Yeah, yeah. Have I given you all substantial time to hate me now? Don't worry, it will be a Bella/Edward story in the end. Just don't get your panties in a bunch. As per usual, bunches of thank-yous to my reviews.
Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own nausea-morning sickness my ass.
Enjoy! XOXO-Ka
Right Vs. Good
by: JudeOrion
Chapter Thirteen: Conversation Hearts
"Christmas time? You're sure?"
"Yes. Is that ok with you?"
"That's great! The only thing better would be if we already had it." Josh stroked my hair and I kissed his nose.
"What day were you thinking?"
"I don't know. I don't want to get up to look for a calendar." We were lying in his bed in the wee hours of morning the day school was to start back up, the Wednesday after Josh had proposed, discussing when everything would take place. Far too comfortable to be bothered with looking for a calendar.
"Do you want to have a big wedding with all the frills? Or something smaller?"
"Well…I don't want it to be huge. I didn't really have a wedding with Mike, you know. Something casual, not a big deal. I don't want to look like a big frosted cupcake."
He chuckled. "I don't see you as a cupcake, no. Inside, I'm guessing?"
"Yeah. I don't want everyone to be freezing."
"How about in the lodge up on Big Mountain?"
"The ski resort? Do they do weddings?"
"We can see, at least."
"That'd be really exp—" I was interrupted by my phone ringing on the nightstand next to me. I half-turned to grab it. Alice. "I'd better get this. She'll just keep calling."
He nodded. "I need to use the bathroom anyway." He got up and I sat against the headboard and flipped my phone open.
"Hello, Ali—"
"The lodge does weddings, but they're pretty spendy. Of course, for the small price of your best friend planning your wedding, that fee can be taken care of."
"Uh—hi?"
"Hi. What do you think?"
"Well…I would love for you to plan my wedding. But you don't have to pay for using the lodge. I'm sure Josh and I can come up with it."
"Consider it my present to you."
"Alice…"
"I won't hear any more of it. I'm coming over after school tomorrow to get started."
"I have to work at the diner."
"Um…Bella, about that…just trust me, I'll be at your house whenever you get home."
"What do you mean by that, Alice? What did you see?" Josh came into the bedroom; the sight of him naked was very distracting to my conversation.
"I can't tell you, Bella. I know it's not fair, but it's better if things just go on their own, ok?"
"Yeah…I guess. I'll see you later then."
"Bye!"
Josh ran his fingers over my thigh. I broke out in goosebumps. "What was that all about?" he asked.
"Oh, she wants to plan the wedding."
"You told her already?"
"Uh…yeah. She came over the other day, to help me sort my thoughts out."
"Hmm."
"What do you mean, 'hmm'?"
"Nothing. Just…Hmm. A random sound of…understanding."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Hmm."
He reached his fingers higher up my thigh and I pushed it away. "Come on. We need to sleep. I have to go to work in a few hours."
"I guess." Josh pulled me close to his chest and I fell asleep easily in his arms.
Halfway through my last-period class a delivery man came through my door with a huge bouquet of red roses. The kids wolf-whistled and jeered at me as I blushed profusely and smiled. Edward's eyes met mine and the hurt in them tore at my heart. Suddenly the flowers didn't make me feel so happy.
At the end of the horribly long day, Kimber hopped in my truck all smiles. She started bouncing in her seat as soon as I started the truck.
"Whoa, what's got you so happy?" I asked her.
"I got asked out on a date!"
"Really. That's great. With who?"
"Nelson."
"Nelson Hayes? From my first period class?"
"Yeah. I got another class with him an' we usually have lunch together with a couple of other people. He pulled me aside at the end of lunch an' asked me to go see that movie with the dancers this weekend. You know, the one with the old singer in it?"
"Cher?"
"Yeah. I think that's her name."
Wow. That doesn't make me feel old, not at all.
"That's great, Kimber. Do you think your grandma will let you?"
She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. "She don't notice I'm home enough to know if I'm goin' on a date."
"Things not going so well?"
