"Severus, wake up." Snape rolls over halfway with a grunt, trying to see who is harassing him this early in the morning. He looks over blearily at a disgustingly chipper Dumbledore. "Here, dear boy, drink some of this." Snape props himself on an elbow and looks at the proffered bottle. It has a green liquid as chipper looking as the headmaster.
"Headmaster, how did you get in here?"
"I have the keys to all rooms in Hogwarts." He presses the bottle into Snape's limp fingers which are a few shades paler than normal. As is the rest of him.
Snape looks down at the bottle with what, with more energy, would be a look of trepidation. "Why would I take this?"
"You are in obvious need of some energy, Severus. This potion has been proven quite effective."
Snape pours a little onto his finger, and the energy is like a flash into his skin, but soon it is gone. He licks it off cautiously and again a weak jolt of energy infuses him, though this time it lingers. Gauging the strength roughly, he swallows the whole bottle. Dumbledore's eyes widen slightly. Snape gets slowly to his feet. "Was that potion tempered with?" He asks, belatedly realizing its odd properties. It had been much less effective than the last time he took it.
"No, Severus. It wasn't." Dumbledore looks at Snape oddly.
"Why are you here so early, Dumbledore?" Snape grumbles as he stands up, dropping his stained robe to the floor and fishing around for another one in his closet.
"It is almost three in the afternoon."
"Oh." Snape replies listlessly.
"Umbridge has been frozen into ice, Severus. I came to ask you if you had a large vat of Melting Potion. I understand your students concocted one last week."
Snape thinks briefly. "Yes, they did. It should be in the Potions Lab." He pauses. "Umbridge is a block of ice?"
"Yes, Pirhanis cast what he is terming 'Ice Comet' on her in the Great Hall. Fortunately it did not seem to do her any harm."
"Beyond sealing her within ice?"
"Well, yes. But she appears quite unharmed under it. We have even seen some signs that she is still conscious."
"Why do we care, Dumbledore? I am quite irritated by her and I can at least pretend to go along with her. She seems to like me at times. Ironically." Snape yawns and comes up with a new robe which he pulls on slowly.
"Severus that will have been two incidents surrounding Hogwarts. Any more and the Ministry might see fit to do something rash. Of course I have an alternate plan…" Dumbledore's eyes mist over slightly. He shakes his head and continues, "But I do think it best if I can stay here. Voldemort will be trying to get Harry, and I want to be here in case he does."
"Other Order members will be here."
Dumbledore raises an eyebrow. "True."
Snape pauses. "Why am I still getting dressed?" He asks himself, holding a faded black sock. He wanders back over to the bed and lies back down. "The potion should be marked as such in the Lab." He turns over and to all appearances is asleep. Dumbledore pokes him with his wand. Snape jumps off the bed, using it as a barricade, wand out and pointed at Dumbledore. "When did you get back in here? I was asleep!" he growls.
"I didn't leave, my dear boy. You just lay down."
"Do you still require me?"
"No."
"Then you can let yourself out, I assume." With that he crawls back onto the bed and falls back to sleep. With a worried look, Dumbledore turns from the flat form of the potions professor and exits the room, closing the wards as he leaves the apartment.
* * *
"I could just cast Inferno of Al'Kabor on her." Pirhanis says as numerous ministry officials swarm around the block of ice that is Umbridge.
"That will be quite unnecessary, Pirhanis. I have obtained some Melting Potion from Severus."
"That will probably work better, anyway. I'm not that great at fire spells. Though it is an evocation spell. I do enjoy those." Pirhanis muses.
"What is he talking about?" asks Fudge of an Auror.
"He has explained much of the spell system to us, but we are still working out the particulars." He glances at the ebony elf dubiously.
"Hey, since I was a non-human when the attack happened, does that mean I'm a dangerous animal?" Pirhanis asks of the auror. The auror ignores him. "Ah, well. It feels so good to be my elfy self."
The potion is administered to the block of ice, quickly spreading a large pool of water across the Great Hall floor. Meeb pauses his browsing of the remainder of lunch to lap at the water peaceably. Fickle wanders in from a side door and joins Meeb's browsing. As it comes over to Pirhanis, it looks up and pauses. "Valrac. Why have you changed your form? I thought you found the turning into others disturbing."
"Well, this is my form, you know. Sort of." He looks up, tapping a long indigo finger on the tip of his nose. "Well, anyway… where have you been for the past day and a half?"
"I have been converting the Library into PDF format."
"The whole library?!?"
"97.56% of it. I was unable to scan several books due to their natures. One turned into a face and screamed at me. I was able to capture a photograph of it, and have it filed as a JPEG. Similarly, the rest were recorded as image files."
"I see. Just how large is your hard drive?"
