A/N This is a very long chapter. I didn't want to break it up. Enjoy. You may need tissues. Thank you all for reading and your reviews.
As always, all characters belong to E.L. James. The story is mine.
Chapter 14
Christian POV
Flynn feels I have made sufficient progress to contact Ana. He has put some stipulations on me. It must be personal. No third person calling, or delivering a message. It must be private. If there is a meeting, it must be on neutral territory. No office, neither one of our homes and he would prefer that it be somewhere where neither of us have been before when we were together. I was not to do anything flashy or extravagant. I feel like this is an impossible task. But I am determined to do this right. Ana deserves for me to do it right.
I have debated, and I believe that picking up the phone and calling her is the most personal. I plan to ask her to meet me at the marina. I will have Jason rent a yacht for the day. I could have used the Grace, but that would violate Flynn's instructions. Ana always liked the water and being on the Grace. It is private, because it will only be the two of us. Well, Jason will be there and I'm sure she will bring Luke, but they both know how to make themselves scarce. The boat will be big enough that if we need to get away from each other there will be room. Ana can swim if she wants to. I will have food on board, if Ana wants to eats, well if we are even on the boat that long. This will be at Ana's pace, not mine. I ran all of this by Flynn and he approved. Just for good measure I also ran it by Jason. He thought it was a good way to start out.
Holding the phone and waiting to push the last digit, I realize that I am petrified. She has every right to not talk to me. I respect that. I can only hope she does. The phone is ringing.
"Hello, Ana Steele." I sit frozen. My mouth refuses to open.
"Hello?" I have to say to something and quick or she is going to hang up. "Ana, it's Christian." I can't ramble. I have to be forthright. I can do this. Flynn said I am ready.
"Ana, I was wondering if you would be willing to sit down and talk with me. I have some things to tell you that I would like you to hear. Do you think that would be possible?"
Ana POV
It's Friday and I am trying to finish this manuscript so that I am ready for the author on Monday. My phone rings and I just grab it and answer.
Oh my god. It's Christian. He is asking me if we can talk and wants to know if it is possible.
"Christian, I would be willing to hear what you have to say, but not if it the same bullshit that you have said to me over and over during our marriage. I have that shit memorized, and don't want or need to hear it again." I need to breathe.
"Ana, I promise that is not case." Right, I know about his promises. Come on Ana, benefit of the doubt here. That damn voice in my head.
"Christian, when and where were you planning on having this meeting?" Stall Ana, give yourself time to regroup, I tell myself.
"Would tomorrow work for you, since it is Saturday? I thought we could meet at the marina. I could rent a yacht for the day and we could go out into the Sound for however long you wanted to stay out. Is that alright with you?" Decision time Ana. I told my daddy I was leaning towards hearing him out, so I guess I am going on boat ride tomorrow.
"Christian, I just checked and I am available tomorrow. What time should I meet you? I will be bringing Luke with me. I would prefer that he also be on the boat with us."
"I thought we could meet at 10. Luke coming is no problem. I will have Jason with me."
"10 works for me. I will see you then. Good-bye, Christian."
"Good-bye Ana."
Wow, for an out of the blue phone call that went well, I think. I can always shoot him down tomorrow. No reason to throw hot water in his face his on first try. He is renting a yacht. What happened to the Grace? Although, I am relieved, I am not sure I could concentrate on the Grace. It holds to many memories. He really put some thought and effort into this. He actually asked, and didn't demand. The first time he starts with his same bullshit tomorrow I will demand to come back to shore. I am not going to waste my time on the same old shit. He has a boat load of things he needs to come clean with. I better see a whole lot of honesty and no lame excuses. If he keeps saying he is sorry, I may toss his ass overboard! This could get real ugly.
Christian POV
She didn't hang up on me. That is a positive sign. She was quite clear she didn't want to hear any bullshit out of my mouth. Something is telling me that all this time with Flynn is going to look like child's play compared to what I have in store for me tomorrow.
I call Jason and ask him to please implement the plan we discussed. I told him we need to be at the marina by 10 and that Ana is bringing Luke. I jokingly told him to play nice with Luke. He just laughed at me and told me he would take care of everything.
My next call is to Flynn. He was pleased that I made the call and that Ana agreed to see me. He reminded me of my coping techniques and told me he would be available if I needed him tomorrow. He wished me luck and reminded me I was ready for this.
