This is probably the last really bad one for the year. Next time, we have the contest entires, and something for Christmas. I'll try to work in TLSoulDude's fic as well.
Well, this is the one that made me cry. Enjoy.
Review Replies;
Third Kind: I'm glad you liked it, and it's nice to see you over here! Thanks for reading.
Wherever Girl: To be honest, the Danny/Maddie was the only one that really disturbed me. And the porn. And the gratuitous swearing... Anyway, thanks for reviewing!
Clockwork Oracle King: I used Babelfish because I knew it would come out garbled. Thought it would be funnier (no offense to Spain.) Thanks for the review!
unknown20troper: Yeah, I was making it in character to how they'd feel about slash. I'm largely indifferent about it myself (although there is a lot of it). Besides, most of the more disturbing stuff was het (Danny/Maddie...why?), so... Anyway, thanks very much!
Cartooniac55: You and me both. The M-section is most frightening. Thanks!
TweenisodeOrange: Brain bleach would be wonderful about now. XD Thanks for responding!
TLSoulDude: Tell me about it. I do not need to know the size of Danny's 'member', thank you very much. X( Thanks for the response!
Dimentio173: Very true. That ten percent makes it all worth it. :D Thanks a bunch!
Review Ten: 'The Love Potion' – Fear and Loathing in Bikini Bottom
If you've been on my profile lately, you'll have seen the poll asking whether or not I should review 'My Immortal'. Since you're all sadistic, the answer is unanimously 'yes', so I'm gonna be stuck doing that.
However, this is my tenth review, so it should be something even more special then that. With that in mind, we shall return to ye olde days of…well, May, I guess, to review a fic about the character that started us off – Spongebob.
Many of you may remember the Halloween Spectacular, in which I forced Squidward to review 'Insane, Alone'. If you're unfamiliar with it, it was much like the Vietnam War – it was poorly-thought out, there were many offensives, it ended in disaster and we don't like to talk about it. It's probably the most awful Spongebob fic I've ever read…
…until now, of course.
This is a tale about questionable substances, murder, death, a useless legal system, corruption and gratuitous swearing. No, it's not Mafia 2! – this is 'The Love Potion.'
(By the way, I'm only kidding, I love you guys…except you, Billy-Joe. You suck.)
"Well guys," I grinned, "We're on our tenth review! How do you feel?"
Sam, Danny and Tucker shrugged.
"Meh," sighed Sam.
"I'm happy too!" I chuckled, "Now let's get into this."
I clicked open the fic.
Chapter 1: The Creation:
"In the beginning," boomed Sam, "The Earth was without form, and void."
"I didn't know you played Civ," mused Tucker.
"So says the guy who owns the My Little Pony movie," snapped Sam, "Own up, I've seen it on your shelf!"
Tucker shifted away from her, red-faced.
One morning, Sandy Cheeks, the only squirrel in the small city of Bikini Bottom,
"We know," we all said in ustion.
was working on a brand new science project. She had a lot of science beakers and lots of weird colors inside the beakers: blue, white, green, orange and pink.
"Those colours aren't weird," rebutted Danny.
"Forget it, she's on a roll," sighed Sam.
"Another botched batch. Why can't I get this right!" She yelled to no one.
"Sandy was finding out that dope was quite hard to make," added Tucker.
I ogled at him.
"Tucker?" I gasped.
Tucker shrugged.
She sighed and began taking each of the beakers over to the scientific waste bucket. She became sad because she couldn't perfect her new project. Her plan was to make a love potion that would heighten the lovey-dovey feelings deep inside a person.
"What could possibly go wrong?" deadpanned Danny.
"Also, lovey-dovey?" snapped Sam, "This sounds like the kind of thing Paulina would write!"
"That's a bad sign," I nodded.
Over the last week, she has been testing it on herself,
"I'm pretty sure that's highly unethical," I mused.
"Meh, the Wright Brothers did it," shrugged Danny.
"Yes, but that was flight, not emotional manipulation," I replied.
"…speaking of emotional manipulation, you know Sandy's still angry about that chapter," reminded Tucker.
I gulped.
A bluish-white potion made all of her fur become a pink color, for some reason.
"How do you get 'hair dye' out of 'love potion?'" demanded Danny.
The orange made Sandy's tongue orange, the white made Sandy shake uncontrollably and the pink made her babble until she made an antidote for all five.
"All of these are very bad omens," stated Tucker, "Seriously, Sandy, you're smarter then this!"
"The author, on the other hand," mused Sam.
"{Sigh}. All I want is to perfect one, just one, potion that would awaken Spongebob's potential love for me." She sighed.
I sighed.
"Why do I keep getting crappy Spandy fics?" I moaned, "This is disheartening."
Before she could speak anymore, the first door into Sandy's treedom was knocked on. She let whoever was there in, then the second door opened. There stood Spongebob, wearing his helmet with water inside.
"…as opposed to wearing his helmet with treacle inside," added Danny.
