Author's Note: These are the last three chapters that I have completed. I have large portions of chapters 17 and 18 done but they still need editing. Chapter 17 is called Anniversary, I really hoped to have it up by today the full year since I first published this story but unfortunately I couldn't get it done in time. Chapter 18 is called Meet the Kuonjis in which Ranma finally meets Ukyo's parents. I don't know when or if these chapters will ever be completed. I have become discouraged and lost interest in continuing this story at this point. Sorry about not having the chapters posted by New Year's like I promised. Anyways, I don't know when the other two chapters will be finished, not anytime soon that's for sure. I would like to publish them one day and write a nineteenth and final chapter to close this story out. Thanks to everyone who followed me over the past year, it was fun at first and I hope you have enjoyed this story.
Ranma & Ukyo's Cupid Season 2
Chapter 14. Ailurophobia
It was late evening and the sun had already set. Ranma was walking down a dimly lit street, having just left Ukyo's. He heard a can rattle and looked behind, but there was nothing there.
"Just the wind!" he thought and continued walking until he heard the sound again. He turned, but again nothing was there. Ranma continued walking albeit a bit faster, but when he turned the corner he came upon something that would stop him dead in his tracks. In the middle of the road there stood a ferocious, viscious, ravenous, hellacious, little... kitten!
Ranma screamed in horror and ran home as fast as he could. "That was a close one!" he said panting.
"Ranma dear, glad to see you're home on time." Nodoka greeted him.
Ranma went upstairs to his room to try and get his mind off of the frightful life threatening experience he just had. He flipped on the tv to see what was on.
"Who do ya call when ya want some pepperoni?"
"Oh no!" Ranma gasped.
"Samurai Pizza Cats!"
He shut his eyes tight and quickly fumbled for the remote to change the channel. "Whew! Close one!" he thought after finding another show. He dozed off for a moment then woke up again.
"And now, it's time for the hit show everybody and their mother is talking about, My Cat from the World of Darkness!"
"Nooooo!"
"What on earth is going on in here?" Nodoka asked as she flung open the door.
"Cats! C- c- cats! Catssssss!" Ranma yelped frantically.
"What has gotten into you!?" Nodoka asked.
"Get 'em away!" Ranma shouted. Nodoka grabbed him and held him until he finally calmed down. After that, he explained to her how he developed his ailurophobia, or fear of cats.
"I see." she said. "I'll have a talk with that man about this." That night, Genma recieved several whacks from the rolling pin.
XXX
The next evening at Ucchan's, the volume of customers was so high that they were packed in like sardines while a line formed outside and down the sidewalk. As they were waiting, the people started to become impatient and began chanting, "Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!"
At the end of the day, Ukyo flipped the open sign over to closed and Konatsu collapsed on the floor. "I'm exhuasted!" she said.
"Me too." Ukyo said sitting on the floor. "If this keeps up, I'm gonna have to hire another new employee."
That night, she made up an advertisment reading, "Help Wanted: Okonomiyaki/Pancake chef to work evenings and weekends."
Over the next week, applications poured in and Ukyo did many interviews, but no one knew how to make pancakes right. Some made them too doughy and thick, others made them too crispy and thin and Ukyo was too busy to teach them.
"It's hopeless!" she lamented before going to bed. "There just aren't any great pancake cooks around Nerima."
XXX
The next morning at Furikan High.
"Attention students! We have a new student here today, she's a foreign exchange student from Swigermarkland. Her name is Olga Müllenheimer."
Olga was a tall busty blonde that kept her hair in a long braid. Today she was dressed in a white shirt with a red and black checkered mini-skirt with tall white stockings. She carried a large backpack on her everywhere she went.
"Wow! What a babe!" exclaimed Daisuke with Hiroshi seconding him.
"Hey!" Yuzuki exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing you idiot!?"
"What's the matter? Jealous?" Daisuke teased.
Yuzuki blushed, "No! I just don't want you dweebs to make the new girl feel uncomfortable!"
"Olga Müllenheimer eh? Hmm, that name seems awfully familiar." thought Ranma. "I think I might have met her somewhere before."
