Snape Revealed Shorts, Story TWO:
Pure Romance
Part 3: The Box Of Tricks
AN: JK Rowling created most of these characters and the universe from which they hail…
I can't leave the house these days without some stay-at-home Mom trying to sell me some Pure Romance. I assume this type of stuff is sold worldwide, but I live in the town that started Pure Romance. Yes, a family in Cincinnati, Ohio came up with the idea years ago and it's grown into a monster. If you are unaware, it's a company that sells sex toys. Yes. So I'm going to write a story about it for no good reason. No, I don't work for Pure Romance, no, I've never been to any of their parties, but I'm invited all the darn time!
It goes without saying this installment is rated M for mature language and some graphic…um…depictions. Okay, it's just plain raunchy.
(This story begins during the first week of October, 1985. Rhys is long gone, as is Lily, and after four years of mourning, Severus is still deeply affected, however, he's slowly beginning to emerge from his self-imposed mental-exile.)
This story is not yet beta'd…
Severus finished her smoking-potion and left the decanter and instructions in her mailbox as promised. Their conversations were light but his mind was on other things, the impending Halloween. Much to his dismay, the day finally arrived.
Halloween was a day Severus dreaded above all others. Just thinking of Lily would send him into hysterics. He didn't sleep at all the night before. He fought dark thoughts and tried to think of other things instead, like Lucius's problem, and Kathleen. She was pretty enough, and nice enough, and smart enough. He'd beat her at a game of chess the week before in his quarters and enjoyed her humor.
He got up and dressed and skipped breakfast as always and marched right into his classroom with a violent slam of the door behind him.
"Pop quiz!" he nearly shouted as he strutted towards his desk at a very fast pace. The third years all groaned and one Hufflepuff made the mistake of saying 'crap' loud enough for Severus to hear.
"Ten points from Hufflepuff for the use of profanity," Severus said as he turned on his heals to face the terrified and annoyed class. The fear showing on most of their faces didn't make him feel any better though.
He opted to have his lunch alone in his office. Mini brought him a green apple and a glass of water. He had two bites and then threw the apple against the wall with such force it smashed into little, juicy chunks. He then graded the essay-question pop quiz from earlier and took no delight in flunking nearly half the class. After his classes for the day he sat alone in his quarters, smoking, and trying to figure out the Lucius debacle. He'd been stressing out all week over the anniversary of Lily's death and his stomach had been in knots. Mini talked him into eating a fruit salad and a croissant. Finally the fiber in the fruit kicked in so he went to the loo, also to catch up on some reading.
He was deep into his periodical when he heard Mini's muffled voice and then heard her knock at the door to his loo.
"What?" Severus shouted.
"Professor O'Hara is here."
"Tell her to wait in the corridor and I'll be out in a minute."
"I let her in, she's on the sofa, and I told her you were on the toilet."
"Gee, thanks," Severus spat. He was instantly embarrassed. He washed his hands and actually looked in the mirror at his appearance for a moment before exiting the loo.
Kathleen was seated, red faced on the sofa smiling as Severus went to greet her.
"House elves, they are so fucking honest!" she said as Severus's first thought was to agree, and then he realized she'd used a very foul word in his presence for the first time. Since they were clearly speaking on a somewhat more personal level, he decided to be rather crass back.
"Thank goodness I wasn't whacking-off in the bedroom."
"Well for all I know that's what you were doing in the loo," she smiled. "Sorry for dropping by uninvited, but I um…I loathe Halloween."
"As do I."
"Really? Why?"
"I just…it' just a bad day for me," he admitted, sitting down next to her.
"Ah…my father died on Halloween," she said in a softer tone.
"I'm so sorry to hear that."
"Yeah, I just…I hate being alone on Halloween."
"I understand. May I ask when he died?"
"Oh, a long time ago. He died when I was seventeen."
"Was he old?"
"No, he was sixty-eight, so not old by wizarding standards."
"No," Severus agreed.
"It's more how he died…he was killed."
"What?"
"Yeah, he was killed by a scum-sucking, shit-eating, piece of crap vampire! He was drained by a vampire."
"Holy hell!"
"Yeah. He got this idea to serve fish stew at the pub and he wanted only fresh fish so he went to Louisiana and you know that place is just overrun with vampires."
"Yes."
"And he was out in the swamp, heading towards the port-key when a vampire drained him. Must have been an armature as a seasoned vampire wouldn't have drained him," she said and then lowered her head. "He must have been in agony."
"Even a novice vampire can probably do the job quickly," Severus said, trying to consol her. "Is that why you went into law enforcement?"
"Yeah," she said, nodding her head. He'd never seen her look unhappy before. He felt bad for the poor woman. "I'm on the committee to have vampires removed from the US."
