*L's POV*

"Your sister is not what I expected," I teased as Light climbed into bed. He sighed, gently lowering himself onto the pillows. My smile fell at the sight of his imperfect skin that was slowly beginning to heal.

"I'm very sorry if anything that she said bothered you. She doesn't have much of a filter."

"Not at all." I bit my lip as Light's body relaxed into the bed, pain across his features. "She is welcome here whenever, Light." His eyes darted to my face in question. "I think it's good for you to have a bit of home every now and then." Light rolled his eyes at my words. "I mean it. You seem better than you have been for a while."

"You really think so?" Light asked me, trying to sit up. I took his shoulder at his wince and gently guided him back down to where he had been lying, looking up at me. I pushed his hair back from his face and gave a nod. "I do feel better."

"I'm glad." There was a silence that fell between us, leaving me to my guilty feelings that continued to gnaw at my chest. I needed to tell him. I needed to tell him. Light needed to know. It wasn't fair that I kept this from him. None of this was fair. I felt sick as I pushed the words from my mouth. "Light, I have recently spoken with Ryuk."

"What?" Light asked, sitting up, only to fall back to the bed, holding his sides in pain. "What do you mean you've seen him? I haven't heard from him since the night I brought you back."

"He-It..." I pulled my knees in tighter to me and avoided Light's russet eyes that bore into me deeply. "...only comes to me. I'm not sure why."

"And you never told me about this why?" Light demanded, venom in his tone.

I winced at the accusation, chills flooding through me. "I didn't want you to worry. You were just starting to adjust to being in school and working cases, and you were constantly sick because of withdrawals. I just didn't want to bother you with something that you were trying so hard to remove from your life."

Light was quiet for a moment, chewing on his tongue. He took a deep and unsteady breath before speaking in a strained voice. "What is it he wanted?"

"He wanted to make a deal."

Light's eye brows cocked at my reply, waiting for an explanation. But for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to keep going. The words were trapped behind my teeth. They turned my blood cold and made my stomach churn. But I was already this far. I couldn't stop. And I owed it to Light to tell him. This affected him as much as it affected me.

"He said that if we gave him the death notes-"

"Are you crazy?" Light interrupted me, his jaw clenched.

Maybe I shouldn't have told him. This was just going to end badly. But we couldn't hide things away from each other anymore. Especially if we wanted the future to be as bright as it was possible for it to be, then we needed to work through these problems. And I wanted that future. I wanted to marry this broken man in front of me. I would give anything to spend the rest of my days with him.

"Please, just listen before you yell at me," I muttered, my voice small. Light's face fell expressionless and he sighed, giving me my ok. "He said that if we gave him back the death notes, then you wouldn't have to be a shinigami when you died."

Light's eyes widened and searched my face. "How did you know that?"

"Ryuk told me." At my reply, Light's face became sharp with anger and he swore loudly, before placing his hands over his face. "We've both been keeping secrets from each other. I think it's time we stop. It's only going to make it so we have more disagreements in the future." Light only groaned from where he was hidden behind his hands.

"We are not giving them to him," Light sair sharply, lowering his hands from his face. "I don't care if he could somehow keep me alive for the rest of all eternity, we are not giving him those death notes back. Do you have any idea what he could have planned with those? Do you have any idea the amount of destruction that can be caused by someone else who decides to be just like me?"

The sentence caught me off guard. "Just like you?" I questioned softly. I had a vague idea of what he meant, but-

"Yeah. There have been three other Kiras, not counting this new one, besides me just within the last two years. If I'm not the only person manipulated and twisted enough to use these books, then who else would Ryuk give them to? It would be better if we just kept them locked up where ever it is you have them. Let me suffer. It's better that I pay the price rather than have two more innocent people with an obscured sense of justice get their hands on them." Light took a deep breath, before continuing. "And I can assume the only way he could pass them onto someone else is if I give up my memories. And... I don't want to give those up."

"Light..." I whispered softly. "Wouldn't it be easier if you did give them up? Maybe you wouldn't suffer so much. Maybe you wouldn't be sick all of the time. You could have a normal life."

"I wouldn't have a normal life L. There would be the better portion of two years missing. There would be holes in my memories. And I would only suffer from worse nightmares than I do now. And could you live with that? Could you live with the knowledge that I am what I am and never be able to speak about it?"

There was something he wasn't telling me. Everything he said was a valid point, but I knew there was more. "Light, why don't you want to give up your memories?"

"Because I'm a greedy monster, that's why."