"Red Goat's is 40GB, Fickle's 30GB, but I have utilized a fractal compression that lets me store near infinitely on one supplementary CDR."
"Oh."
"That way the hard drives can be reserved for software and memory to perform tasks." Pirhanis looks dazed, like a student in Binns' class. Or perhaps, more like someone who has just come through multiple science exams. It turns to the auror. "Why are you bothering to free her? That is probably a more secure prison than Azkaban, with her connection to the Dementors."
The auror turns and starts backwards, wand pointed at Fickle. "What is this? Another magical creature? How many unregistered beings do you have here?"
"I am not magical. Well, in some sense one could argue that. But it would be more appropriate to term me a self sustaining mental projection of Muggle technology years in the future, this time-line." Fickle pauses to speak to itself. "But you have not answered my question."
"Delores Umbridge is high ranking in the Ministry; she has done nothing to warrant imprisonment."
"Ah. I have a confession right here, I believe." A whirring sound ensues as the goat's shaggy head dips down to the floor.
"What are you talking about?" asks Fudge, tuning into the conversation.
"Ah, yes. Here it is. Page 746 of Harry Potter and the…" Red Goat's breath (?) whooshes out of it in a crackling of static as Pirhanis kicks it in its side.
"The fifth Harry Potter book in the series, that being his fifth year of Hogwarts."
"What was it going to say?" Fudge interrupts. "What is the title of the fifth book?"
"Harry Potter and the … erm… Rise of Voldemort." Pirhanis cuts in quickly.
"What?!?" chorus Fudge, the auror and a few others turn and exclaim.
"Harry Potter and the Rise of Voldemort." Red Goat repeats. "As seen from the first year of Harry Potter's Hogwart's career, Voldemort is resolved to regain his physical self and rid the world of that which before cost him his war- Harry Potter. In the forth book the Dark Lord succeeded where he had before failed (attempts including the use of the Philosopher's (British versions) or Sorcerer's (American versions) stone, the drinking of unicorn blood, and in a partially unrelated ploy, the use of an enchanted diary to control a host.) This attempt was successful in that it utilized a potion containing the bones of the father, the flesh of the servant (Wormtail) and the blood of the enemy (H. Potter). Though set back by the violent reactions given by the brother wands, Voldemort remains…"
"Oh, gods, stop Fickle. They don't need an analytical essay." Pirhanis rubs his forehead in irritation. Apparently he has also begun to pick up Snape traits. "Just get back to the point. Page 476, was it?"
"Page 476 details the reaction of the Weasly family to the attack on Mr. Arthur Weasly as they gathered at number…" Pirhanis kicks the goat again, earning a reproachful look.
"The part with Umbridge's confession. You know what I meant."
"Page 746, American Version 1.0. Would you like a printed copy? [OK] [Cancel]."
"Sure." Pirhanis answers.
"Not valid input."
"Ok." Pirhanis says, slowly.
"How many copies would you like?"
"Oh, by the gods, just print the stupid thing!" Pirhanis growls. Buzzing whirs preclude the paper that comes out of the goat's ass. Pirhanis grabs it, quickly scanning the page then hands it to the auror, who reads it quickly and passes it to Fudge.
Fudge finishes the paper and looks up at blue elf and red goat. "These are lies. You have written this yourselves." He accuses, waving the paper.
"Oh, if only I could have done so…" Pirhanis trails off happily.
"You can always check. There is still Veritaserum to be had at Hogwarts." The goat replies reasonably.
"Insults to the Ministry by non-human filth like you do not need to be checked!" Fudge huffs indignantly.
"Oh, fine." Pirhanis mutters, abandoning his elf form. "Ok, here we go- I accuse Umbridge." He seems unimpressive to the older wizards.
"Might I see that, Cornelius?" asks Dumbledore politely. He gets the paper, eyes widening as he reaches the end. "I would like to see this investigated as well."
"How did you change your form, young man?" asks the auror pointedly.
"Well… hmm. A very good question. I suppose it was a shift in identities. I really have no idea. You should probably ask Deritine, he's better at it than I am…" Pirhanis looks around but cannot find the dog. "Er… he seems to have left. I guess you could ask Aimry. She started the whole thing, after all."
"I believe it is something like being an Animagus or Metamorphmagus. Mostly under the control of your mind and not requiring the use of a spell." Dumbledore looks over his glasses at Pirhanis for confirmation.
"Yes, that's a good way to describe it." Pirhanis muses.
"Sir, we have run out of Melting Potion." Says an auror who had been working on defrosting Umbridge. She is still completely covered in ice, though it is now only a few centimeters thick instead of nearly two meters.
"Here, I can do the rest. I'll use Fire Bolt, that's only a level 8 spell." Pirhanis sits down with his large book of spells and flips to the very back, mumbling to himself briefly.
