Warnings: Cult discussion, assault mention, suicide attempt discussion

Chapter 14

—A—

A few hours of quiet, watching trees go by— this route would be drop-dead gorgeous in October, when the leaves changed— and some food later, I was feeling a little more myself after exposing old wounds. I knew it was unhealthy, to display every wound and personal anecdote in this way. I couldn't quite bring myself to care, or put the wall back up.

Despite Rowen's apology, I knew exactly how necessary this all was. I could handle the vulnerability of everyone knowing this later. I could give my actual feelings on the matter later. I consoled myself with how all I'd said was events. I hadn't said the feelings, the intensity of the flashbacks, the haunting notes in my voice.

My meal still rested on my tongue, hardly anything upsetting my stomach. "I'm kind of amazed how many things I can eat, lately…"

Tessa leaned against me. "It is nice to see your appetite coming back, sis."

I laughed. "Mirtazapine is magic."

Kento chuckled. "It sure looks like it. Soon enough, you might even beat out Rowen's appetite."

Rowen raised an eyebrow. "You mean yourself, don't you, Ken?"

I blushed, remembering various numbers. "Well I should be eating upwards of three thousand calories a day, so…"

Everyone nodded; Tessa rubbed my back encouragingly. "You'll get there—you're already well on your way, even."

I managed a smile at her proud tone, but otherwise couldn't keep talking. I never knew if people were okay with me talking about medication and my eating disorder— I was casual about it around Tessa, but not everyone was comfortable with it. And I still didn't know them well enough to be able to tell. Considering that comment was supposed to have been about my allergies, I was already feeling the sting of misinterpretation opening up doors I didn't want to even draw attention to.

Rowen hefted the book he'd been carrying high enough for me to see. "Want to… hear what's in the book about Balance?"

Now it was Tessa's turn to be quiet, for reasons I couldn't figure out. Still, that left me in the position of talking. "Might as well."

He awkwardly cleared his throat. "Where would you like to start?"

I smirked, considering the previous conversation I'd had today. "Shouldn't you be asking me what I already know?"

Kento muffled a laugh at his friend's expense.

Rowen backtracked. "Well… Yeah, I guess. I just thought you two might have some questions about what you can even do, so I…wanted to at least give you that opening."

I shrugged. "Kinda want to know more about why it split, I guess."

He shifted awkwardly, just drawing attention to how everyone around me was quiet. I tried not to have tears bubble up that they all knew something I knew differently, and it was bad enough they all didn't know how to broach it— or worse, felt the need to actively hide it from me.

Kayura finally spoke. "From what we understand of Kaos' notes, it…appears he built a certain. Duality into Kinkou. However, it would only manifest as Kure and Akatsuki should the Bearer—or in this case Bearers—it passed to were so close as to seem identical, and yet as different as the ocean is from the land."

I snorted at how directly opposite that was to my memory. "So of course it wasn't some evil plot to weaken the power structures supporting the world. Good to know."

"It certainly wasn't," Kayura said, reassuring. "In all honesty, it is far more likely the yoroi chose to split of its own accord than from any direction by Kaos or other forces of which we are unaware. All the yoroi have displayed some level of similar sentience at different times."

Sage inclined his head towards Tessa and I. "You both are still and will be incredibly powerful—moreso than any one of us, and only a few steps below Inferno."

Rowen picked up the continued topic. "If anything, Balance's power has only multiplied by splitting. Although individually you can only access the so-called duality of your half, Kaos hinted at the ability to rejoin the two—again, much like Inferno. Unlike Inferno, however, you both should maintain the full power of the original armor."

"Sword and shield," I murmured. "I have the shield, she has the sword. If by some miracle I manage to pull up the full thing, I'm nothing but defence."

Tessa tried to be reassuring. "Don't forget, sis—Link's shield bash was as valuable a skill as any of his other Hidden Skills. And I've heard of shield edges being sharpened for combat."

I quirked a smile in some semblance of appreciation, internally wanting to cry at how she'd missed my point— and from flashbacks threatening. "Except when you're up against swords that can cut through defenses but if you had a weapon, you could at least defend yourself." I shook my head. "Sorry. I'm bitter. I know full well how useful shields are, but all those bits of knowledge didn't stop the cuts…"

She put an arm around my shoulder and hugged me. Sage leaned forward, voice soft. "Should you ever want me to look them over, I could… perhaps see if they can heal."

