AN: Monday sucks, so I decided to release this early in hopes of cheering up anyone who's waiting on this story! You know who you are, so leave a review telling me how much u love me ;p

Fornax HQ was nothing like what Garrus had imagined. For one thing, there was nothing remarkable about the building that would distinguish it from its neighbors other than the rather modest sign that proclaimed it Fornax Inc. He didn't know what he had been expecting, perhaps a phallus shaped buildings? Or at least some indication like a giant neon sign of a naked asari to proclaim that here was where porn was made. There certainly was no line of offended looking older turians protesting outside with signs as Garrus had anticipated.

Even the most liberal individuals in the galaxy wouldn't be able to bring up Fornax in conversation without some discomfort. Some things were just too taboo for polite society, and Fornax was one of them. The fact that this innocent looking building that was so similar in shape and size to everything else in the area was more disconcerting than if there was indeed a giant penis shaped building in the middle of the business district.

Interspecies pornography tended to centralize on asari doing the nasty with every other race out there and while Fornax had an extensive selection of asari erotica, the majority of their collection focused on the coupling between less familiar species. Garrus tried unsuccessfully to block out the memory of the 10 second clip between a human and an elcor he had walked in on during his time as a rookie C-Sec officer. Elcor's were apparently big everywhere. How that human managed accommodate that particularly well-endowed representation of his species inside her vaginal opening still horrified and puzzled Garrus to this day. His partner at the time had been a 179 year old asari just out of her maiden years with strange tastes in her selection of erotic films. He learned to knock on her door very quickly.

"You know, I was expecting more," said Zaeed thoughtfully as he rubbed his chin, unknowingly voicing Garrus's earlier thoughts.

"We're not here to admire the decor," snorted the turian. "Let's just go in and see the manager."

As the trio walked into the building, they noted that the reception area was rather posh, a massive marble waist high table flanked by an elaborate fountain that attempted to bring in nature to the office setting in a miniaturized form. On the table itself was a miniature tree that Zaeed identified as a bonsai tree from Earth, earning him strange looks from the drell and turian. There were some very comfortable looking waiting chairs that were designed to fit every species out there, something the Normandy desperately needed in Garrus's opinion. The lounge area was stocked with a number of the most prominent business magazines available without a single one showing the slightest bit of skin. Nothing to suggest that this was the location where the sleaziest pornography available to the galaxy was filmed at.

There was a rather plain looking asari sitting behind the reception desk, and leaning up against the marble platform was a human in a pinstriped suit. His dark hair was slicked back with a bit too much hair gel judging by the slightly slimy quality it exuded. He sported a rather weak goatee along with a pencil mustache above his upper lip, and his pinstriped suit utterly failed at trying to make him look taller. Even indoors he wore sunglasses, setting off Garrus's internal douchebag detector. Thane of course had removed his borrowed shades the minute he entered the building. It was just what polite people did.

"Hey babydoll, what say you and me hit up the Eternal Embrace this evening? I hear there was some wild performance last night, maybe I'll get lucky tonight?" the grease practically oozed out of his honeyed words.

The man's back was turned so he didn't see the way Garrus's hand twitched for his pistol at the mention of the wild perfomrance, though certainly his squad mates did. Both human and drell carefully fell behind in step, allowing the volatile turian to take the lead just in case. Better to have the gun happy vigilante in front than behind their backs once the shooting started.

"No, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting lucky tonight Tod," replied the receptionist dryly with a roll of her eyes.

"Oh is that what I said babygirl? You're just so fine I can't help but let my mind wander to the possibilities," chuckled Tod as he looked over the rim of his shades. Garru's douchebag meter completely broke at the action.

"I'm a receptionist, not one of your slutty actors!"

The man made a frantic shushing motion and darted his eyes around before breathing a sigh of relief.

"They don't like being called that honeybun. They're stars baby! Superstars!"

"Oh is that what it takes to be a star? I guess if all they have to do is be willing to bend over backwards and spread it on camera, just about anyone can be one nowadays," she snorted. "By the way, there's three rather surly looking gentleman standing behind you."