"Hey, Sandy. What's up?" He asked.
"Oh, nothin'. Tryin' a new science experiment, but it won't work." Sandy explained.
"Why don't I help?" Spongebob asked.
"Oh, y'all don't have to do that!" Sandy said, clearly becoming flustered.
"Oh, sure. I'll do it." Spongebob began gathering supplies.
"This'll be fun," deadpanned Sam.
A few hours later, the two had lots of potion drippings over the table and onto the ground. There was one beaker left, that had a whitish-pink-bluish liquid inside. She looked over at Spongebob.
"How can it be whitish-pink-bluish?" asked Danny, "Is it rainbow ice-cream or something?"
"Well," imitated Tucker, "We may not have a love potion, but we've made some darn fine ice-cream!"
"One more left." She said.
"Yeah. I hope it is whatever you are experimenting with." Spongebob said, sincerly.
"So…he had no idea what he was making?" exclaimed Danny, "That makes no sense."
"All right, here I go." Sandy took the beaker and put it to her lips.
"Cut to the funeral," sighed Sam.
Sandy blushed and felt her whole mind go mushy, not in a bad way.
"So…it's…good brain-mashing?" I quizzed.
"Meh, she's just trying to describe love," shrugged Sam, "And she's horribly, horribly failing."
She looked over at Spongebob with a lovey-dovey look on her face.
"That line may well be the most unintentional frightening thing I've ever read," mused Tucker.
"H-h-hey Spongebob."
"Hey Arnold!" I cut in.
Spongebob himself began backing up. He had a nervous look on his face.
"He wasn't nervous – he just had a nervous look on his face," added Danny.
Um, Sandy? Are you okay?" Spongebob asked.
"I'm fine. Come here and give me a nice hug and kiss!" Sandy leapt at Spongebob, trying to get him to kiss her.
"Wait…could that be interpreted as Sandy raping Spongebob?" gasped Danny.
"Bad touch! Bad touch!" screamed Tucker.
"That's disgusting!" snapped Sam.
I merely wept for my sanity.
"Sandy! What the heck is wrong with you?" Spongebob yelled.
"I love you! I've always love you! Kiss me now!" Sandy yelled, completely taken over by the love potion.
"Y'know," I mused, "I like Timmy/Tootie, yet this is creeping me out," I mused, "Does that make me a hypocrite?"
"Yep," nodded Sam.
"Oh," I muttered, sadly.
Spongebob didn't waste any time. He was flustered when Sandy said, "I love you", but he hurried the hell out of there.
"So, when a girl says she loves you, you immediately run away," sighed Tucker, "Way to go."
"She was trying to rape him!" snapped Danny.
He shoved his helmet off in a random place
"…and died of suffocation. Story's over, lets go!" grinned Tucker, getting off his seat.
Sam pulled him back.
Spongebob! Come back here! I-I love you!" She cried out.
"How do you know that?" mused Sam, "How do you know it's not the potion talking?"
"Shut up and read," I sighed.
She kicked me in the shins.
By now, Spongebob was halfway home. He got to his pineapple, locked the door and sat in the living room. He had a blush over his cheeks. He couldn't believe that Sandy had said, "I love you" to him. He knows how long he had been waiting for her to say that and that was when he first met her. Spongebob went to bed later that night, his thoughts buzzing around his head.
"He considered getting a rape whistle," I added.
Chapter 2: The New Couple?:
"She does realise that she doesn't need the dots on the end, right?" asked Danny.
The next morning, Spongebob woke up and went to get the mail. He saw a bunch of roses and a card sitting on his doorstep.
"He noticed this because he stepped on the roses, and his foot was bleeding," added Sam.
"Dear Spongebob:
Y'all may not have heard me last night, when I told you I love you. I do, so bad. I have kept these feelings in forever, ever since I met y'all in that field that one day when y'all tried to save me from that clam. I was gonna ask, and I'm not sure if you want to, but i was wondering if y'all wanted to be a couple with me. if so, met me at the treedome at eight for dinner.
"P.S." I added, "Tell Patrick to give back my lawnmower."
"Hey, read that out loud," mused Sam, "Is it just me, or does the flow to that letter sound really bad?"
Spongebob blushed. He smiled the way he usually smiled and leaned against the doorway, sighing. He laid the card and the roses on his square chest. He snapped out of it and walked back inside, shutting his metal door.
"Yes," deadpanned Danny, "Describing the door was totally necessary."
Later that night, Spongebob, dressed fancy in a black tuxedo and one of the red roses, walked to Sandy's treedome. He was still nervous about how she acted yesterday, but he was overjoyed that she loved him back. He had his doubts about how Sandy was gonna act tonight. She had been acting strange ever since she took that strange potion yesterday. Oh well, he had shrugged off.
"…so you're telling me that he doesn't suspect the potion at all?" asked Tucker.
"Forget it, he has to be stupid for the plot to work," sighed Sam.