She sighed hard and stared out the window. "When I were a kid she would take me out for ice cream an' to the show. We'd spend hours playing Scrabble an' stuff. I hated going home after being at Gran's, 'cause it was like a break from all the shit goin' on with my mom an' my brother. But now Gran don't even pay attention to me. I go home, she don't even say hi or ask how my day was. All she does is sit on the couch and watch TV and do her freaking knitting all day long. She used to cook these great meals every night for dinner, but I'm lucky if she makes an extra thing of ramen for me when she gets hungry. I don't get it and it's getting annoying." By the time she was finished with her rant we were parked in front of our apartment building. I patted her knee.
"Oh Kimber. I wish you'd said something earlier. You know you're always welcome at my place."
She looked up at me but didn't say anything.
"Really. If all you want to do is come over and sit around with me, feel free."
"Thanks, Bella. Maybe I'll come over tomorrow." She picked up her backpack and opened the door.
"That'd be great. I'll see you then."
"Ok. Um…thanks for listening."
"You're welcome. Bye."
"Bye." Kimber jumped down and trudged up the stairs and I headed to the restaurant. Josh had really had to cut my hours back so much that I may as well not be working. I didn't need the job anymore, it was more to put money in my savings account quickly, and it was nice to have something to do in the summer. Maybe I would quit at the diner and just teach while I was getting ready for the wedding. I arrived a bit early for my shift, so I had a quick smoke before I stepped inside.
Josh and Lynsey were the only people there, leaning against the front counter looking upset.
"Hey, guys. What's up?"
"Hi, Bella."
"Hey, sweetie."
"What's going on?" I came up to where they were standing and Josh wrapped an arm around my waist. He sniffed the air around me and wrinkled his nose but didn't say anything. I knew he didn't like me smoking.
"Gary came in about an hour ago and we had a talk. He says he needs to lay off a few people."
Gary was the owner of the restaurant, a tight-wound Scrooge who wouldn't know quality if it bit him in the butt.
"Oh. Let me guess. Since it's now known that you and I are together…"
"Yeah. I'm really sorry, Bells."
I shrugged. Stupid spineless ass. "I was just thinking about quitting anyway. I don't really need the job, it was just nice to have the extra cash and something to do when I wasn't teaching. I'm pissed that that's the reason, though. Oh no—he didn't lay you off too, did he?"
"Naw. He doesn't want to have to deal with training a new manager."
"Well we wouldn't want to leave lazy out of the long list of descriptions, would we?"
"Bella…c'mon, that's not nice."
"No, but it's the truth."
So this must have been what Alice was talking about earlier.
"And let me guess what else…no two weeks' notice either, right?"
"You could go to job services and file a complaint," Lynsey said. "That's what I'm doing. I have two kids to feed and my other job won't pay for crap. I don't have a choice but to go to job services."
"I could, but I was going to put in my notice today or tomorrow anyway, so it's not really a big deal, I guess."
"Yeah. I s'pose so. By the way, congrats on getting engaged. Oh! Before I forget—" Lynsey held out her hand expectantly to me. "Show it to me."
I put my left hand in hers and she studied the ring. "It's gorgeous. Good job, Josh."
"It was my great-grandmother's."
We three talked for a little while until Gary pulled up. "So what, is he going to be doing shifts now? He never laid a finger around here before."
"Yeah, that's his plan."
"I think I'm going to get going. I have a lot of schoolwork to do." I shrugged back into my coat and pecked Josh a kiss. "I'll see you later?"
"Yeah. Love you."
"You too. Bye, Lynsey."
"See ya, Bella. I'm going to stay and ream this coward out."
I chuckled as I left out the back door.
Sure enough, when I got home Alice's car was parked in the visitor section. She was standing by my door, scowling.
"You could have let yourself in, you know," I said as I unlocked the door.
"Your neighbor saw me coming up the stairs and has been spying on me ever since. I think she suspects I'm trying to get into your apartment and steal your things."
"Kimber didn't say anything?"
"I don't sense her in there." Alice shook her head.
"Huh." Weird. I let us into my apartment and poured myself a glass of water. Alice was at the coffee table, feet tucked under her as she shifted through the mounds of catalogues and magazines suddenly scattered in front of her.
