Day 14

by constablesmichonnes

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"Why'd you bring me with you?" Carl said, breaking the silence between himself and Michonne as they finished checking over the supplies they had brought with them before slowly making their way towards the building that made up Hilltop's main hall. The woman had been silent for most of their ride, and Carl did not bother to speak either. Nonetheless he was curious as to why she had chosen him to accompany her to see Maggie above anyone else, even his dad. He hadn't even asked her, much less spoken more than a handful of times to her in the last few days, and yet this morning when she appeared at his bedroom door and asked if he would like to go he all but jumped out of bed, if only to get away from Alexandria and his father's worried and watchful gaze.

"I thought you would like to help with the prep," Michonne replied while shutting the car door, her face turned away from him.

"Thanks."

"But," she paused, turning to face him directly, "that's not the only reason I brought you here." She leaned against the door with her arms crossed and her face straight and Carl's eyes widened in quick realization.

"No, not you too," he whined and rolled his head to the side, his shoulders slumped forward, "I already talked to my dad and I know what I did was stupid okay? I don't need another lecture." He knew that Michonne would possibly mention his stupid stunt of running away to kill Negan himself, but he had hoped that she wouldn't make him sit and listen to the same things his dad already told him.

"I know that you talked to him and I know that you know that you were wrong, but I also know that you didn't tell him everything you should have." Carl stubbornly turned away at her words, crossing his arms across his chest as she continued. "I also know that he didn't get through to you like he wanted to."

"What, and you will?" He said, his head sharply turning up to glare at her. She responded with a look of her own, one that told him not to push his luck with that attitude.

"Sorry." He muttered out once he realized that she would not deal with his attitude in the same way his father would. He then closed his eyes and breathed a deep sigh before looking back up at her, the anger gone from his face. "What do you want from me?"

"The truth." She gestured towards small case shaded by the overgrown trees a few feet from the car, and spoke again once they had sat down on it. "What's going on? This isn't just about being helpless."

Carl clenched his fists against the edge of his seat, facing down with eyebrows clenched as he struggled with what to say. After a short moment, he lifted his head towards her, his eyes filled with rage as he took a deep breath. "You really wanna know? Fine. I'm angry Michonne, just so angry. With everything that's happened with my eye, Denise, and then Negan and-" he paused and Michonne swore that for a split second she could his eyes widen in fear before he closed them tight as if blocking away a horrible memory.

"I'm just so angry and I can feel it all bubbling around inside me but I just don't know what to do with it. At first it scared the crap out of me but now, I'm starting to see why I need to be. It's the only way to survive right now and it's the only thing I know how to act on." His eyes opened again as he looked back up at her, and his voice slightly cracked as he continued, "To be honest, I'm starting to like the feeling. It makes it easier to deal with it all."

"Carl-"

"Don't try and tell me the way I feel isn't right. I know it isn't, but I can't help how I feel."

Michonne chewed on her lip, thinking carefully about what to say next. A part of her was surprised that he had actually revealed what he had to her, and the last thing she wanted was to scare him back into silence. "I wasn't going to say that. It makes sense for you to feel this way, for anyone to feel this way. I would be more worried if you didn't."

What she said seemed to help as Carl relaxed slightly, slumping his shoulders and leaning his forearms against his thighs, his hands limply hanging in the middle. "I can't tell my dad any of this though. He has so much on him, he can't take anymore. I don't want him to take anymore. I need to be strong for him."

"Is that why you won't talk to him, why you ran off?"

Carl shook his head, staring off towards the woods. "For so long I had felt so lost, with nothing but five million thoughts running through me. But when I decided to hide away in the truck, everything just felt so clear."

"That's because you were acting on those emotions in you, they gave you an answer, a way to go." Michonne gently placed a hand on his shoulder, causing him to face her again. "That doesn't mean that it's the right one though."

Carl remained silent, his face reflecting his uncertainty. In that moment Michonne wished that she could just embrace all of his pain, his anger, and his sorrow. It was moments like these that reminded her that no matter how strong Carl could be in the most desperate of times, he was still just a kid. A kid who could have a mixture of a million emotions swirling inside of them and no idea how to deal with them, and the world they lived in only made that more apparent. She wished that she had realized sooner just how badly everything had been affecting the boy who had grown to be a son to her sooner so that he wouldn't have had to suffer for so long without help.

"I need you to promise me something Carl."

"What?"

Keeping her hand on his shoulder, she cupped his chin with her other hand and turned his head so that he looked directly into her eyes before speaking. "Promise me that whenever you feel like the feelings inside of you are getting to be too much, that when you feel lost and don't know what to do or how to release everything that's pent up inside of you, that you'll come to me. We all feel this way, especially in times like these, and you don't need to fight this alone. Don't let those thoughts cause you to do reckless things just because you feel like you don't know where to turn."

"And in return, I won't tell your dad about anything that goes on between us." She finished, letting go of his chin as his gaze stayed locked to her.

"Really?"

Michonne's hand that still rested on his shoulder moved to wrap him around the shoulders, pulling him closer to her. "I think that you should tell him someday, but I know why you want to protect him." She shook her head, turning away from him to look out into the distance and said, "I do too."

Carl softly nodded his head, a small yet sad smile on his face as he turned and hugged her. "Thank you Michonne."

"Anytime," Michonne responded, rubbing his back comfortingly before pulling away. "Ready to go?"

Carl nodded his head, and as he and Michonne stood and began walking towards Hilltop's main building, he swore that his steps felt lighter. Almost as if a great weight had been lifted off his chest.