Spongebob got to the treedome, took a huge swig of water from the sea and placed the now full helmet over his head, and knocked. The door swung open and Spongebob stood in the hallway between the two doors. The water drained, while Spongebob straightened his tux. He knocked on the second door and after a few seconds, it opened. Sandy wore a purple dress and silver jewelery. Her brown fur was brushed back so she looked even more beautiful.
"Just describe everything," sighed Sam, "Leave nothing to our imaginations. I mean, it's only a wall of text."
The two walked over to a table,
"Which one?" asked Tucker, "I had trouble picking from Sandy's hundreds of tables!"
The plates had a sort of casserole on it, and the bowls had a soup in them.
"There were also a drink and a cup," said Sam, expressionlessly.
The look that Sandy was giving Spongebob made him feel lovey-dovey inside.
"Stop using that word!" Sam snapped.
The two ate in silence, occasionally looking up to have a small conversation.
"Do you like…spoons?" I asked.
At the end of the dinner, Sandy asked, out of the blue: "Um, does this mean that you want to become a couple?"
"That's abrupt," mused Danny, "It's like walking into a fancy dinner and calmly telling a guy that you wrecked his car."
There was a short silence.
"…yeah, that wasn't a good day," sighed Danny, "He was not happy."
Spongebob dropped his spoon. He went a beet red.
"Um, m-maybe." He stuttered, looking down at his feet.
"Wait, if y'all want to wait for a while, it'll be fine." Sandy said, losing her smile.
"No! I-I mean, no, I do want to take the next step. I want to be a couple." His face was a deep maroon
"You know, maroon is actually a shade of purple," stated Tucker.
"So…he's been poisoned?" I asked.
"Well, it ends this fic more quickly," shrugged Sam.
"Okay. If that is what you want." Sandy took Spongebob's hands in hers. She smiled, but inside, she was cheering. The love potion had taken over her emotions, and she was struggling to keep steady in case he said no.
"Um, did you wanna kiss or something?" Spongebob asked. He immediatly regretted it. He wished he could take it back.
"Sure, of course I do." Sandy agreed. Her cheering got louder.
The two turned to face one another, and Sandy lifted the helmet from his head. Spongebob took in a deep gulp before the helmet came off. Sandy and Spongebob looked deep into each others eyes, and smiled. They leaned forward and locked lips. There was an intense spark as their lips touched. It went on for what felt like hours. Spongebob gulped the rest of the water so his throat didn't dry up and he had to go to the helmet and get water.
"Caaaaaan you feel the love tonight?" I sung, "As he's facially raaaaaaped…"
"I guess he doesn't…really mind stalkers…" sang Danny
"…and I still wanna huuuuuuuurl!" finished Sam.
Chapter 3: Something's Different About You...
"Oh, now he realises!" snapped Danny.
He didn't realize then, but he was smiling so bright, it scared people as he walked past on the way to work.
"Oh my god!" I gasped, "It's government mind control! It's all part of the Nazi-Communist-Muslim-Atheist-Catholic-Monarchical-Imperialistic-Iranian-Freemason Conspiracy to control the world!"
There was a short silence.
"That made no sense," snapped Tucker, at last, "You fail."
Squidward, however, had noticed the sponge come in, but when he walked past, he hadn't said a word. He was confused. On top of that, he seemed to be smiling a little bit more. Freaky. He decided to see what was up.
"Yeah," deadpanned Danny, "Because he just hates it when Spongebob ignores him."
At closing time, Spongebob's smile had worn down a little bit, but he was still smiling. Squidward was still suspicious, so he followed Spongebob. He was going a totally different way than what he usually takes. Now, Squidward doesn't care about Spongebob, or anyone for that matter, but he was suspicious at Spongebob's sudden increase of happiness.
Spongebob headed towards a dome-shaped house with a tree inside. Squidward had seen this place, and it belonged to someone. He just couldn't remember...
"He'd known he shouldn't have messed with the Memory Charm that day," added Tucker.
He snapped out of it when he saw Spongebob go inside. He wore a helmet over his head, filled with sea water. He walked into the house and then into a second door and met with a squirrel that was wearing a long, purple dress! Squidward got an evil look on his face.
"Heh-heh. Spongebob's got a girlfriend. This is so juicy." Squidward said to himself. He chuckled a couple more times and ran off into the night, ready for tomorrow.
"…what are you, the tabloids?" I demanded.
The next morning, Spongebob wore an equally happy smile from yesterday. But, this time, when he entered into the Krusty Krab, Squidward began laughing at him. Spongebob's smile diminished a little.
"What is it, Squidward? Is there another kissy mark on my forehead?" Spongebob asked, rubbing his forehead.
"No! Ha ha ha ha! Y-You've-" Squidward was laughing so hard at the fact Spongebob had a girlfriend. He thought it was ridiculous because he thought no girl would want him because he was annoying.
"Apparently, Squidward has all the maturity of a six-year-old," sighed Sam, "This is so canon compliant."