Olga took a seat right in front of Ukyo and the others. While the teacher was getting her papers ready to start class, Olga overheard them talking.
"I've been absolutely swamped at the restaurant here lately!" Ukyo said sighing. "I really need a new employee, but I can't find anyone who can make pancakes right."
"Excuse me." Olga said.
"Yes?" Ukyo asked.
"I know how to make pancakes. I also need a job." she responded.
Ukyo eyes got wide. "Really?"
"Ja!" Olga replied.
Ukyo's expression became serious. "Show me your skills."
Olga whipped out a skillet and batter and magically heated it 'cause it's slapstick and cooked a delicious buttery pancake.
Ukyo bit into it. "Delicious!" she exclaimed. "You're hired! When can you start?"
"Later today!" she answered.
Ukyo had eaten a full breakfast that morning and wasn't very hungry, so she sat the unfinished pancake on the corner of her desk. During class, she noticed out of her peripheral vision, something grabbing her food!
"Hey! My pancake!" she bursted out.
"Miss Kuonji, would you like to see Principal Kuno?" the teacher asked.
"No..." she said, quietly sitting back down.
"Very well then." the teacher said, turning back to her chalkboard to continue the lesson. "Blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah ha blabba blah... blah ha!"
"I know I saw something grab that pancake." Ukyo thought to herself. "And it wasn't human!"
"Munch munch munch."
"What was that?" someone asked.
"It was nothing!" Olga said nervously.
"Crunch crunch crunch."
"I heard it that time." said the teacher.
"Just the howling winds!" said Olga suspiciously.
"Oooogggllllleeeeerrrrrppppphhhheeeerrrrraaaalllllll."
"It's coming from the backpack!" yelled a student.
"Goodness me!" exclaimed Olga. "I must have left my mp3 player on!"
"This is your first day here so I'll let it go, but from now on no mp3 players in class. Is that understood Miss Müllenheimer?" spoke the the teacher.
"Yes ma'am." she answered and for several minutes there was silence, except for the teacher's voice.
"Blibbity blabbity bloo. Blabben no habben no blah blah blah." screeched the teacher as she scribbled indecipherable symbols on the chalkboard.
"Burp!"
The teacher stopped mid-scribble. "Blah bla- err... I mean, who did THAT!?"
"Sorry, it was me!" Olga said raising her hand. "Too many pickled schnozzen hagen sausages for breakfast this morning!"
The teacher took off her glasses and looked her square in they eye, "I know it's your first day, but one more little outburst and I will send you straight to the principal young lady!"
"Yes ma'am." she said quietly.
XXX
After a hectic first day as school, Olga reported to work at Okonomiyaki Ucchan's.
"Okay Miss Müllenhammer was it?" Ukyo asked Olga.
"Müllenheimer!" she responded.
"Oh yes, sorry." Ukyo continued. "I'll be putting you in charge of the pancake department. Konatsu, you'll be in charge of the okonomiyaki department. I'll watch over the two of you from the cash register."
"Yes Miss Ukyo!" Konatsu replied before turning to Olga and saying, "I'm so excited to have a new employee to work with. I think you'll really love it here, I know I do!"
There was a steady stream of customers and Ukyo and Konatsu both were highly impressed with Olga's speed and skill.
"Wow, you really know your way around the skillet!" Konatsu exclaimed.
"Thanks!" Olga said. "My parents own the biggest pancake house in all of Swigermarkland, it's called Das Sumpre Pfannkuchenhaus am Ende der Zeit!"
"Impressive!" said Ukyo, who then told her about her mother's okonomiyaki restaurant.
XXX
During lunch break, Ranma stopped to chat with Ukyo like he usually did now. Meanwhile, Konatsu and Olga shared lunch together. Konatsu was gradually becoming accustomed to eating human food such as tuna salad and pickled eggs, but she still kept a can of cat food around for a tasty treat because old habits are hard to kick.