SATURDAY
Christian POV
I am pacing by the dock at the marina. I made Jason get here at 9:30. I am so nervous. I need to calm down, and just allow this day to go the way it is going to go. I can only control my actions. Flynn has prepared me for this. I have worked hard and long to get to this day. I know I am a better man than I was 5 years ago, hell I'm a better man than I was when I met Ana for the first time. I understand myself, and I know my short comings. I just don't want to ramble on an on. I want to have an honest discussion. How this goes though depends on Ana. Today, she has all the all the power. I would love to come out of this with us being equals, but I will take what I can get.
I have a single white rose to hand to her. The white rose symbolizes many things among those are hope, truth, and new beginnings. I hope she understands the meaning.
Jason has everything in place and now he is pacing with me. We stop and he grabs my shoulder and tells me this will work out. He reminds me to be truthful and sincere. I hope he is right. Then I feel her. I look up and look straight into eyes her and smile.
Ana POV
I dressed extremely casually, jeans and a light blue sweater. I dressed for comfort, but I still look good. I pulled my hair into a pony tail; I don't want hair flying everywhere today. That was always a distraction to Christian. I don't want him distracted. I throw my bathing suit in my bag just in case I decide that I need to cool off. I almost forgot Linda's letter, I grab it from my desk.
As we are on our way to the marina I tell Luke that his job today is make sure I don't do anything that will land me in jail. Also, if I want to go home, he is to do whatever he has to do to make sure that happens. I will not tolerate being held hostage by Christian and Jason. He chuckles but agrees to do as I ask.
I'm nervous as hell. This is the closest I have been to him in 5 years, except for that day at the restaurant. I actually agreed to spend time with him.
As we are walking toward the docks I see him, and our eyes lock. He is smiling.
Standing in front of him, I am overcome with emotion. He is still the beautiful, sexy man I love. He is in jeans and a sweater. His grey eyes are bright and hopeful. God I love this man. I always have and I probably always will.
"Ana, thank you so much for coming. This is for you", he says as he hands me a single white rose. Ah, a symbol of hope and new beginnings. How appropriate.
"Come, the boat is at the next dock. There is food on board if you are and Luke would like to eat." We walk to the dock side by side, Jason behind Christian, Luke behind me. Jason boards the boat first. Then Christian, who extends his hand to help me on board, instinctively I take it, the jolt was unmistakable. We both pull away and look at each other. I start to giggle, and he starts to laugh and we are both shaking our heads. I think the ice has been broken. We are all on board and Luke and Jason have disappeared. If I were a betting woman, I would bet they headed for the food.
"Ana I thought we might sit on the deck, if that is okay with you. Do you want anything to drink or eat?" Wow, I'm impressed. "Christian, tea would be nice, and perhaps we can eat a bit later." Off he goes I assume to the galley. I look out over the water as we are moving farther from the shore. I had forgotten just how beautiful and peaceful it is out here.
"Here's your tea. You look wonderful." "Thank you Christian, you haven't changed at all." Well this is formal. Maybe those weren't the right words to say to him. I noticed a flicker in his eyes, but it was only for a few seconds.
"Christian, I don't want to spend the day pussy footing around each other. So why don't we get to the point of why I am here. Maybe I should start by asking why the hell you divorced me, why did you treat me like I was a piece of dog shit stuck to your shoe, why the fuck wouldn't you even talk to me. And remember our deal; I want the truth and not your normal bullshit. Speak!" Now, let's see what Christian does with all that.
Christian POV
Holy shit! Ana just put it all out there. My heart feels like it has a knife straight through it. I am breathing and counting, counting and breathing. I better soon pull this together or I might end up over the side. She said I haven't changed. Maybe not on the outside, but I sure have changed on the inside.
"Ana, in order to answer you, I have to start at the beginning. I have been working with Flynn these past several months. I have finally and completely banished the demons from my childhood. I have learned how to grieve. I recognize that nothing that happened in the past was my responsibility, except what I did to you. Ana, please remember that I didn't know all this back then. I was operating on what I refer to as the 'old Christian's thinking'. Today, I have a new perspective, I look at things differently. I deal with everything differently. Flynn made me see when guilt is appropriate and when it isn't. I have learned that I have to be open and honest with people I care about. I can't keep secrets and I have to be forthcoming with my real feelings. I cannot keep secrets about anything. I have to trust that the people who love and care for me may not always like what I do, but still love me. I have to respect the fact that not everyone will agree with me. I have to listen to other people's ideas and opinions. I leaned that people make their own choices, and while I may not agree with those choices, I have to respect them and the person making them. I know that I am worthy of all that is good. The only person I can control is me. I have no right to try to control anyone else." I am watching her face as I tell her all this. She is paying close attention and at first she was pissed off but I noticed a few hitches in her breathing and her face is slowly softening.
