The following day Makoto was still trying to get used to the idea that Haruka knew, though it was hard. Her friend's behavior hadn't changed in the slightest, not from their walk home yesterday, nor when she came to pick him up. It was such an ordinary day that Makoto even believed that she had dreamed about being found out, but then her injured hands reminded her.
Still, she was worried that everyone suddenly knew, and every glance she got from other students fueled her paranoia, until Haruka had told her that it was just that. Paranoia.
On their way to the club, Makoto told Haruka that she would tell the others, even though her stomach twisted at the thought. She really didn't feel like it, but the more she waited the worse it would get. Besides, if Haruka was with her she could manage. If anyone of them reacted badly, she had no doubts he would help her.
Haruka went in first to change and opened the door for Makoto when he was done.
"Nagisa and Rei are already in the pool. Just say the word." Haruka said as he went out himself, the sound of the door closing before a splash from the pool was heard. Makoto quickly changed into her swimsuit, not wanting someone to accidentally walk in and repeat yesterday's events.
As she stepped out into the open, she was greeted by Gou who gave her a new training regime for today. It was a fairly easy one, and since the wind blew a little too chilly, she decided that she would tell them all after practice. To gather her thoughts and get things done. Just in case, she told herself.
The time passed surprisingly quickly, probably because Makoto's thoughts where all over the place. She found herself sneaking occasional glances to Rei and Nagisa, who were both concentrated on their own training regime. She wondered if Rei did anything else besides butterfly, though she doubted it.
"Alright everyone, let's wrap it up for today." Gou shouted from the sidelines and Makoto was quick to jump up from the pool, wrapping herself into her towel. Before Gou could walk away to her office, Makoto called after her.
"Wait Kou." the younger immediately stopped and met Makoto's eyes.
"What is it?" she asked with a curious smile, and some of Makoto's nervousness disappeared. Gou would understand, wouldn't she? She always took time to listen to all of them, even when she was obviously exhausted.
"I just wondered when the competition was." Makoto managed to croak out after a short silence. She silently scolded herself for stalling, but she was curious of how much time they had left.
"Oh! That's right, I forgot to tell you all." She shouted to Rei and Nagisa before they could make it to the locker room and they both walked over to where Gou stood. "Okay, just so everyone is clear, the competition with the relay is the third next month, which gives us barely three weeks until then."
"Was there anything else you wondered?" Gou said and looked at all four of them. However, the others would have to wait Makoto decided. It was now or never. She took a deep breath and didn't realize her words came out of her mouth, almost like she was on autopilot.
"No, but there's actually... I want to tell everyone something." she said and waited for their reactions. The three first-years looked at her in concern, no doubt her crazy training schedule was still fresh in all of their minds. They had all gathered in front of her, save for Haruka who stood beside her, giving her his silent support.
"I never intended to let this become such a huge deal, I never intended it to happen in the first place. There's... Something you should know about me. Something I've kept a secret half of my life." she felt nervous and a bit anxious, looking down on the ground so she didn't have to see their reactions.
"The truth is, I wasn't born a boy." a deep breath. She couldn't tell what their reactions were, her pulse pounding loud in her ears and her eyes still looking firmly at the ground. "I came to Iwatobi and everyone thought I was a boy, and it just felt right so I went with it. Now it's been so long and I've never been a girl, I've always been a boy and it feels right." she paused, not knowing how she should continue, realizing that she probably couldn't.
This was how she felt.
The silence was deafening, more so than her heartbeat, and she finally couldn't take it. She lifted her head and her gaze swept over the three first-years. They all looked shocked, but not at all angry. Despite Haruka reacting differently, she had expected the others to be angry.
"Oh, so that's why you never changed at the same time. I just thought you were embarrassed." Something seemed to have clicked in Nagisa's mind. Makoto turned to look at him and the shock had turned into thoughtfulness.
"Well it's good that no one accidentally walked in on you then." Rei then said with a nervous laugh. At that, Makoto automatically looked to Haruka, who met her eyes, and they both looked away quickly.
"Oh, that must have been awkward. Was that why you told us? So it doesn't happen again?" Nagisa asked with a grin on his face. Makoto shook her head slightly and caught sight of Rei's red face. Good that they could all share the awkwardness.
"More like terrifying, but yeah." she let out a huff of air, trying to stifle her relieved laugh. They didn't seem mad at all, just like Haruka said and they didn't question her at all. They accepted her. "And no, it felt wrong to keep something like this from all of you. For longer than I have, anyway. I was afraid of what you would think of me, and I didn't want to leave the club." she blurted out, still not quite believing what was happening.
