To the moon and back

Shes taking her time making up the reasons,

To justify all the hurt inside,

Guess she knows from the smiles and the looks in their eyes,

Every ones got a theory bout the bitter one,

They're saying, momma never loved her much and,

Daddy never keeps in touch,

That's why she shies away from human affection.

Savage Garden – To the moon and back

"Okay, so I have to warn you. My brothers are very protective over me. The age gap between us may be an issue for them. I think they'll like you, but they are going to give you a hard time about it, considering you're older than my oldest brother." I warned Criss as I flipped my turn signal on to turn onto my moms street.

"How old is your oldest brother?" Criss asked me.

"32."

"Okay, so I'm 11 years older than your oldest brother. That's not too bad." He laughed. I looked over at him shaking my head. I pulled my truck into my moms drive way and pulled the key out of the ignition.

I took in a deep breath and said a silent prayer that my brothers didn't kill him. "They have no idea that you're with me, let alone that you and I have been spending time together." I told him. "So just hang back on the porch until I get them calm and explain to them okay?" Criss nodded. "Alright, lets do this."

Criss leaned back on the railing of the front porch, I took one last look at him before I walked through my moms front door.

"Mom?" I yelled. "I'm here." Bella, my moms puggle, barked her screechy bark as I tried to calm her down.

"Bella! Get down!" My mom yelled swatting Bella away. "What are you doing here?" She asked me. I didn't come around my moms house very often. I was more of a stay at home person, and my mom and brothers usually came to my house.

"I have someone I want you guys to meet. Is Arthur, Dan, and Drew here?" I asked her.

"Yea, they're all outside playing hackie sack. Who do you want us to meet?" She asked giving me the eye. I laughed to myself, my brothers didn't care how cold or warm it was, hackie sack was their game.

"Mom, this is going to be a bit hard to believe, but," I hesitated, thinking of how to tell her, I decided that blunt was the easiest way about it, "I ran into Criss Angel at that concert Jo and I went to, and we sort of, started, dating." I finished and looked at her, waiting for her to either scream at me, or say yeah right. She scrutinized my face for a moment.

"You talking about that magic guy I see on tv?" She asked me with one eyebrow raised. I nodded. "The guy that is ridiculously famous?" She asked with humor. I nodded again. "Arthur! Get in here! Your sister has lost her mind and I think we need to call a doctor." She yelled towards the back door. The sad thing was, she was serious, she really thought I had lost my mind.

"Whats up?" Arthur asked as he bounced through the back door, Dan and Drew following right behind him.

Arthur was my oldest brother, he wasn't very tall but he was muscular, the type of guy that when you saw him, you knew not to mess with him. He had a 'don't screw with me' attitude, which I think had mostly to do with why no one wanted to trade words with him.

All my brothers had blue eyes and light brown hair, it was kind of the family trait. Arthur was my protector more than any of them. He had a very protective temper and was always quick to jump the gun when someone messed with me. He was always the one asking where the person was he needed to kill, Dan and Drew always standing behind him, ready for back up. He loved his family more than anything and he would protect his family no matter what. The only person I had ever seen him back down to was his sons mother, and that was a whole other story unto itself.

Dan was my second oldest brother, only a year younger than Arthur, a little bit shorter with a receding hair line. Dan was the chunky brother, he wasn't big, but had a gut that was getting bigger every year. He was the brother that no one wanted to argue with. His sense of humor was great, but he had no problem telling people off, of course, using sarcasm every time. He was funny to watch when he did.

I one time watched him answer the phone, it was a telemarketer asking for my dad, Dan said he would go get him, set the phone down, and sat back on the couch. Ten minutes later, he grabbed the phone again, said he was in the shower, he would go get him, and set the phone back down. The telemarketer sat on the phone for a good half hour before hanging up. Dan was my humor brother. There was never a dull moment with Dan around.

Then there was Drew. The youngest of my brothers. He was two and a half years older than me. Him and I weren't very close. We loved each other unconditionally, but Drew being the closest in age to me, was the one I always got into fist fights with as a kid. Arthur and Dan always had to break them up.

Drew was the athletic one. He got into basketball and football in middle school, by his senior year, he was the star quarterback. He would've taken it all the way to college, but he was tired of sports, didn't even play basketball his senior year. So it was needless to say that when him and I got into our fights, they were pretty bad.

