Derek rushed into the NICU after receiving back to back pages from the nurses. He had no idea what was going on but walked in to find his wife gloved and gowned with defibrillation paddles in her hands.
"Charge again," she ordered the intern standing beside the machine.
"Dr. Shepherd," the intern tried to argue with her but was met with her signature glare.
"Charge the damn paddles!" she raised her voice.
"He first flatlined an hour ago," the nurse explained to Derek. "We can't stop her. She refuses to stop. Maybe you can help?" she asked hopefully.
Derek swallowed thickly as he nodded his head. He stepped closer to his wife and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Addie," he started softly. "Honey, you have to stop."
She turned her head and met his eyes. He could see the tears she was desperately fighting back.
"He's gone, you can't do anything," Derek told her. Her took a step closer to her and reached for the paddles in her hands. Once her had successfully taken them from her, he passed them on to Addison's intern and turned his attention back to her. He watched as she took a quick glance at both her wristwatch and the clock on the wall before calling a time of death and roughly pulling off her gloves and gown only to angrily shove them in a nearby trash bin. Derek followed behind her and placed a comforting hand at the small of her back.
"Are you okay?"
"He's dead."
"I know, I'm sorry," he offered softly as he wrapped his arms around her. "I know you tend to get attached to your patients sometimes. I know it's hard when something like this happens."
"I wasn't attached," Addison insisted.
"Then what's the problem?"
"He's barely a week old. His parents are in here with him all the time. They left for an hour to go home and shower and this happened. What am I supposed to tell him when they get back? Can you imagine coming back to news like that? I couldn't let it happen."
Derek gave her an understanding nod, "I know it makes your job harder now that you can related to the parents in the NICU. I know it's hard seeing all of these kids day in and day out and then seeing your own right next to them. This is why I was against you coming back to work so soon. It's too hard on you."
"I'll be okay," she mumbled, tiredly rubbing her eyes. She just needed to remind herself that every case was different and what happened to her patients wouldn't necessarily happen to her own baby. "And once Adaline can go home I will take my maternity leave. You can take your paternity leave. I think it would be good for us."
"Dr. Shepherd," a interrupted from a few feet away from the couple. Both Derek and Addison turned when they heard the name being called. "I was just on the phone with your daughter's doctor," she continued.
Addison felt her heart speed up as she numbly nodded, "What did he say?"
"Her oxygenation has been a bit unstable lately but other than that, there are no problems. No problems on her latest round of labs. He thinks a little skin-to-skin time would do her a world of good. It should help her with oxygenation."
"We can hold her?" Addison asked, instantly sounding a little more cheerful.
"You can, if you have time now we could try it out. You'd just have to take your shirt off and we'll place her on your chest and you can cuddle for a while."
Addison glanced at Derek who gave her a reassuring nod, "I think you should put everything else on the backburner right now and go cuddle our daughter. It'll help. And after you it's my turn."
Ten minutes later Addison was seated on a rocking chair with her lab coat and blouse slung over the back of the chair and a blanket covering her and her daughter's exposed skin. The infant curled up contently on her chest and held onto her mother's finger with her fist.
"Feel better?" Derek asked.
Addison nodded, "Much."
After being able to hold his daughter for the first time earlier that morning, Derek was on cloud 9. He was sure it was one of his best days in recent history. He was happy enough to skip around in the halls but restrained himself for the sake of professionalism. When he walked into the imaging room to view a set of CT scans, he found his wife sitting in front of one of the computers reading an ultrasound.
"Hey," he greeted as he took the computer beside hers and reached for the mouse to wake the computer screen. He quickly logged in and scrolled through his list of patients until he found the right name and then clicked on it to see the results.
"What are you doing?"
"Seattle Children's just sent over this ultrasound. 16 year old with endometriosis. It looks like the worst case I've ever seen. The doctors at Children's are recomending a hysterectomy but the patient and her family don't want that." she told her husband somberly.
"Oh," he frowned. "I mean, that's understandable. She's only 16. We wouldn't want to take away her option of having children so early. Is there anything else you can offer them?"
