Enjoy

Chapter 14

For the second day in a row, I woke up after Brittany. I recalled Q saying that Britt slept late and allotting for the time difference and all… I was a bit confused. I was briefly worried about last night and what that meant to her.

Cause for me, it sorta meant everything.

That being said, I was at least happy she wasn't pacing like yesterday morning. Instead she was sitting up cross-legged on the bed, watching me. If had been anyone else I would probably had a minor freak out. People watching you sleep is kinda creepy. But hey… it was B. I just smiled at her.

"Good morning," she smiled back. "Sleep okay?"

I nodded. "You could say that." You could say a lot more than that honestly. I just didn't.

Was I stupid? I didn't fucking know anymore. Maybe what we did last night wasn't smart but fuck… I was pretending to know all the answers. I just knew I wanted her.

"So," she said softly. "A couple of things. I don't want you to like get upset or anything but…"

Shit. It was my experience that when people started fucking conversations like that… I disregarded the rumbling in my stomach. "Yeah?" I asked.

"Okay, so first of all… Kurt didn't come home last night." She frowned.

Fuck. Just… fuck. I ignored the fact that she actually knew that. Jesus Christ, could he be any fucking stupider?

She must've noticed the reaction crossing my face. "Don't jump to conclusions. I just think you should be aware in case it comes up later. But seriously S, don't bring it up. Cause… you know…" She trailed off, frowning.

Goddamn it. I totally wanted to bring it up. I just nodded instead. If he had done anything, there was no way he couldn't tell me. He was bad about not being able to keep a secret. Even about himself.

"Okay," she actually looked down, biting her lip. "So here's the other thing… And I kinda don't wanna tell you this cause I know what you're gonna do and I don't think you should. Cause it's not really your call and stuff and…" I noticed she was actually nervous.

"What is it?" I asked, feeling a little sick at the way she was hedging.

"Q and Rach totally had sex, "she rushed out.

I sat up. "What the fuck?!"

She put her hand on my leg. "Seriously, San…."

"No way, Britt! You cannot tell me not to get pissed about that. What the fuck was Quinn thinking? Jesus H. Christ. Rachel is not fucking stable or thinking clearly right now. Have we not goddamn established this shit?" I was fucking fuming. I was gonna kill Fabray or die goddamn trying.

"So it's okay for us to do it, but not them?" She asked, genuinely confused. "That doesn't make any sense."

I studied her face. I wasn't sure how to react to that question but… "It's different," I huffed, crossing my arms. Something else crossed my mind. "How do you know?" I asked her.

"I totally went to check on them this morning. I mean it was really obvious. They were asleep but…" she said. "I just knew. You know?"

Fuck no, I didn't know. I decided I didn't have time to decipher the scary insightfulness that was Brittany Pierce at the present moment. I jumped up. "I'm gonna kill Fabray," I scowled.

She put her hand on my arm and pulled me back down. "No." She was shaking her head authoritatively. "Maybe it's what Rachel needs."

I shook my head. "It is not what Rachel fucking needs," I uttered, sitting down nonetheless.

She didn't know what Rachel needed. And neither did Q. I was beyond normal pissed. They'd been back in our lives for a week and a half and we'd both rolled over like goddamn… I noticed her face. She seemed upset and it gave me a moment's pause.

"Please don't be angry," she whispered.

I sighed. "I'm not mad at you, B," I whispered back softly. "Okay?"

She nodded. "I know. Just don't be mad at Q either. She's just… you can't be mad at her cause she loves Rachel, you know? Cause she totally does. You can't deny that after yesterday. I mean she went about it the wrong way, but she's never learned how to express herself. She got so used to hiding stuff and then… it's all kinda coming out at once." She shook her head, frowning. "And she's gonna feel super guilty about it today. Even if Rach doesn't. Rachel probably won't," she said.

I nodded, still pissed. "Good," I muttered.

"San…" she started.

"Britt, listen. I know Q's got some fucked-up-ness going on. I get it. I've been there myself on occasion and there's a heavy amount of suckage there. I just can't ignore the fact that Rach is involved." I sighed. I didn't want to upset her but I needed to tell her something. "You know what I do right?"