Spongebob, however, did not find this funny. He ran into the bathroom and looked for any kind of kissy mark on his forehead. Thankfully, he saw none, but he was stuck wondering: what is Squidward laughing at? Spongebob checked his teeth for any spinach that could have gotten in, and then checked for some food on his face. Nothing.
Spongebob left the bathroom and went into the back. While he was flipping patties, he heard Squidward's laughing all day. It annoyed even Spongebob, who laughs a lot.
At closing time, Spongebob decided to confront Squidward.
"Hey Squidward?" imitated Danny in a high-pitched tone, "Why are you acting so out of character?"
"Move, Spongebrain. I need to go home and pamper myself."
"Ooh! Good one, Biff Squidward!" cheered Tucker, mockingly.
"NO, you are staying here until you tell me why you were laughing at me earlier." Spongebob said.
"Uh, no." Squidward tried to shove his way out, but Spongebob kept his feet planted.
"No."
"Move."
"No."
"Move."
"NO!"
"Is it just me, or is anyone else imagining that last 'no' as huge, dramatic, long drawn out 'Nooooooo?'" I asked.
"It's just you," sighed Sam.
"Move, square-for-brains. I want to go home." Squidward demanded.
"Not until you tell me why you were laughing at me earlier." Spongebob demanded also.
"Ugh, fine. If it'll let me go home sooner. I was suspicious of your little actions yesterday, so I followed you. You went into that squirrels house, I forget her name-"
"Her name is Sandy." Spongebob cut in.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. You went into Sandy's house and then I saw you give her a kiss on the lips. So, I assumed, correctly, that you have a girl-girl-girl-ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Squidward began his laughter again.
"You're a mean one, Mister Squid," I began to sing.
"No," deadpanned Sam.
"Aw, come on!"
"That is not funny! I love Sandy and she loves me! So don't laugh at me!" Spongebob yelled, overpowering anger taking over. He had to defend Sandy!
"It is so funny! You, having a girlfriend!" Squidward laughed.
"Grrrrrrrrrrrr...you...you...you...you...f**king jerk!
The room became so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.
"…what did he say?" whispered Danny.
"I…I…he said…" stuttered Tucker, "…I feel dirty now."
"Worst part is," I shuddered, "I censored that bit myself. In the actual text…"
A single tear fell from my eye. It was all downhill from here.
Leave me alone, you jerk!" Spongebob snapped and stomped out the door. Since Squidward was by the door, he got a face full of door as revenge. He fell back and hit his head on the floor, knocking himself out. It wouldn't be until early the next morning that he would be found, because he hit his head so hard.
When he was found, however, he was taken to the hospital
"OK, all connections to Spongebob canon have just died," snapped Sam, "This is now Crazy Square Guy, got it?"
Warning: Lots of language in this chapter!
I gave an anguished scream.
"Um, hey, Squidward." Spongebob began.
"Get away from me, Spongebob. You almost killed me!" Squidward snarled.
"I deserve that. Here." Spongebob held out some flowers, with a get well card. Squidward rudely ripped it up and dumped it into the garbage can next to him.
"I don't want your flowers, your cards, your apologies, nothing! Understand? You're just lucky that I am not ordering a restraining order on you." Squidward said, crossing his tentacles over his chest.
"All this drama, and they're talking about Squidward getting a booby on a door," sighed Sam.
Spongebob put on a sad face and began walking out. He shut the door behind him and began crying out of shame and pain. He ran all the way to Sandy's treedome. He put on an extra helmet she had and ran in when the time came. He curled up by Sandy and cried while she soothed him.
"I-I-I j-j-j-just w-w-w-w-w-wanted to apologize!" Spongebob heaved sobs.
"It's okay, sweetie. You tried. That stupid bastard doesn't want to hear about it." Sandy assured.
"That 'stupid bastard' is a hospital patient!" snapped Danny.
"Forget it," sighed Sam, "Logic doesn't apply here."
Sandy carried Spongebob bridal/groom style upstairs to her guest room and he fell asleep. Sandy, on the other hand, was bent on revenge. She got dressed and stomped to the hospital.
"…I don't like where this is going," I whimpered, gripping Danny's hand.
Danny growled, and I quickly let go.
Ignoring the nurses yelling at her, Sandy stomped towards Squidward's room when she got the information out of a nurse. She kicked the door open, waking a sleeping Squidward. He gasped.
"Get out of here, Spongebob! I will enforce a restraining order on you, you little square asshole!" Squidward yelled.
"Go on, imagine Squidward saying that," demanded Danny, "It doesn't work, does it?"
"Oh, it's you. Ha ha ha ha ha. You're Spongebob's girlfriend! Why do you want to date him anyway? He's annoying as hell!" Squidward huffed.
"He's...annoying? Oh, is that what you think?" Sandy asked.
"Yeah, he's an annoying little hellraiser." Squidward said, wondering where this was going.