"What's all this?" I asked as I sat down on the floor opposite Alice.
"Wedding planning stuff. Here, I got you a planner. We really should start thinking of everything. What flowers do you want? Because none of the florists around here are excellent. I mean, they're great for birthdays and valentine's day, but weddings, well, you want the really nice quality, and you have to have them ordered far in advance, and—"
"Alice! Whoa, whoa!" I laughed. "We've got almost a year to plan this thing, take it easy."
"Take it easy? Bella! It's only a year! There's so much to plan!"
"Fine. But I can't afford to order the fancy stuff. Hanson's Floral will be fine. That's who Josh used with my flowers." I'd left them at school, knowing I wouldn't have much time between school and my shift-that-should-have-been. I picked up a bridal magazine and flipped through it. It seemed mostly ads.
"Bella? Ok, just listen to me, don't get mad, all right?"
"What did you do?"
"Don't worry, I asked Carlisle and Esme first, and they said they would love to pay for the wedding, since you even said yourself they're like another set of parents. So don't worry about the cost, all right? Now, what do you think of this dress?"
"Alice! How could you!"
"Don't get mad at me, Bella, please. It's not that any of us don't think you could pay for it on your own, we know you could no problem. It's just something we want to do for you. Because we love you. Let us do this?" Her eyes got huge and she looked like she would cry if she could.
Frustrated as I was, I was a push over for Alice and she knew it. "Fine. Fine, but I want to have a budget. If you insist on paying for it, there needs to be a limit. None of this, 'don't worry about the price' crap. All right?"
"Deal! Now, the dress?" She shoved a catalogue at me.
Stupid damn vampire.
The weeks passed, and soon January turned into February. Alice and I were busy planning the wedding. We had decided on the colors, sage-green and a dark lavender; and the flowers, white lilies and lavender. After that, we agreed on nothing. Alice wanted a big to-do, since I hadn't had the chance with Mike. Although my wedding to Mike hadn't been grand, I still didn't want my wedding to Josh to rival that of the royal family's. More than once Jasper or Esme had had to tamp out the brush fires that started between us.
"Why can't we do bunting for the reception? It's elegant!"
"It's too much for me! You got the white carpet on the aisle, but this is where I draw the line!"
"If I take back the carpet, can I have the bunting?"
"No!"
"Alice, doll. Calm down." A wave of peace would wash out from Jasper and we would settle down long enough to say petulant apologies and take a break from planning. Rose popped in every now and then to give her opinion or chat or laugh at us arguing. I had asked her and Alice to be my bridesmaids. Nicky was going to be the ring bearer. Josh wasn't sure who he was going to ask to be his second groomsman; he wanted me to ask another friend to be a bridesmaid so he wouldn't have to choose between his two best friends along with his brother. I was thinking about asking Kimber.
I was spending most of my free time—now in abundance since I wasn't working at the diner—at the Cullens. Three or four days a week would find me coming home from work, doing schoolwork with Kimber, heading out to the Cullens—sometimes with her, and spending the rest of the evening there planning the wedding or just goofing off. Unfortunately it wasn't as relaxing as it once had been. Alice and Rose were supportive of the wedding, as was Esme. I knew the motives behind their approval—Alice and Esme were happy as long as I were happy, and Rose was glad I wouldn't be throwing away my life to become a vampire. Not that I would anyway, with Nicky. On top of Lone Pine it felt like it was only Edward and I in the world, no one else. Guilt ate at my stomach knowing how I had considered becoming a vampire, however fleeting the idea, without putting Nicky into the equation. I couldn't do that to him. No way in hell.
So while those three were supportive, I was getting mixed impressions on the others. Carlisle wasn't giving me a clear idea on how he felt about the whole thing, but I got the idea that he would have preferred I choose Edward, just because of his loyalty to his son. Jasper had always sort of kept out of things, and this time was no different. Emmett though—my big brother had not chosen my side this time. He kept to himself when I was over, not talking much or joking or being himself. Most of the time he spent with Edward. He had yet to tell me why he was being so solemn, but it was starting to get on my nerves.
