"For the record, those were the best sandwiches I've ever eaten." Liz lightly punched Jacob in the arm, which was trickier than it sounded, given that they were both laying down on the blanket he'd laid out. "Ow. What, I was being serious! You have a gift."

"Smart ass." Jacob turned his head to the side to see the smile he could hear in her voice. Above all things he loved that grin, pulling at the corner of her mouth, like she was trying to keep it from spreading, but couldn't. He loved the joy on her face, and the slight overlap of her two front teeth that somehow make her beauty more real. Most of all he loved that he could make her smile that way. He felt pride knowing he could make her happy.

Gradually the smile faded from her features and a more pensive expression took its place.

"What are you thinking about?" Liz was silent a moment, which immediately raised a red flag. Whatever the thought, she didn't know if she wanted to share it.

"My father told me once that the light from the nearest star, Sirius, takes four years to reach Earth. Some of these other ones take decades, maybe centuries. Right now we think we think we're looking at them, but the some of them are already gone." There was a note of melancholy in her voice that was troubling. Clearly it wasn't just the stars she was thinking of.

"Opposite must be true though, right? Somewhere out there a new star is being born that we can't see yet." Liz rolled her eyes and offered a weak smile.

"You're annoyingly positive, has anyone ever told you that?" Actually she would be the first. Jacob could sense Liz was still uneasy. Maybe his instinct to avoid the looming difficulties was a mistake. It was starting to feel like they were pretending and if there was one this he wanted, it was for their relationship to be real. Jacob reached out and took Liz's hand, gently threading his fingers between hers.

"You're worried about tomorrow." Liz finally turned to look at him, a hint of sadness in her eyes.

"Not just tomorrow."

"Graduation." He didn't ask it as a question, because he knew it was the answer. Liz has said as much to him on the day they met. He'd hoped they'd turned a corner after Morris, but all the doubt hadn't been eradicated.

"Maybe we shouldn't talk about this. I don't want spoil our last night together." Jacob winced at Liz's phrasing. It sounded so final, like they were condemned prisoners at a final meal.

"See, there, that's the problem. 'Our last night together'. I think if we avoid this conversation, then we're silently accepting there may not be a next one. I'm not okay with that." A week wasn't enough time. This couldn't be the end for them. He wouldn't let it be.

"Then what would you suggest?" She deserved to hear what he'd planned, how he would help her through the transition from recruit to agent.

"I know you're worried about the jobs McCready might ask you to do. I was thinking I could talk to him. I am the Golden Boy after all." Liz's horrified expression was not what he'd been expecting.

"Are you insane? If you ask him to give me special treatment-"

"I wouldn't present it as special treatment. McCready matches job to agents based on their skill sets. Playing to operatives' strengths is a good business model because it makes him a ton of money. I think you would excel at taking down bad guys. You could repay your debt taking out the Morrises of the world." Jacob's own hopeful smile dimmed a bit when he saw the grim expression on Liz's face.

"You really think he'd go for that?" Obviously, or he wouldn't have suggested it.

"Why wouldn't he? Bud's a businessman first and foremost. Besides he's not such a bad guy. He practically raised me." Jacob wasn't fooled by Liz's noncommittal hum. She wasn't convinced. "You don't agree." Liz paused a few seconds before answering.

"I don't think he should get credit for you."

"Ouch." Though he said it in jest, Jacob had to admit it did sting. Liz reached out and stroked Jacob's cheek.

"I meant he didn't make you who you are. He didn't make you strong or smart or funny or anything of the rest of it. All he did was recognise you were special and..." Liz voice trailed off and she moved her hand to his hair. It almost felt good enough to make him not care what she'd planned to say. Almost.

"And what?"

"I don't walk to talk about this right now." Liz leaned in to kiss him, and despite fierce temptation to do otherwise, he moved out of range.

"Why not?" Liz sighed heavily.

"Because I don't want to fight." Jacob knew that smart move would be to back down. He was lying under the stars next to his beautiful girlfriend. He had pulled a potentially disastrous evening out of the tube. Did he really want to mess with that?

"And you think we would?" Apparently he did. Bud supposedly only recruited kids with high IQs. At the moment Jacob was wondering if his own test had been misscored.

"I think we see McCready very differently." He should just drop it now, go back to kissing Liz. She didn't want to press the issue. So what if she didn't like Bud? That didn't matter. She wasn't asking him to betray his mentor, or even join her in trashing him. Liz was entitled to her own opinion.

"I still want to know." It was like his brain and his mouth had stopped communicating.

"He uses you. He uses all of us. I hate him." Hate? Hate was powerful word. Jacob had only really ever hated one person, his foster father. The man had deserved the word for making Jacob's life hell, and for what he did to...Well, the point was McCready had done nothing to hurt Liz, at least thus far, so why would she feel that kind of passionate anger toward him?

"Why? He stopped you from getting yourself killed." Bud had saved Liz as surely as he had saved Jacob. Without question those gang bangers would have killed her.

"Have you ever seen the movie, Assassins? Sylvester Stallone, Antonio Banderas, and Julianne Moore?" Jacob blinked. That was an interesting segway.

"No." Jacob had very little knowledge of pop culture that he hadn't learned in preparation for an assignment. Television and movies just seemed like a waste of time.