"You...better...shut...the...hell...up...about...my...boyfriend!" Sandy ran at Squidward with a horrible, murderous rage. He began choking violently.
Just then, doctors came in and held Sandy down while she kicked and screamed. Nobody messed with her boyfriend, especially if they made him cry!
"…so she tries to kill Squidward because he made Spongebob cry?" snapped Sam, "What is this, The Godfather Part IV: Under the Sea?"
"I'd pay to see that," grinned Tucker.
The next morning, Spongebob awoke in Sandy's treedome, still wearing the helmet of sea water. He got up and went to use her bathroom. As he waited downstairs, Spongebob thought something was off. Sandy would be up by now, and she should be making a good breakfast for Spongebob. He shrugged and turned on the T.V. Just then, a news report came on that made Spongebob spit out his coffee.
"Oh my gosh!" imitated Danny, "They're raising seanut brittle prices!"
"Last night, there was a report from several nurses that a rampant, madwoman-no-squirrel
"That's the last time we tune into the Racist Channel," mused Sam.
tore through the hospital and burst into a patients room, where she preceded to choke him. She was restrained and taken to the police station. Here is the victim of this attack." The camera went to no one else, but Squidward!
"Yeah, she came in and started yelling. When I tried to defend myself, she began choking me." He said.
"Do you intend to press charges?" The newsfish asked.
"Not right now. Maybe." Squidward shrugged. A surge of anger went through Spongebob.
"Damn you, Squidward. You asshole." He muttered.
"Yeah Squidward," snapped Tucker, "How dare you press charges for attempted murder, how dare you? You are clearly in the wrong!"
Chapter 5: Meanwhile...:
"At this rate, I'd be surprised if it wasn't Vito for Mafia 2 joining in," I muttered.
While all this crap was going on with the asshole squid and the wonderful couple,
"No bias here!" grinned Danny.
a "mastermind" had problems of his own. He had been trying to get a certain formula for years now, trying to steal it so he'll have all the customers, not Mr. Krabs. Yes, it is
"Sylvester Stallone," finished Sam.
"Now that would be awesome," agreed Tucker.
"Damn it! Why can't I think of anything? I've used up all my schemes, plans and even the tiniest little planned out schemes! Don't just sit there, Karen, help me!" Plankton turned to his computer wife.
"What? You want me to help you plan to steal the formula now?" She asked in a monotone.
"Yes, Karen. Now." Plankton said, trying to control his anger.
"I am very angry right now," added Danny, expressionlessly.
Just then, a group of ultra tough guys came into the Chum Bucket.
"Youse guys knows where we can find a villain to help us?" One of the men asked.
"Youse?" I snapped, "Sounds a bit like the stereotype for…aw, come on!"
"Yep," sighed Danny, "They're probably the Mafia."
Chapter 6: The Courthouse:
"Well that was a short chapter," mused Tucker.
"Good!" Danny, Sam and I cheered.
"S-S-Sandy C-Cheeks, please?" Spongebob asked.
"Sure, come follow me." The cop lead Spongebob to her cell. Sandy was growling under her breath. Spongebob caught snippets of her words.
"Stupid...asshole...needs...injury..."
"That's not helping your case," said Sam.
"Um, Sandy?" He asked, approaching her quietly. Her attitude brightened up considerably when she saw him.
"Hey, sweetie! Did you come to bail me out?" She asked.
"Yes, but you have to answer a couple of questions first." Spongebob said.
"Questions? Like?" Sandy looked confused, but she knew where this was heading. She heard the cops T.V showing a broadcast from that asshole squids hospital bedroom.
"Why did you assault Squidward?" Spongebob asked.
"Because, he hurt you. i can't just stand by and let people hurt you." Sandy said.
"That's no excuse. You can't just hurt people when i get hurt. Look, if you don't stop this, I-I-I just might have to break up with you." Spongebob said.
"What? No! You are NOT breaking up with me! Understand?" Sandy screamed, grabbing Spongebob's shirt. He yelped in suprise and pain.
"Hey! Stop it!" Spongebob yelled.
"YOU! ARE! NOT! BREAKING! UP! WITH! ME!" Sandy screamed.
"Let me go! Cops!" Spongebob screamed. The cops pulled Sandy's hands away. Spongebob turned towards the exit and said, turning around, "It's over. J-just, it's over." Spongebob turned to the cop. "Keep her here." And he walked out.
"Don't y'all leave me!" Sandy screamed as he walked away. Spongebob kept going.
"This would be dramatic if it wasn't so over-the-top," mused Sam.
"Now hearing the case of Squidward Q. Tentacles and Sandy Cheeks. From the file I was handed, on the evening of March 6th, Ms. Sandy Cheeks went into the hospital room at approximately 11:15 P.M and began assaulting Mr. Tentacles here. Is this true?" The judge asked.
"Yes, sir. It is correct. She burst in and yelled at me, saying horrible stuff." Squidward said.
