A/N: Okay, so my hands basically shook while I was writing this, just because… It wraps things UP! UP, I tell you! And God knows we need this, the plot's been as thick as my big brother's head for a while now! (That was unavoidable. If you knew my brother, you'd understand. XD) Anyway, my darlings, read on…
14: That Place Inside You
She is dead. Jigsaw knows it the second Lawrence stumbles through the door, with both hands left but blood splattered over him nonetheless.
Amanda is dead. Her legs are the only part of her showing through the door, he doesn't even get to see her hand, slim fingers and black nail polish, he knows it even though he can't see it, even though the box that it lays in is painted in a thick, morbid red.
He knows it even though he didn't see it on the cameras. His eyes had been stuck on the door, waiting with an almost childish longing for Lawrence's scream, the one that had haunted him through his dreams, the one he'd never been able to forget because it was still heard, Lawrence was still alive even though he'd broken the rules.
He broke the rules this time, too. Jigsaw saw it with a mental eye.
Saw how Lawrence slowly laid his eyes on Amanda's face.
How a moment of realization washed over him.
How he didn't regret it at all. Not even after he'd grabbed her hand, his nails were short but still dug into her wrist, not even after she'd shuddered as the last breath of life dropped from her lips in a burning gasp, didn't manage to make another sound before she dropped to the floor, dead before the locks turned.
Lawrence broke the rules this time.
And Jigsaw feels nothing, he feels even less than he usually does, he'd never be able to do this if he had emotions, but he still knows that he won't let him get away this time, too.
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Adam isn't sure how it happens.
There's this brief moment when he feels, without knowing why, a life disappearing right in front of him, though he can't see it, a fire going out, grief striking the world and no one even knows it. And then mechanisms clicking, handles turning, a gust of cold humidity when the door opens, pale face appearing in a black chink, two dark holes for eyes.
It's like a moon.
And then straight into Lawrence's arms.
Straight into a strong embrace, sweat that's now cold and clammy, but Adam doesn't care, he bores his face into the blue, dirty shirt, his sobs bounce back to him on the chest he's clinging to, a heart beats against his cheek and it's Lawrence's, Lawrence is here, he's here, he's here now, he'll make everything okay, he'll take the warm, safe doctor-hands and fix everything, fix everything that Jigsaw broke and fix Adam's broken heart, stitch up the wounds, give back everything that was taken away from him and ruined their relationship long after it had disappeared.
Lawrence is here. He's here now. And he sobs into Adam's hair, he clutches to his frail shoulders and that makes the cuts sting, but Adam doesn't care about that, either, most of his energy goes to keeping his head above the water and listen to what Lawrence mumbles, rambles in a desperate stream of words.
"Adam I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I let those fucking bastards take you I'm so sorry, I'll take you home now, I'll take you home, you'll be home soon... You'll be home, my dear, dear, beloved Adam..."
Adam nods silently, impatiently, because Lawrence is being stupid.
He says it like Adam's ever going to leave him, ever again
"I love you."
The second time he says it. It hasn't gotten any easier, but that's okay. It'll be okay now.
"I love you so fucking much..."
It feels like Lawrence tightens his grip on his shoulders. But maybe it's just in his head.
"I love you so much and I never told you, and..."
Pause. He's not sure what he wants to say. It's just his heart that is.
"And I made you go through all this shit again, and I'm so sorry, Lawrence, I'm so sorry I did this to you, I'm so sorry that I never told you, I should've told you every day, because I loved you every day, I should've... I do love you, man, you know I do, I just..."
God, his throat almost hurts. Why does he rush it so much? He'll have time to tell him later. Neither one of them are going to die here, he knows that. And Lawrence seems to do, too, because he nods, Adam senses it against his skull, and takes Adam's head away from his chest.
Adam doesn't want him to do that. When he actually has to look at Lawrence's face, it's way too obvious that it's drifting in and out, that it's the only real thing in a darkness that's closing in on them both, like one living body in a lake of lost souls.
