Chapter 13 - All I Believe In
-I may never wake to see tomorrow
I may never live to seize today
I may never ever ask forgiveness
Bella's anger had her seeing red. It was as if she was looking down a long red tunnel and all she could see was the narrow vision of what existed straight ahead of her.
The peaceful small town streets of Orford didn't allow for speeds over twenty-five miles per hour, but Bella needed to feel the relief of escape. Everything was closing in on her - this town, this life, his limits... Without thinking in detail, she took the first road that led out of town.
Within minutes, her cell phone was ringing. Bella grabbed it. She knew who it most likely was on the other end; still she examined the caller ID. Edward. She tossed the phone into the backseat and shoved down harder on the gas pedal.
Once she hit Lake Tarleton Road, she again increased her speed. Though she was well from the car's top speed of two hundred miles per hour, she was moving faster than she ever had in any vehicle.
She could feel Edward's disapproval creeping up her spine at what he would view as reckless behavior on her part – and that's precisely why she did it. It was her show of defiance.
However, as she entered White Mountain National Forest, the roads became curvier, forcing Bella to ease up on the accelerator. As she did so, she found her red-hot anger beginning to cool. Her grip on the wheel had been so tight, her hands had started to shake from fatigue.
She pulled over at a scenic overlook, threw the car in park…and cried.
All the tension and frustration came out in sobs and tears until she was hoarse and her eyes ran dry.
She was exhausted.
Sick and tired, more precisely.
Tired of trying to prove herself worthy. Tired of not being in control of her life and free to learn from the consequences of her decisions. In some way or another, it always had been that way - living by someone else's rules. First it was Renee, who needed someone adult-like and level-headed to balance out her spontaneity and risk taking.
Then life with Charlie, where she was treated more like a child than the young adult she had finally chronologically had become.
Of course, Jacob and Edward fighting over what they felt was best for her had to have been the lowest point.
In marriage, Bella thought she had finally "come of age." She could spread her wings, no longer a child under her parents' roof. Unfortunately, married life with Edward, though easy, was just as confining. He sheltered her to near suffocation.
She only wanted to be treated as an equal in her relationship with Edward.
She craved to possess some miniscule sense of autonomy...to find her own place of strength and know her own abilities.
She wanted a husband, a mate - not another caretaker or overseer who viewed her as weak and fragile.
She didn't need to be superior, just in some small way, find balance of power in her new marriage. It was hard enough knowing the general public probably questioned how the perfection of grace and beauty that was her vampire husband ever ended up with a plain-Jane as herself, but to be completely without a role, a way to display her own contributions and talents, made the inequity that much harder to endure. Why couldn't he understand?
Tears of frustration flowed down her cheeks as the image of the Denali sisters sprung into her racing mind. They were beautiful and strong. Was it so wrong for her to want that for herself? The possibility was constantly dangling like a carrot within reach, yet Edward continued to deny her of it.
It wasn't fair.
It wasn't what she had agreed to.
If he loved her, he would truly share his life with her, not pick and choose what he wanted to give. After all, that's what marriage was about.
Bella gazed up into the rearview mirror. Her eyes and nose were red from crying, and her face was blotchy. Crying made her look ugly, and it was yet another sign of her continued weakness - something she'd never had to endure again if Edward would just agree to change her.
She dropped her head back against the headrest, closing her eyes to focus mentally. "What now?" she sighed.
After crying to the point of physical exhaustion, all the fire had bled out her tantrum. "Guess I tuck my tail between my legs and go home."
Bella wiped her face with the sleeve of her shirt and put the car in gear before moving cautiously back onto the highway, heading in the direction of home. She had been gone almost two hours and she knew Edward would be worried. Of course, he'd be worried.
As she drove, Bella began to cringe, embarrassed by her over-the-top childlike behavior, and decided the journey home would be about logic and not emotions. How could they come to some sort of permanent compromise? Maybe if Carlisle got involved as a mediator of sorts? Edward listened to Carlisle as the head of his family, and she had come to respect Carlisle's wisdom and sense of fairness.
While Bella immersed her brain in thinking of ways her and Edward could move beyond their impasse, she failed to notice the car that just cut in front of her was making a sudden and complete stop.
Bella slammed on the brakes of the Vanquish; unfortunately, her human reflexes weren't quick enough.
Tires squealed.
Bella locked her arms and squeezed her eyes shut. All she could see from behind her lids was Edward's disappointed face...
The seatbelt cut into her neck and chest. Then she felt the full impact as she struck the back of the vehicle in front of her.
(~*~)
Edward counted the seconds, the minutes, and then the hours.
He noticed the living room carpet had thinned under his relentless pacing. He had filled Bella's voicemail box with messages pleading for her to return within the first thirty minutes of her departure.
He took his three hundred and thirtieth glance out the window. A wasted effort…he would hear the Vanquish if it was close. Bella had never driven the Vanquish before. He preferred her in the Guardian if he wasn't the one driving. He trusted his reflexes and his ability to read other drivers, two advantages Bella lacked. Therefore, she required the protection of a large car. Even she knew that.