I shrugged. "They're there. I've learned to live with them. They haven't healed in nearly a decade, so I'm not holding my breath."

He remained firm. "We would like to know if they can be healed, at least, for our own awareness."

Well that left me with no choice. Again. I looked down at my lap. "I'll think about it."

The topic meandered along those lines, explaining how part of the armours worked, me asking a question to disprove the cult. Part of me felt good, establishing the breadcrumbs of lies. Part of me wanted to curl up in a ball and cry at how many lies I had believed for so long. That was the worst part about learning this. I had believed it.

We changed trains just as the sun was beginning to set. The guys had lugged my bags on the train, so the least I could do was—

Attempting to lift my bag with my left hand got radiating pain straight from my forearm. I dropped it with a hiss, gripping my forearm with the only hand that didn't hurt. I could barely stay standing.

"I got it," Ryo murmured. Sage stood beside me, hand on my shoulder.

Tessa looked back to me not out of the train yet. "You okay, sis?"

"Feels worse than a crack…" I murmured to myself. I finally found my voice loud enough to say, "Okay enough."

Sage helped me off, stepping in front of me so I could rely on him to jump off instead of the handrail. There was something incredibly romantic about that, and I couldn't help but smile up at him appreciatively. "Thanks."

He smiled back. "It's nothing." More seriously, he added, "Would you… like another massage, on the next train?"

I nodded.

They got my suitcase on the next one, the last one, and we made our way to where we were supposed to spend overnight. Murmurs about wanting to explore this train came through, but I shook my head. I'd hit my breaking point, being around crowds. And six others was definitely a crowd. Tessa was torn between wanting to stay with me and wanting to satisfy her own curiosity. I nudged her towards her own life, insisting I'd be fine without her for a little.

Sage and I retreated to one of the rooms, me sitting on the bed while he stood. "Do you want just your shoulder, or your whole back?"

I rubbed the very sore joint. "Can I start with whole back and end with my shoulder?"

He nodded. I lay down and let him get to work. Almost as soon as he started, I exhaled, needing the pressure and pain after everything that had gone on. It had all been so new, so strange, so utterly horrifying I just wanted to rake my nails over my skin again. But I hadn't been alone to do it.

This was the next best thing. As selfish as I felt, receiving two massages in not even a week.

"I wish I could repay you with a return massage," I murmured awhile later. "But…"

His smile was in his voice. "No need."

I opened one eye to look at him. "I want to, though. Just. My arm…"

He shifted attention back up to my shoulders, going to massage my bicep. "Does it… hurt you often?"

I shook my head. "I forget I'm in pain most of the time, honestly. Except when I try to actually use my left hand. Or rest my head against something."

He paused. "Your head?"

I glanced away self-consciously. "Hit it pretty hard when they dragged me into the car."

His hands moved to my other arm, releasing tension and staying mindful of bruises, but he helped. He wasn't going rough on me— far from— but he pressed hard enough to break through the knots that had built over a day of peeling back bandages on rotten flesh. From being around six people. From telling stories whose grains of truth I still hadn't revealed.

He stayed sitting beside me on the bed when he was done, a hand on my back. "Are you afraid of anything?"

I swallowed, otherwise staying quiet. Speaking ill about his friends was a risk I didn't want to take.

He rubbed my back softly. "I've been in your position before, where the others acted… in such a way that made me feel worse. As much as I know Ryo's heart is in the right place, sometimes he in particular can get difficult to speak to, about how my mind works."

I exhaled. "He mentioned all good friends start as strangers but that wasn't why I hesitated having Kayura in the room."

"What did make you hesitate?"

I brought my arms up so I could rest my head on my hands. "I'm never going to catch up to you guys. You'll always be better friends with each other than with me."

"And you'll always be better friends with Tessa than with us," he replied. After a pause, he continued, "But that isn't it, is it?"

I shook my head. "I've never been in a group this big except watching it."

He squeezed my shoulder, fingers magically finding the tension already building back up. "And how does watching it make you feel?"

"Alone…" I turned my head to look at him a little more directly. "I watch all the inside jokes go over my head and all the teasing and banter I've never been able to understand and all the little mini groups form without me. I'm always just talking to one person or watching other people talk without me because I'm the black sheep and even in the cult I was the odd one out from Dusk and junior leader and nobody wanted to be with the weird girl."

