I tried to regain my wits, and get hold of the burning desire that seemed to be making its way through my entire body. I could not do this to Jeff, I could not do this to Dwayne. No matter what happened in the past I would not repeat the same mistakes again.

I took a deep breath, fighting back the urge to keep moaning at the satisfying feeling of Jeff's hands rubbing up and down my back. "No," I said weakly shaking my head and pushing Jeff back a bit. I needed space from him to clear my head. "I can't do this Jeff."

"You seemed to be enjoying," he said still breathing heavy. His eyes were clouded over, and his expression was one of pure lust and desire.

"I'm not doing this to him Jeff. And I won't lead you on like that."

"Oh but you could do it to me? What stopped you from sleeping with him when you were with me?" He seemed to be switching personalities again. He was no longer the sweet laid back Jeff that I had known for years. Here standing before me once more was the raging monster that I did not recognize. Or did I? As much as he wanted to be angry at my rejection there was more behind his piercing gaze.

"You're hurt," I said simply. It was not a question, or a comment. It was the plain and simple truth. "I see it in you Jeff, you can't hide from that. The truth is that you kept me from sleeping with Dwayne that night. I knew you were upstairs waiting for me and it ate me alive. When I tried to tell you about what happened I just couldn't. I saw you there sleeping with Geannie. You looked like you wanted to be her father more than anything."

"That's because I did. I was so happy when she was born. I thought that she would be the most important thing in our lives. I thought that we would be happy as a family. Of course Shane would be around for her, and I wouldn't interfere. But I saw that little girl as mine. Part of me still does," he finished quietly. He had never before admitted that to anyone, and I could see the defeated look in his eyes as he went back and sat on the couch.

I sighed and followed him. This was the conversation that we had never had. This was the truth that I had wanted to tell him for years. "I saw your face that night and I knew I couldn't break your heart. I knew that you were more in love with me than I could ever be with you. You lay there next to me telling me how you loved me. You thought I was asleep but I heard you. I just stayed awake hoping that I could find some way to make it better. I wanted to stay with you Jeff, I really did. I wanted to be able to love you the way you had loved me. I thought that if I stayed around long enough maybe I could learn to love you." I wanted to end the conversation, and just leave it at that. I was remembering how hard it had been, on the both of us, the very next day. But part of me knew that if I didn't relive that one day, we would be caught in the same loop of anger and regret. I had no more energy to keep going the way we were so I take one more deep sigh and continued on trying to keep control of my emotions. "You were always so wonderful to me, and I didn't know what to say. I cried to Steve the next morning telling him that as much as I loved Dwayne I did not want to hurt you. I had no clue what to say, or what to do, I just knew that I had to figure something out."

"But for me to find out the way that I did." For the first time since sitting down on the couch I turned to look at Jeff. He looked worn out and older than his age. The stress of the entire situation seemed to age him ten years as I looked upon the havoc I had wreaked inside of him. His head still hung between his arms and legs. And I had trouble believing that the man sitting next to me was truly Jeff Hardy.

"That was not my choice Jeff. That was Dwayne being extremely rude and selfish. I called him on it and as you know we didn't talk for a long while after that. If I could take that back I would Jeff. It just doesn't change the fact that we wouldn't be together. Whether it was a week later or six months later, it would have ended either way."

"But I loved you Kay, I still love you. Why isn't that enough for you?"

"Jeff, you are enough for me, in fact I probably don't deserve someone as great as you. The problem is that I am not enough for you. What I can give you is not enough for a relationship to work. I loved our friendship, and how open and candid we were with each other. That is what I miss most between us."

"Then what was that, at the door, between us," he waved a hand to the door and shook his head before giving me one more piercing stare.

"I'm not exactly sure, but I know that it wasn't love. We've always had a connection between us, a physical one, it just came out I guess."

"So even after all of that you're telling me that you don't love me?"

I shook my head and put my hand on his leg. "No, I'm saying I'm not in love with you."

Jeff nodded and stood. "I really should go now. I have my answer."

"Jeff," I called before he could open the door. "Are we ok? I mean you and me we- we can still be friends right?" I asked nervously. The thought of losing him after finally getting him to open back up to me was excruciating. I was terrified that there would be nothing more to do than cut him out of my life completely.

"Maybe one day. I just need some time." He gave me a small smile that he couldn't quiet pull off all the way and slipped out the door.