The Cat Fud™ brand cat food can was sitting off to the side, right beside of Olga's backpack which she carried with her everywhere she went. It was turkey & cheese, Konatsu's personal favorite. After she finished her tuna salad sub sandwich, Konatsu reached for her cat food can. But it was gone!
"Oh no! My special treat! That was the last can I had!" Konatsu cried.
Clang! Rattle! The cat food can rolled across the floor. Now it was empty!
"What fiend would do this?" Konatsu cried. "That was Cat Fud™ brand, the best that yen can purchase!"
"Oh, I've heard of this happening!" Olga said thinking quickly. "It's called 'Spontaneous Cat Food Combustion Syndrome', it's where the cat food can spontaneously explodes for no discernable reason! Very common with the Cat Fud™ brand!"
"I had no idea!" Konatsu said believing every word.
Before he left, Ranma leaned in and kissed Ukyo. It was national Super Thanksgiving Day for Japan Only and Ukyo had made him a special okonomiyaki. It was covered with a spicy honey mustard cranberry sauce, topped with shredded turkey and mashed potatoes with gravy. The turkey gave off a delicious aroma, so did the cranberry sauce.
Suddenly, as Ranma was leaving, Olga's backpack leapt into the air and attacked him!
"What the hell!?" he asked as the backpack charged at him again.
"Nooo!" Olga yelled trying to grab the backpack, but it was too fast for her. It leapt overtop of her and grabbed Ranma's homemade lunch.
"Hey!" he yelled. "That's mine! Give it back!" But Ranma couldn't catch it and the backpack ran outside, climbing up on top of the restaurant. Not willing to give up his lunch without a fight, Ranma leapt after it.
"Okay backpack." he said. "You're going down! Kachū Tenshin Amaguriken!" Ranma's attack missed and the backpack slammed right into his face so hard it knocked him off the roof!
"Ranma honey! Are you okay!?" Ukyo asked running to him.
"What the hell is in that damn backpack!?" he asked.
The backpack took the lunch and ate it. "Nom nom nom!"
"Hey!" Ukyo yelled, drawing her spatula. "That was my Ranchan's lunch that I personally made just for him! You're gonna pay for that you jackass backpack!"
Ukyo leapt on top of the roof and swung her spatula at the backpack which jumped and dodged it. It rammed her and knocked her down several times but each time she got back up and swung again.
"Hold still you backass jackpack!" Ukyo yelled, swinging and swinging until finally, she smacked it down.
"Let's see what the heck is in here." she said unzipping the now seemingly unconcious backpack.
"BURP!" whatever was in the backpack let out an enormous belch.
Ukyo pinched her nose and covered her mouth. "Oh God! What a stench!"
By the time all this had transpired, Olga herself had climbed up onto the roof to retrieve her backpack. "Nein! Schlechte miezekatze schlecht!"
"Alright Müllenhammer," Ukyo said. "Fess up! What the hell is in that damn thing!?"
Olga looked down and hesitated. "Meine muschi..."
"Your huh?" Ukyo asked.
"Meine katze..." she said.
Olga's backpack wiggled and out crawled a forty pound fluffy black cat. "Miau! Miau!"
"A cat!?" everyone asked in astonishment.
"Yes." she said tears welling up in her eyes. "The leader of Swigermarkland has ailurophobia and has banned all cats! So I escaped here with Fluffenhagan!" Fluffenhagan licked his paw and purred.
"Awww! How cute!" exclaimed Konatsu, who had just climbed up on the roof to help.
"Oh no, Ranchan!" Ukyo thought, but he had already took off. "Alright, lunch break is over, time for you two to get back to work. I'll deal with the cat thing when I get back."
Ukyo jumped down and went looking for Ranma. "Where did he take off too?" she wondered.
She decided to stop by Ranma's house and see if he was there. She rang his ordinary, everyday, common, run of the mill doorbell and waited. Expecting Nodoka, she was startled when Genma answered instead.
"Well, if it isn't my future daughter-in-law! How good to see you!" he said, brownosing as usual.
"Have you seen Ranchan around? There was cat and he took off. I was hoping he'd be here?"
"Nope." he replied. "Haven't seen 'em all day."