"Greedy how?" I questioned, confused. Light had only ever been greedy in the beginning. He was nothing of the sort now. He wouldn't even sleep some nights just to help me on cases.

"I would lose almost everything about you, Lawliet," he replied, this time sitting up fully to face me through his gritted teeth. He inhaled deeply, adjusting to the movement. My breath was lost to m, surprise snatching up my muscles and making them tight. "I would lose anything that had to do with us falling in love. Most of it was for my own greedy nature to get your name to put in that god forsaken death note." A chill went through me at the thought of how Light had once wanted nothing but to end my life. "But now I am being greedy because I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose this. I love you, Lawliet. I'm not about to give a single bit of those memories up."

"I..." I couldn't speak. I knew he cared, but he had never really put that care into words. I was in shock. No one had ever... No one would ever dare... This was so different to me. So strange, but wonderful and new.

Light looked away from me, embarrassment over his features. "Please, don't make that deal."

I gave a small nod in agreement. "Of course. I would never."

Light gave a deep sigh and his shoulders slumped. "We should get this out of the way."

I blinked several times, my mind scrambling to understand what he said. "Get what out of... Oh." I lowered my gaze in understanding. He wanted to discuss all of it. "What happened to moving on?"

"That's not fair to you," Light said as he lied back down on the bed, wincing.

"Let's just let it go. It's not worth the trouble." I knew he didn't want to talk about it. I knew that he would be happy never speaking about this again.

"Just let it go?" Light asked, his voice knifelike. "You know that if we don't get it out of the way now, then we will just keep coming to this point. We will never move past this if we don't talk about it now."

I wasn't sure why, but the cutting edge of his voice made me grind my teeth with a spark of anger. I knew he was right, but he really didn't have to say it with that tone. It made me not want to talk about it that much more. Why couldn't he just let it go? That's what he wanted, right?

"I don't want to talk about this. What's done is done," I grumbled, hiding my face away in my knees.

"Lawliet, talk to me. Come on."

"I don't want to!" I said a little louder, looking up, the light a tad brighter now. "Why does it matter?"

"Why does it matter? Because this is your life, Lawliet! That's why!" Light shot back with a scoff as he got to his feet and shook out his hair. "I gave it back to you."

"Did you ever think that maybe I didn't want it?!" I demanded. "Maybe it was better if I was dead!"

"How in the world, would anything be better with you gone?" Light shot back darkly. "Do you have any idea what state the world would be in if you didn't exist? Do you know what I would have done to this world if you didn't exist? I would have destroyed this world!"

"You only brought me back because you're a selfish bastard!" My hands twisted in the bedding, trying to hold onto my tongue so I wouldn't say something worse that we would both begin regretting.

"You know what, I am a selfish bastard. I couldn't live without you. Is that what you want to hear?" Light shouted, his hands becoming fists in anger. "It's not like you're any different. You're just some forgotten about thing that craves human contact as much as me."

His face was unreadable, no fear, no invitational smirk. But somehow that hurt me more than if he had shone some form of emotional expression. For some reason it made me feel like he just didn't care anymore. That now his words from earlier didn't mean anything. That somehow, they had all been some convincing lie. And he was so excellent at lying. It was so effortless for him. Second nature. I wasn't even sure what was the truth anymore.

How did we get here?

"Your own parents didn't even want you!" Light's tongue was forked wickedly as the words left his cold lips.

I used to know you so well.

"At least I've never taken a life!" I shot back, though I wasn't sure if it would hit its mark. I had never had this kind of a fight before. I wasn't sure how to keep my words as venomous as Light could.

Do you see what we've done?

"You think I'm proud of that?" Light laughed halfheartedly.

We're going to make such fools of ourselves.

"Why wouldn't you be? You knocked out more than 60 percent of crime rates, and in your sleep you call yourself a god." Still wasn't enough. My heart ached with Light's previous words.

How can I decide what's right?

"At least I have made a difference in the world. I have left my mark, and I will forever be known around this world as Kira! A god among men!"

It might kill me.

My body moved without my thought. The silver band was yanked from my finger and thrown at the man before me, if he was a man at all. Light caught the ring before it could fall to the ground. "Maybe you should have let me stay dead! You would have your kingdom right about now!"

"Maybe I should have."

"I hate you!" I shouted, taking the only thing that was close to me and throwing it with all of my strength. The pillow hit Light fully, causing him to stumble back slightly. "Why don't you just go back to Japan?!"

Light's eyes held something in them. Something so familiar. Something so Kira.

"I will!" he hissed. "You'll never have to see me again."

