What's left in ruins, part 3
X
"Axel?"
Marluxia entered the apartment and closed the door behind him. No one had answered when he rang the doorbell so at first he thought no one was home, but then he had seen that the door wasn't even locked. That was weird because both Axel and his mother knew better than to leave it open in a neighbourhood like this.
But everyone could make mistakes, he supposed. Or Axel was just lying in his bed jacking off. He should still lock the door, though…
He sneaked towards Axel's room, hoping to spook him if he really was so into his jerkoff-session that he hadn't heard him. But it was empty.
Marluxia figured he would just wait for him to come home. They were supposed to hang out tonight anyway, but Axel wasn't expecting him for a couple of hours yet. Maybe he was out buying liquor or something. He sighed.
Lately he had really started wishing Axel would just calm down with his various ways of intoxicating himself. If it had used to be bad, it was totally out of control now. Before it had at least been in the spirit of having a good time, but now Axel's only goal was oblivion. Marluxia didn't think he had seen him sober once since Roxas broke up with him. He could understand that it hurt and that he was trying to block out the pain (because despite how it may have appeared, Axel really had loved that boy), but clearly his method wasn't working. It didn't matter what he was on anymore, it only seemed to work as a catalyst for his bad mood. That, or it knocked him out completely.
Of course Axel's response was to take more, like the stubborn idiot he was. Marluxia had told him that he should stop trying to shut everything out with drugs and let this take its time, allow himself to be sad. He had even told him he would agree to have sex with him whenever he wanted if it would make him feel better, but so far Axel hadn't taken him up on the offer once (which Marluxia wasn't sure if he should be relieved or worried about).
"Fuck you! You're glad he left, aren't you, ASSHOLE??!"
That was what Axel had slurred last time Marluxia had tried to cheer him up, which also pretty much summed up how pleasant his company was nowadays.
Whatever. He would get over it sooner or later, and everything would be as before.
He was just going to take a piss, and then he was going to watch TV until Axel came home. Axel hated watching TV, but that was probably just because he was spoiled with actually having a TV, Marluxia thought as he opened the door to the bathroom and
.
..
...
HOLYFUCKINGSHIT
X
There was an initial image of blood, blood everywhere, and Axel's skinny form floating lifeless in it, but after that Marluxia could only remember what happened in vague, fragmented flashes. All sound had disappeared and his vision had focused on Axel's hand hanging limp over the edge of the tub, and then on a single drop of blood rolling over his knuckles and down along his pinky to finally stop hanging off his fingertip.
Marluxia could never put a name on the feeling that had filled him as he stood there waiting for it to fall. Time had seen to slow and quicken at once, his skin had burned and prickled until he was pushed back, and out of the depths of his mind something reptilian emerged to look out through his eyes.
He couldn't feel anything anymore, except sudden cold, like a bucket of icy water had been poured over his head. The blood drop fell from Axel's fingertip and joined the others of its kind on the floor with a wet splat, and Marluxia's legs moved without him telling them to do so.
He could remember tearing the waistband out of Axel's mother's bathrobe, and for some reason he also remembered how the texture of it felt in his hands. He had cut it in what he inexplicably knew were perfect halves using the knife lying abandoned by the side of the bathtub. Sharp.
He could remember coldly assessing which cut was the deepest and tying off the bloodflow to that arm first. Calling the ambulance without being conscious enough to recall the number.
Medics swarming the bathroom, Axel being hauled off on a stretcher.
Someone patting his back, commending him for having kept his head on his shoulders and acted so sensibly. The situation was serious, but because of him Axel might have a chance to survive, he was told.
He had nodded.
Maybe there had been policemen too, but that reptialian entity had stayed calm when Marluxia would normally have been sweating with paranoid fear.
"We were supposed to hang out later, but I was early. He must have forgotten to lock the door... I found him like this," it had said, even faking a worried tremble to his voice. It had also lied about his real name when they asked for it. The reptile seemed to agree that Marluxia should stay listed as a missing person as far as the authorities were concerned.
The tired-looking policeman had just nodded, probably used to seeing similar scenarios. Just another junkie trying to put an end to his tragic existence.
After that there was nothing until he was alone again, back in his body seated on the toilet while turning over the message Axel had left behind in his hands. It was hard to concentrate, and his mind was filled with odd, useless bits of information. Like how many tiles there were on the wall. That there was a crack on the underside of the wash basin. The shampoo bottle was almost empty.
He hadn't wanted to come along to the hospital, but he didn't know why. Maybe he would never see Axel again, so shouldn't he want to stay close?
'Sorry mom', Axel's letter read, and that was all.
The shaky letters only filled up a small corner of the torn-out note book page they were written on, as if Axel had meant to write more but then changed his mind. Marluxia could see him chewing his pen while staring at the page, imagine him putting it away, deciding that there wasn't really anything more to say anyway, and then reach for the knife.
Sudden rage shot through him, red-hot and almost frightening in its intensity.
That stupid, fucking asshole!!
He could think of a few more things to say. What about 'sorry Marluxia', for starters? Why the hell was there no 'sorry Marluxia'? Was it significant? He closed his hand around the note and slammed his fist into the wall, until the pain calmed him down somewhat.
Why did he even care about the fucking letter? If Axel died on him there would be nothing that mattered anymore. Nothing.
The rage vanished as suddenly as it had appeared, and a tremble started building in his knees and spread through his entire body, until the crumpled note fell out of his hands. His throat was swelling and his vision blurring, and for a moment he thought he was having a panic attack, but he had just forgotten what it felt like to cry. He hadn't done it since he was eight years old, and now he understood why.
It was an awful feeling; his chest hurt, he felt weak and pathetic and he wanted it to stop, but he couldn't even move. All he could do was fold in on himself, resting his forehead on his knees and wait it out.
When there were no tears left he started cleaning out the blood, because he didn't think it was something Axel's mother should have to do.
It never occurred to him that it might not be something he should have to do either.
X
When he was done the bathroom was spotless, but looking down on himself, he wasn't. He was soaking wet and the blood was everywhere on his clothes, and seeing it made him feel strangely lightheaded. Then his eyes fell on the note, still lying scrunched up beside the toilet.
Should he call Axel's mother? Thinking about it, he was almost sure someone from the ambulance crew had said they'd take care of it. He picked the note up and did his best to smooth out the creases, feeling nauseous as he saw his own bloody fingerprints all over it. Fuck.
He took his clothes off, stuffed them in a plastic bag, then scoured Axel's closet for something he could borrow. He was forced to settle with a pair of old sweatpants, because Axel's legs were so damn skinny he couldn't fit into any of his jeans. Sweaters were easier. Pulling one over his head, he noticed a note pad lying opened on the bed and suspected that it was the same Axel had used for his letter.
He took it with him to the kitchen, and then he copied Axel's handwriting to the best of his ability, creating a new suicide note that he put on the kitchen table. The old one went into the trash and with it the last evidence of the blood. It felt a little better if Axel's mother wouldn't have to see any of it.
He texted her a simple "Have you heard?", and wearily picked up when the phone rang moments later.
She was on her way to the hospital, did he know what had happened, was he also coming, how bad was it and –
Lots of other panicked babbling followed, and Marlixia zoned out.
"I can't handle it," he heard himself say. "I'm going over to a friend. I'll call you later."
He ended the call with heroin on his mind. Enough to render him unable to move, to think, until fate had decided whether Axel would live or die. Larxene. Conveniently her boyfriend was a dealer, and a pretty okay guy even though Marluxia hated him sometimes. Right now he wouldn't mind crashing at their place for a couple of nights, though.
He got moving. He suspected he was still in shock and that he had little time before it wore off, and then he didn't know if he would be capable of anything.
"Axel tried to kill himself. Don't know if he'll survive, I'm coming over," he texted Larxene.
She called him a minute later, and after another half an hour he was stuffed into the backseat of her boyfriend's car with her. She held his hand and for once didn't say anything bad about Axel. It would have been nice at any other time, but Marluxia just couldn't focus. He didn't know what he was supposed to think or feel about anything.