She nodded. "You're a heart doctor. For babies." She smiled at me.

"Yeah, I am. There's not a lot of people who do what I do," I started.

"It's really cool that you save people's lives. Especially little people. They don't always get to say when they're hurting. It's awesome there are people like you who can help them."

I sighed. "It's a hard job, B. Sometimes it's just monitoring. Making sure they're doing everything they're supposed to. Sometimes it's open-heart surgery on a newborn. A lot of times it works but… sometimes later…. When you think everything is okay, they just stop breathing. My job is explaining to a parent, a family… why their child died. Why, after two years, their heart just stopped." I looked down. "It's not easy. It's taken me a few years to learn how to deal. To not cry every time I have to apologize for not doing enough." I looked at her face. She was nodding sadly. I didn't want to make her cry. "I'm not saying this to upset you."

"I know that, San," she answered, patting my knee.

"I just… those people… they never get over it. I watch them when I tell them and it's almost like something inside them just burns out. I've seen it more times than I want to count. But with Rachel…" I took a deep breath. "I now know what happens after. She's still in shock, B. I need you guys to understand that because it's not easy to see because she's trying so hard." I blinked away a stray tear. "I'm really proud of her for that, but… she's gonna fall. That's the thing I am terrified of. When we have to go back to normal. Back to work. What will happen?"

She shook her head. "I don't know."

"I don't either. I'm scared of that. And Q is not…" I chose my next words carefully, "… always together." I settled on. "If she… her insecurity and her jealousy, it's… Rachel isn't gonna get better in a week. And hell, even on a good day, Rach is hard as hell to deal with. I know Quinn loves her. I'm not gonna argue with you there. I just want you to understand…" I made eye contact with her. "…if she hurts her…" I touched her hand. "…I can't let it go. I won't."

She nodded. "I get that, San. What is it you're worried about? Besides Rachel?"

"It's not you. I just want you to understand that. I trust you. You're good. You're one of the few good people I know. And I don't want what happens or… what doesn't happen between them to… I don't wanna lose you," I finally whispered.

It was a lot for me. I didn't like opening myself up for anyone. In fact, I hadn't. I couldn't deny how I felt about Britt. I knew I loved her. I just didn't know if I could say it right now.

She put her hand on my chest. "Let's keep her from screwing up then, okay? Cause I don't wanna lose you either. And I know you can't not protect Rachel. That's really what makes you awesome honestly. But I kinda have to watch out for Q too." She frowned. "She's really a good person, San. She just doesn't always know what to do. It's more sad than anything."

It still amazed me how, after all these years, Britt could be so genuine. Life and all the shit that came with it had done a number on the rest of it. We've seen and lived through things that changed a person. But so had B. And it didn't make sense but then again it did. If I'd learned nothing else since she'd come back, it was that she was really that good. It made me feel a little better about everything else.

If she trusts Q… well, I wouldn't kill her.

Step up in my book.

When Britt went to take a shower however, my ass was straight out of the bed. Jesus, what was I, Saint Santana?

I knocked loudly in case they were naked or whatever… cause fuck… I did not need that image haunting me for the rest of my life.

"Hang on, Santana," Rachel called. Her voice was hurried. I didn't like that voice.

Mother of god… I needed… ugh… I banged my head against the wall and left it there. Just… goddamn it.

"Okay," she said, out of breath.

I opened the door. If it had been anyone else in the world, I might've actually fucking laughed. Q was sitting across the room in Rachel's desk chair, reading through some papers she'd brought with her. Rachel was sitting in bed, flipping through the damn television channels with the remote. Cause her ass had been watching a lot of TV and shit… right. I was aggravated they thought I was stupid.

I crossed my arms and propped up against the doorframe.

"Good morning," Rachel said, brightly. She patted the bed next to her. Like 'come sit here on this bed of nastiness or some crazy ass shit.'

Yeah right. No way I was sitting on that thing. Fuck that.