Addison shrugged, "There is corrective surgery but I don't know if it would help her. Her case is so advanced that it seems like a temporary solution because it will grow back. But if that's what they want, I can offer them that. I haven't met the patient yet. They're going to send her over and I'll have a better idea once I can see her and examine her myself."
Derek nodded understandingly, "When are they sending her over?"
"I'm going to call them right now and tell them to send her ASAP."
"You sound like you've got a busy day ahead of you. I've got a pretty light schedule today. I'm going to pick Adrianne up from school and we'll head home and start dinner. We'll make a plate for you and keep it warm in the oven until you get home."
"Derek," Addison started, nervously looking away from the computer screen and looking at her husband who was trying to focus on the CT scan in front of him.
"This is a follow up from a hemotoma that came in last week. He's looking clear so I can go give him the news and I'm free for the rest of the day. Might catch up on some departmental paperwork until I have to get Adrianne."
"Derek," she tried starting again, hoping this time she would have the courage to continue, "Do you want have lunch with me today?" she asked nervously. She felt like she was a band geek all over again, trying to ask out the quarterback. They had been spending plenty of time together but never alone. They were constantly with their kids. Their kids were their most notable common interest but she didn't want their relationship to be founded on their children. As much as she loved identifying as a family, she didn't want that to define their relationship. She wanted to be able to say they were still Addison-and-Derek. She wanted to know her marriage was founded on more than just their children.
"Oh," he mumbled, looking away from the scans and toward her. "I ate a really late breakfast so I was going to skip lunch."
"Oh, okay," Addison responded nonchalantly, trying to act as if the response didn't bother her. She logged off of the computer and pushed back her rolling chair. "Okay, I'm going to go grab a bite before my patient gets here."
Derek watched her get up from her seat and take a step toward the door before he called her name, "Addison," he started, "I can go with you to keep you company," he offered as he logged out of his account and left the computer on. "Maybe you can head down to the cafeteria and get in line or grab a table. I need about ten minutes to talk to this patient and then I'll meet you there?"
Addison smiled in response, "Thanks, Derek."
Almost twenty minutes later Derek arrived in the cafeteria and spotted his wife's back to him. She was seated at a table by herself, picking at her salad without really eating any of it. He moved toward and took a seat across from her. "Sorry I'm late," he apologized. When she looked up from her food he could tell that she had been trying her hardest not to seem upset. "You're upset," he acknowledged. "I'm sorry, Addie, my patient had more questions than I anticipated and then the elevator stopped and practically every floor before it got down here. I was going to text you to tell you but my phone never has service in those damn elevators."
"I got an extra pudding cup for you," she replied, taking one of the two chocolate pudding cups from her tray and sliding it over to Derek. She held out an extra spoon to him and he took it with a smile.
"These are my favorite."
"I know. Anytime I buy them for the kids you eat half of the pack."
"You eat them too," he said in his defense, pointing his chocolatey spoon at her in accusation when Addison gave up on her barely eaten salad and opened her pudding cup instead.
"Derek," Addison mumbled, meeting her husband's eyes. "I miss this," she admitted softly.
"Miss what? Pudding?"
"No, spending time with you."
"We spend time together all the time, Addie," Derek responded, quirking one brow in confusion.
"Not like this," she insisted. "We do spend a lot of time together but rarely alone. It's usually with at least one of our kids. If it's not with them or about them then it's about work. It's been a really long time since it's been just us for the sake of being together."
"You're right. I miss that too," he agreed. "We used to make time for lunch together when we were residents. I really miss those times. We were so young. So much less responsibility. Everything was much easier."
"Do you think we'll ever be able to get back to that?" Addison wondered hopefully. A frown instantly formed on her face when she saw her husband shake his head.
"I don't think it ever gets easier. Especially considering that our baby will be coming home any day now. We're going to have three kids at home. Two of them will be under 5." he told her honestly. "I know you don't want our marriage to be built around our children. I guess that just means that we have to make chocolate pudding lunch breaks a regular thing."