"He'll be fine," Larxene assured him, but Marluxia didn't believe her. Those cuts had not been the sissy kind that people survived. Why the hell did Axel always have to go all in on everything he did?
"I don't know what to do if he dies," he said.
"I know," she answered. She was crying a little, and Marluxia held her hand harder.
For the life of him, he couldn't understand why Axel would choose such a messy way to go. It must have hurt and been scary with all that blood spraying everywhere. If he had wanted to kill himself, he would simply have taken an overdose and let people believe that was what it was. That kind of thing happened; it was something you could deal with.
What the hell was he supposed to think about this?
X
"I brought you porn."
Axel stared at the magazine flung into his lap with a face void of any expression. Not a very good sign, Marluxia thought as he seated himself in the chair by the bed. He had hoped that the absolutely ridiculously gay cover would at least provoke a smile, but maybe that was expecting too much when he had avoided coming here for so long.
"Thought you'd like it better than flowers," he added.
Axel grunted.
"You should have brought cigarettes. They won't even let me have a fucking smoke in this place."
Marluxia considered this, noting the sheen of sweat on Axel's upper lip and forehead. Was it abstinence symptoms? He had been hospitalized for nearly a month now; he shouldn't be feeling it so bad that he was sweating. They probably gave him drugs to counter the urge for other drugs anyway.
"I'm sure they're giving you all manner of funny pills to make up for it," he said, but Axel just grimaced.
"I don't give a fuck. I just swallow and let them stick me with their needles. At least they're not strapping me down anymore."
Axel's gaze stayed fixed on the magazine, and a worried crease started forming between Marluxia's eyebrows. At first glance he had been relieved seeing Axel again. He didn't know what he had expected, but he actually looked healthier than before the suicide attempt, with a new kind of lustre to his skin, hair and eyes. Maybe he had even gained some weight.
Must be because they fed him here.
But if he was really feeling better, he wouldn't have been sitting so still. Axel seemed to be born with some kind of inner restlessness, always pacing about, jumping his leg or drumming the beat of some tune playing inside his head.
It was possible he had been medicated into near zombiehood, but Marluxia didn't think so. He seemed too angry, despite the passivity. At least that was something that hadn't changed.
So, depression then. Axel's mother had said that it had been bad. Just that; bad, with a shake of her head and a pour of another glass of wine, looking like she had aged ten years in just a couple of weeks. For a life-long wino, that was saying something.
"Go see him, Marluxia. He always listened to you."
Marluxia swallowed the snort that wanted to come out. Since when? Axel never listened to anyone, and that was his problem.
"I bought a new pack this morning," he said instead, hoping that cigarettes would be an easy way to get through where the porn had obviously failed. "Let's get out and have some air. I saw a balcony just down the hall."
Axel's gaze flickered up to meet his and one of his fingers twitched. Then he shook his head. "Nah… They say it's bad… 'increased risk of infection'. Almost lost a hand already."
What was this? Axel being cautious?
Marluxia couldn't help raising an eyebrow.
"I didn't know people with the habit of taking baths in their own blood cared so much about infections. Isn't it pretty much healed by now, anyway?" It was too harsh, maybe even mean, he knew that. But he was angry. He had tried not to be, but for some reason he couldn't block it out.
Axel's green eyes met his. Unwavering. Accusing.
"I wouldn't have to care," he spat viciously. "If it wasn't for you."
For several moments, Marluxia could do nothing but blink. It wasn't like he had expected being thanked for saving Axel's life, but he hadn't exactly expected him to be mad about it either. Maybe he should have?
He frowned, uncertain of what to do. Most of all, he wanted to slap him. Ask him what the hell he meant; if he really thought he should just have left his best friend to die without doing anything. If he didn't realize what he had almost done to himself. To the people that loved him. His mother. Him.
Didn't they matter? Just because he was a little heartbroken over some dumb kid he already knew it would never work out with anyway? Marluxia could feel his blood pressure rising; panicky, adrenaline-fuelled rage filling him.
It's too soon. He's not himself; you've got to be patient.
But he couldn't handle it, not right now. For once he didn't think he would be able to keep his calm if Axel started shouting at him. Just coming here had been difficult enough.
"You can think whatever you want about me," he told him, careful to keep his voice modulated. "Just have the fucking decency to shut up about it. And don't even think about doing something like that to yourself again!"
He rose without looking at Axel's face, giving the limp hand closest to him a quick squeeze.
"Get better, man. I love you."
Then he left. Halfway down the hall it struck him that he had never told Axel he loved him before. Well, he had, but not sober, so it didn't count. When he thought about it, he had never actually told anyone he loved them before.
He wondered if Axel even cared.
X
When Marluxia visited next week, there was sadness in Axel's eyes. He sat curled up on his bed with his arms wrapped around his knees, fingers plucking restlessly at the bandages about his wrists.
"You think Roxas would visit me if he knew I was here?" he asked, voice thin and longing.
Marluxia shifted his tongue in his mouth, having a very hard time keeping the anger from showing on his face. "Is that why you carved yourself up? So Roxas would feel guilty about breaking up with you?"
At that Axel's head snapped up, something feral glinting in his eyes.
"No," he growled. "You think I'm some fucking moron?! I'd never do anything to hurt Roxy!"
Marluxia scoffed internally, but didn't bother pointing out that there was countless evidence to the contrary. He was better prepared to handle Axel today, now when he knew what to expect. Maybe if he just let him spew enough of his bullshit he would eventually run out of it.
Axel glared at him, probably disappointed with his unresponsiveness.
"If anyone could understand why I did it, it should be you."
Marluxia met his gaze levelly.
"Well, I don't understand it, Axel," he answered calmly. "Because I don't want to kill myself, and I think I've had my fair share of shit handed to me." He shrugged. "I thought we were doing pretty well."
That was his honest opinion, but Axel's upper lip curled in disgust and he shook his head
"Pretty well!" he snarled. "I don't get how you can even say that. Fuck, look at me! Look at you! No education, no job, no future… All we fucking do is get wasted so we can forget what fucking losers we are and all the stupid shit we get ourselves into. Is that a life?!"
Marluxia shrugged again, waiting for the rest.
"It isn't. It's shit," Axel hissed, turning his face away again. "I don't even feel like a person anymore. All I'm good for is being used, and I'm so fucking sick of it! I'm the worst whore in the world; I never remember protection and most of the time I'm so out of it I don't even remember to fucking charge! And it isn't because I like it so much; the guys that would even consider paying to touch me aren't exactly hotties and I hate being on the bottom."
He looked up at Marluxia again with narrowed eyes.
"And you. You're supposed to be straight, but you've never even been with a girl. Instead you let guys fuck you up the ass and get all chummy with Larxene's boyfriend when you've been in love with her forever! How the hell can you stand it?! Don't you care about anything?!?"
"Maybe, unlike you, I choose to care about the good things," Marluxia snapped. He didn't like what Axel was not-so-subtly insinuating; that he was such a loser Axel would have killed himself if he were in his shoes.
Yeah, he kind of liked Larxene, but they were friends which meant she liked him too, which was not bad at all. What the hell was wrong with settling with what you actually had instead of pining for something that would never be??
And maybe he wasn't thrilled about sleeping with men for money, but he was used to it and he was good at it. It generated a more than decent income and he truly didn't mind that much. It was just something you did, like cleaning the floor or washing dishes; not a big deal unless you made it one. Usually it was alright, sometimes even nice, and it wasn't like it took up a lot of your time.
The whole point of it was that you could choose your clients, and Marluxia had his standards. Clean, sober and respectful. He had been less picky when he was younger and didn't have the contacts he had now, and things had admittedly been worse then. Probably much like it was for Axel now.
He was right when he said he was the worst whore in the world. Marluxia wouldn't even call him a prostitute, because that implied some kind of professionalism, which Axel had none. He was more of an opportunist, using his body to get advantages whenever he saw the chance.