"Morning," I said, ignoring her hand.

She frowned then because she knew that I knew. And she knew that I knew that she knew. And I knew... hell, never mind. It was gonna become one of those battle of wills we were so fond of. So motherfucking be it.

Q hadn't looked up from her papers, which was impressive cause her shoulders were so tense I couldn't have bounced a goddamn quarter off them.

"Did you sleep well, Santana?" Rachel asked. I had to give her credit. She was gonna pretend.

I nodded. "Did you?" I could pretend to.

"Yes. I fell asleep before you got back last night. I'm very sorry about that. I know we never go to sleep without saying goodnight," she smiled softly.

I glanced at Quinn then. She flinched but still didn't look up.

"It's all good. I didn't wanna wake you up cause that would've totally made me a selfish ass. It was obviously a hard day. No big, babe." I winked at her. I was telling the truth. I hated to go to bed without telling her goodnight.

Q flinched again. It was even more noticeable this time. I would've given anything to call her ass on it, but...

"How's the eye?" I asked her. It forced her to look up. I fought the urge to extend an invitation for her to join our little dance around the obvious.

"It's fine," she muttered.

"Looks like shit," I said, smirking. Motherfucking under goddamn statement. It looked like more than shit. It looked like something shit would be afraid of. If that wasn't hurting, she was like a goddamn superhero. Or super villain. Jury was still out on that one as far as I was concerned.

"Santana," Rachel chided.

I cut my eyes at her. She was trying to read me. I knew her. She thought I was gonna blow up or something. I wasn't fucking stupid. That wouldn't have helped anything.

"Where's Brittany?" She finally asked.

"Shower," I answered offhandedly. No way we were talking about B.

She nodded. I hadn't moved from the doorway. My arms were still crossed. She sighed with that dramatic sigh only Berry could pull off. "Fine," she finally said, crossing her arms back. "So you know." She waved her hand around.

Point to Berry.

Quinn gasped. "Rachel!" She shifted in her chair.

Rachel shook her head. "She knows." She turned to her. "Is it supposed to be a secret?"

Painted yourself into that corner, Fabray. I raised my eyebrow at Q.

She shook her head slowly, eyeing me. She was sizing me up.

It wasn't fucking worth it.

I took a deep breath and frowned. I shrugged my shoulder, shook my head back, and walked the fuck out.

Of course she'd known. She was Santana Lopez. She could read me like a book. She could read anyone like a book, but she'd spent years reading me. I put my head in my hands.

"Are you okay?" Quinn asked. She hadn't moved from the chair. Her voice was distance and I couldn't tell what she was thinking.

We'd woken up this morning the same way we'd fallen asleep last night. Maybe it would've gotten awkward, I wasn't sure. Because as soon as I had even a clear thought… Santana knocked on the door.

She knew even then. She never knocked.

Her face told me everything I needed to know too. I expected her to be disappointed, and maybe she was, but… a week ago she would've yelled at me and told me I was being rash and irresponsible, except with a whole lot of inappropriate language thrown in.

I wasn't expecting what I'd just seen. It had thrown me. Santana didn't do subtle. And that exchange we just had... for Santana that was beyond subtle. It was spooky.

I raised my head up slowly. "She didn't yell or get mad or…" I couldn't think. "I don't know what that means." What did it mean?

"It isn't her business," Quinn said. She crossed her arms. That voice I could decipher.

I wanted her to come back to bed but she stayed where she was. I could tell she was angry. I just wasn't sure at whom.

I sighed and thought about a way I could explain. "Technically no. I guess it's not her business but…" I couldn't think of what I wanted to say. Technically, nothing about our relationship was normal. Maybe she didn't have a right but... she also kind of did.

"But?" She asked, arching her eyebrow. Her body language left me exhausted sometimes. I didn't like how quickly she could become defensive. It looked painful being that on guard all of the time.

"She's my best friend…" I tried. That was not the best answer.

She scoffed. "She's not your mother. Or your partner. Or your…" She rolled her eyes. "Jesus Rachel, you're thirty years old. You don't need Santana Lopez telling you what to fucking do," she spat out.

