14

I did something very stupid today.

I had a session with Doctor Stevens. That in itself isn't rare since I have been aboard the Enterprise. I still am not comfortable talking to her, but it is keeping me aboard and part of the crew. I will get back to work soon, with any luck.

She sees it as a good sign that I am now openly acknowledging this pain. She has at least been reassuring to me.

Since I hadn't stated anything of that nature at that time, I imagined that she had talked to Doctor McCoy.

When I got back to my rooms I found Nyota had left after I had. The cabin mirror showed me that I am clearly showing anything I feel. I have been avoiding looking at myself. I hadn't left my rooms since Mother's Day.

Shame filled me. I couldn't stop it, and I did the one thing I could think of to stop it.

I broke the mirror with my hand.

If anything, it made me feel worse. Everything I do these past few days seems to make me feel worse.

I am filled with the need to release this, but I don't know how. My body refuses to cry. I have actually tried. I am not angry, so yelling at someone will probably do nothing for this. I have no other ideas as to what to do.

At least I am thinking now that this will pass and I will not die of it. I keep living each day as it comes. I would not have believed it possible to live with this beforehand. I am still having trouble believing it.

Doctor McCoy told the Captain what I did with my mirror once I called him to see to my hand, as I was unable to do it on my own. I ended up having them both in here trying to figure out whether or not I was going to use the glass as anything other than turning my hand into a holding place for it.

The Captain cleaned up the glass himself. I tried to stop him, but when an idea gets in Jim's head, he refuses to let it go.

He wouldn't leave the room until he knew the glass was gone. He didn't want anyone else seeing what I had done.

While he was doing that, McCoy looked at my hand and made a fuss over it. He was very gentle, and I could feel his worry for me. It is the complete opposite to what his words would have me assume.

Humans are confusing...

My hand is better now, and they are both gone. I left a message for Nyota not to come tonight.

I need to think.