One week after Addison and Derek first got to hold their baby, they were finally able to take her home. Addison hired a decorator the second she was given a projected discharge date to make sure the nursery would be done in time. With both previous pregnancy she never faced the struggle of being a working mother with a child in the NICU. She was able to decorate their nurseries herself and she had the time to nag Derek for days, weeks even, for him to put all of the furniture together. This time around she didn't have time to do everything the way she had done it the first two times around.
In the grand scheme of things, she didn't care. All that really mattered to her was the fact that her daughter was finally given the green light to go home. Though she had forgotten the difficulties of having an infant at home, she cherished every minute of it. To her surprise, the 2 am feedings became her favorite time of day. Everyone else was a asleep. She didn't have to worry about rushing the infant through her bottle to make it in time to pick someone up from school. She didn't have anyone calling her name for something. She didn't have to worry about patients or paperwork. The 2 am feedings were just her and Adaline and she wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.
"Adaline, you're not done, kiddo. You need to finish your bottle so you don't get hungry again in an hour. I love you and I love the 2 am feedings but I am not getting up again in an hour or two because you didn't eat as much as you're supposed to," she said softly, stroking her daughter's cheek to trigger her sucking reflex. When she heard quiet footsteps in the hall Addison's brows came together and she held the baby just a little more tightly, bringing her closer to her chest. She didn't want to alarm the baby but was unsure how to react to the strange occurrence. When the door opened to reveal her older daughter Addison sighed in relief. "What are you doing up?"
"I couldn't sleep and I thought I heard you in here," Adrianne answered, leaning closer to peek at her baby sister. "Must be pretty awesome to be that little. Not a single care in the world. Nothing to worry about..."
"I used to think that all the time when Dylan first came home. They've made no mistakes, they've never been hurt, never hurt anyone, no stress, no heartache..."
"Can we really say that about Adaline though? She really struggled to stay alive. She's already gone through a lot more than some people who are like my age."
"Yeah, I guess she has," Addison looked down at the infant in her arms and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head.
"Can I ask you something?" Adrianne nervously proposed. She avoiding meeting her mother's eyes and instead chose to look down at her hands. "You're going to want to say no immediately but I want you to promise that you'll at least hear me out."
Addison gave her daughter a curious look, "Okay, I promise to listen to what you have to say before making a decision." She slowly pulled the empty bottle out of her infant daughter's mouth and repositioned her on her shoulder to bump her. She gently patted the baby's back and watched Adrianne struggle to find the right words to express her thoughts, "Whatever it is, Adrianne, just tell me," Addison suggested. "Don't script the conversation in your mind, don't try to sugar coat. Just tell me."
Adrianne took a deep breath and started, "A friend of mine is having a party at her house. Her parents are letting her have a house party with some people from school and she invited me."
"Do you want to go?"
"Kinda," Adrianne admitted. "After the whole incident with the girl from my class, none of the girls in my grade talk to me anymore. They don't like me anymore. This is the one girl from the whole grade that still talks to me."
"Adrianne, you didn't do anything wrong. You were hanging around with someone who was a negative influence in your life. She contributed to some terrible decisions on your end. You made the decision to protect yourself and choose different friends. You didn't do anything wrong."
"You're a little bias, Mom, don't you think? That's how you see it. That's not the version of the story that she's telling. She tells everyone that she took me under her wing when I was the new girl and I stabbed her in the back. Everyone thinks I'm a horrible person. This girl is literally one of the only people who still talks to me."
"If you feel comfortable going then you should go. I think you've grown a lot since you moved here. I think you've learned a lot about yourself. You learned from your mistakes. I trust you."
"You do?" Adrianne asked in surprise. "So I can go?"
Addison got up from the rocking chair, still rubbing the infant's back as she walked toward the crib to set her down. "You can go, honey," she confirmed for her daughter.
A week later Addison was curled up against her husband on their living room couch. It was the night of Adrianne's friend's party and neither one of them would allowed themselves to go to sleep until their daughter was safely home. They had easily put their son to bed for the night and their baby was contently napping in a bassinet nearby.
"Addie, I can stay up and wait for her call. I'll get her. We don't both need to stay awake. You should go to bed. Sleep while she sleeps. That's what they say, right?"