"If you hate it so much, you should just stop sleeping around with everyone and get a job," Marluxia told him. "You don't need to be rich to live with me. Lots of people with no education flip burgers and clean graffiti, or whatever."
Axel kept looking away. "Flipping burgers. What the hell is that."
What the hell, indeed. Long hours, small pay and no appreciation.
"What do you want to do then?" he asked, starting to lose his patience. "You're going to have to get money somewhere, but no one would ever let you deal drugs, so what's left? Breaking into cars? Snatching purses from old ladies? Going back to school?"
"I don't KNOW!!" Axel growled at him, looking so furious Marluxia thought he was going to get up and break something. Instead he just suddenly sagged back against his pillows, all the fight gone from him with only despair left in its place.
"I don't know… I'm such a fucking loser. I'm so worthless I couldn't even kill myself… No wonder Roxas left." His voice broke into a string of quiet sobs. "Why didn't you just let me die? I fucking hate myself… It's... I'm so fucking... It's just disgusting."
Marluxia could only watch helplessly, wondering if Axel seriously meant what he was saying or if it was just his post break-up depression talking.
Whatever it was, he hated hearing him give in to this kind of self-loathing, which there in his opinion was no reason for. It didn't matter if Axel was a slut, or if he lacked any kind of skill society deemed useful, or if he was something of a bastard; what mattered was what he himself thought.
Marluxia had figured out a long time ago that life wasn't fair and that some people would always end up with the shorter straw. There wasn't much else to do than just accept it and try to make the best of your situation.
Besides, if you thought about it, life was just as unfair and shitty for all human beings. They were just machines of flesh stranded in a universe that treated them like any other chunk of matter. Crawling the surface of their insignificant planet without any clue to the point of their existence until the day they died and truly became nothing more than matter.
It was comforting in a way; knowing that nothing really mattered, but he didn't know how to communicate this to Axel. And he couldn't think about anything nice to say about Axel to cheer him up either.
He didn't like him because he was nice, damn it!
To him, Axel would always be that small, scrawny rebel looking for trouble in the playground, and that was what he liked. That he didn't fit in. That he didn't care if he fit in. That he was similar, but still so gloriously different from himself.
Marluxia didn't think there was any point in trying to tell Axel that he liked him just the way he was; he would only take it as confirmation that he was indeed worthless and disgusting, because depressed people were always so fucking stupid like that. But what else could he say?
"I like you. And you're only a loser if you think you are one," he stated firmly.
Axel glared tiredly at him. "You're so full of shit. You're a loser when you wake up in the hospital and only your mother comes to visit."
Marluxia rolled his eyes.
"Sorry it took a while. I wasn't sure I could keep myself from punching your teeth out if I'd come here any earlier."
Axel chuckled mirthlessly, wiping his tears.
"Don't apologize, it was a good thing you stayed away. I've been thinking the same thing."
He was serious, Marluxia realized. He was really, seriously pissed off that he had saved his life. As if anyone would just calmly stand by and do nothing while their best friend bled away before their eyes!
"Do you really think I should just have watched you die?" he asked quietly. He tried to sound neutral and not accusing, but there was still an edge to his voice. Apparently that was enough to make Axel's temper flare up again.
"When I had gone through all that trouble; yes, why couldn't you just fucking let me?!! It wasn't just some whim; you know I've been miserable forever. Do you have any idea what it's like thinking it's finally over only to wake up and discover it isn't?! Do you?!!"
Marluxia wanted to ask if Axel knew what it was like finding his best friend in a bathtub full of blood, if he knew how many pills he had to eat to sleep at night, but managed to hold his tongue. Adding fuel to Axel's flames was never a good idea.
Eventually Axel looked away, crossing his arms over his chest while muttering to himself.
"Why do I bother? You never cared about my feelings, anyway. You just want me around so you can think that at least you're not as fucked up as me."
Marluxia frowned.
"Where the hell did you get that idea?"
Axel turned back to him with a snort. "Oh, please. You always lecture me about everything like I'm some fucking idiot, and you strut around wiggling your ass in those pants because you know I look. I think you like it like that. You want me to look up to you and want you, so you can pretend you're not just another loser. It's pathetic."
Axel's eyes bored into his.
"You've always been like that, you know. Keeping me at a distance, like I'm some stupid little brother who should be grateful to be allowed to hang out with someone as cool as you."
Marluxia worked his mouth, unable to get out a reply. What Axel said had an uncomfortable ring of truth, but a truth so twisted and warped it could barely be recognized.
"You think I should be glad you let me touch you," Axel continued mockingly. "Because you're not gay, you just sleep with guys for money, and aren't you the most noble and generous guy in the universe to even consider letting me near you for free? And of course you just want to protect me when you're giving me your lectures. Because I'm two years younger and can't possibly make a decision for myself or comprehend what I'm getting myself into. You get some weird kick out of it, don't you? Bossing me around. That's why you hated that I was with Roxas; because you weren't most important anymore."
Now this was just moronic.
Marluxia stood, balling his hands into fists and glared at Axel.
"You can have as many boyfriends you want, you fucking idiot!! Maybe, Axel, I hated you being with Roxas because I just don't like it when people rape little boys."
He turned and walked out of the room with a slam of the door, without even looking at Axel's expression. He already knew he had been taking it too far again, but if he stayed he might lose control completely. His insides felt like they were torn to pieces and somewhere just outside his consciousness, chaotic thoughts and emotions swirled and raged, building up a storm.
He locked himself in the closest bathroom he could find, fumbling with the little plastic jar of pills he never left home without and swallowed a number of them in quick succession. Sitting down on the toilet, he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep his thoughts in check until the drugs would take effect.
Why did Axel have to be so difficult? Was he really thinking like that??? He couldn't even put words to how that made him feel. When he'd do anything for Axel, and even slept with the bastard!
…You think I should be glad you let me touch you…
Yes, he damn well should! And he could forget about that ever happening again! Fuck!
Marluxia took a deep breath, trying to let it go. He reminded himself that this wasn't real, just the results of Axel's depression. He had never had the ability to let go and change perspective like Marluxia could.
Once, when he was high, Marluxia had tried to explain how he did it, but Axel had just thought he was tripping.
"Dude, you're such a hippie."
…Or maybe he just hadn't taken him seriously. But it was a good philosophy, a good way of thinking. Without it, Marluxia didn't know how he would have kept on to his sanity.
The trick was to think of yourself as a water lily. A lone plant in a dark pond. Maybe it grew in murky waters and dug its roots into foul, slimy muck, but the flower always floated on the still surface, open to the sky. You could get through anything if you just remembered the flower.
Slowly the buzzing in his skull faded to stillness, and Marluxia let out an uneven breath. He would be okay, he always would.
The question was if Axel would.
X
That night Marluxia had the Nightmare for the first time.
He was shivering from cold sweat when he woke up, the covers flung to the side.
At first it had seemed real. He had recognized the patterns the blood made as it ran down the sides of the bathtub and the position of Axel's hand hanging limp over the edge. He had stepped forward, seen his pale face again. Eyes closed, mouth open, bony knees sticking up from the bloody water.
The blood drop falling endlessly to the floor.
It was after that everything started to change; what he had done right turned to wrong in the dream. Axel's hand slowly slipped back into the tub, and red water started leaking into his mouth. He was sinking. Fast, Marluxia realized too late, gripping desperately for his hands only visible as a pale blur under the surface. When he grabbed hold they slid away, slippery from blood and shredded folds of flesh. The bathtub was suddenly bottomless and Axel too deep down.
When Marluxia finally thought of pulling the plug and the water drained away, Axel was lying dead at the bottom, and he looked wrong. Smaller, dried out; like a withered plant or an empty insect husk. All blood had drained from him and it had changed him.
Even though the dream was over now, Marluxia felt no relief as the fading images left him gasping in his bed. The symbolism wasn't lost on him, and he spent the rest of the night staring into the darkness of the ceiling.
Axel might not be dead, but maybe he was still gone.