Meanwhile, back at Ucchan's.
"Umm... Miss Olga?" Konatsu asked nervously.
"Yes?"
"Do you know how to work a cash register?"
XXX
After searching for several hours, Ukyo gave up and went back home. She couldn't fire Olga because she was too good of a cook, so she simply told her to leave the Fluff outside from now on. The rest of the evening was uneventful. After the workday was over, Ukyo went upstairs to her room. Bored, she turned on the television.
"Coming up next on the Creature Planetoid channel, a new episode of My Cat From the World of Darkness."
"Well if your cat's misbehavin'
and your marriage needs savin'
if your cats be a peein'
and your husband is a leavin'
if your cats be a pukin'
but your boyfriend says nuke 'em
Johnson Star System is the one to call!"
Loud heavy metal music blarred and images of monster trucks and tigers jumping through rings of fire flashed. A large built man with really long brown hair, a beard, tattoos, and dressed in leather with a Metallica shirt, came on screen. "Hey everybody! Rock you like a hurricane! I'm Johnson Star System and if you're having cat trouble, I'm the one to call!"
A lightbulb, though not necessarily the same lightbulb that went off over her head when she decided to start serving on pancakes, went off over Ukyo's head. "I bet this guy could help Ranma honey!"
She called up the demon cat hotline and waited. Finally, a young girl answered saying, "Like, thanks a bunch for calling the demon cat like, hotline and stuff! Like, please hold and we'll be with you shortly!" Ukyo held patiently while Metallica's "Seek & Destroy" played.
"Okay, like, I want to totally thank you for holding! How can I help you today?" the girl asked enthusiastically.
"I was hoping that Mr. Star System could come help my boyfriend." Ukyo said.
"Oh, I'm like totally sorry Ma'am, but Mr. Solar System only helps with cats." the girl replied.
"Exactly!" Ukyo said. "My boyfriend has a cat problem and needs help."
"Oh okay. Cool, but Mr. Star System is like, totally busy and stuff. He only comes to help people who he shows on his number one rated television broadcast program. Mmkay?"
"But my boyfriend is deathly afraid of cats! You gotta help him!" Ukyo pleaded desperatly.
"Whoa, is your boyfriend like, some kind of whimp or something?" the girl asked.
Ukyo became angry, "Listen here you jackassified, bimboificated moron! My boyfriend is a bad ass! He is one of the most powerful martial artists in all of Japan!"
"But he's afraid of cats?" the girl interjected.
"Because his own father is a maniac who tied him up, covered him in sardines, locked him in a room full of cats and let them claw, scratch, and bite him when he was still just a child, all so he could learn the stupid Cat Fist technique!" Ukyo yelled.
The girl was silent at first, then she began to sob. "I'm so sorry! I can't believe someone would like, do that to a kid! I'm totally sure Mr. Star System will come help you!"
After getting off the phone, the girl, whose name was Lizzy "Don't Stop" Go, went to talk to Johnson Star System.
"And so, you like totally gotta help them Mr. Solar System!" she finished.
"Rock me like a hurricane! That story is more tragic than Metallica's hit song 'One'. I will totally help this poor dude out! By the way Lizzy, it's Star System, 'cause I'm a star!" he said with a bright smile and a wink.
Lizzy called Ukyo back and arranged with her to have them on the show. The next day, Ukyo stopped by the Saotome's house to let Ranma know.
"You want me to what!?" Ranma exclaimed when Ukyo broke the news to him.
"But Ranma honey..."
"No way! No how! No cats!" he stated adamently.
"But it will help you!" she said.
"I refuse!" he shouted. "I resist!"
"How pathetic!" Genma stated, but before he could even start his next sentence, Ranma gave him the boot and sent him flying.
"Ranma dear," his mother spoke, "Ukyo is right. You need to get over this fear of cats. Why don't you let the nice man from the hit tv show help you?"
"I've functioned just fine with ailurowhatyacallit up until now, I don't need no stinkin' tv show to cure me!" he said.