"I can't," Addison insisted. "I promised I'd go pick her up when she calls. And I'm worried about her. I can't sleep."
"If you were going to sit here and worry all night then why did you let her go, Addie ?"
"Because it is important that she gains independence. I want her to be a normal teenager. I don't want to shelter her from everything and raise her in a bubble because that's easier for me. And do you know what happens when you forbid your kids from doing things? They do them anyway, behind your back. Archer mastered climbing out of his second story bedroom window to go out. He did it like four times a week."
"Did you ever sneak out?"
"Derek, I was a band geek with braces and a lisp. I had no where to go at her age. I did sneak out to the lake once during my senior year. My class had planned our ditch day to meet there. One of the guys in my class lived right next door to me, Phil Davidson. He promised he'd drive me back home and my parents would never know I was gone. He left without me. Not just that, but he arranged for everyone to leave while I was gone."
"At least they didn't dare you to dive in naked and leave with all your clothes."
The comment earned him a glare from his wife. "That's exactly what they did, Derek," she hissed, clearly not over the incident.
"How did you get home?"
"There is this older couple there having a picnic or something. She had a blanket with her and was waiting for me to get back because she saw what happened. They offered to drive me home but I asked them to take me to a pay phone so I can call Archer. He came to get me and brought me clothes."
"Archer was in college when you were a high school senior. He drove all the way from Yale?"
"He's my older brother, Derek. He's always there for me. Always."
Derek rolled his eyes, "He's a saint," he mumbled sarcastically under his breath.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Derek, I'm not deaf, I heard you. Why are you so annoyed my brother? He's never done anything to you."
"He's threatened to castrate me on multiple occasions."
"For getting me pregnant out of wedlock and for basically abandoning me in our marriage. He was just being protective."
"Right. So I spend my whole childhood protecting my baby sister. Hid her while my dad was being killed. Made she she didn't see or hear anything. I shielded her whole life. She totaled my car and overdosed on oxy she got using my prescription pad and I helped get her clean. But our kids worship Archer as the ideal big brother while I'm just chopped liver."
Addison smirked at his explanation, "Are you jealous of Archer?" she asked with clear amusement on her face. "You're jealous that Dylan thinks he's a better big brother than you are."
"I'm not jealous."
"Good. Because, Honey, you're a great father. You can be a good husband when you try. You're a great doctor. A great person...but you're a terrible brother."
"Am not!"
"You rub everything in Amelia's face every chance you get. And how did we even get here? I am not arguing over who is a better brother. I was just saying that kids do things whether or not they have permission. It's better to have an open relationship so they feel comfortable coming to us. I don't want her going behind my back when something comes up. I'd like to avoid having a naked teenage daughter stuck at the lake, so to speak."
Just as she finished her statement her cell phone started ringing. She glanced at the screen to her daughter's name and quickly answered, "Adrianne? You've only been there for an hour and a half."
"Dr. Shepherd?" an unfamiliar voice asked from the other end of the line.
"Yes..." Addison trailed off, one brow raising in curiosity while her heart started pounded anxiously. "Who is this?"
"This is Dr. Cramer calling from Seattle Grace Hospital. Your daughter was just brought in unconscious. We've already started testing to determine a diagnosis but we need your consent for treatment."
The color quickly drained from Addison's face. She had just brought one child home from the hospital, she couldn't have another one admitted so soon. "Why?" she asked, "Why is she unconscious?"
"I can't give you that information over the phone, m'am. We can discuss details when you get here."
"Addie?" Derek mumbled when he noticed her becoming paler by the second.
"Dr. Shepherd? Are you still there?" the doctor asked from the other end of the line.
"Yes," she whispered. "I'll be there as soon as I can."
Almost 2 months! I don't think it has ever taken me so long to update a story. Hopefully the next chapter will be up much faster. I hate leaving stories unfinished and I start school on August 10th so that's my motivation to write and finish quickly. There are only one or two chapters left so it should be doable.
Thanks for reading. A review would be greatly appreciated.