"I don't believe that that will be necessary…" Fudge says quickly, but Pirhanis has already jumped to his feet. "Wait…" With a swooping arm gesture followed by a pushing motion reminiscent of the Hadookin from Street Fighter, a ball of flame soars through the air toward the ice cube, sending wizards and witches dodging right and left. It hits dead on at the level of Umbridge's chest. The ice is melted away in about a thirty centimeter diameter and part of the pink is singed to a wounded red-black. Pirhanis pokes the remaining ice with the stick of DOOM and chunks fall away, leaving Umbridge mostly exposed. "Whalla!" Pirhanis gestures elaborately. "Now who wants to go get Snape and get him to give us some Veritaserum?"
"I will go, if you will all wait here." Dumbledore says. He exits through a side door, leaving a singed and shivering Umbridge and a bemused group of Ministry officials.
* * *
"Severus. We have need of your Veritaserum." Dumbledore addresses a boneless (not literally) Snape.
"Why can I not be left in peace for one day?" he asks tiredly. With a groan he gets up, stuffing two feet into the corresponding shoes, not noticing that he still has only one sock on. "I suppose I must be there so that some fool doesn't overdose someone. As would be typical." He walks through the apartment, exiting slightly in front of Dumbledore and turning to lock the wards after the elder wizard.
Snape seems to gain energy as he walks along, no longer looking as though he is being animated by a four-year old. By the time they reach the office off of the Potions classroom, he has enough presence of mind to attempt to keep both the password to the potions cabinet and its location secret from Dumbledore though he knows that the old wizard would hardly be unaware of these facts or able to circumvent them.
Back in the Great Hall the water on the floor had been disposed of, partly with Meeb's help and partly through mopping spells. Hagrid had been called in to care for Meeb while Pirhanis is being detained by the Ministry. Meeb looks at the half-giant in trepidation, the only other creatures he has seen that size were inevitably being nuked by his master.
"Ah, Professor Snape. You have the Veritaserum?" An auror asks.
"Of course." he replies.
"I don't have to be dosed, do I?" Pirhanis asks. "I mean, that stuff is kinda dangerous… I don't want to spill my life story. It could be considered insider trading. You all don't even have Shadows of Luclin out yes, not to mention the other expansions!" He backs away slowly.
"It shouldn't be necessary for you to repeat your confession under the influence of Veritaserum, Pirhanis. You are not the one under trial here, am I correct?" Snape replies coolly.
"Well, no…"
"My dear professor, you know that this is all a mistake, don't you? Fudge, I would never do anything that would hurt the Ministry!" Umbridge simpers to each man in turn. "I cannot be under the influence of such a powerful drug, what if I was to give up Ministry secrets?" she continued, quite logically except for the too high pitch of her voice.
"Posh. I'm sure that these are all lies. We'll dose the goat and get this all cleared up. Then I'm sure the school board will find this as another incident that will stack up nicely to put Dumbledore in Azkaban right with his blue friend and talking pet."
"I do not know that I am prepared to administer the potion to a goat. It was not brewed for that type of use." Snape remarks, annoyed and half-turning back towards his bed.
"Nonsense, Professor. It is the same as any other magical creature."
"It will not be necessary to give me any potions at all, I cannot tell a lie." Fickle says, but is ignored.
"Fickle." Pirhanis whispers, gaining the goat's attention. "You can't tell them anything that would get the Order or Dumbledore in trouble, okay?"
"What are you referencing?"
"Like don't give away the location of it, or who's in it or what Harry is doing as extra-curricular activities. Got it?"
"Understood. No information of this class will be displayed."
"Excellent." Pirhanis pauses. "What if they ask you for it?"
"I will tell them of course."
"But you just said you wouldn't!" Pirhanis whispers fiercely.
"I cannot disobey a direct command."
"Alright, how about this: make a password reference for those items."
"Input password, enter a confirmation." Red Goat stands at attention, legs straight and head cocked at a listening angle.
Pirhanis thinks quickly. "Dumbledore for Minister, Dumbledore for Minister."
"Password confirmed. This option will be accessible through the [Ctrl] [Alt] [Delete] function of the Windows startup screen. This information has been disabled for file sharing."
"What are you two blabbing about? Get away from that animal." Fudge pushes Pirhanis to the side. He backs up and sits on a bench end that is mostly level after Meeb's rampage. "Now, Professor Snape, we understand your concerns, but you can give the goat the potion, can you not."
"Of course I can." Snape says after a slight hesitation to see the nod of consent from the Headmaster. "Fickle, come here and sit upon this bench."
"I cannot sit on that bench; my hindquarters do not conform to its configuration."