"Ana, I want to continue, but I don't want to re-hash things you might all ready know. Did Linda tell you about my friendship with her and John?"
"Yes, she did. I have her letter with me. Do you want to read it? Will it help you get to my questions?" "Ana, yes I would like to read it. I think it might help both of us move this to where you want it go." She hands me the letter and walks away. I am presuming to give me time to read it. She doesn't go far; she is still in my sight. She is just staring out to the water. I start reading the letter.
Ana POV
After I gave Christian the letter, I had to walk away. I couldn't sit there anymore. That certainly wasn't his normal bullshit by any means. I sure wasn't expecting all that, and apparently we are just beginning.
Fuck! He was beyond Fifty Shades of fucked up! I have to ask him after all those years with Flynn, why now did his therapy work.
My heart breaks for him. He has missed so much. I thought he was making progress while we were married, but apparently his issues were deeper than even I knew. I thought loving him would help heal him. I'm not so sure now after listening to him. Loving may have helped but this was much deeper. Our marriage wasn't falling apart; he broke it apart, just like one of the companies he acquires. There was nothing I could have done to change his mind. It's time I forgive myself, I was not responsible. He was. And I am going to find out why shortly.
I turn to walk back to my chair and the boat suddenly rocks, I am falling, when I feel his hands around my waist pulling me upward. "Still protective, I see, Mr. Grey." We both laugh and I turn around and look him in eyes and ask him why his therapy with Flynn is working now and not all those years ago. I am positively stunned by his answer. "Because I never put the work into it and now I want to change for me, not because anyone else wants me to change."
Christian POV
I finished reading the letter and was amazed at how open and honest Linda was with Ana. I was contemplating how I was going to tell Ana the rest of the story, when I feel the boat rock and see Ana begin to fall. I caught her before she fell. I was feeling the same feeling I felt that day she fell into my office. She made a remark about me being protective and we both laughed. I love hearing her laugh She seemed shocked when I answered her question about why my therapy was working now.
"Ana, its past noon would you like to eat something before we go any farther? I am afraid if we don't soon eat, there may not be any food left since Jason and Luke have been 'guarding' it since we left the dock." She giggles. Got to love that sound. She agrees and we go below and have lunch. Over lunch she tells me she has started her second novel and is hoping to complete it by the end of the year. We basically make small talk. I ask her if she wants to stay here or go above to continue. She wants to be on deck, so that is where we will be.
"Linda covered a lot in her letter, so I think I will just deal with the two parts that she said were my story to tell, if that is alright with you." She tells me fine. I tell her about the shipment, and everything that happened including the bomb and John being killed. I tell her about my guilt and that I didn't come home to her after leaving Linda's house. I tell her how I felt I needed punished and how I decided my own punishment and that was lose the only thing I loved, her. She has tears in her eyes and her hands a clasped over her mouth. I just want to reach out and hold her, but that is not my right. I ask her if she wants me to continue and she nods yes.
"Ana, please remember I am not the man that I was back then. I know what I am going to tell was wrong for so many reasons. I didn't know any different back then. I believed that my punishment to appease my guilt was to lose you. I knew you would never leave me. So once the papers were ready I came home. I knew that the only way I could convince you this was real to tell you I didn't love and that you weren't enough. I have regretted saying those words to you every day since. I believed that you really would be better off without me in your life. If I couldn't keep a friend safe, how the hell was I going to keep you safe, the reason I breathed air. I didn't want you to die because of something I was involved in or did. I was afraid for you. I felt everything outside of my business I touched, I destroyed. I didn't want to destroy you too. I knew you would be better off without me. You could pursue your career, without my interference. You were young, and you should have been enjoying life, having fun with your friends, growing into the best woman you could be, not be saddled with my fifty shades of fuckedupness. I felt I was a danger to you. I made that decision for you. That's what I did, analyze, solve and act. I didn't give you the opportunity to discuss any of this. Fuck, I didn't even tell you about John and Linda." I have to stop; I am getting overwhelmed by the emotions that are springing forth. If I keep going I am going to break down. I can't do that. I have to get this all out today because I may never have another chance. I notice that Ana has tears running down her cheeks and her eyes are closed. I go to the door leading to the galley and call for Jason. I ask him for a box of tissues. I place them beside her on the chair. My heart is breaking into small pieces. Seeing her like this, 5 years later, I can only imagine what she was like back then. I was such a bastard. "Ana, do you want me continue?" She shakes her head no.