Ukyo continued trying to persuade him. "Wouldn't you like to be free of this? Usually you like challenges. Just think, maybe it could make you a better martial artist."
Ranma folded his arms. "Don't wanna, ain't gonna."
Ukyo put her hand on his shoulder. "Ranma honey, I know you're afraid of cats, that's why I'd like you to go on the show. I'm just trying to help you."
Ranma put his hand on hers and smiled. "I know Ucchan."
"So then you'll do it?" she asked.
"Nope!" he replied.
Ukyo threw her hands up. "You're so stubborn sometimes!" she yelled.
He turned his head and muttered, "Still ain't happening."
Frustrated, Ukyo left and Ranma went back up to his room.
Nodoka giggled, "Just like a married couple."
XXX
Next Wednesday, or Wotan's Day, a pink cadillac with dinosaur decals drove up to Ucchan's while blasting 'The Mob Rules' by Black Sabbath. Johnson Star Sytem and co. had arrived in Nerima and were ready to film the latest episode of My Cat From the World of Darkness.
"Hello Clevel- ...I mean Hello Nerima!" Johnson Star System said as he and his tv crew arrived at Ucchan's.
Along with him came his assistant, Lizzy "Don't Stop" Go, and Camera-man Jöe "Just Plain" Jöe. Lizzy was a young girl barely twenty, she had teased long blonde hair and was wearing a red headband with a black leather jacket, black sweatpants, and a Blue Öyster Cult Imaginos shirt. Jöe was tall with a big bushy beard and a long brown ponytail. He was dressed in jeans and a Dio Holy Diver shirt. Johnson had decided to change things up and wear a Megadeth shirt instead of his usual Metallica one.
"Rock knock! Anyone home?" Johnson asked as he knocked or technically "rock knocked" on Ukyo's door.
"Oh hey..." she said as she slowly opened the door. "I'm sorry, I tried to get a hold of you, but my boyfriend doesn't want to do the show and he's really stubborn about it."
"No problem or conblem, dudette." said Johnson. "I think we can convince him. Everybody and their mother wants to be on tv."
"Well, I can take you to him, but I doubt you'll persuade him." Ukyo said. She, Johnson and crew all showed up at Ranma's door and rather than ring his ordinary doorbell, Johnson rock knocked as loud as he could.
"Here I am! Knock you like a hurricane!" he sang drawing groans from Lizzy and Jöe.
"We'll like, totally edit that one out and stuff." Lizzy said.
"Hello?" Nodoka answered. "Oh my! You're from that tv show!"
"Yes ma'am." Johnson answered. "Is the one called Horse With No Name Young Iron Maiden home?"
"Ranma Saotome." Ukyo corrected him.
"Yeah, Saotome. Ranma Saotome." Star System repeated.
"That's my son, I'll go get him." Nodoka replied.
"I'm not going near any cats!" Ranma said adamantly.
"Please Ranma." Ukyo pleaded. "Do it for me."
Ranma didn't say anything but appeared to be thinking it over so Ukyo continued, "I really would like to see you cured. I know you'd be a lot happier. I love you Ranma, I want to see your life improved. You got rid of the Jusenkyo curse, wouldn't you like to get rid of the other one?"
"Wow." Johnson commented. "You are one lucky dude. This chick is totally 'Burnin' For You' man!"
"At least give it a try!" Ukyo begged.
Ranma sighed, "Oh alright, I'll give it a try. For you Ucchan."
"Woo! Hooray for love!" Lizzy shouted, causing both Ranma and Ukyo to blush.
"Alright headbangers, let's get this party started!" exclaimed Johnson.
"Actually." Ukyo said. "If it's alright with you, I'd like you to do it in the upstairs of my place. My new employees aren't completly trained yet so I need to check in on them from time to time."
"That is a-okay, b-okay, and C.O.C.-okay!" Johnson replied.
"Edit that out too." Lizzy whisped to Jöe.
After that, Ranma and everybody except his mother went down to Ucchan's to set-up to film the show.
"Isn't it exciting to think we'll be on tv?" Ukyo asked.