I sighed and slumped down on the couch feeling my body drain of energy. My emotions had gotten the better of me; and keeping them inside for most of the conversation had worn my body out. I knew that Dwayne would be worrying about me until I called him and told him everything. The thought of telling him exactly what happened with Jeff was more than I could handle at the moment. Just the thought of seeing him wild eyed and completely livid made me exhausted. I knew that even if I wanted to go and fall into Dwayne's arms I needed time to recover. There was too much flying through my mind, and most of it was still barely processed. All that Jeff had said to me still bounced around my head causing the guilt to rise up. I wondered why he hadn't just told me everything before things got this bad. At the same time I cursed myself for not seeing exactly how badly I had damaged him. Jeff was always there for me, even if he didn't agree with my actions, or words. When he walked away at the airport was the first time that he had ever turned his back on me. I knew that he was hurt, and angry, I just was completely unsure of how to right all the wrong that I had done to him. Even after nearly three years of him not being in my life, I still yearned to see him smiling and waiting for me at every arena. I missed sitting with him on planes, and having late night dinners. Jeff was privy to more personal information about me than anyone else I knew. And now it seemed that our relationship may have been permanently destroyed.

I sighed and slipped into my pajamas turning off my phone. I did not want any more interruptions from the rest of the world. I was worn and tired, and had lost my best friend. I wanted to crawl into the hotel bed and hide under the covers until I was needed the next day. But even after I was under the covers I could not bring myself to fall asleep. My mind was racing with some of the things that Jeff had said. My skin was still hot from where he had held on to me, and touched me. As tired as my body was between my match and the talk with Jeff, my mind was unwilling to let me sleep. My thoughts stayed with Jeff, and the picture I had of him looking so tired and worn out. Life on the road was hell and could bring even the strongest people to their knees begging for a reprieve. And as Jeff sat on the couch next to me I could see the stress of this life wearing him thin. I could see the pieces that he had tried so hard to hold together start to crack all over again. He was heading for the breakdown that he should have had when we had first parted ways. I could see in his eyes the pain that he was experiencing. It seemed like it was having more of an effect on him than anyone knew. After years of masking every other emotion that he had with that of pain, Jeff was finally ready to feel something else. But now I felt guilty; I had done this to him, I was the cause of this whole mess between us. We seemed to be worlds apart now, and no matter how hard I tried to close the gap between us, Jeff kept the distance between us. This night was the first night that he had touched me in any other way besides grabbing hold of my arm and dragging me somewhere. He was warm and gentle, everything I had remembered him to be. For a minute or two I had my Jeff Hardy back. I saw a glimpse of my dearest friend before he retreated back into his shell. As much as I wanted to blame him I couldn't. I was the one who put him there, I was the reason that he had withdrawn into himself in the first place.

A frantic knocking at the door tore me away from my train of thought. I thought about ignoring it completely, far too comfortable in the bed to want to get out; but the knocking and worried voice calling my name told me that I needed to get it.

"I'm coming," I called out to get the constant pounding to stop. "I'll be right there," I called once more realizing that there would be no stopping the banging. "Look here I am, what's the big emergency?" I asked swinging open the door standing face to face with Steve.

"I thought you might need a friendly voice, someone to talk to." Steve looked around me and motioned inside the room. "Think I can come in, or are you going to leave your big brother standing out here looking foolish?"

"Come on in Steve," I said laughingly moving aside so he could walk in. "So what are you doing here? It's pretty late; I thought you'd be asleep by now old man."

"Watch who you're calling old man Kay. Besides I have a very reliable source that says you've had an interesting night and could use some company while you sort it through."

"Did Dwayne tell you something?"

"Nope, Rocky's got nothing to do with it. He's in his room wondering why your phone is off, and you haven't gone to see him."

I groaned and sat down on the couch. This was what I didn't want to deal with at the time. There was too much to explain, and no right way to go about explaining it all. "I know he is, but I can't deal with him tonight Steve. I've already gone through too much with Jeff."

"I know you have baby, that's why I told Dwayne that you'd be seeing him in the morning."

"Wait you did what? How do you know about my night with Jeff? Steve why are you even here?" I suddenly realized that this man knew too much even when I hadn't been the one to say a word to him.

"Well that's a kinda funny story."

"Spill it, old man."

"I'm telling you Kay watch who you're calling old man. I'm just as strong as I was twenty years ago."

"Yeah, Steve in your little fantasy world maybe. Now come on tell me what's going on here," I paused and emphasized the last two words. "old man."

Steve laughed and shook his head sitting next to me. "Before I tell you that, I just need to ask you one question. How you feeling Kayla? Are you holding up ok after all of this?"

My first initial reaction was to say yes. It was always to say yes. No one needed to know if I was feeling stressed, or hurting. I would be able to hold myself together. It's what my brain always told me whenever someone asked how I was coping. The only problem was that my heart swelled with guilt, and pain. I knew that if I didn't talk to someone I would wind up brawling backstage once more. And as great and personal with the boss may be, I knew that it would cost me my job.

"I'm not really sure. I know that I'm not going to lose it again. But I also know that I feel terrible. I am so afraid that Jeff is going to walk out of my life again. And as weird as it is I want him here. Even if we are fighting every day, at least he's here. At least I can see him and speak to him in some way. I know that I hurt him, and things can't just fix themselves, I just want him back."

"In what way?" Steve asked me.