"Why are you mad?" I asked softly. "You have no right to be mad."

That gave her pause but she hid it. "Because I don't want to fucking answer to Santana."

Okay. She was now actually not even trying to hide her anger. Fine. I crossed my arms as well. I wasn't going to play her game. And she was definitely looking for an argument. "Well, we're kind of a package deal, Quinn. You're going to have to deal with her. I love her and she's not going anywhere."

She narrowed her eyes momentarily and then looked away. "Of course you do…" she muttered.

I couldn't figure out why she was mad. It scared me. "Please don't do this," I whispered. I was surprised. I didn't know why I was surprised. Of course she was going to do this.

She turned around slowly and made eye contact me. I watched her deflate. Her anger was gone but in it's place… guilt. Her emotions were a rollercoaster of fear. It was so tiring.

"I need to get some air," she finally said, standing up and walking out.

I let her go. Nothing good would come of calling her back or following her. I knew that. And I was too exhausted by everything to even try.

I stayed in bed for about an hour. I should've gotten up. Gone to check on Quinn or talk to Santana or Kurt and Brittany. But I didn't want to get up. Truthfully, I sort of thought someone would come check on me. Even my daddies. But… I got I was a bit of a drama queen on occasion. I could own that.

But I just wanted her to come back. She didn't.

I finally got up and opened my bedroom door. I peered down the hallway and noticed that Santana's door was cracked. I sighed and knew that I needed to talk to her. I knocked softly.

"Come in," I heard her mumble as I opened the door. She was pulling a shirt over her head.

Her hair was still in a towel. She pulled it off and started towel-drying it. I sat down on the bed and took a deep breath.

"Where's Brittany?" I asked her. I was running my hand across the comforter. She'd already made the bed.

She turned around and frowned slightly. "She wanted to go see her mom."

"Oh," I answered. "Did my daddy drive her?"

She shook her head. "Judy."

I nodded slowly. I didn't even know Judy had been here. I assumed that meant…

"Q's not here," she finally said.

I wasn't really surprised. I knew she said she'd be whatever I needed her to be, but… she wasn't a robot or a doll or… I swallowed down the guilt I was feeling. Quinn Fabray confused me. She always had. I didn't know if I could think about it.

"Okay," I whispered. It was all I could say.

She studied my face. "She went to church. With her mom."

"I didn't know she still went to church," I said. I was surprised by that. I guess that it made sense but...

She shook her head. "I don't think she does. I think Judy sorta… anyway, she went."

"Did she say anything?" I was having trouble looking at her. I knew she wasn't mad at me. But I couldn't help but feel she was disappointed. That was worse.

"I didn't talk to her. B told me." She turned around and flipped her head over so she could spray something in her hair. She rose up and brushed a comb through it. She frowned at herself in the mirror. "I got some serious bags under my eyes," she muttered, pulling down the skin.

"Ugh," I said. "I've told you not to do that. You're going to give yourself wrinkles. The skin around your eyes is extremely delicate." She was always pulling on her face and studying it. It wasn't healthy for her skin.

She frowned and poked her forehead with her fingers. "Am I getting wrinkles?" She eyed herself more closely. "Holy shit. I am. I'm getting fucking wrinkles. Oh god… I've gotta call that doctor I met. Patterson. He's a surgeon. Maybe a little Botox…" She was still scrunching her face.

"You do not need Botox." I said. She was ridiculous. "You look fine. I'm just trying to save you from useless worry lines." I knew I was talking to myself at that point. Worry and Santana were also a package deal.

She spun around. "I slept with Brittany last night."

I'm pretty certain that my face was making that O shape that meant I was speechless. It was a rare face. I was seldom speechless. I couldn't believe after she'd come into my room and…

"Are you serious?" I could feel my face getting red. I was angry. "How dare you come into my bedroom and judge me. Judge us! When you… Who do you think you are?" I jumped up. "Answer me!" I yelled. I'd watched Quinn walk out this morning and I didn't… I couldn't believe her…

She was frowning but she didn't move. "Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, Rachel," she finally answered. She spun back around towards the vanity and began applying her moisturizer. I watched her face in the mirror. "Honestly. It's like my lungs are full of water. And I can't move or break the surface and it hurts so damn bad." She was looking at herself if only to keep from looking at me.