"Hey yeah, I guess it kinda is." Ranma said, although he was starting to feel a lot of trepidation at the thought of being near a feline.
"Okay headbangers, first we need to film the intro. Why don't you two introduce yourselves."
"I'm Ranma Saotome and this is my girlfriend Ukyo Kuonji."
"Soon to be a Saotome too!" she added.
"Okay, very good." said Johnson. "Now tell us a little about yourselves."
"I'm a martial artist of the Saotome branch of Anything Goes Martial Arts." said Ranma proudly.
"And I'm the owner of Okonomiyaki Ucchan's and an aspiring master okonomiyaki cheffette!" Ukyo added with pride.
"Excellent sauce! Now tell us why you're on the show tonight."
"I have ailuroanchovia"
"Ailurophobia actually!" Ukyo said. "His father tied him up, covered him in sardines, locked him in a room full of cats and let them claw, scratch, and bite him when he was still just a child, just so he could learn the dumb Cat Fist technique!"
"Psycho Circus!" Johnson commented.
"I saw your show on tv and felt you were the only one who could help him." Ukyo said.
"Great, we're good to go on the intro folks, now let's get down to business." Star System said. "Lizzy, get the equipment bag."
Lizzy grunted as she heaved the big bag over to Johnson, "Here you go Mr. Solar System."
"Star System." he said. "First let's test him to see how bad his ailurophobia 'n roll is."
Lizzy hummed to the tune of "Mr. Crowley" while she hooked Ranma up to several machine heads in order to moniter his vital responses. "Do you like heavy metal?" she asked Ukyo.
"Actually, I like traditional Japanese music." she answered.
"Oh, like Loudness and X-Japan?" Lizzy asked. "I'm totally into those guys!"
"Not quite." Ukyo answered.
"Unleash the beast!" Johnson called and Lizzy held up a cute little white munchkin kitten.
"How cute!" Ukyo exclaimed.
"Oh dear God get it away from me!" Ranma cried as the needle on the fear-o-meter went clear past 'scared out of his mind' to 'scared shitless'. Lizzy held the kitten away and the needle returned to normal.
"Hot diggity damn dude. You got it bad!" Johnson said viewing the stats on his moniter. "This will make a greatcellent episode!"
"I'm gettin' the hell outta here!" Ranma said trying to make an escape.
"Just where do you think you're going?" Ukyo asked blocking his way.
"Away from all these cats!"
"You agreed to let them help you! I would think you'd want cured!" Ukyo said.
Johnson picked up his microphone and did voice-over commentary for the episode. "The lovers quarrel over whether to go through with the therapy or not. Will Ranma wimp out or not?"
"Hey! I ain't no wimp!" Ranma yelled.
"Then go through with the therapy." Ukyo said.
Ranma went and sat back down, folding his arms. "This had better work."
"Okay Lizzy." said Johnson. "It's time to awaken Count Catula."
She gasped. "Not him!"
"Yes." Johnson said. "If Count Catula sucks his blood, he will suck out the ailurophobia. We must release him."
"Surely not." she asked with trepidation. "Last time Count Catula was released from his seasons in the abyss, darkness decended and he reigned in blood for a thousand and three-fourths years.
"Yes, but the sun is up so he will be weak." Johnson assured her.
Lizzy pulled out a small coffin and pryed it open. Inside was the mummy of a cat. She sprinkled mice blood on it and it began to glow with the black light of Saturn. Black Sabbath thundered from the amplifier and Catula awoke!
"It's alive!" Johnson shouted as Count Catula rose from the grave. Catula was an all black short-haired cat with piercing green eyes. He had a small black cape around his neck.
"Meow! Meow!" said the Count.
"Aren't you just totally the cutest thing like evah!" squealed Lizzy. "Here's a treat for you."
"Oh no Lizzy, Count Catula is a blood sucker. He doesn't eat regular food. Although he does enjoy the scent of a rotting carcass."
"Yuck city!" she exclaimed.
Upon witnessing Count Catula's ressurection through carnage, Ranma fainted.