Tod turned around to face the three men, and immediately his face lit up when he spotted Garrus. Striding forward, the man snatched up Garrus's hand and pumped it enthusiastically in both of his own completely missing out on the thunderous expression on the turian's face. "Big G, my main man! How's it going fella? How's it feel to know you're going to be a megastar?!"

"I'm sorry," said Garrus slowly as he pulled his hand out of the rather insane sounding man's grip. "Who are you again?"

"HAHA good one G-man! Funny and sexy, I like that. The ladies will love it! It's me, Tod. Tod Sinep! You ever need anything, and I mean anything at all, then I'm your man."

"Right well, Tod," said Garrus uncomfortably as he unconsciously wiped the hand that had touched the man on his leg, "I need to talk to someone about a contract I might have signed with a friend last night."

"Hey, hey, hey, look no further! Tod Sinep is the man to talk to! What's going on buddy? The shooting dates wrong for you schedule? Cause we can be totally flexible about film shootings! More flexible than a horny asari!"

Ignoring the indignant "hey!" from the nameless receptionist Garrus shook his head. "No, actually I think there might have been a mistake."

"Mistake?" the fake smile on man's lips increased in its phoniness factor by tenfold. "What's going on baby? Tod can handle any problems you have! Lay it on me!"

"I need the master copies to the film I shot last night," said Garrus with hope building in his chest. Maybe his luck was finally turning around and he could avert this train wreck before it became an utter disaster. The type that ended with a lot of screaming, shouting, tears and gunshots.

"Master copy?" asked Tod slowly. "Why would you need that G man? We gave you a copy didn't we? Or do you need another one? The fine gentlemen behind you want a hard copy too? I don't blame them, when that shit hits the net it is gonna be worth its weight in gold! I can go flash up a few copies in a sec if you'd just wait down in the lobby for a tick."

"No," stated Garrus impatiently. "That film was a mistake. We were drunk out of our minds! I'm going to destroy it."

"Destroy it?!" yelped Tod. "Whoa whoa, slow down there Garr-Bear. We can talk this out baby, why you gotta go destroying a fine work of art like that?"

Leaning forward so that he could emphasize just how much bigger than the human he was, Garrus gave off a deep throated growl for good measure. "You're going to destroy it because I said so!"

The human pulled back slightly but did not appear fazed. "Well I'd love to help out G man, but you signed a contract that forked over the rights of the footage to Fornax. The corporation owns the film now, and you'd have to go take it up with the board if you want to stop production. But baby, think about what you're giving up here! Do you know how rare it is to catch footage of a quarian's face, let alone a quarian girl in action?"

The human waggles his bushy eyebrows suggestively causing Garrus's blood to boil. "If not the money, think about that sweet honey you're giving up! I'd pay good money to switch place with you buddy, cause last night? That ass you tapped was hotter than the sun! 11 out of fucking 10 that girl! I could feel myself getting hard just watching you two go at it!"

Snatching up the human by the front of his tasteless suit, the turian hauled him up into the air, leaving the man's feet dangling a good foot off the ground.

"Her name is TALI!" Garrus roared. "And if you don't want me to tear your dick off and shove it in your skull, you're going to give me the god damn fucking master tape!"

The receptionist screamed, distracting Garrus slightly from his vigorous shaking of the terrified human. He turned and caught sight of the scared asari backing up away from the melting slag of molten slush that had been her marble desk moments before. The intense glowing heat could be felt even ten paces away, and the telltale hiss of active thermite rung in their ears.

"Zaeed! What the fuck man?!" the turian shouted over the hissing noise of the burning thermite.

"What?" asked the mercenary with a careless shrug. "I figured some thermite grenades would make your threat more dramatic!"

"Hmm, it appears that the receptionist may have triggered a silent alarm before her desk melted," said Thane in his usual calm manner. The man could announce the end of the world as if he were commenting on a slight change in weather pattern.

"The fuck?" demanded Zaeed as he turned to look at the assassin. "How do you figure that?"

"I can see Illium police forces closing in on our location."

Garrus growled in annoyance and turned to look at the human he was still holding up, intent on threatening the incriminating video out of him before they had to run, but it turned out that Tod had already fainted from fear. Smelling urine, the turian glanced down at the man's crotch and snorted with disdain before carelessly dropping the passed out human to the floor. Civilians. You raise your voice a little and they think you're going to kill them.