Yes. The darkness is closing in on them.
They can't run from it anymore. They're going to have to face their demons here.
Beat them. Finally. Or let them destroy the love that they created without even meaning to.
But in the meantime, it's way too obvious that despite what Adam tells himself, it's not that certain that neither one of them will die here. And it's hard to fight with that thought in mind.
"I know you love me," Lawrence says and takes Adam's head between his hands, light and life glows from his palms, streams into Adam's face. "And I love you, too, Adam, I always have and I always will, and we're going to get out of here, I'm going to take you... Home, I'll..."
A desperate sob.
Don't go away. Don't go away now.
Lawrence opens his mouth again.
"Everything's going to be okay. I meant it the last time. And I mean it now. I do."
Adam nods.
He's right. He has to be right.
"I always loved you."
Pause.
"I just wanted to say... That. Again. In case we don't..."
Lawrence shakes his head violently before Adam even manages to finish the sentence. He talks again while he unbuckles the belts around Adam's arms, and Adam sighs in relief when his hands are free again, even though it feels like thousands of evil little pins stick into his wrists where the belts used to be.
"Don't say that, Adam. I'll get us out of here. And we'll go home, and we'll find a place where we want to be, and everything we'll be okay, we can live there for the rest of our lives and... And it'll be ours."
Lawrence laughs. It doesn't sound like him, Adam gets scared.
"It'll be ours, Adam! Our home! We'll find a home, where no one can reach us, and all this... All this can just run after us all it wants, but it'll never find us... Adam... Adam..."
His name is a prayer. Keeps him alive. And only that. Lawrence presses his lips to Adam's forehead, almost violently, before he kneels down and unbuckles the belts around his legs, too, and that's not that much of a relief, but Adam still sobs again, barely notices the tears streaming down the face, the blood that's dried and that which is still running, both from his body and from Lawrence's.
He's tired. He's so tired.
This whole day has just been a dark, damp, misty hopelessness, and in one way, it feels so good when his whole body surrenders, gives up with a heavy sigh, it's been a long day and he's finally allowed to fall back into a soft mattress, drift into Lawrence's warmth, feel one hand on his cheek and another one on his hip.
It feels so good. But Lawrence doesn't seem to think so, because when he straightens up and sees Adam's eyelids sliding down, he grabs his shoulder, shakes him, he even slaps him loosely, and Adam grunts in annoyance. Why the hell can't he sleep?
"Adam!" Lawrence shouts, his voice is laced with plea, and Adam moans tiredly. "Adam, stay with me!"
Without really thinking, Lawrence jabs his index finger into one of Adam's wounds, and his heart retracts in a remorseful ache when he sees Adam jolt and whimper, his eyes are still running, he doesn't need any more pain, but he's still pleased that he's awake now.
Adam can't die in here. None of them will, but if one of them should, it should be Lawrence.
Adam is strong. He can fight the demons if he doesn't kill them now.
But if Lawrence doesn't have Adam next to him, he won't be able to fight anything. And the demons will keep on living. Destroy everything he loves. Like they hadn't destroyed enough.
And now, they seem to want to destroy something more.
Because now, Lawrence sees a dark shape that he, in a brief moment of complete bliss, had forgotten was there, rising up next to him.
And he gets so scared that he drowns, so scared that he sees everything from the bottom of a dirty, freezing ocean, fumbles for a hole in the ice so he can get up, breath, finally breath after holding breath for a whole day, but not find anything.
Jigsaw. There's no light in the room, and he's wrapped in his cloak, looks more like a skull then ever.
The only living thing about him seems to be the glistening knife in his hand.
"Doctor Gordon."
A voice from beyond the grave.
"Congratulations. You got here. You freed your lover. But you broke the rules."
From beyond the grave, but still fills the entire room.
"So you'll be pleased to know that Adam will get away. But you, having learned nothing, still sacrificing others to save your own skin, still being focused on the things you love, which are mainly yourself, will be left in this room to rot."