He chuckled softly. "And here I appreciated being with the group, because when it was four others around me, there was less attention on me and my suicide attempt. It… made me feel human, instead of like glass."

The sheer oppositeness of the experiences brought a smile to my face, despite myself. The mood couldn't last, though; I sighed moments later. "I'm always scared people will treat me like glass, when they know all the trauma I have."

His hand smoothed over my hair, this time. "Fear of being treated like glass is one of the lingering drivers to suicide, for me. While it did not fuel my original attempts, it did fuel later desires."

I nodded. "I'm not the huge risk everyone makes me out to be." A small chuckle made its way out. "I'm a witch, and a good one, too. I'm vain enough to believe that. I feel like fighting is in my blood, even though I've never fought. I've never needed to. But if I'm face to face with a Guardian, they get destroyed or I control them and only my mom's the wiser."

He laughed along with me. "I'm sure you are." Silence hung for long moments, while Sage seemed to weigh his next words. "Are you afraid of us?"

"Individually? Not really…" I cast my eyes down. "I can charm my way out of nearly everything, and you all seem nice enough. But collectively…"

His voice maintained the same softness as it had this whole conversation. "What's different about us collectively?"

I swallowed. "If I hurt one of you then I have four other people coming to gang up on me and tell me I'm in trouble, or if I say something that one or two of you are fine with but the rest aren't then you're going to pick them over me because you've known them longer and I have to keep track of five different conversation styles and how you change when you're around each other all at once."

"Like a house of cards, waiting to collapse?" At my nod, he stroked my hair again. "We're more like a skyscraper. Our individual pieces can all take an earthquake differently, allowing the whole structure to absorb the shock and remain standing."

I couldn't get past the words on my tongue; they tumbled out of my mouth before I could even think. "I don't believe you."

"I understand."

Now I was talking feelings. I was touching nerves instead of veins. I hid my face against my arms, letting tears flow out and desperately wanting a hug but not wanting to ask. Sage— Halo— sensed my thoughts, hand nudging my elbow and armour nudging armour to encourage me. I got up and he held me, letting me curl up in his lap and coil around him while his arms wrapped around my back and shoulders. I could grip his shirt and cry, release everything that had been building up for a day. Dawn found me and helped soothe my trembling nerves, but at the thought of her coming I didn't want her to. I mean, I did want her to, but not now, not in a situation where I didn't want to hinder her own progress in making friends with these guys.

I didn't want her to get sick of me dragging her away from fun with other people, all because I couldn't stop crying.

That didn't stop my appreciation from her continued presence, believing in what was perhaps a moment of weakness that she'd stay with me.

Sage rubbed my spine. "Is there anything I can do?"

I laughed bitterly. "Change the colour of your powers?"

He blinked. "What?"

I realized just how much of a can of worms I had opened, with that. Not able to back out of it now, I murmured, "Cult healers had green light associated with them…"

He pulled back to look at me, hand on the nape of my neck. "I am so sorry…"

"S'not your fault," I murmured, looking down. "I'm… probably more scared of regular doctors, at this point. At least with you it's just sensing."

His thumb stroked the base of my skull. "Do you want to keep talking about this?"

I shook my head.

His lips curved up in the smallest of smiles. "Poetry?" That got me to smile back. A few moments later I was against him, him with two poetry books in hand. "Japanese, or English?"

I shrugged. "Don't feel like having a preference…"

He snaked an arm around me and squeezed. "There's a poem I'd like to show you, in Japanese, if you'd accept that."

"Whatever you want."

He flipped the book open to a well-worn, dog-eared page. A little piece of tape over the edges made it easy to find, just by touch. While I couldn't understand any of the words, I saw a single ceramic bowl, plain brown, veined in gold. My eyes were drawn to it, the slight metallic sheen to the cracks glittering in the light.

"Are you aware of kintsugi?"

I shook my head.

His fingers trailed over the illustration. "It's a Japanese practice, to repair broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer— something that adds instead of detracts value. To show how something broken has a history, something that makes it unique. It takes an incredible amount of time and effort to do properly, outside of the expense of the materials themselves, but the pieces are highly prized. The poem itself is about a broken soul, put back together with the same joinery."