The only sound is the water ebbing and flowing and the occasional gull flying over head. I can hear Ana trying to control her sobbing. I am so thankful Flynn warned me that this may happen. He told me I just had to wait it out. He also told me that if it did happen, I was not to leave her for any reason. I was to sit there quietly until she spoke. No matter how long it took.
Ana POV
Lunch was lovely. The conversation was light. He talked about what his family is doing. He told me about Kate. I just giggled. That is so like her. I do miss her. Maybe after today we can rekindle out friendship. When we finished, he asked me where I wanted to sit to listen to the rest of his story. I am enjoying the deck so I decide that we would better off there. I notice that all day today I have been making the decisions. I like this 'new' Christian.
When he was telling me about his need for punishment after John's death I gasped and my eyes started to fill. All I could see is a poor lost little boy. My Fifty. And then, then I heard what I had been waiting five years to hear, he didn't mean what he said. Yes he said them, but he didn't mean them. I can't stop the tears. I close my eyes and keep them closed. I don't want to look at him. I am afraid to look at him. He stops talking. From his voice, I think he needs to regroup. I feel him leave and then come back. He places tissues next to me. We have been sitting here for a long time in silence. I am trying to get my sobbing under control. I take a few deep breaths. Open my eyes
"Christian, you put me, no; you put us through hell because you needed to be punished for something that wasn't even your fault. You didn't have enough faith in our love or me to come home and talk to me. You were the most ruthless, callous, heartless, uncaring, cruel and any other adjective that goes with the word bastard, to me that night and the days that followed before I signed your god damn papers. You boxed me in a corner and you know what, no matter which way I turned, it was going to cost me you. YOU, the love of my life, the reason I breathed, the reason I was who I was and who I was becoming. I had grown with you. We were growing together. We were happy. As cheesy as it sounds, we had the fairy tale happily ever after. People envied our love and our relationship. And you knew deep down that you didn't want to divorce me, but you did it anyway. Did I get it right?" He has a look of fear in his eyes along with his tears. He just nods yes.
"I don't fucking believe it. All of the bullshit you tossed at me. All of the pain I went through the months after we divorced, all of it could have been prevented if you just would have had some balls and came clean and talked to me. You are a First Class Ass!" I must be shouting, because out of the corner of my eye I catch Jason and Sawyer coming toward us. I turn to them and tell them to go back where there came from, we weren't done here. We were fine. If they were needed I would let them know. They backed away quickly. Spinning around I was again face to face with Christian. "I got my answers, now tell me Mr. Grey, if we could turn the clock back and knowing what you know now, what would you do different? I will give 5 minutes to think about it." I use this technique with my employees when they have made a major error. It is at tool that I use to see if they really did learn from their mistake. I am not as stern with them as I was just now. But I am usually not so emotionally invested either. I grab a bottle of water from the cooler and head to the side rail. I need to breathe. I need to figure out where I am going from here. I love this man with all my heart and soul. I always have. So what am I going to do about it?
"Times up! What is your answer?" Little does he know that his future where it concerns me depends on how he answers that question.
Christian POV
Holy Shit! Hurricane Ana just hit the boat! She started off in a soft whisper and built from there. She scared the hell out of me. Jason and Luke even looked fearful. I listened to every word she said and I deserved everything she threw at me and more. She is again sitting in front of me and tells me my time is up.
"Ana if today was the day that Welch had just told me John was killed, I would pick up the phone and call you and tell you the sad new. You and I would go together to Linda's house to give her the news. After consoling her and making sure she was not alone, we would go home and have the lasagna that you made. We would have grieved together for our friend. We would have healed together. Linda and John would have been in our circle of friends. There would not have been any secrets. I would know I was not responsible for what happened to John. I would not feel guilty. I would have not beaten myself up over his death. I would have analyzed, discussed, solved together and then acted. That is the way that day would have ended. We would still be married, and I would be as in love with you as I was the first time I saw you. We would be living on the Sound, together. We might have a few kids by now. I know you always wanted a big family. If I could turn back time, that is how it would be. I have learned a lot about myself, and my actions. I can't go back and change anything I have done in the past. I can ask for forgiveness. What I can do is go forward and make sure I am never that man again." We are staring at each other intently. I am not sure what I am seeing in her eyes. I know they are bit brighter than they were.