"My friend, I want my friend back. We've been friends for years, and I can't make sense of my life without him. There's just this big gaping hole in me, and he's the one that fills it."

"Well I think there is your problem. He's over the moon in love with you Kay, and it's not hard to know why. I've been so protective of you all these years because I knew what would happen. Your electric Kay, everything about you is stunning and fun to be around. People don't just get one small dose of you and walk away, they want more. You make people happy whenever you are with them. Jeff fell in love with that spirited, high flyer, and he can't just turn it off. He isn't going anywhere sweetie he just needs his time to get over you."

"Steve you just used his real name not 'skittle head', or 'rainbow headed freak', you actually called him Jeff."

"Well don't get used to it. Rainbow bright there still isn't on my list of favorite people if you know what I mean."

I laughed, only Steve could be sensitive one moment, and then become the tough red neck the next moment. "Yes Steve I know what you mean. You still haven't told me the story of how you fell privy to this information. I answered your question now answer mine old man."

"Fair enough, but no more calling me old man."

"I promise," I held up my hand and smirked. "Old man."

Steve growled something that I couldn't quite understand before smiling and telling me what had happened.

"Well imagine my surprise when I hear all this banging on my hotel room door in the middle of the night. Now you know I'm not one to be woken up." I nodded my head, Steve was dangerous when woken up from a sound sleep. "So I'm ready to pound the first person I see for getting me out of bed. And I swing open the door ready to bloody whoever is on the other side. Only I stop because there's this head of colorful hair in front of me. I'm so surprised by him being at my door that without realizing it my mouth slips and I call him 'skittle head' before I can stop myself. He gives me this sad laugh and asks to come in. Oh don't worry I was just as confused as you are at Rainbow Bright, himself, showing up at my door," Steve said looking at my expression which must have shown the extreme amount of confusion I was feeling. "I let him because I figure, if I have to kill him, at least I can do it in private."

"Steve as amusing as this is, can we get to the point?"

"The point is he told me what happened between the two of you. He told me that you'd need someone to lean on right now. He's worried about you, just like you're worried about him. That boy feels pretty bad about everything that happened between the two of you. He has to if he risked coming to see me about it."

"Why did he risk it?" I asked. I was so stunned by what Jeff had done. There was never a time when Steve was every friendly or inviting in any way. "He knows that you honestly don't like him."

"Yeah there's just something about all that hair, and all those different colors, I'll never understand it." Steve trailed off and stared into space beginning to think over why Jeff's hair was the way that it was; trying to see if he could try to gain even a fraction of understanding about it.

"Steve back on track."

"Oh right, why did he do it? Because he loves you Kay, it's pure and simple. No matter what happened between the two of you tonight, he knows that you did the right thing. He just wishes that he could be the one to always make you happy."

"Are you getting soft on me in your old age Steve? You actually took a liking to Jeff."

"Not a chance on earth or in hell I took a liking to that kid. I just see where's he's coming from that's all. He threw himself at my feet, and begged forgiveness for his stupidity, and begged me to drag myself over here to talk to you."

"Whatever you say old man. The only thing that I can't seem to wrap my head around is trying to explain to Dwayne everything that happened."

"You know that you are going to have to. I asked Jeff if he was going to talk to Rocky, he said no, that was your job. Told me the only reason he talked to me was to make sure that I came over here and made sure you were alright."

"I know that I need to. I just don't know how to go about it. There is so much bad blood between him and Jeff, one mention of him and Rocky's blood is already boiling."

"Kay I suggest that you get it over with now, before you talk yourself out of it."

I nodded my head and stood up. Steve was right. If I waited till morning I would find some reason to not tell Dwayne what happened. I had to talk to him while I was crazy enough to actually go through with it.

"You are right, so out you go. Get yourself back to bed and rest those old bones." I left the room behind Steve who was still muttering some curses under his breath about me calling him old all night.

I made my way down to Dwayne's room not really thinking about what I was doing. I couldn't think about it, or I would back out. He needed to know the truth, he deserved to know what happened between Jeff and I. I felt as if I had aged a decade in a matter of moments as I stood in front of Dwayne's door. I stood there and stared at the door, still not sure that I could actually have this conversation after the already draining evening I had. But I thought about Jeff. If he had been a big enough man to go to my brother, who abhorred him, I could go to Dwayne.

"You can do this Kay, you can do this. This is the only night that you'll be able to do this. Knock just knock. All you have to do is put your fist to the door. You can do it," I took a deep breath ready to knock when the door swung open and my fist collided with Dwayne's chest.

"Oh Rocky, sorry, I was just about to knock when you opened the door."

"Kay, baby, I was just going to go to your room to see you. What happened? You said a few minutes it's been hours. I was so worried. Why did you turn of your phone? Why didn't you call me? Did he do anything to upset you?"

"Whoa Rocky, easy boy, I can only answer one question at a time."

"Right sorry, so what happened?"

"Let's go inside and we'll talk. There's a lot that I need to tell you."