I cast my eyes down. "Oh…"

He rubbed my arm. "I discovered it after I attempted suicide. Considering… I have a scar, from my first attempt, it was comforting."

"I would think."

He took a breath. "You're not the only one afraid of armours, among us."

I blinked, glancing up at him despite myself. "Are…"

He nodded. "Cale, the Warlord of Darkness, has black lightning that mirrors my own. His darkness absorbed my light, rendering me powerless. If it hadn't been for Kaos, I would have died, facing him."

I sighed. "Leave it to me to have darkness based powers and preferring darkness to the light…"

"I believe it will help me, to be around somebody who can expose me, little by little." He turned his head toward me. "I believe the same could be said for you."

I snorted. "You showed me that poem just to tell me how I'm not alone, didn't you."

He shook his head. "I showed it to you as a reminder you— all of us— can heal. And perhaps to… tell you of my own wounds, so you wouldn't feel alone. I remember how much loneliness hurts."

"I don't have any scars," I murmured. "Physical ones, at least." I tried to forget that my armour's scars existed. I didn't know how to classify them.

"I'm glad," he said. Softly. Gently. "That doesn't mean the mental ones aren't as painful."

Thoughts of injuries just brought me back to my throbbing arm, how I hadn't been able to really use my left hand, how my dad was a doctor so he'd be fretting over me. How I might have the conversation about a cast again. How it might turn into surgery. I hid against Sage, slightly. "Or the ones that don't even leave scars…"

Sage paused for a few moments, Halo ebbing and flowing. "Would you… like me to try and change the colour of my healing?"

I swallowed. That possibility was appealing. My whole body hurt, I was starting to struggle to function during the day. But it was magic. "Maybe…"

"You should take your medication, before we start," he said. "You… might fall asleep, depending on your own energy stores."

My laugh was bitter. "Considering it's 'running on near empty', yeah, probably."

He stayed on the bunk as I got my meds, chasing a pill down my throat with water. It was so early— barely eleven— and I'd be in hell in early evening, and I'd need to get up within hours to get off the train. And I was still sleeping like a rock. But the thought of pain stopping for once in my life was too good a chance to pass up. Especially right before I could be examined all over again.

I ended up back in Sage's arms, barely propped up by pillows, this time. He rubbed my back now that my arm was against his chest. "Do you want Tessa here?"

I paused before shaking my head."I'd… my mom always left after she healed me and wasn't around and part of what I'm scared of is…"

Dusk filled in 'being alone' for me. Sage squeezed me. "I won't leave you. I've slept against Rowen in tighter spaces."

I laughed, tension draining out. "Not much tighter, I bet…"

He chuckled. "It sometimes feels like it, for how tall we are." Before I could continue, he opened his palm to golden light. I stared at it, Dusk drawn to its overall presence. It felt like Sage, but… vulnerable. It matched the light in his eyes, his whole countenance uncertain. "Are you alright with this energy healing you?"

I put my hand in the light, feeling the same warmth as when he massaged me. It was caring, and soothing, and powerful— and unrestrained.

"How much?"

He understood my meaning, at least. "As much as you are comfortable with me healing."

I had to think about that. "My arm, and head, and my knee, and if there's any bone bruising in my side…"

He squeezed me. "As you wish."

That golden light flowed down through Dusk, through my body— as it sank in deeper, my eyes fluttered closed. Pain melted away, my medication not having to work as hard to have me fall asleep. My joints stopped tugging out of their sockets. I felt loved, gently, unconditionally. Part of me felt like I was just making it up, but for now, I was going to take it.

Sage's voice was soft in my mind. 'Sleep well.'

I couldn't even form a response.

—~—

Sage released Kourin when Alexa was on the fringes of unconsciousness, her body and Kure exhausted from the start. Exhausted before the start. She'd been right, that she was running on empty. Despite all the food, she was drained almost beyond belief. He'd barely been able to do anything, comparatively, to what he normally did.

What had they done to her, she had gone from sensing him halfway around the world to being nearly comatose after a simple healing?

She relaxed against him, shifting to take up more space. He took off her brace to help her feel settled, still having more room than when he and Rowen curled up on one of their single beds. Her using his chest as a pillow helped that, the way her body curled against him and her now-healed arm across his torso. She held him much like an oversized stuffed toy, her ear over his heart and fingers loosely tangled in the folds of his shirt. Other than a small adjustment after her brace was gone, she wasn't moving.