"Alright Count, do your stuff!" Johnson said. Catula walked up to Ranma and sniffed him, then rubbed his cheeks against him.
"He totally likes this Ramen dude." Lizzy said.
Catula raised his tail and marked his territory on Ranma's shirt. The putrid stench reaked of rotten Australian pouch-skunk eggs, maggots and dying worms. Not even Danzig himself could withstand the rancid odor!
"Quick, put on your rock masks!" Johnson said pulling out a mask that looked similar to a tengu. Lizzy and Jöe pulled out theirs aswell. Lizzy's mask looked like a kabuki dancer and Jöe's looked like King Ghidorah.
Catula bit Ranma on the neck and sucked his blood. As soon as he finished, Johnson lobbed a garlic bomb at him to knock him unconcious, then quickly drove a rib-eye steak through his heart. He and Lizzy nailed down the coffin lid while chanting his name backwards, "Alutac, alutac, alutac!" and thus Count Catula was sealed within his tomb for another thousand years or so.
After the seven seals were hermetically resealed, they used a super advanced military grade deodorizer technology commonly referred to as 'febreeze' to clean up the room.
"Oh man, what happened?" Ranma asked as he began to wake up. "Hey, where's my shirt?"
"Um... I don't think you'll want to wear that again." Johnson said. "Here, let's test to see if he's cured. Lizzy..."
"No, please no!" Ranma begged.
"Unleash the kraken!" Johnson called out, Lizzy pulled out the white munchkin kitten and showed it to Ranma who flew into a panic and began screaming.
"Damn, I really thought that would work." Johnson said. "Welp, back to the rocking board."
Meanwhile, downstairs, Ukyo was installing the new tv she bought in order to enhance her customer's experience.
"Miss Ukyo! Miss Ukyo!"
"Yes Konatsu?" she asked.
"Sorry to ask but... what does the number eight look like again?"
Ukyo sighed, "It's the one with two circles on top of each other."
"Oh right! I keep forgetting that one!" Konatsu said as she finished ringing up the customer.
"First thing next Monday morning I'm gonna go get Konatsu enrolled at Furikan High." Ukyo thought as she hammered in the nail.
"Miss Ukyo! Miss Ukyo!"
"What is it now Konatsu?" an agitated Ukyo asked.
"Which one is seven?"
"Grrrr! Olga! You're on cash register now!" she yelled.
Back upstairs, Johnson was trying another method to cure Ranma.
"Alright kid, Dr. Feelgood here is gonna make ya feel alright and cure you of your ailurophobia." said Star System. "Take this."
"What is it?" Ranma asked.
"Lysergic acid diethylamide." Johnson answered.
Back downstairs, the customers were thinning out and there wasn't as much work to do.
"Can I help with the tv?" Konatsu asked.
"No." Ukyo answered.
"Please?"
"No." she repeated.
"Please!" Konatsu begged.
Ukyo sighed, "Oh alright, hand me the hammer."
"Hammer." Konatsu said handing an object to her.
"Konatsu dear." Ukyo said.
"Yes?"
"This is a screwdriver!"
XXX
Several hours later...
"Okay, the LSD failed, now let's try LDS!" Johnson said as he opened up the book of Mormon and read it to Ranma. Meanwhile, back downstairs...
Ukyo turned on the newly installed television for her customers to enjoy. It was turned to channel 5,165.4 news, which was playing a speech from the leader of Swigermarkland.
"Machen Swigermarkland wieder groß!" he screamed.
Seeing that it was upsetting Olga, she quickly turned it to another channel. Tanks were driving through the streets and running over protesters while buildings burned in the background. A reporter spoke saying, "Today Swigermarkland conquered yet another country and is now Swigermarklandway."
"Damnit!" Ukyo said trying to find another channel.
A leader of another nation was giving a speech. "We have nothing to fear but Swigermarklandway itself!"
Ukyo changed it to channel 665.9½. "Welcome to the Super Duper Cooking Super Channel, I'm your host Masa Suchuwato and today we'll be making delicious, buttery, crispy, fluffy, golden pancakes!"