"That was an honest, heartfelt and truthful answer thank you, Christian, for that. One more question, will you allow me to read the letter Linda wrote to you?" "Ana, of course you can read it, I didn't bring with me today, I'm sorry, I should have thought of that. You can read it anytime. Do you want me to have Jason bring it over when we get back?"
"No Christian, I want you bring it to the house tomorrow. I need some time to think about today. So, could we go back now, and pick this up tomorrow. I think we both need some rest. Why don't you and Jason come to the house around noon" "Umm, okay. I have to be at my parents for dinner at 5, so noon is good."
I texted Jason to tell the captain to take us back to the dock.
Ana POV
Well that was a very good answer. I am too exhausted to dissect it though. I want to read the letter Linda wrote to him. I asked him if I could read it and he eagerly offers to have it delivered this evening. I then invited him to my house tomorrow. I know I need rest! I believe this man, and I just don't know if I can trust that his changing is going to stick. It is so easy for him to fall back into his old ways. Why the hell did I invite him to the house? I know we aren't finished, by a long shot with the conversation, but, I didn't have to invite him to my home. I spent months ridding the house of him. Not just his possessions, but of his presence, and now I am bringing him back in.
Once I got home, I grabbed a glass of wine and curled up on the couch. I and staring at the white rose that I put on the coffee table. Is this a new beginning? Am I getting the truth? Is there hope?
SUNDAY
Christian POV
Last night, when I got home, I called Flynn. I gave him a blow by blow report of the day. I left nothing out. He was not surprised at how the day went. He was actually glad to see I was still alive. He was as taken aback as I was that Ana invited me over to her house today. He reminded me not to read too much into it. There were still a lot of issues that needed to addressed. While yesterday may have given Ana answers, it also opened old wounds. My expectations had to be tempered. He laughed when I told him she called me a first class ass. He told me she was being kind. He wished me luck and told me he was proud that I was taking this step forward.
I better get moving it's almost time to leave. I made a copy of the letter, just in case Ana wants to keep it. Jason and I set out to the house and for me the unknown.
Ana POV
This is my house. I can control what happens here. I haven't had that dream since the week after the divorce. It has me rattled. The dream was all of the bad and all the good of the life I had with Christian. The good parts were stupendous. The bad, and in reality, the bad was the way he broke our marriage, that was horrific. It was the end of the dream that has me totally shaken, we were making love! That part of the dream was new. Yesterday I noticed that he never attempted to touch me. For that I am thankful. I was so raw; I am not sure how I would have reacted to his touch. At one point, it would have been nice to been held by him; thank goodness he had self restraint.
I have everything ready for today. I told Luke that he and Jason were to stay in the media room. They can do what they want in there. I have put snacks and drinks in there for them. I also told him, that unless he heard blood curdling screams or breaking glass, he and Jason were not come out of that room until I called them. His face betrayed him, I could see the humorous expression, but he said he understood.
I am planning on having what little conversation may be left to have in the kitchen. I will not just sit and listen to him. I have to do something. It will help me think. So, I am going to cook the week's menu and he can sit at the kitchen table. I have a bottle of wine chilling, since I always have wine when I cook, today is no different. My life goes on, no matter if Christian Grey is around or not.
Luke tells me they have arrived. I told him to go, I would answer the door.
"Jason, Christian come on in. Jason, Luke is in the media room, please join him. I'm sure you remember where it is. Christian, let's go in the kitchen. I have things I have to do. Can I get you a glass of wine?" "Sure" he replies. The look on his face is incredulous. I don't know what he expected. This is what he is getting. I busy myself with getting the food I need to start preparing for the week ahead.
"Ana, I brought a copy of the letter you asked for. I thought you might want to keep it."
"Thanks just put it on the table. Christian, was any part of our marriage real to you? Was any of it based on truth and trust?" The only sound you can hear is me chopping the hell out of the celery.
"Ana, my love for you is true. I was always truthful with you about how I felt about you. I meant every word that I spoke to you about you being my life, my reason for existence, you were the best thing in my life, and I trusted you with my heart. You never broke it or abused it. I can't say the same about how I handled your heart. The life we were making together was real. Aspects of it were not completely honest and truthful. That was my doing. I kept secrets from you. I never shared my fears with you. I didn't share with you, honestly, any of the bad. I didn't want to appear weak to you. I didn't want you to have to worry about anything. I know now that was the wrong way to live in a marriage. Marriage is an equal partnership. You count on each other for everything. I was not capable of that back then." He is slumped the chair running his hands through his hair. His eyes are sad. Wait a minute. He said his love is true.