X
The next time Marluxia visited, they didn't say a word to each other. Axel sat on his bed, sullenly staring into the wall until Marluxia finally left when visiting hours were over.
His head was empty when he walked down the corridor, all emotions dulled down to harmless, easily manageable objects. Smooth rocks on a windswept shore. Maybe he had taken too much medication; maybe it was because of that he hadn't known what to say.
Or maybe there wasn't much point in visiting anymore. Maybe it was time to let go.
He almost felt okay with it.
X
But he didn't let go, and eventually things got better.
If it was the therapy, the medication, or just time working its magic, Marluxia didn't know, and he didn't care. What mattered was that he was beginning to see flashes of the real Axel shining through the anger and depression. He started smoking again, and talking. There were unexpected smiles and sudden jokes, and the mentions of Roxas became few and far between.
Marluxia had never thought he'd actually welcome Axel's attempts to come on to him, but the first time Axel suggested that he'd get under the covers and suck his cock, he was so happy he almost considered doing it. Almost.
After six months Axel was judged to be stable enough to not attempt another suicide, and was sent home. It happened to coincide with New Years Eve, and Marluxia took on some extra clients to afford them some cocaine to celebrate with, figuring that Axel could use a confidence boost. His mouth wouldn't stop grinning as he led Axel towards the car over the clinic's parking lot with an arm wrapped around his shoulders while Axel's mother was holding on to his waist, smiling happily with tears in her eyes, and sober for once (though it was only because Marluxia had been babysitting her all day).
Axel was maybe not beaming along with them, but was at least carefully optimistic.
Later though, when they were all three standing out on Axel's mother's balcony equipped with champagne and party hats, Marluxia knew Axel was happy. He had been hesitant at first, when Marluxia showed him the cocaine, but now he was laughing like a little kid as the fireworks crackled and bloomed over the night sky, painting his face in crazy colours. The scene was beautiful and surreal to Marluxia's eyes, and his own smile was pulled taut over tense jaws.
It was fucking impossible to not be happy. He had never thought much about holidays and the reason they were celebrated, they were more like a convenient excuse to party, but this went straight to his heart and filled him with wonder. It was about new beginnings, he realized. A chance to right wrongs, or change tracks.
He wondered how many people stood looking up to the sky in this exact moment, vowing to change their lives. The thought awed him.
"Can you feel it?" he whispered in Axel's ear. "Everything will be alright."
"I'm alright!" Axel shouted back smiling, giving him a thumbs up. He was probably a little deaf from all the explosions.
Marluxia smiled back, not caring if he hadn't heard. He was pretty sure both Axel and his mother could pick up on his feeling. It was so powerful and all around in the air and he felt so close to them, here on top of the world, where he was king and the fireworks outshone even the stars. They snapped pictures of each other and sang and told Axel they loved him about twice a minute, and everything was perfect; cosmic harmony and blooming water lilies.
"It's midnight!" Axel's mother cheered, now definitely in a deep state of drunkenness. "Kiss the new year in, boys!"
Marluxia grinned, at the moment finding her suggestion an excellent idea, and pulled a not unwilling Axel into his arms and made out with him. Maybe it was a little more thorough than what was appropriate in front of his mother, but she just laughed.
"Now who's going to kiss me?" she slurred.
"You're not making out with my mom!" Axel laughed, keeping Marluxia trapped in his arms when he benevolently moved to give her the same treatment.
They ended up both giving her a kiss on the cheek, and then they went inside. While Axel's mother took care of most of the champagne, Axel and Marluxia kept sneaking into the bathroom at regular intervals to draw lines.
X
"One more," Axel purred in his ear, giving it a small bite.
Axel's mother had long since passed out in her favourite armchair and the boys were lying tangled up in each other on the couch, having decided that they wanted to continue their midnight makeout session. Well, actually Axel had decided – he was giggly and ridiculous like a young teenager drunk for the first time, not to mention horny as hell – but Marluxia wasn't going to complain; not this time. It was such a rush being able to make him happy after months of feeling powerless, and besides, he was more than a little bit horny himself.
It was a long time since it had been any good, and even though Marluxia would never admit it, being with Axel was always good. Maybe he had even missed it.
Axel nibbled his ear a little more insistently.
"Come ooon, just one more!"
"You would so OD on this shit if I wasn't here," Marluxia snorted, secretly enjoying how Axel's breath felt in his ear. "I'm setting the pace here. Isn't it nice to be in control for once? Feel it like it's supposed to be?"
"I've never been more in control in my life!" Axel protested loudly. "I just want to loose it. This is so fucking great…"
"Then you're just right. We'll take more when I say so."
Axel was about to start bitching about it; Marluxia could tell, but he was running this show. And as always, Axel was easy to manipulate through sexual means.
Marluxia could feel his pulse under the skin of his neck, hard and fast, as he ran his tongue over it, hear his breath hitch as he sucked and kissed. And his skin felt nice under Marluxia's fingers, warm and surprisingly smooth where he wasn't hairy. He couldn't quite get enough of it, actually.
"Shit, Marly…" Axel whined and pressed his groin into Marluxia's lower abdomen, his erection straining through his jeans. "At least say you're going to fuck me!"
"Do you want me to?" Marluxia murmured, not at all surprised (was he good at this, or what?), before adding with a teasing bite to Axel's collar bone, "I thought you didn't like being on the bottom."
"Yes, I do," Axel huffed, and then added more softly, "sometimes, when it's with the right person…"
Marluxia raised an eyebrow, turning his head from Axel's neck to look at him. Actually, this was a little unexpected.
"I'm the right person?"
Axel laughed. "Relax! I didn't mean I was in love with you, or anything. It's a trust thing…"
"Oh." Marluxia smiled, seeing what he meant.
Axel smiled back, although it was a smile of an entirely different kind; wickedly crooked with his eyes glittering dark above his tattoos.
"I want you to suck my cock. And then I want you to fuck me… I'm going to be on my back and you on top, and you're going to pin me down and fuck me hard and come inside me."
Marluxia chuckled. "I hear you've got this all planned out…"
Axel pulled away slightly to look at him with a cheeky smile.
"You can handle it, Marly. You're a professional."
"Fuck off! If it's going to be that way, I'm charging…" But he laughed, and pulled Axel down to kiss him. His plan didn't sound unappealing at all, actually…The occasions when Marluxia got to be on top of anyone were rare, to say the least.
Axel returned his kisses with desperate fervour, his hands almost feverishly hot as they slipped in under Marluxia's shirt, tracing patterns of fire over his prickling skin. He was getting hard, and Axel purred deep in his throat when he felt it.
"You want me."
Marluxia supposed he did, and after one more kiss, he held Axel tight and sat up so that he had him in his lap.
"Hold on," he told him and hoisted them both off the couch, smirking at Axel's delighted squeal at being lifted. "We're not doing this in front of your mother."
"No objections to that," Axel chuckled. He wrapped his legs around Marluxia's waist and made out with his neck while he carried him to his bedroom. He was heavier than he looked, but still light enough to be handled easily.
Marluxia laid him down on his bed and climbed on top of him, sinking his body into the mattress. It felt better than it should have done, but maybe it wasn't so strange when he had missed him and worried about him for more than half a year. There was something deeply satisfying about having him in his grip, under his control. He really wanted to fuck him, he realized. Really, really.
"Like this?" he asked somewhat hoarsely.
Axel just nodded and wound his arms around him, urging him to continue with the kissing, which he gladly did. He kissed him harder and snuck his hand under his shirt, then both hands, to feel his skin and to wind his arms around him as he arched his back. He pressed him tighter, almost lifting him, and ground his crotch down between his spread legs. Axel moaned in his mouth and grabbed at his ass, pushing it down so he would do it again, and for a good ten minutes they just lay there rubbing and grinding while covering each other's necks and faces in kisses, breath turning into erratic panting
Marluxia didn't know why he was so turned on. Maybe because Axel's moans felt so good to hear and his eyes were so glazed with raw desire when he looked at him. Maybe it was because of the way he moved under him, struggling not to get free, but to be closer and to have more of him. To be back with him, back with the living.