It was different, laying beside a woman. She fit in the crook of his arm, and her body was softer. She didn't have the hard, muscular physique Rowen or Yūsei did, but she was still bony— her elbows sharp and shoulder blades knife-edges. But there was the promise of softness in her arms, the way her back curved effortlessly. The way her breathing felt against him, rising and falling in steady rhythm.

It was a different kind of strength. Instead of ready to protect him, hers was the strength of trust.

Trust after he had changed something for her, after he was worried it had been gone forever. Golden light as familiar as his own heartbeat, but had escaped his grasp for years. He hadn't felt that energy in his soul since before he attempted suicide— since PTSD had taken rulership of his mind. The light that had prevented his corruption, during the War. Light the War had managed to rip away after its end.

And it had been just beyond the surface.

He didn't know how he felt that his lifeblood, his spirit, what had driven him during the War, had been so far away, so out of reach, only to come back with a simple conversation. Already it was slipping away again, but Kourin held fast to its source of strength.

It was his first reprieve in six years.

Part of him just wanted to cry. In relief or from pain, he didn't know.

Akatsuki brushed up against Kourin, hesitantly. 'How's… everything?'

Sage looked down at the top of Alexa's head. 'She fell asleep, after I healed her arm. She's fine.'

'Oh.' She paused a moment. 'Do you…? Should I…?'

He caught her meaning— if she should come over— and gave the sense of a headshake. 'I asked if she wanted you here, and she said no. She wanted me to stay, above all else.'

She blinked in surprise. 'She did?'

He nodded, absently stroking Alexa's back. 'Her mother would… heal, although I hesitate to call it healing, knowing what little I do, and would leave. She didn't want that repeated.'

Akatsuki gave off an impression of sorrow. 'I remember… Thank you. For showing her it doesn't have to be that way.'

Sage simply held the girl in his arms. 'It's nothing. And I'm sure she'll be happy to have you near when she wakes.'

Her chuckle was interrupted by a yawn. 'Well, I'm probably going to steal my room back in a little bit anyway, so. No worries there, I think.'

Sage blushed, feeling more than a little caught in the implications of his current position. 'I don't think she will let me leave this bed, unfortunately.'

Tessa returned a long pause. Eventually, she coughed. 'W-Well, uh…I guess I'll just. Take your spot over here, then?'

'That would appear to be the case,' Sage replied, trying to rub the heat from his nose. 'Apologies.'

Her laughter was muffled with exhaustion. 'It's okay. I'm kind of about to crash, anyway. If anything, I should thank you—once for helping us, and again for making it I don't have to move.'

That broke the tension between them; he laughed with her. 'Oyasumi, Tessa-chan.'

'Oyasumi, Seiji-niichan.'

It didn't take very long for Rowen to come into the space and investigate. Tenku lingered on the gold now threading Kourin's green, warm happiness at sensing it once more. The moment he stepped into the room, he paused and smiled at the scene— and the fact Alexa was effectively holding Sage in place. "I take it the healing went well?"

Sage swallowed and nodded, remembering just what she had revealed. "She… was afraid of green associated with healers. Once I could change the colour of my abilities, she was more receptive."

His eyes widened in wonder. "You what?"

He lifted his hand, that same golden energy flowing out like water. "This… was what I used, when Ryo was poisoned. I thought it was gone forever."

Rowen's jaw was half hanging off its hinges. "I…didn't even think we could do something like that…"

Sage closed his hand, returning his arm to around Alexa. "I had to try, for her. Finding out it was green light specifically that triggered her…" He swallowed, still reeling from how exposed he felt, tapping into this light. "It… I had to pull from my spirit, instead of Kourin."

"You changed your whole style of healing for one person," Rowen said. His tone was reverent, almost, him still awed by any of their armours changing. He paused, glint in his eye turning mischievous. "Still sure Kourin-kun doesn't have a crush?"

Sage chuckled softly, thinking back on his behaviour and earlier denial. "At this point, I'm not sure. You of all people would know."