"Hold it! He had yelled at my boyfriend-well-ex-boyfriend, and it made me so mad-" Sandy was cut off.
"That will be all, Ms. Cheeks. Any more outbursts and we will be forced to send you to contempt." The judge said. She sat down angrily. "You may procede."
"Thank you. She did come in at about 11:15, while I was getting ready to sleep. She began telling me off for doing something earlier that day. When I refused to comply for something I did not even do, she attacked me by beating me-" He pointed to his bruises on his cheeks, chin, on his mouth and on his tentacles.
"Gasp!" The crowd gasped. Spongebob scowled.
"-and then choking me." Squidward finished dramatically. He pointed to his marks on his neck.
"Wow."
"Geez. What did he do to her that she could have done this?"
"Yeah. Someone should lock her away."
"I agree."
The judge banged his gavel. "Now, would the defense now speak?" He asked.
"Gladly. First of all, this man was accidentally injured while in a confrontation with my former boyfriend. He had been admitted to the hospital and when he refused to accept his apologies, I had to go and tell him to apologize. Unfortunately, he chose to talk smack about him and it made me so mad, I-" Sandy was cut off.
"That will be enough. Jury, I dismiss you to the back to decide her final fate."
"…so, Squidward gets to speak freely for about an age and a half, and the defense gets half a minute," I mused, "That doesn't sound right."
"Good, good. Now, take her away, where she will spend 6 months in prison, then spend 3 months in anger therapy." The judge banged his gavel, making the sentence final. Guards came and took Sandy to prison. She was dragged by Spongebob, and he looked down, ashamed at her. She left the courthouse in the back of a police car, heading for the jail.
A couple of months pass, and
"Whoa, back up!" exclaimed Danny, "You can't randomly skip two months mid scene! You need a line break!"
"Forget it, she's on a roll," sighed Sam.
Spongebob wakes up to see Sandy on his doorstep one morning. He puts on his angry face and puts his hands on his square hips.
"Spongebob." She said.
"Sandy." Spongebob replied, still angry.
"Look, I'm sorry. I was way out of hand a few months ago. The potion was controlling me almost. My desires were for you, Spongebob, and I swear that the potion wore off one morning.
"Oh, how convenient," snapped Sam.
Even with the potion, I was deeply in love with you. The reason I acted so horrible was...was...I couldn't stand the fact that you were being bullied, i guess. if that counts as bullying. But, I had good behavior while I was in there and got freed in two and a half months." Sandy explained.
"Look, potion or no potion, we are still broken up. I'm sorry." Spongebob shut the door and leaned against it, fighting tears. Sandy left, sighing. While she turned to leave, a group of men came from nowhere and grabbed Sandy. They shoved a clothed bag over her head and ran off with her.
"…and she couldn't fight back because…" I asked, "Anyway, the next chapter's pretty dull, it's just Plankton finding out about the potion and resolving to steal it, leading to above kidnapping. That should not be dull, but it is. Anyway, here's where it gets…interesting."
What could have been hours later, two of Plankton's henchmen came back, with their master with them. He was laughing evilly.
"Ha, ha ha! Now that we have you prisoner, we can force you to give us the potion!" He cackled.
"Potion? Oh, that? Why do you want my love potion?" Sandy asked.
"We don't want the whole potion, only what is inside it!" Plankton yelled.
"…and you know what's inside it…how?" asked Sam.
"I dunno, lets just finish this," I sighed.
"Depends. What ingredients did you put in it?" Plankton asked, getting an evil smile on his face.
"Let's see: a purple liquid, some little spices or something, some-ohhh...I get what you're getting at! You are not getting the formula from me!" Sandy yelled.
"Too late. All I needed was to learn was that there was a purple liquid inside. That is the key to getting the plan to work!" Plankton laughed.
"…and you need the purple liquid…why?" asked Tucker.
"You are never going to get the formula from me! I won't let you!" Sandy screeched.
"Oh, really? And who is gonna stop me? That annoying sponge? I know all of your little adventures with him. You were a couple until you went nuts on him, causing him to break up with you. Now, since that assult charge on that equally annoying squid, you have tried to get back with him, but my henchmen saw that you were rejected, and thought that was the perfect opportunity to kidnap you." Plankton explained.
"You son of a b***h..." Sandy spat.
"Plankton," I growled in a gravely voice, "You magnificent bastard, I read your BOOK!"
"Now, now. There's no need for name-calling. Now, tell me where your potion is, or else..." Plankton smirked.
"Or else what? I ain't afraid of you." Sandy said, looking at the tiny protozoa.
"Oh, but you'll be afraid of these guys. Oh, boys?" Plankton siced his henchmen on Sandy. One pulled a switchblade out and one stood on her.
"Eew," shuddered Tucker, "That sounds wrong."
"Shh," Danny hissed, "Don Plankton is talking!"
"Wait, wait. By scaring her, you should just...just...oh! Remove her helmet. She is a land creature." Plankton said.
"What?" Sandy's eyes went wide.