Drew was the tallest of all three, but the skinniest as well. His hair was a little more blond than Arthurs and Dans. And he was usually the quiet one of us four. Drew and I hardly ever talked or hung out, usually the only time I ever saw him was at family get togethers. But he had a protective side to him also.

Years back, I had an ex boyfriend who started stalking me after we split up. I remember Drew telling me that if he caught him on our property he was going to kill him. He was series. When I told him I didn't want him to go to jail over something so stupid he looked at me and said 'oh don't worry, Ill make sure the cops see him with a weapon, Ill claim self defense'. It was something I expected to hear Arthur say, but not Drew. But that was my brothers for you. Always looking out for their little sister.

"Your sister has lost her mind, she thinks shes dating Criss Angel." My mom told them.

My mom was a beautiful woman. I loved my mom more than anyone on the planet. We had a lot of fights when I was in high school. She even kicked me out seven different times. I went to live with my dad a few of those times, but I always came back. Ever since I moved out and got my own place, my mom and I have become best friends.

It was still hard to admit how much we looked a like. Of course, her being in her 50's I looked like a younger version of her. Our hair was exactly the same. Sometimes I cursed her for giving me her hair. Dark brown, thicker than anything, curly, with a mind of its own. People told us all the time that we could pass as sisters, and we could have.

She looked very young for being in her 50's. She was an inch or two taller than me, and about 100 pounds heavier but our faces were identical, same hair, same blue eyes. In fact, a lot of people said all five of us looked the same. Which kind of creeped me out in high school, having girls tell me they thought Drew was so hott, and then five minutes later have them tell me how much Drew and I looked a like. I laughed to myself thinking about that.

My brothers and my mom stood there staring at me with doubt on their faces.

"I'm serious guys. He's out on the porch."

"And when did this happen?" Arthur crossed his arms, obviously teasing me.

"Four days ago." I said quietly. They looked at me in disbelief.

"Go look if you don't believe me." Arthur started towards the front door. "Hold on," I said suddenly stopping Arthur in his tracks, "before you guys freak out, I know you don't know much about him, but hes a lot older than me." I told them.

"How much older?" Dan asked with a disapproving look.

"Forty three." I said quietly.

"What!" Arthur yelled.

"Look, age doesn't matter to me, he's a really good guy. And besides, I would rather have an older, more mature man, than all the immature assholes around my age." I said in Criss' defense.

"Lana, hes older than me." Arthur pointed out.

"I know, I know, but you've got to give him a chance. And please, please, pleeease, don't be mean, don't scare him away and don't threaten him. He means a lot to me." I pleaded with them.

"You're our little sister. Its our job." Arthur winked at me as he flung open the front door.

"Mom!" I yelled as I turned to face her. She was standing with her arms crossed and a grin on her face.

"Don't look at me, I might enjoy this." She laughed. Then all of them jogged to the door and flew out onto the front porch.

This isn't going to be good, I thought to myself as I followed behind them.

"So, tell me, what does an old man like you want with my little sister?" I heard Arthur yell as he marched up to Criss. Criss took a step back. I watched as his eyes grew wide with shock and his hands flew up in defense. "That's my little sister!" He snapped and pointed back to me.

"Arthur!" I yelled.

"Nah, Lana, I wanna know if he can handle having three brother in laws who will whoop his ass." He shouted to me, "think you can handle my little sister and her brothers? You gonna take care of her?" He sneered at Criss and stopped to stand in front of him. He had his crazy face on, and I wouldn't blame Criss if he ran away at that moment, but instead he stood his ground.

"I, Um, er, I, uh." Criss stuttered looking for the right thing to say.

"Whoa! Who said anything about in laws?" I shouted.

Arthur looked back at me and rolled his eyes, he knew better. He knew that I wasn't one to get into a relationship without thinking long term.

"Look, I have no intentions of hurting her. She means a lot to me." Criss said with a shaky voice. Was he really intimidated by them? Or was he just acting that way for my benefit? Maybe a little bit of both? Arthur could be a very intimidating guy.

"Oh, we'll see about that!" Arthur snapped.

"Want me to get the shotgun?" Dan asked Arthur. Both of their faces brightened as they watched Criss' reaction, Criss was practically shitting himself. Yep, he was definitely intimidated by them. It was kind of cute to watch Criss shaking in his boots, but I felt bad for him. I smacked my head to my forehead and looked to the did they have to do this?

