A/N:
I don't own Twilight. If I did, "Bree" would have never gotten a talking part in the Eclipse behind the scenes footage. Pfffft! Like she's somebody important! *rolls eyes and grumbles about not seeing more of my precious Jackson in the footage*
She's just standing there with her arms crossed, tapping her crusty feet, most likely waiting on an explanation.
Jane, the bane of my existence. The hell is that bitch doing here? In my damn house?! I inwardly argue with my stupid, drunk brain to catch the hell up. I'm like a full minute behind what's going on and I can't freakin' catch up! Stupid Emmett, making me drink dumb beer... like a queer... on a steer... riding a deer... DAMN IT! Stop that! On a bat, with a rat...
"Yes, Edward. I'm here," Jane sneers. "Surprised, are we? Did you think I wouldn't find out about this?"
"Jane," I hear Edward say coolly. And I'm proud of him because right now, his drunken slur is almost non-existent. My baby has control... like a mole... in his little hole... "We need to talk, Jane."
"Yes, Edward, we do need to talk. We need to talk about what the hell you're doing here with HER!" she shrieks.
I cringe at her high-pitched, nails-on-a-chalkboard voice. How can anyone sound so... inhuman? I look around and see everyone else has a similar expression.
Then it dawns on me. "See!!!" I yell at Edward. "I told you she knew about me! She's been knowing!" I nod sagely and cross my arms.
Everyone stops and looks at me. Well, everyone except Jasper. He's passed the hell out. He may have alcohol poisoning. Alice is gonna be pissed. Will she kill him... on a whim... with a... bim... Whoa, good save! I mentally give myself a high five for being so awesome and smart.
"Bella, damn, you can't hold your liquor for shit!" Emmett exclaims. "Loony Tunes here said that mess like five minutes ago—Holy shit! Hold up, hold the fuck up! What the...?"
Emmett swiftly crawls over to Jane and lowers his face until he's about a six inches from her feet.
"What the fuck is this shit? VelociRAPTOR claws?!?! Holy bajeesus!"
"WHAT?!?!" Jane's voice could wake the damn dead. My thoughts are confirmed by Jasper's stirring and mumbling something about sparkly vampires or some weird shit like that.
"Well, shit, if you didn't want anyone seeing those gangrene infested toenails, you shouldn't be flauntin' those fuckers!"
Jane looks furious, her face as red as an STD infected snatch. "FUCK YOU!!!"
"Em, just... let me deal with this, okay?" Edward calmly asks Emmett.
Emmett rolls his eyes and plops down on the couch next to Corpse Jasper, giving the poor guy Wet Willies. What the hell is the point of giving an unconscious person a Wet Willy? Judging by Emmett's snickering, this is the funnest shit ever. Which is pretty damn retarded. But then again, Emmett is pretty damn retarded.
Edward stands and slowly walks toward Jane like she's a ticking time bomb. Which makes sense since she's a goddamn nut job.
"Jane, maybe we should take this outside and talk privately—"
"NO!" She cuts him off. "Why don't we talk here, in front of your new ugly friends and your bitch of a home-wrecking whore? Does your bitch know that we're supposed to be getting married?"
"Jane, calm down before you make a scene. This doesn't have to get out of hand. Now you know that I never—"
Wait a minute... "MARRIED?! Are you fucking kidding me, Edward? You're fucking engaged?!" All of a sudden, I don't feel so drunk anymore. In fact, I feel pretty fucking alert.
Edward takes a deep breath and rolls his eyes. "No, Bella, I'm not engaged. I never proposed to Jane. Never, okay?"
"Eddie-kins," Jane coos as she grabs his face in her talons, "let's get out of here. I forgive you. Let's forget about all of this, it's in the past now. I love you and you're desperately in love with me. I know this, okay? I mean, look at me."
Rose lets out a loud guffaw and Emmett whispers something that makes Alice and Rose cackle.
Edward pulls Jane's knobby fingers off of his face. "No, Jane, I'm not going anywhere with you. Ever... it's over."
"What? No, you're just confused. We love each other, silly goose!" She swats his chest playfully.
When she moves her arm, that minuscule piece of rubber/pleather across her chest falls and one of her boobs flops out. Like, it literally flops out because it's so saggy. It looks like a white tube sock stuffed with rocks.
Emmett hunches over the couch and dry heaves. "For the love of all that is holy! My corneas!"
If perverted ass Emmett is passing up the opportunity to slobber over some boobs, you know something's wrong. And looking at Jane's breast flappin' in the breeze, something is definitely wrong. She doesn't even have any kids, so it's not like she can blame that shit on breastfeeding. Wow. So unfortunate.
Edward turns his head away and closes his eyes in a combination of embarrassment and disgust. "Jane, your... top... please fix it. Now."
I hear a quiet click and look over to see Emmett taking a picture of Jane's pasty potato sack. Rose and Alice's snickering is now growing out of control and it's getting harder for me to hold in my giggles. A chuckle bubbles out of my mouth and I quickly cover it up with a loud cough. Smooth.
Jane finally has the sense to cover up her lumpy excuse for a boob and huffs, "I see your friends find me amusing. I can't believe you're tolerating the way they're treating me! This is un-fucking-believable! You cheat on me for almost a year and on top of that, let your Jezebel and her clan of idiots insult me!"