Rowen smirked, leaning against the wall. "Well, Ryo did mention he had an interesting conversation with Tessa about that, today." At Sage's eyebrow rising, he snickered. "Even Tessa noticed you seemed… different, talking to Alexa. And she's known you all of two months, maybe?"

He shook his head. "There is something to be said, about Alexa." His voice quieted. "The fact… we have so many shared experiences, and I haven't even told her about Ojiisama in detail, yet."

"After all, shared experience is why all our bonds are so strong, yoroi connection aside." Now it was Rowen's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Although according to Ryo, Tessa was referring to before you physically met."

Sage laughed softly. "She's attractive, I will admit. I was genuinely more struck by how similar they looked, however."

Rowen chuckled in return, still with a glint in his eye that said this was a game. "Okay. I'll bite off on that."

Two could play it. "It would be wise to do so, for yourself."

Rowen cleared his throat, making a point to glance at everything except the bed. "You might have to explain that one, Sensei."

Sage inclined his head, keeping his voice soft. "I would say you have a similar connection to Tessa, as I do to Alexa."

He stared at the floor, arms crossed. "Even if we do, I only want to be her friend."

"That bond can be just as strong, brother. I'm glad if you can find somebody else to care for, and to care for you." Sage cleared his throat, glad to bring another person into this plan. "Regardless, Alexa and I would like to ensure her boyfriend is worthy of her."

Rowen glanced up. "What did you have in mind?"

He smirked. "It was Alexa's idea. I'll compliment Tessa in her boyfriend's presence, to see how possessively he reacts to her receiving attractive male attention. We'll make sure he knows my qualifications, as well. I suggested Alexa compliment Tessa's boyfriend, to compare reactions."

Rowen paused for long moments before barking out a laugh. "Who are you, and what have you done with Sage? I swear, Kento's pranks must have finally rubbed off on you." He shook his head, amused smile fading. "And yes, I know this isn't just a prank. I would love to see that dirtbag react to the five of us, as well—preferably after we tell him to leave and never come back."

That gave Sage an even better idea. "We should see how he reacts to somebody flirting with me."

"Not like we're not used to that!" Rowen replied with a grin.

"It would also make me 'taken', so I would, hypothetically, not be a threat." Sage's tone darkened. "If he still reacts poorly then, I don't think Alexa will let Tessa stay with him."

Rowen ducked his head, his voice's hardness a stark contrast to the previous banter. "I don't think it's up to her. Or any of us."

"I know." Sage smoothed a hand over Alexa's back, making sure she was still asleep after the conversation. "But… I don't think Alexa will be able to rest, until she knows who this man is."

His jaw tightened with a nod. "I agree."

Sage now more properly looked at the girl in his arms, Kure still at peace and still on the verges of unconsciousness. "I'm astounded she's still asleep."

Rowen softened. "She deserves it, after everything."

Sage shook his head, still slightly haunted by the healing. "She was empty. Most of the energy I used to heal her was mine."

Rowen blinked then raised an eyebrow. "Then what are you doing still talking? Go to sleep, Niisan!"

He laughed at the tease. "Part of me is astounded, she… could sense Japan, and now…"

Now it was Rowen's turn to be encouraging. "She'll get it back. From what we know of them both, already, these girls are stronger than they appear." He inclined his head meaningfully. "As are you."

Sage choked out a laugh. "I… really thought this was gone forever. I haven't felt it since the winter after the War…"

Rowen stepped forward and clasped his shoulder affectionately. "We always knew you would find it again, in time. You still have the same spirit, Sensei."

Any reply Sage could've had was preempted by a yawn. Rowen laughed. "Oyasumi, Niisan. We'll come wake you when the train reaches DC."

"Arigato."

Rowen left and Sage settled down for the remaining trip, his eyes closing but mind still travelling down the road apparently three people had pointed him towards. He was open with Alexa— far more open than he had been to anyone in a long time. She was attractive, her smile having the same ability to light up a room as Tessa's… only, hers was different. He couldn't say how, just that it was. But Sage recognized Alexa's eyes from the mirror, knowing how deep her battle with depression ran.

He had no idea if she was interested in him. He had no idea if she was even taken or not.

None of that mattered, really. As exposed as being around her made him feel— the same feeling of vulnerability that Rowen unlocked in him— the only important part was being her friend.

He closed his eyes and stroked her back, not quite sure when he fell asleep.