"Get out!" I growled, pointing to the door. "Now!"

Those russet eyes. They were no longer innocent. They were no longer pained. They were cold and jaded. There was a soul shattering chill that ripped through me. There was something not human staring back at me. Something worse than the yellow of a shinigami.

It was as if there was no one home in his head. No rage, no fear, just a cold and dead look. There was hardly any russet left. It was as if his pupils had taken over, making it so I was only staring back at black.

Without even a breath between us, he turned, leaving the look in his eyes imprinted on the walls of the room. The room shook as he slammed the door behind him, abandoning me.

Do you see what we've done? We're going to make such fools of ourselves.

There was another slam of a door somewhere down below and I would hear his footsteps on the gravel outside o f my window. But I didn't dare look. Now even when I could hear the car engine turn over, and then disappear into the night. Not even when it all fell silent again.

That silver was gone from around my finger, and i somehow felt lost without it. I had grown so used to it against my skin that now I felt like a part of me was missing.

I pulled myself from my bed and left the claustrophobic room. I wandered downstairs and followed the smell of tea down to the kitchen, but stopped in the doorway at the sight of Sayu instead of Watari.

"Hello," she said in a bubbly voice. She was always so happy. How was someone so happy like her without becoming a Misa? "I hope you don't mind, but I heard you two fighting and I thought that I would make you two some tea, but I guess it's just us. We can share it, if you would like." She placed a mug in front of me, beside a boiling hot kettle.

"I hope we didn't wake you," I whispered, pulling the empty mug close to me. "I'm very sorry you had to hear that."

She gave a shrug and poured some of the water into his own mug that had the paper tag of a tea bag hanging from it. "Everyone fights, Rue." He handed me the box with the tea bags in it and i pulled one out with my thumb and forefinger, inspecting it before placing it in my cup. She giggled and I glanced up. "You do things funny."

"Does that bother you?" I asked hesitantly, as I poured my own steaming water and waited for the tea to steep.

"Not at all!" She gave me a bright smile and sat at the stool that was at the island. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

I took my own seat and took the paper tag, pulling my tea bag in circles across the bottom of the cup. "Sure," I replied, not meeting her eyes.

"Why were you two fighting about Kira?"

My hand froze and I looked up to see curious cola eyes gazing back at me. " Your father is in charge of the case."

"Mhm," she hummed, taking a small sip of her tea, testing the temperature.

"Light wanted to go back to Japan to help with the case," I lied. It was the closest that I could come to the truth. "And I-"

"Don't want him to go," Sayu interrupted me. She tipped her head to the side with a smile. "Are you afraid he'll forget about you?"

"What lead you to that conclusion?" I questioned, sipping at my own darkened liquid. I inhaled sharply at the bite on my tongue from the heat and quickly lowered my mug back to the countertop.

"You're not wearing your ring." She was observant. She was nowhere near as brilliant as Light, but she was in no way below average intelligence. "Did you give it back to him?" I didn't answer, just stirred my tea again. "You're afraid he won't come back."

Did I want him to come back? I wasn't sure. A part of me desperately wanted to take back everything, but the other part would be perfectly fine with never seeing that serial killer ever again.

"I wouldn't let that happen."

The words pulled my attention back up to her kind smile. "What? What?" i found myself asking softly.

"Because you make him happy. And I get to go to your wedding. So, duh! Of course I won't let you two break up!" Sayu took another sip of her tea and laughed. "He won't stay for long. If you know anything about my brother, it's that he's smart. He'll figure it out and be home before you know it."

"I told him I hated him, Sayu." Why was I telling her any of this? It was just more she could tell her father if she slipped up on accident. Or on purpose.

Her smile dropped slightly, but it quickly returned as she shrugged her shoulders. "He'll bounce back. He always does. And he knows you didn't mean it." There was a slight silence between us, but it didn't last long. "Who's Lawliet?"

I coughed on my sip of tea, the back of my hand going to my mouth. Were we that loud? "Just a coworker of Light's," I gasped out. Sayu tossed me a towel from where it hung on the oven door. I cleaned up the spilled tea, hoping that she would buy it.

"Oh." She clicked her tongue a few times. "A close coworker?"

"Not necessarily."

"So, no threesome or anything? Light made it sound like you were close."

If I had been drinking my tea, I'm sure I would have choked on it again. "No!" I blurted out, my cheeks going red.

She laughed brightly. "I'm only kidding. Jeeze. Calm down." It took a moment for her laughter to stop, but when it did, she didn't miss another beat. "Has Light ever mentioned anything about Detective L?"