Edward…he made himself scarce. I hadn't spoken to him since that day on the lookout, and he hadn't shown himself around the house while I was there. The only hint I got that he was ever at home was his form retreating to the forest whenever we started talking about wedding stuff. Even in school he wasn't himself, and his grades were slipping horribly. He obviously knew the material, I think he just didn't care a bit.
One Sunday in February found me arguing with my mom, who had gone to New York with Phil for Valentine's Day, about the wedding.
Again.
"Bella, honey, you haven't known him very long. Are you sure this is what you want? What if it ends up like what happened with Mike?"
"I'm not being forced to marry Josh this time, Mom." I held the phone in the crook of my neck and filled my iron with water.
"Don't take that tone with me, I told you you had a choice. It was his family that forced you to marry the selfish idiot."
"Look, I know what I'm doing, ok? Why can't you support me on this, Dad does!"
"I haven't even met the man!"
"We invited you over for Christmas, but you went to Phil's family's place." I plugged in the iron and let it heat up while I went to grab my blouse.
"You know it would have been too awkward being in your father's house."
I sighed hard. "Ok. Well…how about you make a trip out here soon?"
"Yeah?"
"Mom, don't sound so surprised. You're always welcome here, you know that."
"I'll ask Phil and call you tomorrow, Bella. I'll get to see my little Nicky again!"
"I know he'll be excited to see you too, Mom."
"All right sweetie, I'll call you tomorrow then."
"Tomorrow. Bye, Mom."
"Bye!"
So easy to turn my mom's tantrums around.
I hung up and scrubbed my hands over my face. I didn't even have Nicky this weekend. I wanted to see him so bad, but it was probably for the best. Monday—Valentine's Day—would have been Gracie's ninth birthday. I would probably be a wreck this whole weekend and he wouldn't have a clue why. I slumped down on the couch and tried to think of her. What we would be doing.
She'd definitely still be into horses. Before everything had happened, Mike and I agreed for her tenth birthday we would get Grace her own horse. Before everything happened we'd been in the process of selling our beautiful Victorian house in town and looking for a place out of town with more room. She would have probably begged me to go horseback riding this weekend, no matter how cold it was out. The events on her birthday was the same every year. I'd come into her room early in the morning (she was always up with the dawn, like me) and give her a tray of waffles with fruit and whipped cream, and we'd share a little box of conversation hearts. Nicky would come in and give his sister a bear hug and we would all have a story before it was time to get up. After school or in the evening she would beg to open her presents before dinner and Mike would give in to her stuck-out bottom lip, like always. He was such a sap for her. After presents and dinner and cake, Grace would get to pick a movie and the kids would end up falling asleep in the living room.
Except the last year. One drastic difference. I broke the camera. I dropped it down the stairs on my way to make Grace's birthday breakfast and the lens cracked. Mike and I got into a fight before the kids got up and were mad at each other all day. We had no pictures of her last birthday. Her last special day.
I stood in the living room a few minutes, staring at the picture of the kids on the shelf. Then I pulled my jacket on, started the truck and headed to the cemetery. The driving paths were cleared of snow but I still had to trudge through the slushy stuff it to Grace's plot. Her headstone was cleared of snow and I traced my fingers over the engraved numbers and letters. GRACE RENEE NEWTON. FEBRUARY 14 2002—JULY 4 2008. BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER, WONDERFUL SISTER. On the back there was a quote from a poem I found years ago: If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again. Her headstone was beautiful, a pale pink stone, rounded up top, with her picture above her name.
I stood for a few minutes at her grave when I heard a car pull up. It was Mike's dark blue Lexus. He saw me from across the other graves and nodded, then started making his way through the snow to me.
"Hi."
"Hi." Mike cleared his throat.
"Where's Nicky?"
"With my aunt. She came back up for the weekend."
Mike walked the ring around Grace's grave that I had done minutes prior. He came back to stand next to me.
"Didn't expect you to be here," I broke the silence.
"Why's that?"
"You haven't been here since they put in the headstone."