"Yeah, she is, isn't she?" The first henchmen smirked.
"Yeah. Let's do it!" The second reached for her helmet. Sandy was kicking and screaming. She was gonna die!
"Yeah, this is what you think about when you think of Spongebob," nodded Danny, "Murder."
Meanwhile, across town, Spongebob was regretting his actions earlier. He had broken off with Sandy because she was beginning to act psycho. He wished he could redo it all. He laid back, in his bed, and shut his eyes, smiling. Then, he got a tingle. Not a bad one, but one that someone, somewhere nearby, was in trouble.
"His spider-sense was tingling!" added Danny.
While that was going on, Sandy was holding onto her breath as long as she could. She knew it wouldn't last forever, and she was certain she was gonna die unless something was done. She couldn't take it anymore. The stress on her lungs was way too much. She gasped out her answer.
"F-f-f-f-f-f-fiiiiiinnnnne...iiiiitttt isss inn mmmyyy ttttreeehoousse!" She felt her lungs burst with a fire. She needed air soon!
"Good. Where?" Plankton asked. He rested on the second henchmen's shoulder.
"Iiiiiiinnnnnn ttttthhhe uuuunnnndeerground lllllab!" Sandy felt her whole body begin to shut down.
"Good, now come on men. Let's go steal that recipe!" Plankton left, laughing insanely. Sandy was left, without her helmet, dying on the dungeon floor.
"OK, Plankton is evil," Danny admitted, "But he's not that evil!"
"…since when did Sandy have an underground lab?" asked Tucker.
"Meh, it's fanon," I shrugged.
He looked strangely familiar... "Spppponngebob?" She asked, then went into complete blackness.
"That's the end of the story," I grinned as a got up, "Let's go home!"
Danny dragged me back into my seat and pressed the 'next chapter' button.
Sandy woke up in a dark room. She looked around and found that she was breathing regularly again. She sighed a breath of relief and putting her hand down, she saw she could see through it!
"What the-?" Sandy asked herself. She studied herself further. Her whole body seemed to be see-through! When she looked down...down? She was scrambling to wonder where she was. Then it hit her: Plankton had made her suffocate by taking her air away and left her to die, so she did! She was dead! Sandy felt tears of sorrow, anger and depression. Then she noticed that Spongebob was beside her dead body, crying!
"Spongebob..." she whispered. She went closer and heard his conversation.
"Sandy...why...why did they kill her?" He was sobbing real tears!
"Oh, Spongebob..." She whispered again. Sandy was now determined to return to his body and come back to Spongebob. She grunted and threw herself downward. She was trying to force herself back! Then there was a bright light and she opened her eyes.
"Oh! Wow, damn." Sandy panted. She looked around. She was back in her body! "I did it!" She yelled out.
"In the hands of a good author, like Cartooniac or SOLmaster, that could have made me cry," I sighed, "Here, it sounds like…"
"…like an allegory for constipation," snapped Sam.
Danny and Tucker stared at her.
"Oh, come on!" she snapped, "No-one else was gonna say it!"
"Returned to my body! I was dead, and I forced myself back into my body!" Sandy said.
"Really? I'm glad you are okay, Sandy.
"Alright then!" stated Tucker, in an upper-class English accent, "Shall we have at that Plankton blighter, what?"
Meanwhile, Plankton and his henchmen had broken into the treedome, stole some helmets and filled them with water. They were in the underground lab, tearing it up. There was beaker fluid everywhere. Plankton opened a wood cabinet and saw the love potion. He laughed evilly and reached out for it. Just then, the door to the previously shut lab door and Spongebob, wearing a helmet full of water, and Sandy, wearing an air helmet and just in her bikini outfit.
"We all really needed to know that, apparently," nodded Sam, sardonically, "Just so we can all be reminded of that scene in Karate Island. Oh, the nostalgia."
"Bu-but I like Karate Island," I whimpered.
I was ignored.
Oh, I thought you'd be home, and you would be dead." Plankton said, turning around with the beaker in her hand.
"You'd be suprised. Spongebob here saved me just in time." Sandy said, smiling at her boyfriend.
"Damn. Well, no matter. I have to formula to get the Krabby Patty formula! You can't stop me!" Plankton laughed evilly.
"This is the first time we hear about his plan," sighed Danny.
"Yes, we can! Sandy, karate poses!" Spongebob yelled. The two formed a karate stance. Plankton laughed evilly.
"Really? Let's see who becomes the victor here!" Plankton said, handing the beaker to for his henchmen to hold on to. The two teams rushed at one another, determined to stop the other.
"Epic fight time!" I grinned.
It was a couple of hours later, and both groups were exausted.
"…or not," I sighed.
They had bruises and had blood all over them. Plankton had his share of bruises and blood on him, from Spongebob and Sandy stomping on them. Spongebob leapt in the air and kicked the hell out of the henchmen. He fell to the floor, coughing up blood. Plankton took this opportunity to sneak over to the dead henchmen, not the one that was recently killed, and grabbed the potion.
