14.

1928

An ill wind off the Mediterranean blew their parents back to Long Island in the August of 1927, two and a half years from the time that they had left. Thor's heart had been living in his mouth since the day they received news of the imminent return, but to his surprise – and no lack of somewhat worried suspicion – Loki's behaviour upon their arrival was more charming, indeed pleasant, than he had ever known it to be.

At first it really did seem, as well, as though all of Loki's fears and concerns of the past two years had been entirely unfounded. Their mother seemed genuinely delighted to see them again and even their father half smiled a grudging observation that they did not appear to have destroyed anything at least.

In truth they heard more about their parents own travels and their father's health problems than had to answer questions about their own potential misdemeanours. Their father had developed sight problems over the past year but was taking it in good grace enough to not even be angry when Thor said the eye patch made him look like a pirate.

Once again they found themselves having to be careful, having to be quiet, Loki returning with apparent ease on his part to beginning almost every night as a green light just outside of Thor's window; almost seeming to actually delight in the return to subterfuge and silence. For Thor it seemed so much harder to balance upon the tightrope between propriety and desire for having been able to loosen that rope over the past two years. Apart from that however, the early weeks of their parents return seemed to have been going better than either of them had faintly hoped.

Then it came; just over two weeks into their return Frigga and Odin gathered them together to drop the bombshell that Odin was taking Thor into the business with him and Loki was being sent away to college. No questions, just facts they were expected to accept.

Thor did not accept it. He exploded on the spot, without so much as the briefest pause for thought. Not so much at learning the business – he had always grudgingly supposed he would have to one day – and certainly he made no attempt to hide his lack of interest or indeed the fact that he did not care enough even to know what manner of business his father was in. No, it was, as he saw it, Loki's casual and callous banishment that he refused to accept or allow. He railed against it so hard and so loud that it was not until he turned to Loki for the support and the similar horror he felt sure would come that he noticed that Loki was sat still in his seat, barely reacting to the news in his own extraordinary sea of calm. Indeed, he was even smiling faintly, the sight of which made Thor pause in his ranting for surprise. He frowned;

"Loki?" It crossed his mind that Loki was simply in shock; he could not stop, right at that moment, to dislike himself for almost hoping this. He was simply floored with a feeling of terrible betrayal when Loki quite calmly asked them which university they had in mind. It occurred to Thor quicker than he wanted it to that they really were discussing this, in front of him, as though it was alright. As though Loki's acceptance, even more than his parents decision, were not a terrible and unforgivable betrayal. Knowing he should not be thinking of it like this did not help. He simply could not just sit there and listen to Loki being, for all the world and appearances, content, even interested in going away and leaving him. He made a furious inarticulate sound of disgust and stormed from the room like a whirlwind taking all the rain he felt building up inside with him.

It felt like hours that he paced, up and down the corridor, waiting for Loki to come out, not wanting to speak to him, wanting to speak to him terribly, to try and understand, wanting to either have been able to be an adult about things and stayed or to have really run off and ignored it all, wanting least of all to be pacing furiously in the family's near vicinity unsure whether he was separate or involved in the drama that was unfolding, within and without. He stopped dead in the hallway. Just like Loki said he had always been. Like he had always tried to explain. It was horrible. More so knowing that Loki was always poised on this horrible confusing edge than being there right now itself. It was on the back of this sudden awful understanding that the door opened and Loki came out, looking cool as a breeze. Thor tried to ignore his ridiculously howling heart but could not keep the nervous tension and need – he hardly know what for – out of his eyes. Loki took one look at him and rolled his, opened his mouth to speak, thought better of it, sighed in a manner Thor could not quite read and walked away quickly before he could move to follow.

As soon as Loki was out of sight, taking a side door out into the gardens, Thor realised how little he wanted him to be so, how in fact this was of course his entire problem. He kicked himself and followed.

Loki had not gone far- clearly, Thor thought, in expectation of his following. He supposed that this was encouraging at least, though the smug tight smile he saw tugging at the corners of Loki's lips upon hearing him approach was less so. Loki leant upon the wall, arms folded, looking out down to the sea, following with his eyes, as he so often did, the wheeling of the birds across the sound. Thor watched his shoulders rise and fall in a soft sigh as though he had already imagined this conversation in his mind so clearly they did not even have to have it.

