XIV: Kai
hold me till the end

"You killed him for me." It's the first time she's spoken since they made camp, and Kai looks at Jinora, his brow furrowing. They had been busy, setting up camp and patching up their injuries to the best of their abilities. Jinora's much better at healing than he is, thankfully. "The man, Ganbat. You killed him because he went after me."

Kai shrugs, but avoids her eyes. "Well, yeah." He rubs the back of his neck. "He's not the first person I've killed. There was a Hunter once, who got bitten, and I was the one who had to shoot him. Besides, Ganbat was going to hurt you. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you Jin." She doesn't say anything, and when he glances over at her, their campfire casting shifting shadows over her face, he notices a cloudy look in her eyes. "How's your stomach?" he asks, remembering the way she had thrown up earlier.

"Better," Jinora says vaguely. He can tell she's not fully paying attention, still deep in thought. "Just," she says finally, "thank you, I guess. I don't know if I would have been able to kill him."

"You don't usually know if you can do something if you think about it," Kai says softly. "And then when the moment comes you stop thinking and you just do." His hands are shaking a little, and he feels like a coward. He can still see the stream of blood from Ganbat's head running on the floor, the Hunter's glassy, lifeless eyes. Jinora reaches over and places her hand in his and gives it a squeeze, and the image fades. He feels a little safer, her warm hand anchoring him to the present.

"I'd do it for you," she admits, and it takes him by surprise. "If I had to have blood on my hands, I'd want it to be for a good reason. Saving you is the best reason I can think of." She falls silent again, slipping her hand out of his as if uncertain.

Kai runs a hand through his hair. He can feel the toll of the day weighing down on him, but he says, "I'll take the first watch," anyway, and sees how Jinora tries to mask the look of relief on her face.

He watches as she pulls out the sleeping bag and crawls inside, her knife clutched in one hand. She hadn't slept with it before. Kai isn't sure if he's relieved or sad that she's growing wiser. He thinks back to the moment where he had realized he could kill Ganbat, how he hadn't even hesitated to raise his gun. There could have been another way, but he had killed him anyway. For her.

A sense of calm settles over him as he watches, her drift off with not peace exactly, but a sense of safety perhaps. She feels safe enough, trusts him enough to watch her back. It fills him with warmth, even though the early winter night is bitterly cold. He thinks of the men pinning her arms back, breathing in her ear. Don't touch her. The punch in the gut hadn't made him want to stop; it had only been when Jinora had silently begged him to. Of how he had gathered her in his arms, frantically checking to make sure she was okay.

He wants to protect her, he realizes. And really, Kai thinks, that shouldn't be surprising, because he does think of her as his best friend, but he didn't want to protect Skoochy in the same way. It's different. He cares about her in a different way, and maybe he cares a little too much. All he knows is that in that moment when Ganbat almost killed her, he would have done anything to stop him. Even trade places with her. And that's scary. To care about a person that much. To need a person that much.

Kai looks over at Jinora, and the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she sleeps soundly at he smiles. Maybe it's alright that he's a coward, if he can be brave for her.

It becomes apparent in the morning that some of the bandits survived. After Kai and Jinora have made it up one of Omashu's skyscrapers, they get a pretty good view of the place. There's not nearly as many zombies at the grocery store, and most of them are huddled around something small - bodies? - but they can see a distant trace of smoke in the air: another campfire.

"Looks like some of them made it," Jinora notes, frowning. Her grip on her knife tightens. "Should we just try to avoid them?"

"Look who's being reckless now," Kai teases, and Jinora punches him lightly in the shoulder, but it's good to see her smiling again. "Nah, you're right. There's no need to pick a fight, and there's probably still more of them than there are of us."

"It is just the two of us against the world," Jinora agrees. But somehow, it doesn't sound quite so bad to Kai. He doesn't quite what comes over her but she pulls him into a hug. Kai takes a moment to relax and wrap his arms around her. She rests her head on his shoulder, and it feels nice, strangely enough.

Jinora pulls away first and there's a smile forming on his face.

"What was that for?" he asks, rubbing the back of his neck. He's blushing, but he hopes she thinks it's just because of the cold, although she looks a little pink in the face too.

"I'm... I'm just really glad you're still with me." Jinora smiles shyly up at him.

Kai's smile softens. "'Course Jin. I know at first we just traveled together because of convenience, but now..." He takes her hand and squeezes them. "I..." A lump forms in his throat. "I need you." It's strange to say it out loud, even though it's true. He doesn't think he's ever needed someone before. And even he loved Skoochy like a brother, and he was still struggling with the loss, it had gotten easier. But if anything happened to Jinora, Kai didn't know how he would move on. If he could even try.

Tears well in Jinora's eyes and Kai swallows hard. "I need you too," she says quietly, and reaches up to wipe her eyes, half-smiling. There's a vulnerability in her eyes, in the way her lower lip trembles, and Kai can feel it in every beat of his heart too.

"I'm with you until the end, Jinora," he promises.

Jinora leans in and pecks him on the cheek. "Until the end," she repeats, her face serious, even as her cheeks turn a darker shade of pink. His face feels warm, but Kai shrugs it off. They have more important things to do, and he has more important things to think about than why the skin her lips had touched burned.

Jinora kills her first human when they're walking down the street, a good distance away from the remaining bandits, or so they had thought. The man comes out of nowhere, his eyes rolled back in his head from madness, one arm a bloody stump. He throws himself at them, and Jinora whips out her knife faster than Kai blinks, and drags it across the man's throat by the time Kai has his gun out.

The man's blood explodes on her fingers and drips down her arm and her hand is shaking so badly she almost drops the knife. The blood stains the sleeve of her coat and she stares at the body with wide-eyes. The man's remaining hand twitches as he lies facedown, a steady pool of blood forming.

Kai tugs on her free hand and places his other hand on her blood-stained one, not caring about getting his own hands bloody, and lowers it. Her grip relaxes and he pulls her bloody knife out of her hand. She's crying, and trying to hold back tears. This wasn't protection, but a reaction, slowly becoming instinct. Jinora chokes back a sob, and Kai's amazed at her strength. He remembers going home after shooting the Hunter and sobbing for hours.

But this world doesn't give that luxury anymore.

"Jin." He says softly. Her eyes flit up to his own, and back down again. She sniffles and furiously wipes her eyes with the back of her clean hand, her bloody one still shaking.

"I'm fine," Jinora says stubbornly. She wipes her bloody hand on her jeans. "I'm fine Kai, really."

"Jinora-"

"I said I'm fine, Kai!" she snaps, her eyes narrowing. Kai frowns at her, but doesn't say another word. He knows what it's like, to do the unimaginable. To never be the same. God does he know. Jinora pushes past him, her eyes glistening. "Let's go," she says roughly, completely unlike her.

Kai's still holding her knife, and he only gives it back once they make camp, just along the rim of the city. Jinora breaks down as she takes the hilt, and Kai pulls her into his arms and let's her cry. "I didn't mean to," she swears, barely audible through her cries, her breathing laboured. "I swear I didn't-"

"I know."

He holds her until she falls asleep, and then gently sets her down in the sleeping bag and takes the first watch without complaint.