"Jane, let's step outside. This has already gone on far enough."
"No! I need you, Edward! I can't live without you!"
Jane runs into my guest bathroom. How the hell she knows where my bathroom is, I don't know. Edward chases after her.
"Jane!"
She closes the door and locks it right as he reaches her.
"Jane, open up!"
I hear lots of clanging and banging of shit in my bathroom and I'm mentally thinking of all the ways I'm gonna kick her ass when she comes out. The bitch is trashing my bathroom!
"Edward! Edward, do you hear me? I love you! I'm not leaving without you!" Jane's muffled voice screams from behind the door.
"Jane, damn it, come out before I break down this door!"
Like hell you will, buddy! There will be no destruction of any more of my damn property! I quietly scowl at the back of Edward's head for even thinking about fucking up my shit.
Jane abruptly opens the door, holding something shiny in her hand. "I'll fucking kill myself! I have a razor, Edward, and I'll use it! We were meant to be together! Why can't you see that? I'll slit my fucking wrist if you don't leave with me in the next goddamn minute!"
She lowers the razor to her wrist and I see she's holding a motherfucking electric razor. Edward keeps a razor here, even though I told him not to because his scruff and I are having a love affair.
Jane is holding the razor close to her wrist, glaring at Edward, daring him to defy her. He looks flabbergasted, like he can't believe how dumb she is. I honestly don't have the heart to tell this special needs child that you can't slit your wrist with a freakin' electric razor.
Emmett huffs behind me and throws his hands up in annoyance. "Uh, Jane, is it?"
"Yes, that's my name," she spits. "What the hell do you want? You... you... you giant Coke machine with legs!" The blade is now pressing into her skin and her eyes snap back to Edward.
Emmett snickers and shakes his head. "Jane... you're doing it wrong."
She looks completely confused as her eyes roam around the room from person to person. "What? Doing what wrong?"
"This whole suicide thing." Em punctuates the word "suicide" with air quotes.
"Huh?" Wow, and she's articulate, too! I inwardly roll my eyes at this woman's arsenal of stupidity.
"See, that's an electric razor. You can't kill a fucking balloon with an electric razor, Jane. What you need is a razor like this!" He reaches into his mouth and pulls out a razor blade. My eyes widen in surprise. What the fuck? Who does that?
I look to Rose and she rolls her eyes, giving me a "Don't fucking ask" look.
"See, Jane," Emmett continues, "I keep one of these in my mouth at all times, 'cause you never know when you're gonna have to cut a bitch. Am I right, or am I right?"
Jane looks frantically around the room at everyone, probably looking for an escape. "Uh..."
"Yeah, I know, right? Totally badass. But anyway, as I was saying, you need a razor blade. For future reference just remember that if the blade has a plug or uses batteries, you can't slit your fuckin' wrist with it, capisce?"
".....Um....."
"So anyway, what you do is, you grab the blade like this and cut in this direc—"
"Emmett! Enough!" Edward stalks toward Emmett and snatches the blade out of his hand. "What the hell is wrong with you? Teaching someone how to kill themselves?"
Emmett rolls his eyes. "Jeez, sorry, Dad!"
Just then, someone knocks on my door. Could this night be any more fucktastic?
"I'll get it," I mumble as I walk to the door, shaking my head in disbelief. Is this really my life? As I walk to the door, Jane starts her screeching again. I open the door and see my neighbor, Alec.
"Oh, hey, Alec."
"Hey, Bell—Whoa! What's going on in there? Everything okay?" he asks, sounding concerned.
"Yeah, just some crazy-stalker-psycho bitch threatening to off herself with an electric razor. You know, the usual." I roll my eyes. "What can I do for you?"
"Oh yeah! I wanted t know if I could borrow some sugar!" He holds out a measuring cup and smiles.
"Uh, yeah... come on in. Please excuse the basket case in the living room."
I back away and wave him in the door. When he comes in, I start walking to the kitchen.
"Aw, you don't have to apologize. I understand," he tells me, laughing, as he follows me further into the house.
The yelling is louder now. Sounds like everyone in the damn place—excluding unconscious Jasper— is screaming, trying to be heard over everyone else.
I turn back around to Alec. "So sorry about this madness," I chuckle nervously. "So how much sugar did you need—Alec?"
He's frozen in the living room, staring at the clusterfuck of crazy with a look of pure disbelief on his face.
"Janie?" he asks, sounding like he's seen a ghost.
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Dun, dun, DUUUN! Who is Alec, and how does he know Crazy Janie? Hahaha!
I have a new Jasper-licious one shot called Dirty Movie. Check it out! :-)
coachlady1= fuckawesome beta and writer. Her lemons make me wanna hump stuff. And by stuff, I mean Edward's peen.
Sorry for the delay getting this chapter to you guys, I was having a little difficulty getting it right.
This picture is what made me come up with the electric razor shit. So effin' funny! Close the gaps and prepare to laugh!
http:// cdn1 . knowyourmeme . com / i / 126 / original / you_re-doing-it-wrong . jpg # 214,160
Until next time! Smooches! ^_^