He dragged his fingers through his hair yet again.
Where was she?
For the hundred and tenth time Edward considered heading out in search of her, but where would he start? And how would she react if he wasn't here when she got home? More importantly, how would she react if he did find her?
No, he needed to give her space. Let her calm down and think rationally. Only then would she remember that everything he did was motivated by his love for her.
This wasn't their first marital disagreement and it wasn't their first confrontation over her change. However, it was the first time she had reacted so strongly. So rebelliously.
It reminded him of the precise reason he had been pushing off her transformation: she was still very young, prone to quick, impetuous decisions. Yes, she was mature, insightful, and open-minded, but developmentally, her thought processes were too heavy on accelerator and light on the brake. It was just a simple biological fact of young adulthood.
So, while part of his brain worried, another part focused on what to do when Bella eventually returned. He even tried to conceive giving in to her request, but every time he did, it made the venom in his mouth too thick to swallow. The risks outweighed the benefits. She just wasn't able to understand the enormity of what she was asking him for...or of what she would be giving up.
Although he had worked through the animosity he tenaciously clung to for decades, ultimately finding it easier to forgive Carlisle for transforming him than to despise him, Edward still knew he would have chosen death over becoming a soulless parasite – had he been given that option.
He remembered staring at his maker with searing hatred in his eyes. He came to resent the limits Carlisle placed upon him, and how his rebellion against those limits had led to his self-justified murdering spree.
Vampires were unpredictable at best, hostages to their instincts and emotions, and relentless killing machines at worst. Why would ever Bella wish that for herself? The harsh limits he would have to inflict on her true nature could only lead to discontentment; she need only look at his past and Jasper's ongoing struggle to see that truth.
Would she come to resent him as he had resented Carlisle? He knew he couldn't bear for one moment to see her look at him with hatred in her eyes. Or disappointment. Or worse, regret.
Maybe if he explained with cruel honesty what she would be giving up including all freedoms her newborn year, the forsaking of any human touch (which he had come to see as one of the greatest losses of his existence), and living on the fringes of society afraid of discovery, she'd understand and reconsider.
Edward's heart sank even more when he realized changing her would also rob her of her desired career in teaching, her cherished family connections, the ability to give birth, and even her deserved place in heaven. Would any of these convince her? Would she even listen to his words? Edward scoffed. She was such a stubborn girl. Didn't she see she already had the best of both worlds: she had him and everything he had to offer along with her humanity?
His choice was not about controlling her; it was about saving her...saving their relationship.
The burden of her change was more than he could bear.
He scrubbed his face with both hands. Worry resurfaced and swallowed the other half of his mind, silencing it. It didn't matter what they discussed, he just wanted to her to come home.
Unexpectedly, two minds broke through his anxiety. They were approaching the house carrying as much concern in their minds as his.
...I hate this part of the job...
...I hope no one ever has to deliver this kind of news to my husband...
Their thoughts were self-centered, yet Edward detected the address of his home floating in both of the strangers' minds. Edward flung the front door open before they reached the first step of the porch. While he knew he had to have stunned them, he saw no reaction on their weary faces.
"Is this the residence of Edward Cullen?" asked the male.
"Yes," Edward answered staring at the two uniformed officers.
"Sir, can you identify this cell phone?"
A female officer held out a phone in a cracked, bedazzled case that Alice had bought to protect Bella's phone, as she was prone to dropping it frequently.
Flashes of a scene popped in and out of the officer's mind as she attempted to focus on Edward's response and push the other details aside. However, Edward was too engrossed in deciphering the puzzle he was witnessing in her head: a smoldering heap on the side of the road, police and firefighters milling about around it, someone exclaiming they had found a clue to the driver's identity...
Edward knew he had frozen and was as helpless as a stone statue caught in quicksand unable to avoid the abyss that was sucking him in.
"Mr. Cullen?" a distant-sounding voice questioned with concern.
"Where's my wife?" Edward finally spoke when he sensed the female was about to reach out and touch him.
"May we come in?" the woman asked quietly.
Edward held out his hand toward the officer holding Bella's cell phone. She placed it in his hand.
Edward turned, not really knowing where he was going. The officers followed him into the house.
"Is that your wife's phone?" one of them asked.
The way his hands began to tremble was confirmation for the officers.
"What's her name and was anyone else in the vehicle with her that you know of?"
Edward willed the words to come out his open mouth, but when his lips moved, nothing came out. The officers continued to wait in the silence, until, "Bella…and no. No one else," Edward responded in a stilted voice. He kept his back to the officers while he further examined their thoughts and memories, trying to keep a step ahead. Somehow , he found a chair and sat down as blackness began to surround him.
"Sir, I'm afraid your wife was involved in an accident..."
Cutting off the female officer midsentence was the chime of a cell phone ringing in Edward's back pocket.
It was Alice's ringtone.
It was confirmation.
As if cued, the abyss threatening to swallow Edward rose up violently and devoured him in its wide-open maw. He fell, spiraling into its endless blackness. He felt nothing, he heard nothing, he saw nothing. There was nothing left, nothing that mattered. There was just...numbing nothing.