"Not yet, I wanna see what he has to say for himself." Arthur said. Criss relaxed slightly but still kept his guard up.

"I really like your sister." Criss tried to plead with them. I smacked my hand on my forehead again, wrong thing to say Criss; Never bring up the fact that I'm their sister.

"How do you know that? You've only just met her." Drew asked stepping up next to Arthur and crossed his arms.

"All you need to know, is that guns, and the Lovegrove attitude are a bad combination. Don't think for one second we wont hunt your ass down." Arthur threatened him. Criss took another step back.

I looked back at my mom who was holding her hand in front of her face, obviously holding back a laugh.

"Its too early for this shit." I muttered to myself. Criss leaned slightly over to look at me. I gave him an apologetic look as I shook my head.

"Don't look at her! Look at me! I want an answer, you gonna hurt my sister?" Arthur yelled.

Criss shook his head heavily. "I have no intentions of hurting your sister, honest to god." I threw my hands over my face attempting to wipe away my embarrassment.

"Good, cause if you hurt her, I swear, I will bring the wrath of god down on you." Arthur said sternly.

"I would never hurt Lana, I love her!" Criss blurted.

Everyones jaws hit the ground. I snapped my head over towards Criss, my eyes wide with shock. His eyes connected with mine and I could tell he didn't mean to say that out loud. I was pretty sure he knew better than to admit something like that to three older brothers who were, at the moment, threatening to kill him.

"Whoa, dude. Did you just say what I think you said?" Dan asked.

Criss stood there for a moment with his jaw open. "I.. think I did." he said quietly.

"I think now would be a good time to get the shotgun." Arthur said to Dan while he kept his death stare on Criss. Criss tensed back up and backed away, unable to get too far before he backed into the porch railing.

I felt my moms hand lightly rest on my shoulder and all three of my brothers turned their heads to me. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't take my eyes off Criss. Criss' eyes didn't leave mine as all of us stood there silently.

"Awkward." I heard Drew say.

"I think shes in shock." Dan pointed out. I flipped Dan off without taking my eyes from Criss.

"Shes fine." Dan laughed.

"Well, I think I'm going to get the grill started." My mom said as she cleared her throat and walked towards the back of the house.

"You and I are going to have a talk," Arthur told Criss. He looked back at me and then back to Criss, "alone." Criss looked back at me.

'I'm sorry' I mouthed to him as Arthur lead him into the house.

"Wow Lana, looks like you did yourself in this time." Drew laughed shaking his head and walked back to join my mom.

"I don't think he'll physically hurt him, not yet anyway." Dan told me. He threw his arm over my shoulder. "Come on, lets go eat." He ushered me to the back of the house. I took one last glance at the front door as Dan dragged me away.

"So, do you like him?" Dan asked me as we sat down on the patio chairs. I stared blankly at the ground as I thought of how to word my answer carefully. I took a deep breath.

"Yes." was all I could say.

"Do you love him?" He asked me in a low voice.

"Yes." I admitted. I picked at my fingers waiting for Dan to unhinged.

"Well, apparently he loves you." He sighed. I looked up at him confused. Where was the screaming? The lecturing? The anger? I glanced over at my mom and Drew to make sure they weren't catching our conversation. They were both fighting with the grill to get the charcoal burning.

"Lana, look. I've got seven years on you. And I'm going to tell you, true love, is extremely rare. Yea, you might find someone you love, but after years of being with them, neither of you are the same person anymore, and you grow apart, eventually you break up.

"But every once in a while, you find that one person that you truly love. That one person, who through 50 years of being together, you still love each other unconditionally and still look at each other with the same eyes that you did in the beginning, with the same passion that you had 50 years ago. And my advice to you, because I love you, if you find that, don't let it go."

"But who's to say Criss and I have that?" I asked softly.

Dan chuckled. "Lana, take it from a man himself. Men don't openly admit, that in four days, they love someone. There are two reasons men would say that, one, to get into your pants, and two, he really does love you. And seeming how he said it right in front of your three older brothers and your mom, I'm going to say reason number one doesn't apply."

"But its only been four days." I mumbled.

Dan shrugged. "Sometimes that's all it takes. Sometimes less."

"But things are so complicated." I told him.

"Well, everything is. But if its meant to be, then everything will work out. Just don't give up. For something that good, you should always fight for it." He said.

I looked behind me to my mom and Drew, who were both still fighting with the grill.