"Yeah. But I just got an urge to today. Sorry if I'm intruding on something. I can leave…"
"No. Stay. It's fine."
He blew out a visible breath. "I can't believe she would have been nine tomorrow."
"I know. It's surreal. It's like it happened yesterday, but at the same time—"
"An eternity ago, I know." A tear fell down my cheek. More followed. Mike lifted his hand to my eyes and wiped my tears away. I looked at him, surprised.
"Don't cry, Bella. I always hated it when you cried." He pulled a little packet of tissues out of his jacket and handed me some. I dabbed at the tears.
"Why are you being so nice to me?" I asked. He just smiled at me.
"Do you remember her fifth birthday?"
"Yeah?"
"Remember she insisted on everybody wearing glitter?" he laughed. I chuckled along with him.
"The shower looked like the scene of a Disney princess crime for a week."
"And the cake?"
"Oh, yeah, she wanted that edible glitter on it, too." We were laughing hard by that point. When we calmed ourselves I couldn't stop my chin from shivering in the cold.
"You…uh, want to go get a coffee? I'd like to talk with you a bit more." Mike looked apprehensive.
"Um, yeah. Sure. Where at?"
"How about that place inside the bookshop?"
"Ok. I'll meet you there." He nodded and motioned for me to go first through the little path of snow we had made.
Once we were settled at a round table in squishy chairs drinking our coffee, Mike started talking.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"About what?"
"About what happened with us…after Grace…was found." To this day he couldn't say she died. Something inside him could not physically say it.
"Oh." My voice became steely and I crossed my arms across my chest.
"Don't get all closed off, Bella. I know you have every right to be pissed at me, but I need you to hear me out right now, ok? Please?" I nodded, grudgingly. "Thank you. Ok. First—I know I was an ass. Of monumental proportions. That's putting it mildly, I know. I apologize."
What? Had the words "I apologize" come out of Mike Newton, the famous lawyer's mouth? Surely not.
"I was bitter about what happened to Gracie and I took it out on the nearest target—you. I shouldn't have, and I'm very sorry. I know I ruined a lot for you because of it. It was all out of spite because of her. I don't believe you are a bad mother. I know you did more for our family than I ever did and I never appreciated it until you were gone. Again, I'm sorry." He took a sip of his coffee—regular latte with two sugars, I could still remember what kind he liked after two years—and crossed his arms, leaning against the table toward me. "Second—Nicky is a good kid because of you. Don't doubt it, whatever I've said in the past. If it had been only me raising him, he would be a little shit by now." We both snickered.
"I want you to know, I never…I never blamed you for what happened to Grace. Not really. I know I said it when the trial was going on, and that's where it counted, and for that I am a horrible person. It doesn't matter for anything now, but for what it's worth I never believed you were responsible. She…she knew better than to go in the water."
I winced, knowing what really happened, but said nothing.
"I—I have…" he rummaged around in his briefcase, which he brought around with him more religiously than I carried about my laptop. He pulled some papers out. "I have these. They're the time limits…for visitation for Nicky. I want us to go to a judge to see if they can get changed. I want you to be able to take Nicky whenever you want. I mean, obviously since he doesn't go to school here, it would have to be during the weekends, but if you want him two weekends in a row, I want you to have him. If he has a Friday or a Monday off and you want to take him for an extra day, go for it. And during the summer, too, for more than every other weekend and then that one week. Do you want me to do that?"
"You have to ask?" I was crying again, but this time they were happy tears. Mike pulled more tissues out of his pocket.
"Women. You're always so weepy." Mike never did learn how to handle a crying woman. "And…I thought you should know. Amanda's moving out. She gave me back the engagement ring…well, threw it at me, actually. So, we're not getting married."
"Oh. Ok." Outside I tried to be non-emotional. Inside I was jumping with joy. Nicky wouldn't have an evil step-mother after all!
"And…judging by the look of things, the opposite could be said for you."
"Huh?"
He looked at my left hand and back to my face. I looked at my hand. Oh, right, I had a ring on it. Would you lookit that.
"Yeah. Josh asked me on New Year's."
"I'm surprised Nicky hasn't said anything to me."
