Chapter 43
My Own Personal Hell
Edward POV
After I ran out of Bella's room I ran to our meadow. I needed to be someplace where I could think; A place where I could be alone. I needed to figure out who I am. Or better yet who I have become.
Why did I say those things to Bella? I mean I do want to stand behind her decision, but I didn't say that. Instead I went against everything that I had said before. I thought I had changed. I thought I was no longer that overprotective jerk that made all of the wrong choices before. But after what I did tonight I realized maybe I hadn't changed at all, and that hurt me. I knew that Bella needed me to have changed and I proved it wrong.
All I knew was that I wanted Bella in my life. I needed to be with her, and I couldn't lose her. I am scared that she may die. That she won't be able to spend forever with me.
I thought after I got her back this last time that we would have our forever together, I knew that she would be turned, and I knew the time was coming soon. I know she wanted me to turn her, and I was all set until I heard from Carlisle that it could kill her, and that is where my mind went all haywire and left me thinking the same as I did all those years ago. Everything I had worked so hard to change about myself went flying right out of the window. I would never be able to go on living knowing that I was the one who killed her.
Then I remembered what Bella had said earlier, that we had to try everything and that we couldn't just give up. Was that what I was doing? Was I giving up on saving Bella? No, I can't ever give up on keeping Bella safe, but would it be keeping her safe to risk killing her?
So now here I sit arguing with myself on what I should do, when I know I should be there by Bella's side being with her. I needed to be strong. I needed to figure out why I act the way I do. Why I think the way I think.
I need to have faith in our love. I know I love her and she loves me. Ever since the first day I saw her, I felt a pull towards her. I couldn't resist it. No matter how hard I tried to pull away from her something was making the distance between her and I get closer. She once told me that was what she was feeling too. It was as if we were two pieces of a puzzle that had to be together.
I laid back on the grass and looked up into the stars. I needed someone to tell me what to do. But there was no one that could do that. I knew I was the only one that could tell me what to do. I needed to kick my own ass for all of the things I have done. It was my fault that I turned into such a wuss. I mean I thought I always put Bella first, but I realized that I have never really put her first. It was always what I wanted and I just pretended that it was what Bella would have wanted.
But it all still comes back to one thing. Would I ever be able to bite Bella and risk everything. Could I risk it all for total happiness? I know I could. But the question now is would I risk it all to have a chance with Bella forever or risk it all and wind up without Bella forever?
I don't know. I have always done the smart thing. Well not smart as far as all my decisions were dumb, but to me they were always the safe way out. I always played it safe. Maybe I needed to live on the edge a little.
So again I ask myself; would I be able to risk Bella's life to have a chance to spend forever with her?
She is willing to put her life on the line to be able to stay with me.
Why am I being such an ass over this?
Okay come on Edward stop thinking so much about this and let your heart take over.
I sat there for a moment and before I knew what I was doing I pulled my phone out and hit the speed dial button. I pressed send.
It rang a couple of times and then it was answered.
"Hello"
"I need your help." I heard the words come out of my mouth but my mind was no longer in control of my body, I was allowing my heart to take over and it was reaching out to the one person that could help me.
"Where would you like to meet?"
I had to think about that one. I didn't want anyone else around to hear, so I thought of the only other place that was safe besides here, because this place was private only for me and Bella.
"Meet me at Bella's house. I will be there in an hour." I knew what I had to do, not only for me but for Bella as well.
"I will be there." And then I hung up the phone.
I wanted to get over to Bella's house quickly because I wanted to be alone there for awhile.
I walked into her bedroom. It was still the same as all of those years ago.
The memories came flooding back into me now.
I sat on her bed and waited.
Bella POV
I woke up in the morning thinking it was a new day, and that all of my problems would go away. I was wrong, as I sat there in my bed; you know the one they won't let me out of. Well I was thinking about everything I had been told over the last couple of days and it only made me sadder. I was still confused on what I was going to do.
All I wanted was to go back to the way things were, to go back and feel Edward's loving arms around me. I missed him so much. I needed to hear his voice, to see his face, to feel his lips as they touch mine. I needed him.
Thinking of him only brought tears to my eyes, I felt as though I was losing him by trying my hardest to hold on to him.
