Author's Note:
Sorry this chapter is so short! I haven't been able to concentrate much. It isn't just this story suffering; all of my other work is taking a hit. Hope everyone is enjoying the story so far. Please continue review if you feel comfortable, I love hearing your guys' feedback!
Ben tapped a pen against his desk as he tried to concentrate on math exercises. It was a losing proposition, which was not good. Math was not one of the subjects he could just skate by in. Sure, classes didn't start again for another few days, but he wanted to be ahead. He wished he could say he didn't know what was distracting him. But he did. Jimmy.
Can't we just be what we are for now? Had he really said that? It went totally against his personality, against what he had always done. His whole life he had analyzed things. Dissected interactions and conversations, trying to figure out what things were; what they meant. And here he was, telling Jimmy they didn't need a label. Everything seemed so clear when he was Jimmy. He was just Ben, and Jimmy was Jimmy. His Jimmy. His Jimmy? But when he was alone, the doubts returned. Jimmy was right, though Ben didn't know Jimmy knew. Ben didn't have a lot of life experience. He didn't have the tools to deal with what he was going through now. Hal was the one who dated; the one who dad always talked to about relationships and rules and codes of behavior.
Those nagging doubts, the ones that kept him up at night and made him feel like a stranger in his family's home. Who was he now? What was he? Was Ben gay now? Was he not gay before? What did he want? What did Jimmy really want from him? Did he really deserve somebody who seemed as frustratingly perfect as Jimmy did? Even Jimmy's annoying qualities made him seem more attractive. He was secretive, especially about his family or life back in Boston. He was aggressive, but not in a dangerous way. He never seemed to take anything seriously. Ben had never once seen him open a textbook or study for a test or write a paper.
Ben had spent his entire life measuring himself against other people. It was obvious Jimmy was so much more experienced than Ben. Had done so much more than Ben. What happened when, if, Jimmy measured Ben, and found him wanting?