A/N- JE owns everything you recognize.

No Beta- the mistakes are mine and I apologize for them

I thought it was time to hear from Keira. This is a shorter chapter without a ton of action, but it gives you a peak into her mind.

Chapter 14

Keira' POV

I was sitting in Dr. Burke's office. I kept replaying the scene in the medic's office over and over again in my head. Each time I got to the part where I told them I was sick, I cringed. I wasn't sleeping and I could barely look any of them in the eye. I was embarrassed and angry. Really angry.

It was none of their business! Why couldn't they just leave me alone?

And Les! Fucking Les! Pregnant? Is he serious? I've been on the pill for years and we use condoms (well, most of the time). Was it just me or did he look let down when I told him no? Not this it matters. I wouldn't be able to carry a child in my current condition. Having a child with Lester is just another little fantasy I can add to my list.

I tend to fantasize about a different life before I fall asleep. It helps distract me from my reality and the anxiety that it causes. It helps me sleep. I find myself fantasizing more and more lately, even in the middle of the day. Lester features in most of them. I'm beginning to think it's becoming an unhealthy obsession. I'd rather lie in bed and fantasize then go and live my life. That's gotta be a problem.

"Keira?" Burke asked.

"Yes?" I replied.

"You haven't really said much since our session started ten minutes ago. What are you thinking about?" he asked me.

I didn't want to answer him. I wanted to go back to my apartment and hide.

"The core team thought I was bulimic and then they thought I was pregnant," I said with a laugh.

"So you told them you have Crohn's," he finished for me.

I nodded.

"How are you feeling now? Do you feel the need to isolate yourself?" he asked me.

Burke and I've done a lot of work on my tendency to isolate when things get bad. I hide from the world. I don't pick up the phone, I don't answer email, I basically go off the grid. Burke of course characterized this as an unhealthy pattern of behavior and something I need to work on.

I'm sick of listening to all the stuff I need to work on. I want to punch Dr. Burke in the face when he brings it up. My anger issue is also something I need to work on.

It's strange, the anger I feel. Most of the time I feel like I'm walking through life half awake, but when I get angry everything becomes vivid. I feel like I'm finally fully awake, even if it's just for a moment. I've never acted on my anger. Instead I get these strange, violent day dreams. Like when my doctor told me that my current treatment plan wasn't working and that we need to try something else. I imagined taking him by the back of the head and slamming his face repeatedly in to his desk.

Of course, I didn't do that. Instead, I told him that I was open to suggestions and ready to try anything that he thinks would help. He complimented me on my positive attitude.

Burke was the first one I started admitting all this stuff too. I was nervous he was going to tell me that I'm completely insane. But he didn't. He said I was dealing with the fact that I lost control of my own body and with that comes anger, depression and resentment.

"I'm sorry what did you ask?" I said shaking myself from my stupor.

"Are you feeling the need to isolate?" he asked me, apparently for the second time.

I nodded.

"Don't. Make plans. Get out of your apartment," he said.

"Who the hell am I supposed to call?" I asked him.

"Call Lester. I know he'd love to spend time with you," he suggested.

"He said he could handle it," I said quietly.

"Do you believe him?" he asked me.

"I think he means what he says. I also think he doesn't have a clue what he's talking about," I said.

"He doesn't. He's never dealt with something like this before. You can't expect someone to understand who hasn't been through it," he explained.

"Then how do I tell if he can handle it?" I asked.

"It may have to be a leap of faith," he said.

"I think I'm all tapped out on faith for the moment," I said with a small laugh.

"Now that your coworkers know, does it change the way you've been feeling?" he asked me.

I told Burke that I was stuck in purgatory. You're twenties are supposed to be the best time of your life and for the last three years I've been living on the side lines. I see friends, coworkers and strangers live their lives while I watch from a distance. At least, that's how it feels. I don't feel like I can move forward until I can get past this.

I shook my head. I was still in purgatory, an outsider, looking in at the life that I could have, if I wasn't sick. But the reality is that I am, and I always will be.

"How's Bobby's grand experiment to get you back into the dating world going?" he asked.

"The date was awful. The guy was a complete creep. I'm done," I said.

"I'd like you to continue. It will get you out and it's good for you to be socializing, even if you're not romantically interested," Burke said.

I sighed. "Is that part of my homework?" I asked.

"It is. But that's not it," Burke said.

"What else are you planning on torturing me with this week?" I asked.

"You need to take a compliment without some snappy comeback. Just say 'thank you,'" he started. "I also want you to count how many times you say the words 'I'm fine' and then figure out how many times you actually mean it," Burke said giving me a smile.

"Is that it?" I asked.

"No. Call Lester," he said.

"What happens if he wants to know why I'm calling?" I asked him.

"Tell him the truth. Tell him I told you to. Maybe discuss your other homework assignments. There's only one way you're going to know if he can handle this, and that's to let him in," Burked explained.

I sighed. Burke promised that he could get me to a better place but I had to listen to him and follow his instructions. Sometimes I would rather just isolate myself then get emotionally better. Emotions are overrated. I'm numb most of the time anyways.

"Keira, I know nothing I'm asking you to do is easy. If it was, you probably wouldn't need me," he pointed out.

I thought about that for a moment, I'm not sure I would've had the motivation to stick with therapy if it wasn't pushed on me. I know I couldn't do this by myself.

Dr. Burked ended our session and I walked to my car. I was just sitting in the parking lot letting my mind wander for awhile. I finally picked up my cell phone and scrolled to a number that I've actually never called.

At least I can cross one assignment off the list.