Eric finishes inspecting the kids the next morning.
"Okay, looks good. Since you've all graduated to the Lake Org, you'll no longer be needing your Ranch Seasoning kennies. No, from this point on you'll be wearing these," Eric holds up a pair of medium gray sweat-pants like pants in one hand, with a same-colored gray shirt in the other. Along the shoulder blades is a darker shade of gray with three primary-colored horizontal lines: red, yellow and blue; Eric continues speaking, "They are called wesleys. Get dressed and make your way to the mess hall. Please note that the daily time schedule will not change here at the Lake Org. Proceed," Eric then turns and waddles out the dorm.
.
After breakfast the kids sit in class. Eric whacks the side of his left leg with the riding crop. The classroom door opens and Butters comes walking in.
"Butters, you're fucking late!"
"But I'm five minutes early."
"That's two demerits!"
"Oh, hamburgers."
"This is what I'm talking about, mastering time. The clocks are off; did anybody bother to check them? No. Did Child Butters bother to show up early for class? No. Did any of you Cretans even check on him? No. Clearly more P.E.S.T. work is in order," Eric then walks around his desk and sits down, "Now that you're in the Lake Org, it's time to start practicing helping Hogs. However, since Hogs are not allowed to be a part of training, you'll be practicing on each other. To that end I will have you focus on communication skills, word usage, and interaction with N.a.D.S and Hogs. This new learning scheme is known as Routine Ubiquitous Training. R.U.T. is divided into four parts. The first part is where we'll begin: S.T.A.R.E. – Sitting Together and Remaining Entrenched; in this section you and your siting partner – known as a Doppelgänger – will sit across from each other and stare at each other for two hours, without looking away or speaking. This is all about reaching the top of the Brown Note Scale, wherein you're so confident you can keep your shit together without even trying. You see, Hogs ask stupid questions and have a tendency to just sit and stare at you vapidly, which can cause you to lose confidence and second guess yourself, so practicing being unflinching is important if you hope to tell others about Myentology. So, pick your Doppelgänger, and turn a chair around to face them. When everybody is ready, I'll start the timer."
"I call Kyle," Stan immediately blurts out.
"Tweek," says Butters.
Kids quickly pair off. Looking around, Clyde and Craig see each other.
"Somebody else!" they both exclaim in unison.
"I got you," Kenny says to Clyde.
"Thanks," Clyde says to Kenny.
Wendy looks around and sees everybody taken, that is, until she spots one last free kid: Craig.
Craig says to her, "So, I guess it's just you and me. The only time I can stare at you without being MeToo'ed. I hope you're ready to get lost in these sexy eyes."
"I'll try to contain myself," Wendy says with sarcasm.
With all the kids now paired off and facing each other, Eric looks at the lock and speaks.
"Ready…"
The kids hush up from chatting.
"Set … GO!"
With nobody any longer talking, all that can be heard is the wall-mounted plug-in miniature air conditioner running. Eric walks around quietly, observing the kids. He eventually sits down.
After an hour, Eric gets back up from his desk and start wandering around the kids. He taps a girl on a shoulder; she turns her head to him.
"Yes, E.T.C.?"
"You're not supposed to talk or look away for two hours; you're back to zero," he places a timer on the floor next to her.
He continues walking around. He taps another kid, but the kid doesn't fall for it.
Eric looks at the classroom door when it opens, "Child Craig, look – it's David Hasselhoff!" and then Eric points.
"Really?" Craig says excitedly, looking over and seeing Gerald.
"Aw, you're not supposed to break S.T.A.R.E., remember? Back to zero."
"Argh," Craig huffs.
"No!" Wendy blurts out, immediately covering her mouth.
"Oh, tough luck, Child Wendy," Eric says, laying a timer down for both of them.
Eric goes over to Gerald and they whisper talk for a few minutes. Gerald leans up against the door frame and eat and apple. Eric continues walking around the kids.
Clyde sticks a tongue out at Kenny.
"Excellent work, Child Clyde. Less than one hour to go, Cretans."
Eric sits back down. The room fills with the sound of both Eric and Gerald eating apples. After several minutes Gerald speaks.
"Hey, Kyle, son."
"Yeah, dad?"
"Sorry son, you know the rules; you have to start back over again."
Eric waddles over and sets down a timer.
About an hour later. Eric look at the clock on the wall to see how much time is left for those that didn't start over. With a minute remaining, Eric gets up and waddles to Butters.
"Look, Butters, you only have thirty seconds left of your two hours!"
"Really?" Butters turns to look.
"Oh, gee, Butters, you're not supposed to look away for two hours. Now you'll have to start the two hours over," says Eric.
"Son of a biscuit eater!"
"And your Doppelganger, too."
The other kid moans.
"All right, all of you who don't have restart timers, can take a short break to use the bathrooms and stretch," says Eric.
Two hours later; all the kids sit facing forward, having completed the second R.U.T. where quotes are read from "The Bridges of Madison County".
"Good work, Cretans. Now we'll spend an hour asking weird questions, then it's dinner time. Hogs ask a lot of weird, stupid and pointless questions, which can confuse and surprise Myentologists, so you need to practice getting these questions, so you don't appear to Hogs to be in a Condition of Befuddled. Just blurt out a weird question. I'll start: How come procrastination is the only thing procrastinators don't procrastinate over?"
Clyde jumps in, "Do porn stars fill out 1099's with a job title of porn star?"
"Because shiftless Clyde is already taken?" a kid asks from the back.
"Hey," Clyde says back.
Kids laugh.
Kyle joins in, "Do you supposed you could sue if you broke your jaw on a Jawbreaker or would it just be a case of truth in advertising?"