"Uh…that's because I hadn't told him yet. I was actually going to next weekend. Don't say anything to him, ok? I want Josh and I to be the ones to tell him. Please?"
"Sure. My lips are sealed."
We chatted for a bit longer, then agreed that Mike would call me once he set up an appointment with the lawyer—on my schedule, this time—and said our good-byes.
I couldn't think of a better present to remember Gracie's birthday.
The next morning I woke with a determination not to have a break down. It was a school day, and I couldn't afford to miss it. I'd already planned it out to make today an easy day: in my Senior and Junior classes the week before I had assigned a project that would be due Wednesday, today would be a work day for that. For the underclassmen, depending on which period it was, they would either get a free reading day or a movie of the book we had just finished. So it should be a pretty non-thinking day.
At the risk of sounding like Forrest Gump, my mother always said how confident you feel the whole day depends on how you look when you step out the door. So I decided to dress in the ultimate confidence-inducing outfit. I picked a pink silk ruffle-sleeved shirt (hey, it was Valentine's Day, after all) and paired it with a black leather pencil skirt. A little risqué, I know, but Sara Gottlieb, one of the German teachers constantly wore shirts that screamed for her male students to motorboat her, so I figured I could get away with a little leather. Besides, Alice would be thrilled that I wore something I'm sure she never expected me to from the shopping trip to Spokane so long ago. I fastened a jingly leather charm bracelet around my wrist and a leather choker with a funky rhinestone front clasp around my neck. Simple black pumps pulled the look together and I pulled the front part of my hair back with clips. I knew I looked good, I felt confident, and I hadn't even shed a tear so far this morning. So far, so good.
Kimber's jaw dropped open when she opened her door at a quarter to eight.
"Holy…wow," she said on our way downstairs.
"What?" I started the truck and it sputtered. I really needed to get a good car…
"You look hot. I never thought I'd see you wearing anything like that."
"Thank you." We stopped for our usual coffee and made our way to school. As per usual, when I got up to my classroom, Alice was gabbing Kimber's ear off, bouncing excitedly. When she saw me she squealed.
"Oh wow, you look awesome! You finally wore it!"
"Yeah, yeah. Just settle down, ok?"
"What in the world inspired you to wear this?" she perched herself on the edge of my desk as I set up my laptop.
"I needed a boost of confidence today."
"Why?"
I took a deep breath. "Today would be Grace's ninth birthday." My voice only cracked. My throat didn't get a lump lodged in it, I didn't cry. Good. This might be easier than I thought.
"Oh." Her voice was quiet. "What did you do last year?"
"I holed myself up in my apartment and basically went comatose."
"Nice improvement."
"I think so, yes. Will you lift your butt, you're on my papers."
"Sorry!"
The day went by pretty smoothly; I was able to occupy my down time with reading and managed not to think much. The last bell rang and I gave myself a figurative pat on the back. I'd done it. My confidence soared.
"Bella." Edward had stayed behind.
"Oh. Hi. What's up?" What could Mr. Avoidance want?
"I just wanted to make sure you're well. I know what today is."
"Oh. I'm fine. Yeah. Thank you."
He nodded. "You spoke with Mike yesterday. Alice saw it—I was in the room. Couldn't help but overhear. I wanted to ask—to make sure he wasn't unkind toward you."
"Uh, yeah. He wanted to apologize for all the crap that happened after Gracie died. And he's going to see what he can do about getting me unlimited time with Nicky—within reason, of course."
Edward smiled genuinely, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "That's wonderful. I'm very happy for you."
"Thank you." I cleared my throat and shrugged my old jacket on. "So…why are you talking to me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Every time I'm at your place you avoid me like the plague. What's with the sudden change of heart?"
"I don't mind speaking to you, I enjoy it. I just don't wish to be around when you're talking about the wedding preparations. I hope you understand."
"I do." We both chuckled awkwardly at the unintended pun.
"Well—my siblings are waiting for me at the car. I should go."
"Yeah. See you."
"Good-bye." Edward left, his coat swishing behind him. I exhaled a long breath of relief. Hoped we were making progress, at least.