"I'm going to fucking cum in my pants," Axel groaned between kisses. "It's been so long…"
"No, you're not."
Suddenly coming back to his senses, Marluxia grabbed Axel's skinny hips and pushed him down, creating some space between them. He smirked at the aggravated growl he got in response.
"You're going to cum in my mouth… When I let you. And then you're going to cum again when I fuck you."
Axel stared at him, exhaling heavily.
"I could come from just hearing you talk like that…"
Marluxia winked at him, deciding it was enough with the talking.
He pulled Axel's shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor, and then sat up and got rid of his own, making it a little show for Axel. He knew he liked looking at him. Everyone liked looking at him. It was right there, in that faraway look he had seen in so many men's eyes. When they had that look, his power was absolute.
"Damn, you're so fucking hot…"
And don't I just know it.
His smirk grew wider, and he hooked a finger under the hem of Axel's jeans and trailed it along the yet untouched skin of his underbelly. Smooth.
"I know."
"And so modest, too…" Axel muttered, but abruptly stopped his grumbling as Marluxia bent down to undo his fly with his teeth. Always a popular move, that… and he knew Axel loved this kind of cheesy stuff. The dirtier and sluttier, the better.
Not that he complained. It was convenient, because Marluxia always found it easier when there was a clearly defined role he could slip into. That way it became something like a game, something you could distance yourself from. Watch from the outside.
Not that he wanted the distance now. He wanted closeness and he wanted Axel to want him like the old days. All he could think as he pulled Axel's jeans and underwear down, was how he was going to suck him better than anyone ever had, and after that how he was going to take him and make him repay him for all he had put him through.
Somewhere around here, they got a little crazy with the cocaine, because Azel sneakily stole it out of the pocket of Marluxia's discarded hoodie while he was busy undressing him.
"Come on, just a little more," he coaxed when he was caught redhanded opening the bag, and Marluxia caved. It was time anyway; the peak from the last lines was long gone. Maybe they overdid it a little, because it was fun snorting it off each other's bodies; Axel was ticklish, and it turned into weirdly euphoric wrestling before Marluxia could finally tackle Axel down once more and crush their lips together
Axel strained underneath him, trying to change their positions, but Marluxia kept him down with his hands firmly locked around his wrists and forced his legs further apart with his thighs. No way was he going to let him change his mind about letting him fuck him. He wanted it now, like he had never wanted it before, and he was sick of being considerate.
His cock was throbbing between his legs, and had he not still been wearing his pants, he might have taken Axel right then.
Instead he repositioned to sink his head down between Axel's legs, looking up to smirk at him before he placed the first soft kiss at the inside of his thigh. Teasing Axel was after all something he really enjoyed.
"Marly," Axel groaned, "just fucking – mmh!"
Marluxia shut him up pushing two fingers into his mouth, and shuddered from unexpected pleasure as his tongue wound around them. He moaned slightly, trailing his kisses higher until Axel's pubic hair tickled his nose. He should shave… there was cocaine stuck in it.
"I'm snorting your pubes," he couldn't help giggle, to which Axel responded with biting his finger. "Ow!"
"Damn it, Marly, don't dick around, I can't ta-gh!"
Marluxia shoved his fingers back in his mouth, smirking at him while he slowly slid them in and out. It was tempting to replace them with his cock, but he figured it would get its due soon enough. He licked his lips slowly, watching Axel's expression turn into one of pure lust and felt his breath hot and heavy over his fingers. Much better.
"You don't know when to shut up, Axel," he said. "Just let me do my thing."
There was some kind of muffled protest from Axel, which Marluxia ignored in favour of lowering his head between his legs again. He kissed at the base of his cock, licked his way up the shaft, let his tongue swirl around the head. Tasted him. It was a sensation he wasn't used to, as he normally never did anything without condoms (especially not with Axel), but it was safe now; Axel had been cured of anything he had while at the hospital. Marluxia liked it. It felt intimate, the warm, smooth skin in his mouth and against his cheek as he kissed his way back down. Completely different from the rubbery, chemical flavours of condoms.
"You taste good," he murmured and looked up to meet Axel's eyes as he once again licked all the way up to the head and let it slide in between his lips.
Axel exhaled heavily, drool trickling down his cheek. So easy to please. Marluxia chuckled and pulled his fingers put of his mouth, trailing saliva over his body all the way down between his legs. Then he sucked.
Axel moaned and his thighs trembled, his cock suddenly twitching wildly in Marluxia's mouth. Whoa.
Seemed like he'd have to be really careful... He switched to soft swirls of his tongue and let his hand slide deeper down between Axel's legs, until he felt the wrinkled skin of his opening under his fingertips. He circled it, just gently pushing and rubbing at it without entering, and again Axel's cock felt like it was about to explode in his mouth.
"It's so good," Axel whispered breathless. "I forgot how good it is…"
Again, Marluxia wanted to just take him.
"I'll show you good," he told him.
He let one finger slide inside, and Axel gasped, his head falling back against the pillows and his hands coming up to fist Marluxia's hair, trying to force his mouth deeper down.
Maybe it was time to go all out.
Marluxia swallowed his cock deep down his throat, pulling the finger out slowly then pushing back deeper in; harder. Over and over, slow and steay until Axel was reduced to a quivering mess begging for faster and harder.
Marluxia ignored him, pushing his finger back in and keeping it there while he let Axel slide out of his mouth until only the head was left for his tongue to play with. He let his tongue bore slightly into the slit –
"Marly, please..! Ohhh, FUCK!!"
Marluxia stopped what he was doing immediately, almost thinking it was too late, as Axel's whole body tensed and trembled, but then he stilled, falling back against the sheets.
"False alarm," he panted. "Or at least I think so, that was…"
"Sure it was," Marluxia interrupted. "I think it's time for something else. Where's the lube?"
Ignoring his promise to make Axel come twice, he made him stand on all four, and took him from behind, hard and deep. It almost felt strange being the one to hold his hips and push into him, as the roles were usually reversed. His cock looked huge, almost obscene, sliding into Axel's all too skinny ass, and the sight awoke something within him that both turned him on and made vague nausea swirl in his stomach.
But mostly it felt good. So mind-blowingly, amazingly good he wasn't sure he would be able to keep this up for more than a minute. Axel was tight and hot, wet and wide open, and he moaned and begged, and after a while he collapsed onto his belly and just lay there whimpering and writhing. He was beautiful and his muscles moving just under the skin of his back might have been the most erotic thing Marluxia had ever seen.
Did he love him? For real?
He changed position, laying himself flat on top of him, so he could kiss his neck and ear, bury his face in his hair. He put one hand on top of Axel's and felt him grip his fingers tight, heard him try to whisper his name.
"I love you," Marluxia told him experimentally.
Axel never said it back, but he came, hard and sudden with a totally undignified moan, which was even better. Marluxia stilled until he stopped trembling beneath him, just gently rocking his hips against him.
"Holy, fucking pharaoh," Axel groaned when he had regained the ability to speak, and Marluxia couldn't help the laughter bubbling out of him. "I mean, holy son of a – Did you even come yet?!"
"No," he informed him. "Brace yourself."
Axel's eyes widened a fraction as Marluxia pulled out of him and flipped him over, deciding it was time for another change of positions. He wanted to kiss him; it had been so good before. It still was.
He drank Axel's moans and breath, and slid his tongue into his mouth while he continued fucking him; on his back, like he had wanted from the beginning. Why was it so good? Was it the cocaine? Or because he was so glad to have him back?
He felt possessive, and he tried holding off his release as long as he could, wanting to feel Axel's hands over his body, in his hair. His legs wrapping around him. His breath in his mouth. His fucking insides, squeezing and rubbing him so right. So right that it was getting impossible… all this heat, and love or whatever it was, and Axel's hips thrusting up and forcing him back inside him when he tried to calm down. So unbearably hot, pressure building; skin burning and tingling until his hips bucked and spasmed uncontrollably and everything was lost in pleasure and liquid fire. He squeezed his eyes shut, not knowing what kind of noise he was making.