I was not expecting that. She kept surprising me and the anger melted away. "Why?"

She caught my eye. "Why do you think?"

"You can talk to me, Santana." I whispered. "I'm not going to fall apart."

She shook her head and looked away. I knew she was close to crying. I could tell by the way she held her shoulders. She wouldn't turn around. "There are very few people in this world I love. I lost one of the most important ones, Rachel." She blinked and looked down. "And I'm not supposed to say that…" She trailed off. When she looked back at herself, she was crying. She started rubbing her eyes furiously.

I jumped up. "Stop!" I yelled, pulling her hands off her face. "Stop it!" I grabbed her fists. I pulled her into my chest and held her. "Stop this," I whispered. She crumpled against me. "Shhhh…" I bent down and squatted in front of her. "Why do you think you can't say that? Do you think I don't know that? You're so stubborn. It's frustrating," I pouted.

She tried to laugh. She was still crying.

"Quinn doesn't understand why I love you so much." I whispered. "I told her this morning… you and I, we're kind of a package deal. I was joking. But then again, I guess I really wasn't. I know you loved her. You get to say it. And you get to grieve. Please. I'm asking you not to be the strong one all the time, Santana."

"I can't," she whispered.

"Why? Because you think I need you to be strong?" I studied her face. I knew I was right. "That's so silly. I need you to be human. Be my friend. You know you're my soulmate." I kissed her cheek. "We have to get each other through this." I kissed her other cheek. "And Brittany," I said, looking up to her eyes. "She's good for you. I know she can help you. She seems to help everybody."

She nodded. "Are we being rash? This all seems too fast. Sometimes I wanna just grab her and not let go because I'm terrified she'll disappear. And sometimes… I just think… I'm terrified she's here, I guess."

"You love her." It was a statement. I wasn't stupid.

She nodded. She studied my face like she was afraid to tell me.

"Then obviously I want you to be happy, Santana. You've been waiting for her for ten years. She's beautiful. And kind. And just… Brittany. I can't imagine anything better." I hugged her. Everything I said was the truth. She deserved Brittany. They deserved each other. It gave me hope at least.

She pulled back and studied my eyes. "It didn't feel wrong. It wasn't awkward. She kissed me when she left," she smiled. "And I can't wait for her to get back."

I looked down. Quinn didn't tell me she was leaving. It hurt that it wasn't easy. I was happy for Santana. I wanted her to have everything. I just wanted everything too. The problem was… I wasn't even sure what everything was. Or who it was. Or if I could give it back. And that wasn't fair.

"Fuck," she muttered. She tilted my chin. "Q isn't B. They don't think the same way and she's got the major guilt thing going on. You had to have known that shit was coming. It doesn't mean anything."

I nodded. It was so easy for her to say she loved Brittany. Or maybe it wasn't. But she'd admitted it. She wanted her to come back. It seemed almost simple. Maybe it was because, of the four of us, Brittany was the only one who didn't have real demons. She was the one who could make the demons go away. I knew why Quinn needed her. Why Santana needed her. Why I needed her.

"I know it doesn't make any sense, but…" She sighed. "I don't like it. I don't think you know what you want. You have never admitted anything about Fabray. You wouldn't even talk about her most of the time. And now… I just don't want you to be… look, she'll do whatever for you. You know that, don't you?"

I nodded. "She said as much." That revelation was surprising. And scary.

"Okay," she frowned. "Don't make her."

I nodded again. Even though I was surprised she was standing up for her.

"I'm not," she answered. She was reading my mind. It was weird when she knew what I was thinking. "I know you. If you're not one hundred percent sure you want this, whatever the hell it is," she dismissed with her hand, "and you do it anyway… Shit, Rach… you're gonna spiral. You know it. And I know it. You don't need the guilt. Take a step back and think about this, babe. I don't wanna see you hurt yourself." She sighed and closed her eyes. She pinched the bridge of her nose. "And even though Quinn is a Class A fuck-up and crazy as a goddamn loon, I don't particular wanna see her break either."