I had to make it through this, I just had too.
I grabbed a hold of the pillow and held it close, wishing it was Edward. I started to feel the tears as they ran down my face.
"Oh Bella, are you okay?" I heard a voice calling out to me. I pried my face out of the pillow to see Kate standing at the foot of my bed.
I had to think of why she would be here and then I remembered Eleazar had told me she could help me with that shield thing.
"Hi I am okay just so much is happening that I get a little overwhelmed at times." I wiped away my tears and tried to put a smile on my face.
"Well I am here to help you with your gift. It will take some work but from what Eleazar had said you are very special and powerful. So I think we should get started." I could tell that she was eager to see what it was that I was capable of doing.
I nodded my head and she walked closer to me reaching out and touching my arm. It was not as though she was squeezing me but by the look on her face it seemed like she was squeezing me with all of her might.
I looked confused as well as she had a look of confusion on her face when she finally let go of me arm.
"Wow… remarkable. I would have never thought it was possible especially from a human." She said while shaking her head back and forth.
"What is there something wrong?" I was more confused now than before.
"Oh no dear; there isn't anything wrong. I just have never seen anyone be immune to my power before, I have even tried it on someone who had a shield, and they felt it. But with you there was no reaction, Eleazar was correct when he said you were powerful." She was in total awe over something that I still had no idea about.
We sat there for awhile and she explained her power to me, it was that she could shock anyone she touches, and when she touched me I felt nothing. She had told me I was the only one that she had ever come across that didn't even feel a thing.
I told her that I was the only one immune to Edward's gift as well. She thought that was funny that he would fall in love with the one person that he couldn't read their every thought. I laughed at that also, I always wondered if Edward would have fallen in love with me if he had heard all of my thoughts in the beginning. But I pushed that out of my thoughts I needed to concentrate on my conversation with Kate.
She went on to tell me about how I was able to project my shield. I still didn't know if I had the strength to do it or not. She also said that if I could get it down while being human that when I became a vampire it would only become stronger and more powerful.
We had been trying to get me to project my shield but nothing happened. She said I needed to find my trigger. I had no idea what my trigger was.
We were coming up blank. Then she got a huge smile on her face and stepped out of the room. I was curious as to what she was planning, but I was tired form all of the work so I laid down on my pillow and fell fast asleep.
Edward POV
I looked at my watch and realized it was almost time. I heard a car pull up and went over to the window to see if it was who I had been waiting for. Yup it was, so I headed downstairs to meet him.
"Okay Edward I am here, what is wrong, and why all of the secrecy?" He asked.
"Carlisle I have been thinking and I came to the realization that I needed to let my heart take over and keep my mind out of things." I had a new sense about things and I knew that he would help.
"I am very glad to hear that you have finally come around, now I have some things I need to tell you." He had a smile on his face and I could tell he liked that I was not fighting him anymore.
He went on to tell me about the testing that he had been doing on Bella's blood and his venom. Then he went on to tell me about the conversation with Eleazar. That blew me away. /I was not expecting that. I always knew that Bella and I were special when it came to our love of one another but to her just how special our bond really is, well that shocked me in a small kind of way.
Carlisle said that he wanted to test my venom with Bella's blood. So I agreed. I now knew that fighting for Bella was what needed to be done; I had already made the decision to do everything that was needed to fight for Bella, and now hearing this only convinced me further I had finally for once in my existence made the right decision.
Carlisle had told me about Kate helping Bella discover her gift, and I was curious about that, he also said that he was going to move Bella back to the house, because the staff was getting curious about what was going on with her.
Bella would be coming home. I needed to go to her and explain why I was acting like an ass. I had to tell her I was sorry.
"Carlisle I have to…" I wasn't able to completely get out what I was going to say before he interrupted me.
"Go son… so to Bella, I know that is where you want to be." He said patting me on the shoulder.
I took off and went straight to the hospital.
I walked into her room and saw her sleeping. I loved to watch her while she slept. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
I just stood there at the foot of her bed staring at her.
I couldn't wake her just yet; there will be time for talking later.
I thought about that yes now it seems that time is not our enemy.
Or so I thought.