When he opened them again, Axel was watching him with a sly smirk on his face.
"Got you."
He smiled at him, unable and unwilling to hold it back. When had Axel become so beautiful? Hadn't he always been a little on the ugly side? He was fucking hot now, with his hair splayed in a bright red halo around his head, and his darkened eyes looking up at him. The green could almost not be seen, so huge were his pupils.
"Yeah. You got me."
They didn't say much for a while, because things were a little too fucking awesome to put into words. It was much more satisfying to just look into each others eyes, and touch and taste and smell each other. It was like some weird connection, a wormhole being opened into the other's soul, and Marluxia knew that their minds were in perfect harmony, every thought and emotion mirrored there in the depth of Axel's eyes. It was a beautiful thing.
It was definitely the cocaine.
X
Marluxia had a distinct memory of having fallen asleep tightly tangled up in Axel's arms after hours of kissing and cuddling, but sometime during the night they must have broken apart. Judging by the cold and still faint light filtering in from the shutters, it was early morning now, and Axel was lying curled up on his side, back turned against him and snoring lightly. His skin was pale and prickly, showing patterns of blue from the veins underneath.
It felt a little weird looking at him now, remembering what it had been like touching that skin just hours ago. How warm and smooth it had been. Now it was cold and a little bit clammy as Marluxia ran his finger along his spine.
The touch made Axel wake up with a dissatisfied groan, giving Marluxia a sour look over his shoulder.
"What are you doing?"
"Cuddling."
Axel made a face that was probably supposed to be some kind of wry smile, it was hard to tell. "You suck at it. Stop poking and hold me, or something."
How sweet.
Still, Marluxia decided to oblige him and scooted closer, shaping himself after the curve of Axel's body and put his arm around him.
"Better like that?" he murmured into his ear.
Axel grunted something that at least didn't sound entirely unhappy and leaned back on him slightly.
"Tired?"
"Yes."
Marluxia was anything but tired himself. He didn't know what he was. Restless and strangely jittery. Bored. It was probably just a temporary chemical imbalance, but still, it was a really weird mood.
This day felt disturbingly much like any other morning after, when it should have been something else entirely; the day of new beginnings the fireworks had advertised in the skies last night. The day he had wished for all these months; when he would wake up and have Axel home.
"Are you happy?" he asked him, unable to keep quiet any longer.
Axel grunted. "Too fucking sober to be happy." A pause. "And sore. I'm not used to this anymore. Did you have to be so god-damned rough??"
Marluxia couldn't help smiling, and planted a little kiss on Axel's cheek. "Believe me, I did."
Axel turned to look at him, a small wrinkle between his eyebrows, and an expression on his face that was… Marluxia didn't know what it was. "You said you loved me. What was that about?"
Wary. Hopeful? It was a guarded expression, as if Axel feared what the answer was going to be.
Marluxia toyed with lock of hair, watching him carefully. To be honest he wasn't sure what it had been about. It was probably wisest to not make a big deal out of it.
"Caught up in the moment, I guess."
"That's it?"
"I'm still not gay, if that's what you're wondering. Just glad you're home."
Axel rolled his eyes and flipped over on his back. He looked annoyed, but he didn't say anything more.
"What's wrong?"
Axel was silent for a moment, looking up at the ceiling while his jaws clenched.
"You can't fuck me like that and then say you love me when you don't mean it."
Had he wanted him to mean it?
Marluxia studied him, trying to decide the best course of action. Not making a big deal still seemed like the number one option, even though he had kind of meant it, at least when he said it.
"Sorry," he said, doing his best to sound honest. "You know I do love you, though? You're my best friend."
"Yeah, yeah. Likewise, I guess."
"Good." Then he poked Axel's side, smirking slightly. "I fucked you like what, by the way?"
Axel tried to glare at him, but there was no edge to it and his cheeks darkened from a sudden blush. Now, that was a rare thing to see.
"Just shut the fuck up, Marly."
"Like a sex god, perhaps?" Marluxia teased, ignoring him. "Did I make you see the light?"
Axel rolled his eyes again, giving out a reluctant chuckle.
"It was a freaking laser show. Fireworks and stars and the whole shebang." He stabbed a finger into Marluxia's ribs. "So what; you were just faking everything, weren't you?"
Marluxia felt mildly offended.
"I wasn't faking anything," he informed Axel, who eyed him uncertainly in response.
"Are you trying to make me feel better? Lies won't cut it."
"Is it so hard to believe I could actually enjoy sleeping with you? We've done it plenty of times."
"Yeah, but…" Axel fiddled with the comforter, frowning slightly. "It's no secret you're only doing it to be nice to me."
"I don't mind being nice to you once in a while. It's not like I suffer, or anything."
"I know. You just don't care."
The weird expression was back, and Marluxia didn't know what to do about it.
"What's with you? You liked it, I liked it; what's the problem?"
Axel kept his eyes downcast, and was silent for a long time before he answered.
"Nothing, I guess."
"Good."
Marluxia rolled over on his back, feeling that strange restlessness even stronger now. Axel was ruining everything with his weird attitude. But he should have expected it. The good mood yesterday had only been because of the cocaine, and without it Axel was still just a depressed suicide survivor.
He needed to get back into his old routines.
"The guys want to throw you a welcome back party," he told him. "That's something to look forward to… Everyone missed you, even Larxene. You'll practically be bathing in booze and drugs."
Axel groaned.
"That doesn't sound good to you?" Marluxia asked, starting to feel annoyed now.
"Not exactly." Axel turned his head to look him in the eyes. "Yesterday was really awesome and all, but I'm thinking… maybe I should try to stay off the drugs. I mean, I've been clean for so long now, and I'm feeling better, at least a little… I don't want it to go back to how it was before… You get it, right?"
Marluxia nodded. He got it, but he wasn't sure he liked it. Axel calming down was good, but he didn't want him to be too calm. He had had enough of calm. He wanted his best friend, he wanted the partying and craziness, he wanted to fuck like yesterday. He wanted his life back. Everything was just so boring without Axel.
"Take your time," he told him. "But you've been locked up for half a year; there's nothing wrong with living a little."
"Seems like I've got no other choice," Axel grumbled half under his breath and Marluxia glared at him.
"No, you don't."
Axel glared back; more than glared. He looked furious.
"You're such a fucking bitch, Marly!"
"Sue me."
A short stare down followed, which Marluxia won.
"The party is on Friday."
Axel just grunted in response, now refusing to look at him, and Marluxia was tempted to say something about exactly who in this room was being a bitch. But he didn't.
"This isn't just about the drugs, is it?"
Axel said nothing for a long time, and just when Marluxia had decided he was not going to answer and opened his mouth to repeat himself, it came.
"Just look at me!" Axel snarled, sticking his scarred wrists up in the air. "I'm a freak show! Everyone will ask about it and be sympathetic and shit, and I just know I'll snap! Why would anyone want to celebrate that I failed at killing myself?! I don't care if they mean well, it's fucking sick!!!"
Well, this Marluxia figured he could understand, watching the uneven, lumpy tissue crawling red along Axel's forearms. Few things were as annoying as unwanted sympathy and questions about sensitive subjects that people could not even begin to understand anyway. He leaned in and kissed the corner of Axel's mouth.
"How about this; you wear a long-sleeved shirt, I tell everyone you're fine, still an asshole and sympathy is only welcome in the form of blowjobs or beer?"
Axel seemed to consider this, and slowly his grumpy face melted away.
"Blowjobs or beer, huh? Maybe you could give me some sympathy right now."
Marluxia smiled sweetly.
"There's beer in the fridge. Would you like me to get one for you?"
X
Axel had only been home a couple of weeks before he moved into the house with Marluxia permanently, claiming that he couldn't stand watching his mother drink herself to death any longer. Marluxia accepted his explanation with a simple nod, even though he knew it was just part of the truth.