"Great, so they'll all seek sanctuary here. We let every kind of fucked up creature into this country…oh, except dragons."
"And Yetis'."
"Yes," Severus smiled. "We have quite the werewolf problem here."
"Yes I know. We exiled them ten years ago."
"Yeah, we got a lot of yours, though I hear Canada got most."
"They did. The Canadians' killed as many as they could though. The population is small now."
"We're not allowed to werewolf hunt here in Britain," Severus joked, "but I wish we could."
"I'd bow-hunt the shit out of those mutts. We need a gladiator type thing, a huge magical cage, werewolves versus vampires!"
"I'd pay good money to see that!" Severus smiled, thinking instantly of Lupin being drained by a vampire. Kathleen smiled, and then began to chuckle.
"Thanks…thanks for cheering me up."
"Talking about werewolves and vampires tearing each other to shreds cheered you up?"
"It did," she said in a sincere tone. "Do you feel better?"
"Kind of," Severus admitted.
"I'm sorry I interrupted your toilet time."
"It was something else let me tell you," Severus said and then smiled. "Don't ever do it again though."
"Oh I won't. I'll ask Mini when I knock next time if you're delivering a package or not," she said, waiting for a reaction. Severus was confused. "Under ground," she pressed, but Severus still didn't get it. "No? Taking a shit."
"I fail to see the coloration."
"It's just something I've heard people say before, it's no big deal. Hey um, do you want a chess rematch?"
"Want me to defeat you again?" Severus asked.
"I was just…off…that night. I have a really sweet chess set in my quarters."
"Well mine is right there," Severus said, turning to point to what would be the dining room of his quarters.
"No offense, but your quarters creep me out some. So cold and dark and damp…"
"Yeah, they're beneath a lake," Severus said.
"Which is totally unnatural!"
"Okay, you have a point."
"So, thirty minutes?"
"Sure."
"I want to make sure you don't interrupt my taking-of-a-shit time," she jibbed as she stood up to leave.
"I'm so glad I have that visual now."
"Visual is better than olfactory."
Severus couldn't help but chuckle. He walked her to his door and then returned to his room to change into cleaner robes. All of his robes were nearly identical with the only differences being the material and some embroidery and threading.
He put on plain black cotton ones which had a pair of satin-threaded "S's" embroidered over the left chest. Instead of his usual high collared and very long, tight sleeved shirt he wore beneath his robes to not only protect his skin from renegade potion-splashes, but also to hide his scars, he decided on a black version with slightly belled sleeves and a higher, and moderately decorated collar.
He'd taken to wearing Muggle boxer shorts over the last few years since breezes and drafts were not a wizard's friend. He threw his old robes from earlier on the floor for Mini to collect and wash and headed to Kathleen's quarters.
It was after ten o'clock and all of the students 'should' have been in bed, but he was discreet still while heading to her tower of the castle. Since he had stellar night vision due to his Goblin-eye he required no Lumnos on his wand to guide him. He arrived at her door and knocked. A moment later the door opened.
"Hello sir, Misses is still changing," her elf said and then shivered when she made eye contact with him.
"I won't harm you," Severus urged as he entered the quarters. The quarters hadn't changed much since he was in them last, several years before. They were gray stone, with stone floors and floor to ceiling windows that overlooked the Forbidden Forest. There were Persian-style rugs beneath the furniture and her fire was lit and rolling. Severus stared down at the elf who still looked up at him with fear in her eyes. "Hinnie, I said I won't harm you."
"You kicked Hinnie last time!" the elf protested.
"I didn't kick you, I moved you out of the way," Severus replied as the elf stared up at him with a raised brow and suddenly crossed arms. "With…my…foot."
Hinnie turned to walk away and then slammed the door to her cupboard. Severus went to take a seat on the brown leather sofa near the fire. On the table he noticed a rather large box, and it was opened slightly. He couldn't help but notice what looked like a black leather strap hanging out of the box. He was intrigued so he moved in closer to investigate it further. He pulled on it to find it looked like some kind of black, leather paddle, with a furry handle.
"Hinnie, make sure to move that box from the table before Professor Snape arrives," he heard Kathleen yell from behind the closed door to her bedroom. He was just about to put the paddle back in the box just when she opened the door and entered the room. "Oh…you're not Hinnie."
"No, I'm not…I was just um…" he said, dropping the paddle into the box. "Snooping."
"I believe the box was open, so you're not snooping." Severus stared at her for a moment. She looked a tad uneasy and started to giggle. "Wow, okay, what you must be thinking huh?"
"I hope you don't intend to use these on Flitwick," Severus joked. She seemed relieved that he wasn't creeped out.
"Nah, Filch seems more the type," she retorted as he nearly gagged at the thought of his great Uncle doing anything with a paddle, other than torturing Hufflepuffs. "No, they're not mine actually."