"Mr. Cullen?" the female officer called his name three times before she gave his shoulder a shake. He's in shock, Gus."
Her partner took the ringing phone now resting in Edward's hand.
"Hello?"
Alice responded quickly, "Who is this?"
"This is Ranger Augustus Takas. I'm here with Mr. Cullen and...
"I'm his sister. Is he there? Can I speak with him?" Alice's words were rushed. Could it be true? Had something happened to Bella? She had seen in a vision several days ago that she and Edward would have one of their worst arguments to date. She had been keeping a close eye on them when Bella blinked out of her sight. Not long after, she had difficulty finding anything in Edward's future. Beyond panicked, she didn't hesitate to call Edward.
"Mr. Cullen, your sister is on the phone. She wishes to speak with you."
Alice could hear the officer speaking, followed by a moment of silence before the officer returned to the phone. "I'm sorry, but we have just broken some news to him and I'm afraid he is not taking it well. We believe his wife was killed today in a motor vehicle accident. I apologize for giving you such news in this way, but we are at a loss for what to do. I can't get a response from Mr. Cullen."
"I'm going to call the squad, Gus." Alice heard a female voice in the background.
"NO! No, don't call an ambulance," Alice almost shrieked into the phone. "He does this, it's kind of a form of epilepsy," Alice lied. "He freezes when stressed. I'm close, please just leave him and I will be there shortly. I'll take care of him."
"We weren't able to recover a body at the accident scene, Miss -"
"Alice."
"Alice. And we need to get more information on the victim, um, your sister-in-law."
"I understand. I will take care of my brother and then we will get the information you need. Please, just leave your card. He will recover quicker without your presence."
Ranger Takas looked at his partner with uncertainty before covering the mouthpiece of the phone. "Ronny, she wants us to leave him like this. Said it's some kind of stress reaction."
Ranger Rhonda Wilkes's radio cut into the conversation, "Calling all units, please respond -"
She quickly turned the volume down out of respect for Edward, but knew they would have to respond to the call. Turning her attention back to Edward, she waved her hand in front of his unblinking eyes. "What do you think?"
"I guess she would know him best." He shrugged returning the phone to his ear. "Okay, Alice. If you will arrive soon, we will leave him to your care."
The female officer leaned over and spoke to Edward, "Your sister is on her way. She will help you. Do you understand? Can you hear me?" She expected no response, and that's exactly what she got.
The officers nodded slightly at each other. Gus left his card on the side table near the remaining sets of Cullen car keys. Rhonda hung her head in sympathy. Losing a spouse was like losing your future, she thought.
If Rhonda had the ability to hear with vampire ears, she would have heard Edward beginning to mutter just before she closed the door. It was the sound of a young man with an old soul mourning the loss of everything that was...and everything that was supposed be...
"She's gone. She's gone. What have I done?"
He had lost sight of everything around him.
"Bella!" Edward shouted repeatedly into the darkness that was engulfing him, vast yet pressing down on him.
"Why? Why her?" he searched for answers from no one.
Flashes of places and times gone by flew past him as he fell deeper...
Seeing Bella's face for the first time in biology class, realizing only now he had vaguely seen her face in Alice's mind long, long before that day.
Their first dance at prom.
Kissing in the grass as the sunshine bathed their meadow in warmth and promise.
Bella meekly accepting his marriage proposal before transforming into the radiant bride that met him at the altar.
Making love on Isle Esme, believing she would be by his side every morning and every night.
Then the last scene played before him: Bella leaving him that morning, her expression of mixture of anger and sadness.
"I never had a chance to ask for forgiveness..."
The vision faded to black.
"No!" he yelled, refusing to accept the reality and finality the nothingness was forcing upon him.
"I will not accept this! This isn't over...it's not how it was supposed to end!"
By the sheer force of his will, the colors returned and swirled, taking on new shapes, changed faces...
"It's not over. It's not over."
A/N: Thanks for reading! Poor Edward. Poor Bella. It starts.
Thank you to my wonderful prereaders and betas: RosaBella75, Ashling92 and RowanMoon. Also, to faithful readers and reviewers: DutchGirl, Fuzzyltlwingedthing, and Gasaway Alley! You ladies do rock and encourage me as much as my team!
Check out the FI blog for pics of Edward's Vanquish as well as a new pic of yummy Dominic. The direct link can be found on my profile.
I will be taking a break from posting during the holidays, so this will be my last chapter posting of FI until January 6 (how's that for a major cliffie). HOWEVER,I have posted an epilogue to Honeymoon Suite as a holiday present. If you haven't read Honeymoon Suite, please check it out - it is a view of Breaking Dawn from the honeymoon until Bella wakes from different points of view - mostly Edward's (eerily, the ending is the same as BD1!).
In addition, RosaBella75 and I completed an outtake to The Face I Can't Forget. If you haven't checked that out, it's an AH B/E romantic comedy. The outtake will be posted on 12/30/11.
See you in the new year!
Comments/reviews are welcome (and I promise to wrap them and place them under my tree).