apartment keys. He was starting to sweat thinking of leaving the hospital and what he would do next. He had torn up the card from Dr. Freedman, they were all the same but her words struck him. Knowing he would have to step foot in the station scared him. He saw his hands shake and could feel the sweat all ready form on his back. Once a place he called his second home was a frightening place now.

"I can help you Mr. Gage if you'll let me."

"Man, oh man oh man. Help me. Help me what?" Gage muttered feeling what little grasp he had on life disappeared completely. He reached for the phone then stopped knowing Roy would come to pick up the pieces again. No he was done; stick a fork in him, done with the fire department.

*****

Roy mowed the lawn thinking of his partner; Brice was turning into nothing but a walking rule book. The man didn't know when to drop a subject, especially when dealing with John Gage. Being the senior paramedic he had no choice but to tell him to shut up about it, but didn't and now was haranguing his shift mates.

The loud noise from the mower helped to block his worries about Brackett. He assured him Johnny was going to get help. Help for what, since he had never seen anyone so scared of something they knew intuitively. DeSoto couldn't imagine anyone being his nutty partner but John Gage.

****

Johnny took the duffle again, only this time he took each item and threw it out as he went through it. Clothes, toiletries flew all over his room and hit things. He was frustrated, angry and confused. Why, couldn't he find the keys? The keys were crucial to his life. But the thought of the fire station and even his locker made his head spin.

"ARRGHH! WHY ME? WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME!" John took the duffle and threw it towards the door just as the student nurse was bringing in his lunch.

She stopped cold, shrieked then turn and ran. John's mouth dropped opened, he could never hurt or scare anyone and now he had scared a nurse half to death.

Running his hands over his face, he could feel the hot tears starting. Tears of frustration, tears of anger and tears of exhaustion. The accident he so carefully hid away was tearing him apart inside. Freedman hit the nail on the head and it burned him up. He had broken rule number one too many times and now he was paying for it.

****

"Honey how about some lemonade?" Joanne brought a tall glass to her husband.

"Thanks, guess I was thirsty and didn't know it," Roy looked around his backyard, half the things he and Johnny had done. Johnny didn't have anybody but him and the rest of the fire department. He recalled the lost look in Gage's eyes when he jumped out of the squad.

"Honey, what's wrong?" She looked into his worried eyes. "Its Johnny isn't it?"

"Joanne, I don't know Brackett," sighing he finished the glass and handed it back to his wife. "I'm worried. I'm scared for Johnny. What's he going to do without us? What's he going to do period. Johnny told me all his life he wanted to be a fireman and now..."

"You have to trust Dr. Brackett Roy. He knows what he's doing and before long Johnny will be himself again. You'll see," Joanne hugged her husband, took the empty glass and went back inside the house.

DeSoto wished he could be so positive, and then went back to yard work.

****

When Johnny opened his eyes again it was dark in his room, turning on the bedside lamp he took the phone and dialed the operator.

"Dr. Brackett please," John wiped away the remnants of his tears. He was exhausted beyond belief. The silence was not reassuring.

"Hey Doc," the dark haired paramedic forced out of his mouth, "you know Dr. Freedman. I wonder if you could call her for me. I lost her card, you know."

"Sure Doc anything you say and thanks," Johnny hung up the phone, pulled his covers up and fell into an exhausted sleep.

****

Pulling up into the driveway, John could see it was an old house but comforting with large oak trees and away from the city noise.

"Nice place," John said getting out of Freedman's car.

"I think so," she said smiling. "No distractions, no phones and no TV. It is a convalescence home after all."

"Convalesce home?" John's voice got shaky, pulling out his duffle.

"Yes John, before we can begin work you need to be rested and you weren't rested in the hospital were you?"

"No, guess there were… I don't know…just couldn't sleep no matter how many sleeping pills I got," Gage mused.

"Shall we," Freedman opened the door and led John to a small nondescript room. A bed, dresser, desk chair and small bookcase greeted him. She pointed to a closet as Johnny hung his clothes up. "There's a schedule of meals but for now they'll be delivered. You need your rest."

"Sure Doc," John was getting nervous knowing the Freedman was going to leave.

"It's all right John. I'll be back at the end of the week. I want you to get rested and I need to do a few things before we get started. You have to trust me," she squeezed his arm.

"I'm trying to Doc. I'm really trying," John smiled

****

Six eyes watched as the pretty female guest entered their station.

"Guys, this is Dr. Sydney Freedman, she is John's therapist and has asked us to help. Right now we are standing down and with the department's permission. She wants us to speak freely," Stanley said nervously as the doctor approached.

"Please relax," Freedman saw the straight backed men sitting in chairs and couches.

All eyes turned to her, Roy sat at the table and his blue eyes turned on John's therapist. Even the word made him nervous; Gage may have been a little crazy but in order for him to accept help, meant it was really bad.

"Well gentlemen, the reason I'm here is to discuss John's therapy and how you will help him. I know department policy is to talk to each other about your runs but this was a very painful and personal run to all of you," she looked at all the men but especially DeSoto.

Taking a chair, she crossed her legs and looked at the assembled macho firemen in front of her. To be sure they all had egos and needed them to rush into burning buildings when other rational people ran away. It would be difficult but needed to be done if she was to do her patient justice.

"The accident I was referring to was John's. I went over the accident report, his charts but they don't give me the full picture. I would like you to tell me about it," she took out her notebook and noticed the pronounced silence in the station, as she saw each man go over the horrific accident in their minds and wondered if they could have done something different.