"How much money in Federal grants do you supposed has been spent on finding out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?" says Stan.
"Do you suppose on the planet of the apes they use the phrase: I'll be a monkey's uncle?" says Wendy.
A random kid speaks, too, "Why is the Pillsbury Doughboy always so happy and helpful to humans that are cooking his people alive?"
"If the Trix bunny can talk, why doesn't he just get a job and buy his own Trix and tell all the kids to fuck off?" Craig asks.
"So exactly what does Winnie the Pooh's name signify?" ask a kid, "I get the name Winnie, but the rest says he's the Pooh. Is Pooh his race? Why would anybody name a race after poop? Is it and honorary title? If so, why a title of honor that means excrement? How come only Winnie has a title? The bumbling fool who sticks his head in beehives. Owl is the wise one."
"Good, good, keep them coming," says Eric.
.
Later on in the evening. The kids stand in line in the mess hall, much like at school, with trays that look suspiciously like the ones from said school. Kenny, Wendy, and Tweek are next up.
"Hey, chefs!" Kenny calls out to Stan and Kyle who are serving the food.
"Hello there, Kenny," Stan says, playing along.
"You know, some Salisbury steak with buttered noodles, and a choice of green bean casserole, or vegetable medley would be really good right now."
"Sorry, all we have is gruel and mystery mush medley," Stan slops some gruel on Kenny's tray."
"We'll join you when the line ends. That's the Oval-Thal dispenser over there. Next," says Kyle.
.
A little over ten minutes later, Kyle and Stan walk up to and sit down in spaces Kenny has saved them.
"I never realized Chef worked so hard," says Kyle.
"Actually, doing a real job rather than talking about it in the assumed abstraction on online message board like some dumbass, will do that to you," says Wendy.
"Where's butters?" Stan asks.
"Still eating with E.T.C.," Kenny says while pointing.
Stand and Kyle look over to see Eric, Gerald, Butters, Craig and Clyde eating at a table together, located on a raised floor, a few steps up, so Eric can look down at them.
"Huh. That privileged table has expanded membership. Why am I thinking two legs good, four legs bad?" says Kyle.
"So, they get more food and private table?" asks Stan.
"Commissioner came to the kitchen and said the leadership and ' .s' get more good and served first," says Stan.
Eric and company all eat apples.
.
7:00 pm. Eric walks into the classroom for the final study block.
"Look alive, S.C.U.M.! I see you're all ready to be back in your R.U.T.; in the fourth and final segment. In it you'll ask questions of inanimate objects, expecting an answer but not getting one. When talking to Hogs, their minds get side tracked by shinny tangents easily and well either not answer the the specific question or not even say anything at all because they're too inept to, so you have practice not getting answers until you've come to accept it. This way Hogs will not smell weakness and go on the verbal assault. Child Kyle, paper or plastic?"
"Ahhh … plastic," Kyle says, not sure of the difference.
"Excellent choice. Come with me," Eric motions for Kyle to come up to the front of the room.
Kyle follows Eric to the corner to the left of Eric when he sits at his desk. Once there, Kyle can feel the air blowing from a vent on the floor. Eric hands Kyle a plastic bag and then goes behind his desk and re-positions a fan; he points it at the corner and turns the knob to LOW. He goes back to Kyle, takes the bag, bends over and sets it half a foot from the floor; the bag blows around in the corner, falling and rising.
"What do I say, Commissioner?"
"I can't tell you that, Cretan. You'll think of something. The answer is blowing in the wind, so they say."
Kyle looks and thinks.
Kenny asks the clock on the wall, "What time is it?"
Stan looks at the empty desk chair, "Will you get out of my chair, Obama?"
"Who is John Galt?" a kid asks one of the walls.
"Can I interest you in Fartenetics?" Craig asks an empty desk.
"Again: can you tell me the time?" Kenny continues asking the clock.
"Have you been introduced to our acting lord and savior, Adrian Pasdar? So I've been told," says Clyde.
Kyle watches the plastic bad rise and fall while blowing air, "The bag is just dancing with me. It's like there's this benevolent force that wanted me to know I was free. It's like a leaf on the wind and I watch how it flies. Are you a dancing leaf on the wind?"
The bag continues randomly tossing about by the blowing air.
"Can you hear me, plastic bag?" Kyle asks.
As Kyle watches it, Eric yanks the bag out of the air.
"Geez, Child Kyle, it's just a plastic bag," Eric tosses an apple core in and waddles off.
.
After the final study block and cleaning up, Kyle stands next to Eric at the door to the upper floors. Eric finishes his key card out.
"What's the second level, Child Kyle, is the Analyzing Room and P.O.S. adjunct; the second you've not experience yet. And the top floor is my Myentology work room where personal breakthroughs occur during the course of each day."
"Can I see, Commissioner?" asks Kyle.
"Child Kyle, each of the eight levels of Myentology must be methodically studied and eased into in order to prepare you for each subsequent level. My office looks like Ennio Morricone's – work strewn about in what looks like a mess but is really organized disorganized genius in display. Seeing all this information that you have no comprehension of and your brain is ill-prepared to take in, can kill you."
"Oh no."
"You don't want to die, do you?"
"No!"
"I thought so. Trust me, I only have all you S.C.U.M.'s best interest at heart. Now, touch me so I can go to bed."
Kyle puts a finger on one of Eric's arms, "Can you feel that?"
"Yes. Can you feel that?" Eric pokes Kyle in the belly button.
"Yes," Kyle responds.
"Good. Now go to bed."
Eric loses the door on Kyle's face. He climbs up to the second floor and finds Gerald there. They nod to each other, then high five and head up.