"Well, Christian, let me tell you how I saw it. I knew you were fifty shades of fucked up. But I chose to make a life with you. I chose to call you out on the things I felt were important to me, and to be honest, to you for your growth. I chose to let some things slide. I overlooked your insecurities because I understood where they came from. I chose to LOVE YOU! What I didn't choose was to be broken into a million pieces. I didn't choose to be lied too. I didn't choose to be kept in the dark like a mushroom. YOU chose those things for me. You denied me the right to be my own person and make my own decisions within our marriage. You broke your promise to me to never break my heart. You didn't protect me. You didn't keep me safe. You not only destroyed me, but you destroyed everything I believe in. You were a one man wrecking crew." "Christian, what the hell do you want from me now? You have already had everything I could give you and you threw it away."
"Ana, I could say I was sorry because, I am. I could try to make-up for all the pain I have caused you. But, there is nothing I can do to change what I did. I take all the blame for what happened to us. I can only ask that you believe me now when I say I have never stopped loving you. I have never stopped needing you in my life. Believe that I am remorseful for my actions years ago. Believe that I have changed and am still changing. What I want from you and what I can ask of you are two different things. I can ask you to consider being a friend. What I want is more." "Ana, give me a chance to prove to you that you weren't wrong about me."
Holy bat shit! Did he just say he wants more? He never stopped loving me, well that makes us even. I find it gallant that he takes all the blame for our demise. Who else would there be to blame? At least he realizes it. My heart wants to believe he has changed. Not so much my mind, yet.
"Christian have you gone back to the BDSM life-style" Well that came out of the blue!
"I have been celibate since the night I moved back to Escala. I had the playroom destroyed. To be totally honest, I needed to punish myself for what I did to you. I thought about going back to BDSM, but in my mind, that would be cheating on you. I always promised you I would never cheat. At least I kept that promise. I wanted to honor my vows to you. I know that sounds ridiculous. But, that is the way my mind was working at the time. I have been out with women, the occasional dinner or fund raising event. Not often. No woman, other than Linda those last 5 months of her life, has been in Escala.
Mr. Sex on Legs hasn't' had sex for 5 years. That boggles my mind. But then neither have I, not because I was honoring any vows, but because I couldn't imagine myself having such an intimate relationship with anyone other than Christian. I sure hope to hell Flynn and him have worked out this self-flagellation complex he had. We need to back this down. The emotions are starting to get to me and I can tell he is really tense. Being honest is hard work.
"Christian, would you get the milk out of the fridge for me. My hands are a mess." He gets up from the chair that he hasn't moved from in hours and gets the milk. He brings it to the island and then he grabs my messy hands, turns me to him and looks me straight in the eyes and says "Ana, please forgive me."
Oh my Fifty. I forgave you a long time ago. It was part of my healing process. I may never forget, but I did forgive. He doesn't need to know that fact just yet. I just wonder if he can forgive himself.
Christian POV
The house hasn't changed. Well all of the pictures of us are gone. I understand that. Escala is the same as it was, minus the playroom. Our wedding photo still hangs in the hall.
She leads the way to the kitchen. There are pots on all the burners and food on the counter. She must be planning on cooking. I always loved watching her cook. The wine she chose was delightful.
I offered her the letter but she told me to put it on the table. I guess she will read it later.
Then she asked me about whether our marriage was real and was it based on truth. No foreplay with this Ana. She went right for the jugular. I answered her with all honesty. I told her my love is real. I used the present tense, because I do still love her.
It is so difficult giving her answers, because I am not that person any more. I owe her the answers she is demanding of me. I owe her so much more. Shit, she has every right to take that chopping knife and run it straight into my heart.
When she was telling me her view, I was dying inside. She was right with everything she was saying. There was no way in hell this bright, strong, confident woman was going to let me anywhere near her again. I sit drinking in all of her. Her scent, the way she moves, her beautiful eyes and her smile. I know this will be the last time I will get that opportunity.
Then she floored me by asking what I want of her. I just bared my soul to her. I do want her as friend, but I also want more. I want to have what we should have had, if I wouldn't have been a fucked up bastard.
I knew I was grasping at straws, when I held her hands and asked her to forgive me. I have worked on forgiving myself. I am almost there. Maybe, after today I can finish that journey. Flynn and I will work hard on getting me there.
When it was time for me leave, I thanked her for talking. The last words I heard from her were "I'll call you."