Apparently that had softened Axel somewhat, because he had looked at him for a long moment, and then admitted, "She just won't let it rest."
Marluxia nodded again. He well knew that Axel's mother couldn't quite handle his suicide attempt. She didn't understand why he'd done it, she didn't know if it would happen again, and if she'd had her way she would never have let Axel out of sight again.
Marluxia didn't know how many nights he'd been sitting up drinking with her, trying to explain that Axel had something of a drug problem and that maybe his relationship with Roxas had not been very healthy. It was like the information wouldn't stick.
Axel have always been such a lively child, maybe a little hot-tempered, but mostly optimistic. Always smiling, laughing, joking… He's strong and always believed in himself, how could he..?
It was perfectly understandable that she was worried, but it was probably the last thing Axel needed right now. He didn't want sympathy or worries, or any kind of reaction for that matter, and he absolutely hated talking about what had happened. He had started covering his arms at all times, hiding his scars from himself as much as others, Marluxia suspected, as if he wanted to pretend the suicide attempt had never happened. Any question or even mention of it made him fly off the handle. Actually, pretty much everything made him fly off the handle. Post-suicide Axel was not an easy person to deal with.
The first few months he spent mostly in his room, lying on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. Marluxia had to spend hours nagging to get him to do anything. Except eat candy and smoke pot, which was about all he ever did. It was annoying for both of them, and it wasn't long before they started to argue almost daily. Sure, they'd had their disagreements in the past, but nothing like this. Most of the fights were about money, of all things.
Axel was broke, and since he refused to lift a finger to change this status, Marluxia paid for everything. Not that he really minded; he had no bills after all, but it wasn't so great that Axel hardly spoke to him except when he wanted him to go out and buy something for him. Beer, pizza, candy, cigarettes. It was the attitude that bugged him, that angry challenge he could always see in Axel's eyes.
You wanted me alive. Are you going to complain about it now? Aren't you happy, Marluxia?
It frustrated him to no end. All he had ever wanted was to have his best friend back, but instead he got an ungrateful monster who expected him to take care of it. He thought about kicking him out, but he knew he would never do it. It was still Axel.
Have I become Roxas now? he wondered sometimes. Waiting for someone to change when he should realize it was futile? It hurt thinking like that, and he told himself this was different. It was a test of friendship; Axel needed him now and he would just have to endure. Maybe later he would thank him, and then it would all be worth it.
Listen to yourself, a contemptuous voice would snort in his head then. Who needs who, exactly? You're being used and you know it. You're letting it happen because he's all you've got.
The voice was right, but Marluxia saw no way out of this stale mate. Axel was playing dirty, being the asshole that he was just because he could, and Marluxia's only choices were to let him or lose him.
Unless he started playing dirty too.
X
Ah, there it was.
Marluxia pulled the crowbar out from underneath a couple of boxes in the broom closet and swung it through the air a couple of times to get used to it. It was long time since he'd last done anything like this, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
He walked down the hall to Axel's door, and a moment he stood outside it wondering if he should knock or not, before he realized just how absurd that thought was.
Fuck it.
He swung the door open and entered.
"What the f-!"
CRASH.
Marluxia banged the crowbar into the wall, leaving a good-sized dent in it, and effectively shut Axel up. He met his eyes.
"Get dressed. We're going out."
"What the hell?! I'm not going anywhere!"
Marluxia swung the crowbar down on the stereo, sending buttons and pieces of plastic flying over the room.
"Whoa! What are you doing??! You're fucking insane!"
"Yeah, I am. Get dressed."
Axel stared at him.
"NOW, damn it!!!" Marluxia shouted, smacking the wall again right through Axel's favourite poster which also happened to be close to his head. Then he aimed for his CD collection.
"Alright, alright! Stop!!"
Marluxia turned to look at him. "You've got twenty minutes."
He went back out in the hall and waited by the door until it opened again maybe fifteen minutes later. Axel had not only put some clothes on, he had also combed his hair and put it up in a ponytail; even applied some makeup.
"Much better," Marluxia said and smiled at him. Seemed like he didn't need the crowbar anymore.
"You broke my stereo," Axel muttered.
Marluxia just shrugged. "I might get you a new one."
Axel scowled at him. "How nice of you. Where are we going?"
"To my room. We'll do some E, then we'll go out clubbing and then we can go home and fuck all night if you want."
Axel made an exasperated sound and crossed his arms. Marluxia kissed him.
"You'll like it."
Axel frowned and crossed his arms, then seemed to give up and dropped them to his sides again.
"I know I will…" he sighed. "What the hell is this; some kind of one-man good cop, bad cop thing?"
Marluxia smirked and smacked Axel's butt with the crowbar. "Exactly. I think you'll prefer the good cop."
X
Another win for the unbeatable combination of sex and drugs (and slight threats of violence). And as Marluxia had suspected, once the ball was rolling again there was no stopping it.
At first it was good. They stopped arguing and did things together again. Concerts, clubs, parties. Axel was still a little out of shape and easily lost his temper, so he preferred Marluxia's company over other people, which was fine. Marluxia wanted to be with him.
Maybe they slept together more than usual, and maybe Marluxia had to work harder to provide them both with drugs and living, but he could manage. He remembered what Axel had said about being used in the hospital, and he didn't want him to have to do things like that again if that was how he felt about it.
Strangely he started doing it anyway.
Not actually making any money, of course. Sleeping with that guy because he shared his amphetamine with his lovers. A blowjob for a couple of beers in the pub, a pack of cigarettes. Marluxia just didn't know what to think about it. Well, he knew it pissed him off, because here he was working his ass off just so Axel wouldn't have to do that sort of thing. It made no sense, and for the first time in his life he found himself wondering if Axel wasn't just a stupid, disgusting slut after all. Once he even brought some guy back to the house, and Marluxia was almost about to burst a blood vessel in his anger. If there was one sacred rule of the house, it was to not bring strangers there.
They had a big fight about it, and after that it seemed like another ball had started rolling. The arguing was back, and now it was about everything. Whose turn it was to take out the trash, which band was better, who took the last cigarette, whose hair looked more stupid.
"You're like an old, married couple," their friends would comment, while chuckling and rolling their eyes.
On the surface it probably didn't seem that serious, but both Marluxia and Axel knew that something between them had changed, and not to the better.
X
"I'm leaving, Marluxia," Axel told him one Wednesday night.
The use of his real name made Marluxia turn. It was always Marly, Marvellous, Mary Jane, Marlene or Marshmallow or whatever stupid nickname Axel felt like pulling out of his ass; never simply Marluxia, not even when he was mad.
Not that he sounded mad. He sounded calm, and he was sitting leaned back on one of the couches in what served as their living room, arms crossed over his chest and his face serious but otherwise expressionless.
"What?"
"I'm going to leave. Somewhere sunny, with beaches, umbrella drinks and hot guys in Speedos… I've had enough of this place."
Marluxia frowned.
"Like a vacation?" he asked, trying to wrap his head around what the strange vibe Axel was giving out meant. It didn't feel outright hostile; more like tense. "Could be a good idea… Can I come too? I think I have a pair of Speedos…" he tried to smile, but Axel's face remained serious.
"It's not a vacation. And you can't come."
Marluxia blinked.
"Why not?"
"Because," Axel said, heat entering his voice, "I'm leaving. Moving out, probably for good. I've had enough; I just can't live like this any longer. Either I change, or I'm going to go and jump off Menelflor Bridge."
"That's not funny."
"Wasn't meant to be." He stood up. "I've already packed my stuff into boxes. Tomorrow Xaldin's coming over to help me lug out the furniture. I'm taking this couch." He patted the armrest, still holding Marluxia's gaze.
"Are you fucking joking?!!"
"No. You'll be living here on your own from tomorrow on."
"What? You're not making any sense. Are you high?"
"No, I'm not high!" Axel stared him right in the eyes, cleary annoyed now. "Pay some fucking attention! I'm leaving. As in moving out. Away. I need to try to start something new, or I'm going to kill myself."