It made me smile. I knew she didn't hate Quinn. She was territorial but she wasn't hateful.

"Careful, Santana Lopez, your sweet is showing." I stood up and put my hands on my hips.

She rolled her eyes. "Fuck you, Berry," she smiled. "Keep that shit to yourself."

"What are you going to do for me if I do?" I winked. I loved that we weren't doing heavy anymore. Heavy was sometimes so exhausting.

"I won't kick her ass." She deadpanned.

"She could totally take you." I deadpanned back.

"Goddamn it," she muttered, twirling her chair back around. "That's fair. Physically. But I could give her a good verbal lashing and you know it."

I laughed. "You totally wanted to say 'tongue,' didn't you?"

She rolled her eyes. "Thanks for that visual. You're disgusting." She twirled around again and tickled me. "Tiny and disgusting," she yelled, chasing me out of the room.

After we got ready and had breakfast, Kurt rolled in looking like… I wasn't fucking sure. Not as guilty as he could've looked, I guessed.

Leroy and H made their dumbasses scarce cause they were totally tired of all of our drama. Same. But I couldn't let it go. Drama followed Rachel around like a puppy dog. And me and Rach… yeah, package deal was a good description.

"Walk of shame?" I asked, pouring myself another cup of coffee. I knew B said not to antagonize him… but shit, give a woman a break.

Rachel frowned at me. "Morning," she whispered. She leaned up and kissed his cheek.

He kissed hers back and hugged her tightly. He pulled away. "I didn't do anything." He eyed us both. "Cause I'm not immoral. So you can stop judging." He poured his own cup. He was watching us both. I watched that super scary gay intuition cross his damn face. "Unlike you two. Oh. My. God." He squealed dramatically. "Shut. Up." He backed up into a chair and sat down.

"What?" I growled. He was ridiculous. Jesus.

"I can tell. I've been living with or around you for a long time," he drawled. He shook his head. "I'll be good. But…" He totally left us hanging though. "Where are they?"

"Britt's at her mom's." I muttered.

"Quinn's at church," Rachel finished.

His eyebrow shot up at that revelation. "Confessing her sins?" He singsonged. He shook his head. "You know she's gonna panic, don't you?"

Rachel sighed. "I know. I know. It was rash. And silly. And impetuous. And all of those ridiculous things that I don't do." She frowned.

He shrugged. "So what?"

I shot him a dirty look.

"Oh stop," he drawled. "They're adults. Consenting adults. Quinn loves her, Santana. You know that. And Rachel…" he stopped talking and studied her. He wiggled his eyebrow at me.

Kurt knew things. Things that I knew. We both realized a long time ago what the fuck was going on. We pretended not to because Rachel was so far in denial it was like a fascinating case study of weirdness.

"I get that, dude," I warned. "It's just… right now maybe isn't… I just don't think it's the way to go about it."

"You get what?" Rachel asked.

He ignored her and turned to me. "You don't get to decide, doc. You just get to watch. It'll either be a beautiful dance or a hot mess. And either way you and I get to say I told you so… so… maybe everything doesn't have to be so serious. Just let it be," he smiled, patting my hand. "You know how Rach can surprise us."

"That's what scares me," I answered.

She huffed and crossed her arms. "I do not appreciate you two talking about me like I am not in the room. I'm obviously standing right here. Unless I'm invisible. And mute." She frowned like she was actually considering that that was a viable option or some shit. She shook her head. "You can't ignore me. I'll start screaming or something equally horrible."

He smirked. "Do you hear something?"

I nodded. "Fuck yeah. It's like an annoying little puppy yapping. Hand me that newspaper so I can smack it."

She tackled me and threw her arms around me. "You love me," she sang. "Kiss me, you big teddy bear."

I kissed her on the nose. "Jackass," I muttered.