"Right," Severus mocked, totally unconvinced.
"Come on! What do I need four paddles," she defended while opening the box and rummaging through its contents. "And nine vibrators and this huge, nasty thing for?" she asked holding up a foot long, three inch wide black rod.
"I don't even want to know what that is."
"It's a Kong-Dong, duh," she said with sarcasm and a smile. She put everything back in the box and turned to face him. "No, it's not mine."
"Those owls made a serious mistake then!" Severus said as she laughed so loud she snorted. "What?" he asked with a naive smile.
"No, the box is mine, but these aren't for my personal use."
"Oh-okay?"
"I sell them."
"You already have a job."
"Yeah but I really like money."
"So you're a smut-seller?"
"Well, yeah, when you word it like that you make it sound so awful. Here, have a seat," she offered. Severus sat on her sofa and waited to hear her story. "Okay, so let's say you're a nice, sweet, well brought up witch…who needs some…toys. Who wants to go to that cesspool that is New Orleans, which is overrun with shit-for-breath asshole vampires? New Orleans is the only town in the US that has wizarding sex shops, well, shop."
"I thought New York had…"
"Uh, yeah, had…as in past-tense. The head-honcho wizard there shut it down. Anyway, why go through the hassle of getting a port-key and risk getting drained just to buy a dildo? And catalogs are okay but some things in life, you want to feel and see in person."
"Oh Merlin," Severus slipped. Kathleen smiled at him. "Sorry, go on."
"Well when I was in law-enforcement training in Arlington a friend of a friend was hosting this party," she said, making quotation marks with her hands as she spoke the word party. "She said it was a witches only party, which to me sounded so incredibly lame, but I'm a good friend and I promised I'd attend. So I get to this witch's apartment and she brings out this box full of, well, this stuff!" she exclaimed while pointing to the box on her table.
"I'd left. Unless the witch wanted to demonstrate," Severus joked.
"Well, she was a horrible salesman. I mean, a shit-sucking vampire wouldn't buy a blood-flavored lollipop off this girl, but I figured I could do a better job than her, you know, as a side job while I was in school."
"Were you very successful?"
"I was top in sales my first year. I made enough for my own house in Arlington. Let's face it; law-enforcement officers don't make a lot of money."
"I'd think not."
"And I like money."
"I believe you mentioned that. So, you throw parties and sell this rubbish?"
"Oh this isn't rubbish and yes, I do host parties. See I have clients now, who set up the parties for me, all I do is show up and demonstrate…"
"Wait, you actually demonstrate?"
"Oh, no, not like…I mean, I don't ram that thing up my twat or anything," she said as Severus's mouth dropped before he covered it to chuckle. "No, I use magic dummy! I teach the incantations and spells to make the devices work and hand them around so people can touch them and cast spells on them, and I mean, I bring some wine and appetizers and we engage in girl-talk," she again said with quote-mark-hand, and rolled eyes. "Inevitably we talk about sex for a while, but then we move on to all sorts of topics non-related to dildos."
"Um, okay…and you already had a party here in Britain?"
"Pomona hooked me up with some friends of hers and between you and I, she's one slightly sick, moderately kinky gardener," she said with a wink as Severus just closed his eyes and tried to remove the image from his brain. "Yeah, so, this is what they ordered, and now I have to separate the items and owl them to the different people."
"I see. Well that's um…interesting."
"You think I'm weird?"
"Oh I know you're weird, but I don't think any less of you if that's what you mean," Severus said as she smiled. "You Americans really like money huh?"
"Well, I guess we do. I know I do. Takes a lot of money to raise anti-vampire awareness."
"Ah, I see."
"So…chess?" she asked.
"Actually, perhaps you can help me with something," he said, wondering how to word his thoughts to her. "I have this friend and he has this…problem."
"What kind of problem?" she asked in a relaxed stature on the sofa.
"Well, he's a young man, and healthy, physically I mean, but he has this…intimacy problem," Severus said, turning to make eye contact with the witch, who leaned forward to get closer to him.
"What kind of intimacy problem does your…friend…have?"
"It's the strangest thing. He was fine for the longest time and then suddenly out of the blue, he just…he just can't get aroused."
"I see, hmm," she said, turning to stare into the fire for a moment. "Well, I mean, I deal mostly with stuff for the ladies but I have a special catalog with men's products, it has potions and devices and whatnot," she said, rising from her seat. "I'll get it for you."
"Oh, it's not for me," Severus corrected. She stopped and turned back to face him, wearing a tender smile. "Really, it's for my…"
"Friend?"
"Yeah, he's the one with the problem, not me."
"Okay," she said, sitting down next to him, sounding a bit unconvinced.