"I know what you're going to say Thor," he said, wearily but not unkindly – and in many ways it as this lack of passion that frightened Thor the most – "You're going to shout and rage, rail against what has to be. You'll beg me to protest, to make them change their mind and when I don't you're going to be angry and hate me."

Finally Loki turned to him and for the first time Thor saw sadness, brimming like pools in the rain and washing the greyish eyes an almost sparkling green, leaves in the damp of an early morning.

"And do you think, perhaps –" this time his lip quivered – "We could just not. Can we just skip the whole scene and go on to the part where I'm gone and you get over it –"

Finally Thor had to interrupt;

"Loki do you want to be gone? I don't understand –"

"What is it that you don't understand, Thor?" For the first time Loki's voice became bitter – "Why I'm not weeping and bemoaning my fate? Why I'm not a selfish, emotionally incontinent wreck like you? Are you sad that I'm not? Is that it?"

"Did you know about this?"

Loki's eyes narrowed, then he lowered them and shook his head –

"Yes –" he shook it again – "No. That is. It was never discussed, but yes I've suspected something like this was going to happen ever since they went away. I'm just glad it's not worse."

"Not worse?" Thor echoed, incredulous – "Why did you never say something?"

"You really are dense aren't you? What did you think I meant by the "it can't last" and the "I don't trust it?" Did you take me for a fool and unfounded misery maker? Jesus Thor – don't you know I'm always right?"

"Don't you care?"

"What good would it do me if I did?" Loki kicked the wall in tired frustration, head swimming with the irony that it was such an effort not to care it might almost be better if he just admitted that he did.

Thor turned his head away, too much of his body following the gesture for Loki's liking, he could see too much of Thor's thoughts in the gesture, or his heart if not his thoughts. Could see that this was too heavy upon him even for him to be able to shout and argue as the had both been prepared for him to do.

"Where is it –" he asked, leadenly – "Where do they have in mind?"

"We've been talking about Oxford," Loki nodded, voice just as flat, although he was torn himself over this, between a certain guilty happiness at the idea and, as Thor predictably swallowed out loud –

"So far".

He had not thought the weight of this could become heavier, but this added news was a kick to the chest he had not imagined could hit as hard as it did. And suddenly it hurt Loki that Thor would not meet his eyes and he felt a pull in two directions that was almost a physical strain – the one urging him to walk away, to not get into this and the other to fly into his big brothers' arms. In the end he managed a strange combination, at any rate a point stiffly between the two;

"Thor –" he whispered in what sounded like a remonstrance, he did not know against what, leaning his head in and pressing himself to Thor's chest while his arms still hung limply at his sides. It should not have been such a relief that Thor wrapped him instantly into his arms – but it was, Loki pressing his hands up crushed against his chest in a gesture that seemed uncertain whether it was a pressing towards or a pulling away. Thor simply squeezed his little brother tight, resting his chin upon Loki's head, expressing in his embrace everything he was trying to say until it was as though he had really spoken out loud.

"I know," Loki sighed, uncertain whether he hated it this way or not – "I know you want to keep me. I know it's all you've ever wanted. But you can't. Not this day – I'm –" but he stops just shy of the word sorry. Thor does not hear it.

"I will wait my whole life for that day, then."

"I know that too," Loki sighed again – "I wish – that you would not."

Thor's forehead creased in consternation –

"It is the same for you brother?" there was an uncertainty in the statement – he never meant it to be a question, never wanted it to be – he would never have thought could be there. Loki paused a moment before replying, not wanting to lie this time, neither wanting really to try and express the truth.

"All my life –" he finally said, and slowly – "I've never wanted anybody else."

It was the truth. It was just not quite the relevant answer to Thor's question. To his relief it seemed to satisfy all the same.

For a long time after that they stood there, unwilling to break apart, clinging on to childhood with tentative roots tearing away at the soil of their past. Overhead the birds wheeled and their predatory cry rang hollow out across the cloudy sky which looked down upon them and did not care.

_x_

This kinda went more melancholy than I meant it to. Heigh ho, the next bit will be cheerier.

I apologise a hundredfold for the delay in this, I've been stuck in a farmhouse on the middle of a moor in Cornwall for two weeks with absolutely no internet access and family making me far too tired to write. So I am sorry if this chapter is a bit stiff and creaky around the corners, I'm just getting back in the swing of it! The next update will come much quicker! :-)