Marluxia couldn't look away. He could hear what Axel was saying, but he couldn't understand it. Away?
"You're… leaving?" He didn't recognize his own voice. Axel just nodded, still not looking away.
"Leaving town?"
Another nod.
"Alone? Tomorrow?!"
"That's what I said."
How could he be so calm saying this? There had to be something wrong, some reason he was doing this that Marluxia couldn't see.
"Wha… Are you coming back?!"
"Maybe in a couple of years. To see mom. I don't know yet."
To see mom.
"What… what about us?"
Axel rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, as if he thought he was making an effort to be patient.
"There's not going to be an 'us', whatever you mean by that. I'm cutting all ties. New phone number, and I'm not going to give it to anyone. I won't tell anyone where I'm going either, so don't bother asking. I'm going to start something new."
"Axel…" Marluxia felt like he had been punched, like his lungs had compressed and wouldn't fill with air, as it started to sink in what all this meant.
"I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is."
"When did you decide this?! Why didn't you say something??"
"Because I knew you'd be a fucking drama queen about it! I've been thinking it all along."
"But why?!!"
"Because I just can't do it! You know I can't! How many times have you told me I'm going to end up dead in the gutter?"
Marluxia stared at him helplessly. "If you just controlled yourself-"
"But I can't control myself!!"
"I could help-"
"NO! You can't, Marly!! Ever heard of the blind leading the blind? I'm sorry, but you're just fucked up. Everyone I know is. You, mom, everyone! I… I just don't need that." His voice faltered slightly, but Marluxia barely noticed. Something had snapped inside him, something essential. He was sure he was going to die.
"Fucked up..?" he breathed.
"Yeah!!! Fucked up! You're like a zombie and the only thing you care about is getting high. God damn it, you must know there is something profoundly, fucking wrong with letting guys fuck you for money after your father raped you half your life! Why don't you just go to your parents' house and punch him in the face?! Beat the fucking shit out of him! I'll fucking do it for you, if you want..! It would be a lot healthier than just letting people use you. Do you think you're going to figure something out, or what?! I just don't fucking get it!!!"
"Clearly you don't!" The air was back in Marluxia's lungs, and his blood rushed through his veins at speeds that couldn't be healthy. He was going to die. "Not a WORD about my father, you unbelievable bastard! Do you think you're any better?! You use me too! I don't know why. You're my best friend, you shouldn't want to, just like my father shouldn't want to, BUT YOU DO!!!"
Axel's mouth had fallen open, and he stared at him like he had never seen him before.
"Is… do you really feel that way? I use you?"
"Don't you?"
"I… I just think you're fucking hot. And you never complained. Wow, this is…"
"Fucked up?" Marluxia filled in. "You think there's something wrong with me, and now you're just going to leave me behind."
He almost started laughing. He had wished Axel would learn to leave his troubles behind, but little had he known that he was considered one of them. Was that funny? Any time now his heart was going to stop beating.
"Damn it, don't say it like that! You saved my fucking life, and now I'm… I just want to try to live it!"
"Without me."
Axel's eyes narrowed. "Is there a choice? You think your life is peachy and that mine would be too if I just changed my attitude. Don't deny it. All you do is trying to change things back to how they were before, but I've got news for you; you don't own me just because you pulled me out of that tub."
They stared at each other. It was just a moment, but Marluxia felt something tremble in his gut and he got the vague feeling that the room was spinning; dissolving. An image flashed in his mind, of him and Axel standing frozen in time, while the rest of the world swirled by them at unfathomable speeds. Wasn't that how it was, the order of the universe? Bodies in motion, spinning. The moon revolving around the Earth, and the Earth around itself and the sun.
Just that much was enough to make you dizzy, but then there were all the other stars and solar systems circling some unknown centre of the galaxy, which in turn orbited some even more unimaginable middle of the universe. All spinning, spinning, spinning; faster than you could blink.
It was horrible to think about. And Axel's eyes were horrible to look at. For the first time it occurred to him how unnatural they looked, too green for his pale skin, just like his hair was too red.
"I should have left you to die."
It was a toneless voice that kind of sounded like his own that said it, and Marluxia almost agreed with it. Maybe he would already be over losing his best friend if… he had just… left him. If Axel had died like in the Nightmare.
Then he would never have had to find out that he had been right all along. That there was nothing about him to like, no secret quality that only Axel's eyes could see, just pretty wrappings over an empty box. Axel had just been slow in figuring out.
Why wasn't he dead yet?
Axel's horrible eyes kept staring at him, while his face morphed into strange, grotesque expressions. Was he seeing things? There were sounds too; whimpering, keening. Sobs..?
"Fuck you, Marly! I wish I never met you."
Axel was gone from his sight, storming off to his room, and the known universe was spinning out of control. Marluxia somehow made it to his own room and ate pills until he couldn't think.
X
When he woke up he still wasn't dead. The spinning had stopped, though, and in its place was calm, spawned from his complete lack of emotions.
He could hear scuffling out in the hall, and when he went out to look, he saw that it came from Xaldin and Axel trying to manoeuvre Axel's bed frame out of his room.
"Are you going to leave today? For good?" His voice didn't even waver, and Axel looked at him a little strangely. His eyes looked normal again.
"No," he answered after a moment. "The stuff's going into storage, and I'm going to live with Demyx for a while. Until I figure out where I'll move."
His tone was harsh, and he was obviously trying to pick a fight, but Marluxia found that he didn't really care and gave an acknowledging nod of his head.
Demyx would be considered normal. Good-natured, without any addictions and self-destructive habits (if you didn't count his absolute obsession with his music as that). Definitely not fucked up.
"Are you going to help with this?" Xaldin grunted, nodding his head at Marluxia and throwing his long, black dreads back over his shoulder.
"I don't think he wants to," Axel answered for him.
He was right. Marluxia was okay with watching, but he didn't want to help Axel move out of his life.
Xaldin grunted again. "Like I want to carry this stuff for you. You should have asked someone more to come, with your good-for-nothing spaghetti arms. Let's get this down the stairs."
They kept on carrying out Axel's possessions for about an hour, loading them into Xaldin's van parked at the backside, and all the while Marluxia said nothing. Not even when Axel jumped into the passenger seat and stared at him through the window could he think of anything to say.
Axel was speechless too (for once), but it wasn't surprising after what they had said to each other yesterday. Xaldin's car window was down, but it still felt like a vast rift was opening between them, and there wasn't much left to do but stare at each other.
"We done here?" Xaldin barked impatiently, and Axel nodded slowly.
"Good. See you around, Marly."
Axel still said nothing. Then they drove off, and Marluxia was on his own.
His and Axel's friendship had started in a ruin, so it was kind of fitting that it had ended as one. Marluxia wondered lazily if that was some kind of truth:
What starts in ruins, must end in ruins.
Maybe it was poetry. Poetic justice.
He spent the rest of the day grooming his plants, not feeling anything in particular except for a strange, empty numbness. It was nice in a way; peaceful, but also a little bit unnerving. His best friend had just walked out of his life after telling him he was fucked up and that he regretted ever meeting him. Surely there should be pain, or tears, or anger or fucking anything. Axel had been the most important thing in his life. But he was calm, going about his business as usual.
Maybe he had finally lost all connection with his feelings. He hoped so. It made him feel strong; confident that he could survive this, floating through the rest of his days embedded in this calm. Maybe he had finally found himself again, after being led astray by false illusions of friendship so long. Hadn't he always suspected that it would end like this? Now he knew, and in knowledge was strength.
He couldn't quite relax though, and he spent the night staring blindly into the ceiling until the early hours of dawn.
Somehow he just knew that if he closed his eyes, the Nightmare would be back.
X
Drama llamas running wild! Took me much longer than I thought getting this one out, sorry about that! Anyway, this was the last part of Marluxia's story, so next chapter you'll finally see what Riku and Axel have been up to… (and I suppose you can all guess who'll also be making an appearance ;-))