"This is the police! Come out with your hands in the air!"

Garrus scoffed as he heard the familiar by the handbook line being yelled out through a megaphone. He'd said it enough times as C-sec, and in all his years spent as a field officer only one person had actually come out when they asked. That person happened to be a 400 year old krogan trying to rob a jewelry store, and he had come out with a flamethrower in hand. It had not ended well for anyone involved. Or for anyone within half a block to the crime scene for that matter.

"Well shits getting real now," grumbled Zaeed as he quickly rifled through his pocket and pulled out a dark ski mask. Pulling on the dark cloth over his head, he adjusted the eye holes so that he could see properly.

Garrus watched in bewilderment as the mercenary went about removing parts of his armor while adding on new bits and pieces from his belt pouch. Within a minute the man standing there bore no particular resemblance to Zaeed Massani other than sharing a similar armor color. And even that was changing as the mercenary began to apply grease to the exposed dark yellow plates.

"Do you always go around prepared to hide your identity from the authorities?" asked a perplexed Garrus.

"It comes with the profession," said Thane.

Turning to look at the drell, Garrus did a double take. Thane was no longer in his customary dark leather jacket and pants; instead it had all somehow been switched out with a painful snow white version the turian had to squint at. Thane was in the process of pulling on the death's mask headgear he preferred when operating in conditions with less than ideal atmosphere, but this too had somehow changed from the normal black to match the blinding white of his new outfit.

Garrus opened his mouth speechlessly for a moment, mandibles fluttering slightly as he struggled to find words. "Where the hell did you get the new clothes and when did you change?!"

Thane pulled the neck guard down all the way so that no skin was visible at all. "My clothes are reversible on the inside. It makes changing my appearance to escape easier. No one thinks twice about a green skinned drell in dark leather when the reported assassin was wearing all white. It also helps that in this outfit I look similar enough to humans and asari that most attribute me as such if they do manage to catch a glimpse of me."

Something that had been niggling in Garrus's mind finally clicked. "Wait! That was you who assassinated the politician on the Citadel 5 years ago?!"

"The asari Jolin Vou?" asked Thane with a curious cock of his head.

"Son of a bitch!" groaned Garrus. "I was sent out to investigate that case! Do you know how long they had me looking up dead end tips because of you?! Three weeks! Three fucking weeks! They told me they were relatively sure it had been a human who took the shot!"

Thane gave a throaty chuckle. "Yes I changed in a nearby public bathroom after I snuck in through a vent and left the citadel four hours later. Customs didn't even take a second look at my paperwork before I was waved through."

The turian groaned and gave the unconscious Tod a frustrated kick in the leg. "I don't believe this!"

"Come out with your hands on your head or we will use force!"

"Who else have you killed on the Citadel Thane?" the ex-cop demanded. "How many?"

Not waiting for an answer, the turian turned to face Zaeed. "And what about you Massani? Any other crimes you committed on the Citadel you want to fess up to?"

"You ain't got shit on me Vakarian," chuckled Zaeed as he removed the reverent machinegun from the back of his shoulder.

"Just how many people on the Normandy are law breakers here?!" demanded Garrus as he swiveled his head between his two companions.

"Well Zero's got a rap sheet that could probably cover the floor of the Normandy and still have enough left for wallpaper. Goto's a thief, enough said." Zaeed ticked off a finger with each name as he spoke.

"Samara is a justicar, and as such no doubt her sense of lawfulness has clashed with local authorities on more than one occasion as we saw with Detective Anaya," said Thane thoughtfully as he primed a predator pistol.

"Taylor and Lawson are both parts of a terrorist group, so they qualify as criminals just for that," continued Zaeed as he pulled up more fingers on the hand not holding the reverent.

"Mordin no doubt has some history of walking on the wrong side of the law as a former STG member. The salarian special task group's not exactly known for being particularly morally bound," commented Thane as he continued to check his weapons.

"This is your last warning! Come out with your hands on your head!"