Puck came by and said good-bye and blah blah blah. Rachel promised to keep in touch and she wasn't lying. Cause she didn't lie. Rachel was honest. And that was cool. Puckerman had come through for her before. More than once, apparently.

Plus, I still wanted to meet his wife.

We'd spent the day playing another rousing game of 'hit a goddamn wooden ball cause white people are stupid and have too much time on their hands' game.

"This game is dumb." I eyed Leroy. "I'm mad at you for playing it."

He shook his head. "You're playing it."

"Barely," Kurt whispered to Rachel.

I smacked the hell out of my ball and knocked his into the pool.

"Santana!" He yelled. "I was almost winning," he whined.

I shrugged and crossed my arms. "You know what they say 'almost only counts in hand grenades and croquet."

Rachel started laughing. "It's horseshoes."

I spun around. "No way. I'm not playing another lawn sport. Don't even suggest it. You people are plottin' against me. I know your game. And I ain't bitin'."

She shook her head. "No. I mean the saying. It's hand grenades and horseshoes."

Shit. I thought she might actually be right. She looked too smug for me to admit that though.

Hiram knocked his ball through one of those little 'arch-y' things that probably had a name but I was not taking up a wrinkle in my brain to fucking learn. "That's a great idea, Santana. We should definitely play horseshoes next. " He then tried to high five Kurt which was like high-fiving a pony and they both missed and… holy moly…

I just rolled my eyes. "You people wanna give me a heavy metal object to heave?" I asked.

That gave them pause.

"Just saying," I added for clarification.

Rachel hit her last ball or whatever the hell through the arch and won the game after that. Or they said she'd won. How the hell was I supposed to fucking know? I didn't understand these stupid rules.

She was doing that little dorky dance she does with Kurt, which actually… well, it wasn't that dorky. It was cute and adorable, and fuck me… the sun was getting to me. I was about to call her out on it though when B and the AbFab Fabrays walked up.

"Hey," Brittany smiled brightly. "Were you playing croquet?" She asked me. I loved the way she got excited by just about everything she saw. I'd missed innocence.

Leroy laughed. "You need to define play. She was hitting balls with a stick. But there was nothing really playful about it."

I rolled my eyes at him. "It's a plot," I whispered, frowning. "They're all plotting against me. I'm scared."

She actually thought about that for a second and shrugged. Like it was a plot. And she didn't give a shit. I kinda really loved her.

"Who won?" Judy smiled softly. Had to hand it to Judy. She knew how to cut the awkward or at least draw the attention away from it. Possibly cause her daughter was like the dictionary definition of it.

"Me," Rachel answered. She sounded tiny and embarrassed. Ugh, I didn't like that voice. Damn Fabray and her stupid insecurities.

I watched Q carefully. She was being all closed off and withdrawn. Which basically meant she was being normal but whatever. She had that stance she got when she was about to take off. Q was an escape artist when she needed to be. If she stopped teaching or reading or whatever the hell it was she did… she could get a circus job. I decided to tell her later. I figured she'd appreciate my insight.

"I would've won but Santana kept knocking my ball out of play. She's a sore loser," Kurt pouted. He was so dramatic. Rach even gave his dumbass the fucking pink ball. Cause there were pink balls… this was a stupid ass game.

I picked up my mallet and made like I was gonna chase him. Brittany caught my arm.

Rachel was watching Q who was watching just about anything other than Rachel. Judy and the Berrys were watching them and watching each other. Everything was helluva awkward.

I started to wonder just how long we'd all stand around in this weird silence. I motioned for Kurt to say something with my head. He looked like I'd told him to eat a baby. Even Brittany had that 'no way' face on.

Goddamn it.

"I would like to scatter Lizzie's ashes," Rachel finally broke the silence with the one thing not a damn one of us expected to hear.

"Sure," H said way too brightly. Glad he could speak.

"I don't want to say anything. I just… well, I mean I care about everyone here and I just thought…" She looked down, embarrassed or whatever.

"It's a great idea, Rach," Brittany smiled, putting her arm around her.