"Do you think mom and James would've been that rare couple? If I hadn't.." I stopped myself before I could finish. Dan took a long deep breath and smiled slightly.

"I do. And Lana, we all know that wasn't your fault." He leaned forward and placed his hand on my knee.

I cleared my throat, wrapped my coat tightly around myself and shivered.

"Think its ever going to make up its mind? Either snow or warm up already." I said looking up at the sky.

"Its Michigan, it'll never make up its mind. Hell, tomorrow it could be 70 degrees, ya never know." He smiled at me.

"Yea, ya never know." I agreed and smiled back. I could have smacked myself for that. I knew better than to bring up James. Every time he was brought up, I felt my many years of battling my depression go down the drain. I could feel the acid trying to make its way up my throat and the guilt make its way into the pit of my stomach.

"Whats not Lanas fault?" I heard my mom ask as she placed her hands onto the back of my chair.

"Nothing Mom, forget it." Dan quickly said.

"James?" She asked in a vulgar tone. Just then the sliding glass doors slid shut and Arthur and Criss came walking up. Arthur looked to me and then my mom, instantly recognizing what was about to happen.

"Mom, drop it." Arthur told her. "This is supposed to be a good family day, right?" Mom exhaled heavily, pushed off from my chair and walked back to the grill. Criss looked puzzled. I shook my head at him and looked back at Dan.

"I'm so stupid." I whispered.

"Sometimes you can be! What the hell were you thinking that night anyway? Huh?" I heard my mom yell, her voice coming closer. I quickly jumped out of my seat and turned, only to see my moms angry face coming towards me at a fast pace. Her face was red and looked like she was on the verge of killing me.

It all happened simultaneously. Drew ran up behind her, grabbing her arm, Arthur leaped over a lawn chair and caught her other arm, and Dan jumped up so quickly that his chair fell backwards. Dan was dashed in front of me, arms out in protection mode.

"Mom, calm down. Lets get your medication, okay?" Drew tried to reason with her.

"No! I'm not crazy! Its her fault! Its your fault he's dead!" She screamed at me.

My throat locked up and I started having trouble breathing. I could hear the sobs in my chest and feel the tears stream down my cheeks. My knees started feeling week and felt as if they were going to buckle any second.

"I'm so sorry Mom." I wailed.

"You should be!" She screamed as she broke into tears.

I threw my hands over my face. I felt Criss come up behind me and place his hands on my hips. I suddenly felt my sob start to slow. He slowly pulled me into his body and wrapped his arms tightly around my waist. Dan turned to face Criss.

"You got her?" he asked. Criss nodded.

"Come on mom, lets get your medicine." Drew said as all three of them pulled her towards the front door. I listened as her cries faded.

"Lana?" Criss whispered. I tried to gather myself before I could face him. But I couldn't. I started to cry harder and my knees finally gave way. Criss sank with me as I hit the ground and cried. He didn't say anything, he just sat with me, on the cold ground and held me until I could breath again.

We sat outside for a long time, with Criss just holding me. I had managed to stop crying, and it wasn't long before my brothers were back outside cooking the food. The looks they kept giving me out of the corner of their eyes were obvious, they knew I was still on the verge of a breakdown, and they were making sure I was okay.

Finally, mom had come back outside. She stood beside me for a moment before she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and pulled me to her.

"I'm so sorry Lana. You know how I can get when I don't take my meds. I didn't mean it hunny, you know that right?" Mom asked me as she looked down at me.

"I know mom, its okay, lets just have a nice dinner okay?" I said, trying to make light of the situation, even though I was really dying inside. My mood seemed to lighten a tiny bit as the day went on. My brothers always seemed to have a way of cheering me up, and by the end of the dinner, I was actually laughing and joking along with them, but that ache that was now in my stomach never fully went away.

"You ready to go?" Criss asked me after what seemed to be the longest family dinner of my life was over. I kept on the fake smile as we said our goodbyes and walked to my truck. Criss knew full well I was in no condition to drive, so without a word, he fished my keys from my pocket, helped me into the passenger side, and slid into the drivers side. He didn't say a word as he started the truck and backed out of the driveway.

We were both silent the entire ride back to my house. Even when he put the truck into park, it took a few minutes before either of us spoke.

"Im sorry you had to witness that." I mumbled and hid my face in my coat sleeve, too embarrassed to face Criss. After my moms breakdown, and then my own, I wasn't sure how Criss felt, but I was certain that if anything, it scared him away. After today, I was probably never going to see him again.