"I do not care about the details; just get yourself in a position of rest right here." Snape points to the seat he had before mentioned, irritation at the goat and the Headmaster giving him a boost. Why did the old wizard want him to stall for, anyway? Obviously something having to do with what Pirhanis was muttering to the goat before. Well, if it knows about Umbridge it would undoubtedly have knowledge about the Order. Hopefully the ignorant boy would have figured that out. Fickle moves behind the bench and squats down on its haunches, rearing up and placing its front legs on the bench, hooves tucked back towards its chest.
"I do not require the use of the Veritaserum, I will tell no falsehoods except what I have been programmed falsely with. And that I cannot help."
"Shut that thing up and let's get this going already." Fudge mutters.
Snape carefully measures out a portion from the bottle, a little more than two drops, a human portion, as the goat is slightly larger than and has slightly better resistance too magic. The goat swallows dutifully, though with a rolling of its eyes. "Who will be the questioner?" Snape asks. Fudge waves forward an Auror. It is Kingsly. Dumbledore nods in acceptance.
"What is your full name?"
"My designation is Fickle Narcolepsy the Red Goat. Do you want my system specifications as well?"
Kingsly looks at Fudge, who nods, and Dumbledore who says, "A short version would be enlightening."
"What are, in brief, you system specifications?"
"I am a Windows compatible laptop/desktop."
"What does that mean?" Kingsly asks confusedly. Before the goat could start spouting, Dumbledore cuts him off.
"That is quite off topic and we do not need to hear that again, thank you Fickle."
"Quite right, quite right. Very off topic. Good call. Ask it about that scroll it wrote from its hind end." Fudge waves imperiously.
"The page that you produced, was that an accurate rendering of events?"
"That was a word-for-word printing of the contents of that page. The format was varied slightly to better fit on the page."
"What was on the page?" Kingsly asks.
"A confession of Delores Umbridge to Harry Potter, Ginny Weasly, Ron Weasly, Luna Lovegood, Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle and Neville Longbottom detailing her use of Dementors to discredit Harry Potter and get him expelled from school."
"Is this what happened?" Kingsly looks dubious. For good reason as most of the events that would lead up to the events in question have yet to take place.
The goat's head drops to its folded knees as it considers. "The events described have not happened yet, nor are they now likely to happen as the timeline has drastically altered from the time the books were written… or rather, the time-vantage from which the books were written…" It pauses again. "You see, the flow of time, as described by Einstein…"
"That will be plenty of detail, thank you. But you are saying that the event written about on the page you printed have not and likely will not happen?"
"Yes"
"Then what relevance do they have?"
"The confession is still valid as that event has already taken place on this timeline. A confession now would result in the same or similar words."
"How can we believe you?"
"Umbridge is here and can be dosed as was I to obtain this confession. Also, much of the data corresponds to data that you have already gathered. Namely that Mr. H. Potter faced a Dementor on Privet Drive this summer where no Dementor was licensed to be."
"And that, Minister, is the dilemma." Kingsly says. "I don't think we can get anything more out of this one."
"But, it cannot be telling the truth." Umbridge squeaks pinkly. "It is simply confused, the dear animal. Cannot think past food and water." She simpers at the goat.
"Are you implying that my potion brewing skills could be less than ideal?" Snape snaps just as Fickle has a similar reaction:
"Are you entering that I have less data processing ability than you?"
"Now, let us all be calm. This can be cleared up easily with one quick drop of Veritaserum and a brief word from you, Delores." Dumbledore twinkles as he gestures to the bench which Fickle then vacates. Umbridge sits down on the bench, which actually makes her a couple centimeters taller than she was standing on the ground. Snape measures out a smaller dose for the squat Professor. She swallows it slowly.
Kingsly clears his throat and opens his mouth to continue questioning but Fudge interrupts him. "I will ask the question, no need for you to continue, now is there?" Fudge turns to Umbridge. "Now tell the nice people that you had nothing to do with the Dementor attack this summer."
"That is not a question, Minister." Kingsly points out.
"Did you send the Dementor, Professor Umbridge?" Dumbledore asks.
"You are not sanctioned to ask her ques…."
"Yes." A dumbfounded silence settles over the gathering.
A/N: A little shorter than previous ones, but under direct and unrelenting pressure *cough* Pirhanis *cough* I decided that this is a good place to stop. Plus, I'm beginning to like just stopping and leaving it hanging, has a nice feel to it. And on pain of fluff, I really am trying to get this back to being humor, but this whole 'reality' thing really stuck up and smacked me on the head…
Some credits that I have been a slacker in providing: I got the original spark of an idea from the 301 ways to piss off Professor Snape, which can be found at . I don't think I stole anything directly, though I probably did, non- intentional but likely since I read it over and over and over. ;) Ok, that should be all. I'll get back on top of writing, the Holidays had me quite firmly in its grasp…