"We would never think less of you for something like that." Gou was quick to say and the others nodded in agreement. "I think you're brave to tell us, and you don't have to leave the club at all. You're still a boy to us all, that's not going to change unless you want it too." she said with a broad smile.
Makoto couldn't help it, when all the tension in her body disappeared there was nothing left stopping the tears from falling. Relief flooded through her as her worry was drained from her body.
"Makoto, what's wrong?" Haruka was quick to react as he put a hand to her shoulder, and through the blur she could see the others also coming closer. She shook her head.
"It's tears of joy, I promise. I'm just so relieved, that's all." she said through hiccups, unsure of how much of that they actually heard. Suddenly arms from all directions surrounded her and it took her a second to realize she was in the middle of a group-hug.
"Never be afraid to tell us something. We're your friends, we're there for you." it was Gou who said it, but she heard all the others make sounds of approval.
"Well, not that I don't like hugs, but we should all go and get dressed now. It's freezing out here." Nagisa was the first one to break away from the hug and all the others followed.
"I agree." Rei replied and they both walked over to the locker room.
"Maybe you should wait with Gou in the office? I'll tell you when we're done." Haruka said and both Makoto and Gou nodded as he walked away.
"He's right, at least it's warmer than out here." Gou said as she opened the door and let Makoto walk first, closing the door behind them. She gesticulated towards one of the chairs in the room and Makoto sat down, wrapping the towel a little tighter over her shoulders as she wiped her eyes with the edge of it.
They sat there quiet for a while in a comfortable silence. Gou was sitting at the desk, which was more of a cheap table they'd managed to borrow from a classroom. She was scribbling some notes on a sheet of paper, and when Makoto peeked it looked like a training schedule.
"Can I ask you something, Makoto?" Makoto hadn't even realized that Gou had put the pen down and was looking up at her. She didn't really feel like answering any questions, still a bit paranoid that they weren't at all okay with who she was. But this was Gou, and despite everything she trusted Gou, because she had never given a reason not to.
"Ask away." Makoto said with a hesitant smile, telling herself it wouldn't be anything bad.
"Does Rin know? Have you told him?" she asked and Makoto didn't know what to make of it. Did it matter to Gou, or was she just curious? Was she one to tell others? Suddenly Makoto regretted telling them all, because even though they were all her friends, she didn't know if she wanted anyone else to know yet. Just because her friends accepted her didn't mean that all would.
"He already knew, but I didn't tell him. Apparently he had known for years." Gou looked a little surprised at that but nodded anyway. "You know I don't want you to go around telling anyone about me, right?" Makoto added, feeling slightly panicked. What could she do if Gou ignored that and did it anyway? Nothing probably.
"I would never do that to anyone." Gou said and almost looked hurt by just the thought of it. "I promise, Makoto. I was just curious." she paused and Makoto felt bad for being so paranoid.
"This might be a long shot, but since we're already talking about it, do you know why he's been such an ass lately? I haven't seen him since we where at Samezuka, and he won't tell mom anything over the phone." she asked her but Makoto hadn't herself figured out what it was. When he had visited her, he hadn't seemed that angry at all. Just concerned, which was a total difference.
"Do you think it's connected?" Gou pressed on and at first Makoto didn't know how being an ass and concerned at the same time could be connected. "You said he'd known for years, yet no one else did, which means he also kept a secret."
"I don't quite get why that could be a rightful reason to act like an asshole." Makoto answered with a frown, but Gou shook her head.
"I didn't say it gave him the right, but maybe it's the explanation. I mean, you of all people know how heavy a secret can be. And if you know you can't tell anyone no matter what, despite wanting to- I mean, I would get pretty frustrated." Gou finished.
That actually made sense, surprisingly enough. Before Makoto could tell Gou that though, someone knocked on the door and shortly afterwards Haruka peeked in.
"We're all finished now, so you can go shower now." he announced, glancing between them before he left again.
It was getting quite cold, sitting with a cold wet towel wrapped around her shoulders, and Makoto stood up, walking to the door.
"I think you might be right Kou. But we won't know until we ask him ourselves." she said as she turned the knob.
"I think he might show up at the competition, mom mentioned it. If I don't see him until then, would you come with me? He might be willing to talk if you and Haruka are with me." she had apparently thought about this a lot.
"Of course I will." Makoto said, despite the heavy feeling in her stomach. The last thing she wanted was to meet up with Rin again after their last meeting. But she needed too, for Gou's sake, and mostly for her own as well. "That's what friends do." she finished with a strained smile.