"He can't get it up!"
"It happens, and it's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Sure it is! But it's very odd," he said as she placed her hand on his knee.
"It's okay."
"Merlin, it's not me! It's my friend! He's married! The problem is with his wife, only!"
"Oh," she said, removing her hand from his knee, she then guiltily smiled at him. "So, it's not you?"
"No! I'm fine!" he spat, beginning to get really ticked off. She placed her hand back on his knee, and then moved it up his thigh slowly. He looked down at her slightly freckled hand as it kept moving up and he wondered where she'd stop. When she wrapped her hand around his semi but quickly erecting penis, she smiled and nodded.
"Yup, you're fine!" she said, removing her hand then leaning back into the sofa again. Severus was shocked she'd grabbed him and then really angry that she stopped with just a feel.
"Um, yeah, I know I'm fine, it's him, not me," he said in a softer tone. "You didn't have to stop."
"Oh I know," she said with a wink. "Well I just wanted to be sure you weren't the one with the problem."
"No, you just wanted to grab my crotch."
"That too. I'm…sorry?" she questioned.
"No need to apologize," Severus said and then coughed into his hand. "Um, my friend…he's fine with other women, it's his wife that he can't get aroused with."
"Is she a fat-ass or something?"
"No, she's attractive. She had a baby…"
"Oh yeah, that happens. I know it's never as tight as before but he needs to get over that."
"No, no, no, she had the baby surgically removed actually…"
"Wow! Ouch," she said and then made a pained face.
"Yes, she nearly died and the baby nearly died and then she needed to have an emergency hysterectomy."
"Poor woman."
"Yeah, he was devastated and, well, okay, he's a bit crazy to begin with. His mum died when he was thirteen and his wife looks eerily like his mum. And, see, what I don't understand is, he was the biggest pervert in Britain. He had a box of tricks that really rivals yours. He was into all that weird stuff…"
"Not weird, no we use the term different or creative."
"Whatever, he liked whips and shit, okay? And he got around, for years, until he married, then after the child was born; he's suddenly impotent, but only with his wife."
"That pig."
"No, he's not strayed, well, not really. He visited an um…unsavory woman…in Knockturn ally and had her whack him off just to see if other women could arouse him…"
"And it worked."
"Yes, and then the dipshit went and told his wife!"
"What a moron."
"Yeah, well, now his wife is getting a bit…anxious and tired of his lack of interest in her. He feels bad about her inability to bear more children and I think her being a mum creeps him out too."
"How old is their baby?"
"Sixty-five months," Severus answered with rolled eyes.
"That's Five and a half!"
"Yup!"
"Good God!" she exclaimed.
"Yeah."
"So, you think the Kong-Dong will help?" she said with a smile.
"Narcissa was into all that…creative…stuff too. I guess a Dong or whatever is better than her cheating, but maybe there's something you can sell her that she can maybe use to…entice him?"
"All men love to see women masturbate, but not all women like it to be a peep-show. Well if you said she's very, what we call, open-minded, then I'll meet with her if you like."
"You would?"
"Sure. Does she have money?"
"I believe they are the wealthiest wizards in Britain."
"Good! I have a dildo with diamonds on it I've been wanting to sell for years now. The commission on that thing is amazing."
"You're kidding."
"Yes," she said with a smile, the kind that an insult often hid behind, "I'm kidding."
"Good. Though I'd not put it past her to buy something like that."
"Well find me a Goblin and I'll have them smelt something shiny for her, okay?" she joked as he tried to laugh, even though any mention of Goblins often made him uneasy.
"Go find your own Goblin," he teased. He took a deep breath and then looked down at his knees for a moment, wishing her hand was back on them. "Thanks for doing this for me. I've tried every potion I could think of."
"No, he's fucked in the head, potions won't cure him. I'm not sure anything can. But we can get the wife squared away."
"Okay," he said, turning to face her again. She smiled and gently bit on her bottom lip. She didn't take her eyes off of his. She moved in slowly and placed her lips very close to his when he suddenly jerked his head back and moved a few inches away from her.
"I'm sorry!" she spoke.
"No, no, don't ,um…I mean, we should not fraternize," Severus said in a nervous tone.
"Well, it's a tad late for that, I grabbed your dick, remember?"
"Yes, um…I should go…It's uh...no longer Halloween anymore, so that's good!"
"Yeah, wow, it's midnight already…time sure flies."
"Yes," Severus said uncomfortably. He rose from the sofa and walked to the door. "I'll set up a meeting with you two, okay?" he asked, without turning back to face her. He quickly closed the door behind him and then stood out in the dark corridor, panting. "Fuck!" he whispered loudly to himself. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He took a deep breath and turned to head back down to the cold and damp dungeon…where he belonged.