And the knife is raised. Raised against him.
Lawrence tries to open his mouth, but there's no use. He's still under water, he only gets colder when it fills his lungs, only loses a bit more of his life, and everything else seems to happen in slow motion.
He doesn't even hear the obvious 'game over' from that voice. The dead voice.
And maybe the reason he doesn't hear it is because suddenly, he's sure, actually sure that he won't die today. That the voice would be wrong if it said that.
Because before he manages to grasp the situation, before Lawrence even manages to get why, Jigsaw lets go of the knife, the color seems to leave his eyes like someone's drained them with a needle, his mouth opens wide, and with a cracking sound, as Lawrence realizes with a wave of nausea rushing through his body, Jigsaw's entire lower jaw falls from his head, lands on the floor with the sharp pang! of a porcelain bowl filled with pearls cracking, the teeth break and scatter over the floor.
But Adam doesn't stop shooting. Because the gun is in his hand, not in Lawrence's anymore, Adam hasn't even gotten up, but he shoots, and Lawrence gets scared when he sees that, because that's not Adam, it's a person with his face and his body but not with his eyes, it's someone who has eyes black with pure, unconditional hatred, dark slits on his pale face and tears gleaming in them but not falling, not falling because Adam isn't sad. He wants to do this, he's wanted it since Jigsaw stood up a year ago and told him that the game was over.
But the game wasn't over. The game will never be over.
If this is what Jigsaw has turned Adam into, the game will never be over.
Because even if Lawrence doesn't hear it unless he really pays attention, unless he really tries to hear the desperate undertone in the gun that keeps shooting-shooting-shooting, Adam's screaming is still there. And it's too spiteful to come from someone as wonderful as him.
If Jigsaw has turned Adam into something that the purpose of the game is to keep him from being, the game will never be over. Jigsaw will keep playing with Adam and with Lawrence, and that will be no matter how many times Adam shoots him.
They can fight their demons. But the demons have already won.
"Die!"
That's what Adam screams. Nothing else. He screams that and keeps pulling the trigger, over and over, long after Jigsaw has fallen into a heap on the floor and only dead blood sprays uninterestedly from the places where the bullet lands.
"Die! Die! Die! Die!"
Adam screams. Screams and shoots until long after the bullets are gone and Jigsaw is dead, he's dead and he will never bother them again, but even from beyond the grave does he have the power to make Adam's eyes spill over again, his shoulder shake, one single sob to drop from his chest before he falls forward, onto the floor and onto Lawrence's lap.
And after that, the slow motion breaks. And as a contrast, everything happens really fast.
Lawrence doesn't even check if Adam has a pulse before he lifts his limp upper body from his legs, spots the cell phone about a feet away, he must've dropped it in his excitement to see Adam again, crawls over to it and dials a number while he heaves himself back to Adam, lays his head in his lap again, places one hand on his cheek, feels breath brushing over his thumb when he draws it over Adam's lips.
He would've called them earlier, but Amanda would've shot him, he knows that. But it doesn't matter, because Adam may be unconscious, but he is alive, and he's a survivor, he suffered through years of silent hatred, and then six hours of misery that wasn't silent at all, and then another year of seeing someone he loved more than anything in this world without being able to tell him. He went through all of that, fuck if he won't be able to handle some cuts in his arms.
Especially now, when the man who caused at least half of all that is gone forever. Even if they haven't really beaten him.
Adam won't die now, because Lawrence knows that even in his unconsciousness, he doesn't want to miss what their life will be like from now on.
A voice answers. Lawrence clears his throat, and says, without taking his eyes from Adam's face or even bothering to try to keep the tears out of his voice:
"My name is doctor Lawrence Gordon. Get an ambulance here quick, please, there are two dead people here, two severely hurt."
YAY! I know it's the ultimate sin for any Saw fan to say this, but killing Jigsaw was… Ah, heaven… Anyway, even though the plot has thinned out now, please review, and I'll wrap it up!