"Oh I just love Miss Masa Suchuwato!" Konatsu exclaimed.
"Ya know Miss Masa." her assistant said. "I hear in Swigermarkland, or I think it's Swigermarklandway now, that the leader got a tummy ache from a batch of pancakes he ate and has now imposed a nationwide ban on pancakes and waffles."
"Oh dear!" Suchuwato said.
"Mother... father..." Olga thought sadly. "What will they do now?"
"If the next channel has anything to do with that stupid country I'll get in a plane, fly over there and bomb it myself!" Ukyo said as she changed it to channel 33.3!
"Tonight on the Super Duper Comedy Super Show, black nercomancers from an underground Himalayan secret society have performed a secret ritual to ressurect to flesh the ultimate comedy master, Super Biru Hikkusu! After these messages..."
"Hi everyone! It's me Ryou and my sister Kyou, we're the double mint twins and..."
"Okay." Ukyo said smiling. "Looks like everything is set, now to check up on Ranma honey." She went upstairs to see if Johnson Star System had made any progress with Ranma's ailurophobia.
"Oh, great timing gal!" Star System said. "You're just in time to help us with the ritual. Put your hands like this and chant bitorujusu, bitorujusu, bitorujusa..."
"Bitorujusu, bitorujusu, like, bitorujusa and stuff!" chanted Lizzy.
Ukyo was unsure of such a method, but she really wanted to cure Ranma so she went along with it putting her hands in uttarabodhi mudra and chanting, "Bitorujusu, bitorujusu, bitorujusa!"
Together, Johnson, Lizzy, and Ukyo chanted until a portal was opened to the netherworld and an otherwordly being could step through.
"What you want?" the being asked in a Redd Foxx accent.
"Cure my boyfriend's ailurophobia!" Ukyo pleaded.
"His ailuro-what!?" the being asked.
"His ailurophobia!" she repeated.
"Hell nah!" the being answered. "That sounds contagious!"
"It's a fear of cats actually." Johnson said. "He's deathly afraid of cats and needs help."
"Ha ha ha! What a wuss!" the spirit laughed.
"Jackass! It isn't funny!" Ukyo yelled, proceeding to explain what happened to Ranma as a child.
"Hmm, that's pretty whack." said the inhabitant of the netherworld. "Tell ya what, give me a drop of blood and I'll cure 'em up."
"Blood!?" Ukyo exclaimed. "You can't be serious!"
"I ain't doin' it for free girly." said the being. "A drop of blood or I'll go back to the netherworld and leave you with nothing!"
"But will it really work?" Ukyo asked.
"If you truly love him it will." it replied.
"Then I'll do it." she said.
"Hold out your hand." the being said.
Ukyo pricked her finger drawing blood and held her hand out. The creature absorbed its energy, partially materializing through it, then hovered over Ranma for a few minutes.
"It is done." spoke the being. "Your boyfriend is cured." The spirit being then went through the portal and returned to netherworld. Ukyo ran to Ranma to see if he was alright.
"Where am I?" he asked as she hugged and kissed him.
"Alright Lizzy, get the munchkin." said Johnson. Lizzy held the white kitten up to Ranma.
"What a cute little kitty." he said. "Hey, what d'ya know! I'm cured!"
"Woo hoo!" Lizzy yelled as she, Jöe and Johnson all high-fived.
"Oh Ranma honey! You're finally cured!" Ukyo exclaimed hugging him tight.
"And it's all thanks to you Ucchan." he said smiling. "I love you."
"I hope you got that on camera Jöe!" Star System said. Jöe gave a thumbs up.
Ukyo stood up and bowed to Johnson. "Thank you so much Mr. Star System."
"Yeah, thanks!" Ranma added getting to his feet.
"No problem." replied Johnson. "This is what I do for a living. Besides, it was your love that let the spirit cure him. Not to mention this will make a spectaculartastic episode! This is gonna be the season finale!"
Coming up in the next chapter of Ranma & Ukyo's Cupid, more pandemonium, more funky doorbells, more pancakes, and more romance! Next chapter is called Ghost & Spice! See ya there!