"Lana." Criss whispered and pried my arm away from my face, then turning me to face him. "Everyone has problems, nobody's perfect."

"Yea, well, not everyone has a mother who requires medication to keep her from killing her own daughter. And I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to see me anymore." I said and looked out the passenger window, waiting for my suspicions to be confirmed.

Criss chuckled, making me turn to face him. "Lana, nothing could stop me from seeing you." he leaned over a lightly kissed me. "Do you hear me? Nothing."

He kissed me harder and longer this time, leaving me breathless and almost making me forget about the ciaos that happened only hours earlier.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" he asked softly.

"I was stupid, said something I shouldn't have." I leaned my head back against the seat. "I said something about my step dad." I sighed. I rolled my head to the side to look at Criss, he was staring at me, waiting for me to explain further. I sighed heavily and rolled my head back to look at the ceiling of the truck.

"I was a stupid teenager. Constantly getting into trouble. Jo and I were best friends, and needless to say, when we were together we always got into trouble. My mom finally had enough when I got suspended from school for getting into a fist fight. She grounded me to my room for the remainder of the school year, and the summer. Of course I was stupid and didn't want to follow the rules." I took a deep breath.

"Jo called me one night and said there was a party going on at one of our friends. I knew my mom would say no, so I snuck out and Jo picked me up. It was a crazy party, I got super smashed, smoked some joints, by the end of the night I was blacked out. I woke up to Jo screaming at me and pulling me out of a bed, it was like 2 o'clock in the morning. I was butt ass naked with some guy I didn't even know. I started freaking out. I didn't know what to do."

"My step dad was usually the one I could run to when things got bad, so I called him. He said he would come and get me and we would talk about things in the morning. Course my mom had no idea he was coming to pick me up. When he got there he didn't yell and scream like my mom would have. Which is one reason why James and I got along so well, he didn't handle things like the rest of my family." I closed my eyes. I didn't want to relive it, but Criss needed to know.

"We were almost home. I was half asleep when the sounds of horns woke me up. All I saw was headlights coming towards us. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital bed, hooked up to all sorts of tubes. My mom and brothers were all there, even my dad was there.

"They all looked horrible, like they hadn't gotten any sleep for a week. They finally told me that James had been killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. By one of the kids that was at the party. The only reason I had lived was because I was asleep and didn't have time to react. I had been in a coma for two weeks and James was dead." I stopped for a moment to gather myself, I didn't want to break down again.

"After that, I went into a huge depression, locked myself in my room, dropped out of school, wouldn't talk to anyone, I dropped down to 85 pounds. They were threatening to hospitalize me if I didn't go to therapy. I finally started going after a week in a mental insinuation, they put me in there after I tried to.." I gulped, this was going to be extremely hard to say,

"Tried to kill myself." I finished. Criss sucked in air and he clenched his eyes shut.

"Therapy was a lot better than that nut house. It took three years before I could even look myself in the mirror. My mom blamed me for James death, and she was right to. If I hadn't been so stupid, it would have never happened. She got on medication, and it works, but if she forgets one dose," I imitated an explosion. I felt a tear fall down my cheek. Criss leaned over and wiped the tear with his thumb. He pulled me face towards his and looked into my eyes.

"Oh my god Lana," he hesitated, "I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry you had to go through that. But it wasn't your fault. There was no way you could have known that was going to happen. And you were a teenager, everyone makes stupid decisions when they're teenagers." He whispered. I sniffled and wiped my eyes with my sleeve and gave him a smile.

"I know. It just hurts when these things happen, I hate having to relive that whole thing. And when my mom has her episodes," I closed my eyes and looked out the window, "it kills me." I whispered. He didn't say anything and kept his eyes on mine.

"Trust me Criss. I spent a lot of years in therapy. I know now that it wasn't my fault, but I do miss him." Criss pulled me into a tight hug.

"I'm here for you Lana, no matter what happens, I will always be here for you." He said and kissed the top of my head. "Losing someone you love is the hardest thing anyone will ever know."

"I know. And life goes on, with or without us."

"I love you Lana." He whispered to me.

"I love you too Criss." I whispered back. I felt his arms tighten around me. We sat in the truck in silence, the only sound was our hearts beating. And as we held each other I suddenly knew what Dan was talking about.