"Grunt if you think about it is only two months old, so he don't count, though technically he was created using illegal stolen parts and tech that was traded from the collectors with slaves that we know ended up being experiments for the damn bugs," said the mercenary, casually ignoring the nervous looking police officers peering out from behind the cover of their air cars outside the clear doorway. "That just leaves you, Zorah and Shepard."

"Legion is a geth, an illegal AI by counsel space law," argued Thane.

"Oh come on, the robot?" asked Zaeed. "It's not even alive!"

"We're talking about law breaking, not debating validity of geth sentience," countered Thane.

"Uh guys?" asked Garrus as he wearily eyed the increasing number of police patrol cars joining the original two that had first arrived.

"Fine," grunted Zaeed, conceding the point. "The robots a criminal too just cause he exists. Where was I? Right, Vakarian, Zorah and Shepard."

"Garrus was a vigilante and by definition that's an individual who's taking the law into his own hands and thus ignoring the law," pointed out the drell.

"There is no law to break on Omega!" protested Garrus.

"Don't matter," laughed Zaeed, "in spirit you were a law breaker. And Shepard stole the Normandy, so even if the Alliance didn't throw him in the slammer for it that's still the mother of all joyrides."

"Oh come on! We kind of had to save the galaxy from the counsel's own incompetence!" defended Garrus.

"But he broke the law nonetheless," said Thane calmly. "As acting ship captain, his orders were followed by his crew as they should have, but his orders were not in fact lawful."

"We will not warn you again! Lethal force has been authorized!"

"And come on," said Zaeed as he swept the reverent in an arc to make his point, causing more than one officer outside to dive for cover. "You've seen the man in action. Sooner or later, he'll probably end up blowing up a relay or something. Ha, ten creds says it'll be in batarian space!"

Garrus rolled his eyes as Thane barked a short laugh. "No bet Zaeed, I'm not a fool."

"So in fact, the only truly clean individual on the Normandy is Tali'Zorah," the assassin pondered.

"Heh, cleans not the word I would use," chortled Zaeed. "Not after doing the nasty with Vakarian here on screen."

Garrus's mood soured as he was reminded of why they were here in the first place. He opened his mouth to make a particularly vicious comment against the mercenary warlord's sexual preference when a silver canister shattered one of the tinted windows that stared out from the lobby. The can bounced off of the lounge table and began to spew out a thick noxious plume of smoke, spinning wildly as it spilled the contents of its innards.

Another canister burst through the entryway, skipping off the floor and landing in the fountain. More of the smoke grenades began to rain in through the entrance, quickly filling the room with irritating gas.

Coughing, Garrus pulled back behind what was left of the receptionist desk, hauling the frightened asari to her feet with one arm.

"Shit! *cough* What the hell do we *cough* do?" he demanded as he tried but failed to wipe his tearing eyes clear.

"Krios, take Vakarain and the asari inside and find the goddamn tape!" shouted Zaeed. "I'll hold'em off here in the lobby!"

Thane nodded wordlessly as he grabbed the other arm of the crying asari to lead them into the building.

"Wait Zaeed!" coughed Garrus. "Don't kill anyone!"

"What do you take me for? I'm a professional! Now get the hell out of here, you're cramping my style! And get the turian a disguise or something Krios! We don't want to be IDed when this is over!"

As the elevator Thane led the group into closed, Garrus made out the blurry form of Zaeed plunging headlong through the smoke towards the entrance, gun in hand.

"HELL YEAH! COME GET SOME!"

AN: yeah I know I promised that more of the Normandy crew would show up this chapter, but I decided to end it there because it would take too long to get where I wanted to go. So it might be a while before we run into Zaeed again, but next up we'll be seeing an unlikely pair from the Normandy. For those of you who haven't figured it out yet due to my rather amateur writing style, the Waking Sober story arc will focus mainly on Garrus desperately scrambling from one hilarious situation to another while trying to come to grips with what happened the night before. Normandy crew members will come and go, but Garrus will be in every part! Will he finally get his hands on the master copy of the porn film? Will Zaeed manage to get away from the Illium police force? Where the hell is Shepard and the others? Stay tuned to find out! Hope you guys enjoyed part 3 of Waking Sober!