She smiled back. "I was waiting on you to get back," she said quietly. She was watching Q when she said it. Q was watching her feet. Apparently they were fascinating cause she was studying the shit out of them. "So… if you guys can just give me a second? I don't want to make a big deal out of it or anything."

We all nodded like dumbasses cause we were in shock. We hadn't scattered any ashes and… I felt woozy. Britt caught my elbow and smiled sadly. "It's okay," she whispered very softly.

I nodded back cause I didn't wanna talk.

I saw Judy touch Quinn's shoulder softly. And Q flinch away. Her face looked liked she'd met a pissed off baseball bat last night. Old Q would've tried to hide that shit with makeup but new Q… I wondered if that was like a badge of honor. Cause I totally wouldn't put it passed her or anything.

Rachel came back outside holding a small envelope. I swallowed an actual gag.

She smiled at us sadly. "I don't want to speak," she said again. "But can we sing?"

Kurt nodded even though he looked like he was gonna throw up. H and Leroy both looked away and tried to be strong. I was appreciating the hell outta that.

I steeled my face.

"What would you like to sing?" Judy asked, cause I was thinking she was the only one who could actually find her voice.

Even B looked choked up.

Q looked like she was about to explode with anxiety. Her fists were clenched and she was coiled. I assumed it was from worry. Otherwise, she was even batshittier than I thought.

Rachel smiled at her and turned to me and Kurt. "You are my sunshine…" She started singing.

We joined in. All of us. Even Quinn. Rach bent down gently next to the rosebush, still singing, and scattered the ashes softly at the base. She sat there, squatting, until we finished singing.

When she stood up, I think we were all crying. Not like sobbing, but… I couldn't really see that well so I wasn't sure. I was still looking at the ground. I couldn't take my eyes off her ashes. I didn't want to understand what they were.

When I saw Rachel's face, I wanted to grab her and bury her head against me. Those fucking eyes… goddamn it. They were like some dopey teenager's anime dream. So fucking expressive and gigantic and glistening and… I moved to grab her because she was totally about to break down.

Q beat me to her. Bitch was always faster than me when she wanted to be.

It hurt like a motherfucker, but I let her.

Rachel crumpled up against her like Quinn was her hero. She put her head against her chest and she just sobbed. Quinn was holding her like she couldn't pull her tight enough. She gave not one shit that we were watching. I felt kinda dirty seeing it honestly. They didn't even know we were there.

I sighed as I felt B lead me away. Everyone followed. Everyone but the two of them.

I turned around one more time as I walked in the house. It was painful watching Rach cry. It always had been. But I forced myself to. I watched Q whisper something in her ear and kiss the side of her head and turned away. I sighed.

If Quinn Fabray fucked this up… if she fucked this up… the shit I would do to her would make it into a fucking record book.

You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for reviews!

Also I think maybe someone asked me to marry them. I'll ask my spouse.

A.N. - I get this chapter pisses some people off. You'll probably just have to trust me. The next chapter is actually the most light hearted chapter I've written. Btw, this story except for tweaks, etc. is mostly written already. I just post willy nilly cause I'm bored!

Again, thanks for the reviews. i can definitely take criticism. As long as you guys trust me. It's rough getting Rachel and Quinn together without some mishaps along the way. There's no way Rachel is thinking clearly. Grief is hard and confusing and... I don't really know how to explain it to be honest. But Quinn is not the bad guy. Her devotion is really the best thing about this story to me. I actually had several chapters from her POV but I liked that you had to discover her with Rachel and Santana, because to me... Quinn was always the one who hid anything. Writing from her POV, though more satisfying in the short term, takes away from her mystery and the discovery is lost. I love this story more than any I've ever written in a while because I kept rewriting it and taking away the obvious.

P.S. - I love Santana. She's fun to write and, if I may be humble, totally in character for the way I've written her.

Okay. So no more talking. I don't like long Author's Notes anymore and you won't get any. I just wanted to say a few things since I got a little nasty inbox message from someone. Actually, it just means people really are invested in the story. That is amazing!