"It's one my Dad's favorites. Any way, in the movie there's this story the woman tells about a little bird flying south for the winter. He leaves too late, gets caught in a frost, freezes and falls out of the sky. He lands in a field of cows. One of the cows comes over and craps on him. The poop defrosts the little bird, and the bird is so happy to be alive that he starts to sings. A cat hears the bird, comes over, clears off the poop, and eats him. The moral of the story is this: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy, and everyone who gets you out of crap, is not necessarily your friend." He tried to work his way through the allegory to the point Liz was trying to make.

"You think Bud's the cat." If so then who was the cow? Reddington? Or was it the other way around?

"Yes. How many kids that he "saves" end up dead by his hand, before they even graduate? How many die in the field, repaying their 'debt' to him?"

"He gives us a chance, which is more than we would have gotten if he hadn't taken us in." As far as Jacob knew Bud never promised a single recruit safety, just an opportunity. Any recruit that failed to take advantage of it, it was on them.

"How do you know? How do you know for certain that you wouldn't have found your way out? If there is one thing your experience at this school should have taught is that you have unlimited potential. You can be anything you want to be." You. Liz was talking about him. She was angry at Bud, on his behalf, because she believed he could have done better without St. Regis.

"Only because of what I learned here, which was how to be anyone I want to be. Just like he promised." He had been nothing before Bud, just one more street urchin swiping purses. A throw-away. A statistic. A nobody. St. Regis had turned him into someone valuable. Someone with potential. Someone with a future.

"No. You learned how to be anyone HE wants you to be. There's a difference. He uses you and you're grateful to him for it." Was that pity he saw in her eyes? That was the last thing he wanted from her. It was the last thing he deserved. He sat up and turned away from her.

"Everybody uses everybody else. That's the world." So what if Bud profited from Jacob's success? Nobody with half a brain does something for nothing. Humans are selfish creatures, even the ordinary ones. Even do-gooders got something in return for their so-called charity. Feeling of moral superiority, fast past to heaven, or whatever. Altruism didn't exist.

"Is that how you see me? As something to use?" Jacob turned back to Liz sharply. His immediate response was an overwhelming negative. Then he paused. Was he using Liz? When he was with her he felt peace and joy, like he'd never felt before. Was he using her to ensure that feeling didn't stop? Was that the real reason he'd turned Reddington down, not because he thought she'd be safer with Bud, but because he selfishly wanted to keep Liz with him?

"No. Never." Liz had to be the priority. Her safety, her happiness before all else.

"Good. Because I think you're more than what he's convinced you, you are." Liz cupped her hand on his cheek and he put his own hand over it. She had such faith in him. Liz knew what he was and yet still somehow believed he could be more.

"I'm not a good guy, Liz." Right then he desperately wanted to be. Someone honest. Someone kind. Someone who deserved her.

"No, you're not. But I think you could be, if you wanted." He did want it. Looking her eyes glowing with love and trust, he wanted to be the man she thought he could be. But it wasn't that simple. Being good wasn't a choice he could just make. How could he, after everything he'd already done? His life would never allow it. Bud would never allow it.

Jacob suddenly saw his future laid out before him. Job after job of the same old dirty shit. Lies. Betrayal. Torture. Murder. Then he'd wash his hands clean and return to Liz. She'd know what he'd been doing, and try ignore it, or maybe forgive him for it. How could she though, when right and wrong were so much a part of the fabric of who she was? How long before her understanding turned to disgust? Not just at him, but at herself. Is that the life he wanted for her? He needed to tell her about Reddington's offer. Let her choose. Make her make the decision, so he didn't have to.

"Liz..." He couldn't force the words out. The way she was smiling at him, HIM, not some cover identity. Him. Jacob Phelps. How could he give that up? Even if it wasn't forever, couldn't he have it now?

"You don't have to say it. I know. And I love you too." Jacob was pretty sure his heart stopped. Liz lended forward and kissed him, removing the necessity of his speaking. She moved on top of him, straddling him with a leg on each side. The heart that had slowed to halt suddenly felt like it would erupt from his chest. They were rapidly approaching a line they had yet to cross. More than anything he wanted to disappear into the moment, embrace the present bliss and pay the price later. Except he couldn't...because he loved her. Even more than he wanted her, he loved her. What had Reddington said? Love meant making the decision that was best for her, not him.

He gently put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her away.

"Liz...I should take you back to your dorm." Confusion colored Liz's features.

"I thought...This isn't about...I mean, you know I'm not..." Liz's flushed features became redder still as she struggled for the words.

"No, it's not that. And obviously it's not that I don't want to. Just...not tonight, okay?" After a long pause Liz nodded and sighed.

"Okay. But, do we have to go in right now? I want to lie here with you a little longer. I promise your virtue will be safe from me." Jacob laughed, though his heart felt heavy.

"Sounds perfect." Liz smiled and lay back down, her head resting on his chest. He draped his arm around her shoulder, reveling in the smoothness and warmth of her skin. They lay there in silence for forty-five minutes before Liz's breathing became shallow and steady. With a great reluctance he extracted himself as carefully as he could.

Once he was standing he didn't dare look at her sleeping form. Jacob couldn't afford any last second doubts. He opened the rooftop's door, and walked into the adjoining stairwell. Extracting the phone from his pocket, Jacob made the call a part of him must have known he would eventually have to make. Damn Reddington for being right.

"It's me. I want to make a deal."

Sorry for taking so long to post this! I meant to have it last weekend, but life interfered! Hope you enjoyed it! Also be forewarned: The angst is coming soon!