"…Spongebob and Sandy…k-k-killed people?" I gasped.
"I'm afraid so," sighed Danny, solemnly.
I burst into tears.
"Where is Plankton?" Spongebob asked.
"I don't know. Uh-oh." Sandy came to a realization. She ran out of the room, Spongebob in tow, and they ran to the elevator upstairs. By the time they got to the top floor, the treedome, Spongebob and Sandy saw that Plankton was almost out of the treedome. He was laughing giddily.
"Ha ha ha ha! I'm finally gonna get the recipe after I am done with mixing this recipe!" Plankton laughed.
"That line is psychedelic, maaaaan," I breathed.
"Damn you, Plankton! You are gonna give me it!" Spongebob screamed.
"Spongebob, you are not gonna get nowhere talking like that. You have got to FIGHT them!" Sandy rushed at the teeny little sea creature. He was knocked aside from Sandy's foot. He spit out blood and a few teeth.
"Take it easy, squirrel, and rest...forever!" He pulled out a ray gun he had secretly hidden on himself. Sandy dodged out of the way and used her karate gloves to hit Plankton over the head...er...squash him. She kept at it until he screamed for mercy!
"Sandy wins!" boomed Danny, "Squish-tality!"
"Ready to give up, yet?" Sandy asked.
"I-I-I-I got you! Henchmen!" Plankton called on another mysterious henchmen that bound up Sandy in the air and tied Spongebob to her back! They were hauled back to the Chum Bucket.
"That was embarrassingly quick," Sam sighed.
"You'll never get away with this!" Spongebob yelled. He was dangling above a pot of super hot chum that was part of Plankton's menu for a while, but it failed because so many people got sick from it.
"What?" demanded Danny, "What is this, James Bond?"
"No, no, Mr. Squarepants, I expect you to die!" exclaimed Tucker.
"Lame," snapped Sam.
"Oh, I will. Once you two pests are out of the way, I can use the chemical in the potion to finally get the Krabby Patty formula!" Plankton cheered.
"Damn you, Plankton, you stupid little b***h!" Sandy screamed.
"NOT MORE F**KING SWEARING!" I swore.
"Now, while you are being lowered to your doom, I can mix the existing formula with the purple chemical and I'll be on my way to the Krusty Krab." Plankton laughed. Sandy got an idea. She got suggestive.
"Oh...Plankton...you are so cute when you speak science-y. How about this: I join you in this insane conquest for the Krabby Patty recipe." Sandy smiled.
"…this is demeaning," groaned Sam.
"Hush." Sandy whispered. Plankton lowered Sandy down beside the cauldron and cut her free. She sauntered next to Plankton and lifted him up. Plankton laughed evilly and lowered Spongebob down towards the boiling chum.
"Sandy! Help! Stop listening to him!" Spongebob cried out.
"Sorry. I love Plankton now, because he is all science-y." Sandy shrugged.
"Well, then, my squirrel queen, let's go rule Bikini Bottom together." Plankton reached for Sandy's hand, causing Spongebob to scream out in horror.
"!" He thrashed.
The two barely left the room when Sandy pulled out a knife she had hidden in her bikini.
"…Sandy…has…a…knife…in…her…bikini…" I uttered, shocked.
"It's nearly done," sighed Danny, "Hang in there."
"No," I snapped, "It ends now."
I closed the window, and gave a summary of the rest of the fic.
"Long story short, Sandy recommends killing Plankton, but thankfully it doesn't happen and the boys in blue lock him up for life…without trial. There's some more chapters, but I cannot bear to continue."
I sighed, and ruffled my hair.
"Well, guys," I grinned weakly, "We made it past the low point of our career. I think we can agree that there can be nothing, nothing worse then this…"
"…you still have to review 'My Immortal,'" reminded Danny.
"Oh yeah," I growled, "Because my readers are making me do that."
I got off my seat and looked at the camera.
"Well, lads and lasses," I growled, "You who make me crawl through the dirt and mud of Fanfiction! You who have laughed at my misfortune, you who have waited eagerly for my pain! I have one thing to say to you!"
My expression changed from twisted fury to a genuine smile.
"Thank you all for your support," I thanked, sincerely, "It's been a blast, and I could not have done all this without you."
"Yeah, you guys are awesome!" grinned Danny.
"Indeed," I nodded, "So I'd like to thank everyone who's reviewed this fic, and indeed all of my stories. You're the lifeblood behind this machine, and…well, this train's still running strong."
I waved, and walked away, whistling to myself.
"…anyone remember to tell him about the pack of dogs outside?" asked Tucker.
There was the sound of barking, a girlish scream, and then frenzied running.
"Didn't think so."
Final Rating of 'The Love Potion' by cheeze13.
Danny Fenton: 1/10.
Sam Manson: 0/10.
Tucker Foley: 1/10.
E350: 0/10.
Total: 2/40.