As promised, I have not given up on this story. I'm sorry it has been so long since I've updated, but my laptop kicked the bucket. The hard drive was basically fried and I was gone for a month on vacation and couldn't get it fixed until recently. Unfortunately, it was not fixable and my data was not retrievable from said hard drive. So I'm starting from scratch where I left off and I'm using a new laptop. If you've been patiently waiting, I do thank you.

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS: Los Angeles

CHAPTER 13

Deeks didn't need Kensi. Hell, he didn't need anyone, or so he kept trying to convince himself over the course of the last week. He learned at a young age not to rely on anyone. His father had beaten him as a child, while his mother stood back and did nothing to stop it. That aside, she was a loving mother and she took care of him the best she could. That all changed the day he shot his father. It angered her and their relationship had changed drastically on that fateful day, despite the fact that Deeks did what he did to save them both from the shotgun wielding maniac that was his father. After that moment, she was disconnected and withdrawn from him and he had to start looking out for himself. He never really had anyone to rely on at the LAPD either. That was one of the draw backs to undercover work. You were usually on your own for a case and sometimes cases took months to resolve. He had gotten so used to having backup with NCIS, but he should have known better. Everyone either hurt him or left him at some point. At least, that's what Deeks thought.

Eventually, his mother had left him. He was a teenager and she just couldn't take it anymore. She was in and out of depressions and in and out of one bad relationship after another. It was probably better that she left. He had been in a series of relationships himself, but there had only been one girl whom he had been very serious with. He could see a real future with her; the wedding, kids, house with the white picket fence. That all changed when she cheated on him with a coworker of his at the LAPD. Then there was Kensi. Ah, his partner, his ray of hope and sunshine. She had left him to, though now that he had almost a week to really think about the situation, it was probably his own dumb fault that she had left. He had practically pushed her away. Why had he been so stupid?

Deeks rolled onto his back in his bed and winced at the pain. He hadn't had his dressing changed in days. He couldn't do it on his own. "Sure, you don't need Kensi." He thought to himself sarcastically. Oh, how wrong he was.

Getting out of bed, Deeks grabbed some pills from his nightstand. They were the last of his pain pills. He walked to the fridge and pulled out the cartoon of milk to swallow the pills down with. He took a swig and spat it out when he realized that the milk was days past over due. The pills ended up in the sink with the milk. He needed more pills, but he wasn't ready yet to face the world. He was in desperate need of other food and groceries as well, but they would all have to wait.

Instead, Deeks sat himself on the couch and settled on an infomercial for the Sham Wow. There wasn't much on during the day, especially in the mornings, but he hoped it would distract him some from the pain and from his mind that had been running non stop. Memories kept his mind pretty busy that week, memories of everything from the torture to things that happened to him as a child. He hardly slept, not only because of the memories, but the nightmares that plagued him. At least when Kensi had been there, he had slept some.

After a couple of hours of infomercials, he couldn't take the pain anymore. He walked back to his bedroom and changed out of his current outfit, settling on some gray cargo shorts and a tan t-shirt. He figured his other clothes probably had a smell to them by now, considering he had worn them day and night for the last three days. He grabbed his empty pill bottle, his keys, and his phone and headed to his front door.

He opened the door and peaked out into the world. The sun was hidden behind some gray clouds, but a breeze rustled his hair. He could smell the salt of the ocean, a smell that used to calm him. He headed down the stairs and was surprised when he made it past his car without incident. He stopped at the corner of the street and debated going down to the beach. He quickly decided against it and turned away, heading towards a Walgreens a few blocks away from the beach.

Deeks walked in and made his way down the aisles to the pharmacy where he would refill his pills. The pharmacy was busy, so it would be at least a half an hour until they would be ready. He sighed and stepped back outside, trying to think of something to do in the mean time.

He spotted a bar across the street from him. He had been there a few times with Kensi. Without second thought, he headed over there and settled in on a bar stool. He asked the bartender for whatever was on tap and hoarded a bowl of bar peanuts for himself. The bartender had given him a glass of MGD. It wasn't his favorite, but it would do. When he finished that he went for the hard stuff. It started with a shot of whiskey and escalated from there.

Ah, whiskey. It was his father's drink of choice. He didn't drink it often, but today was one day he actually felt like his father's son. Today he felt like the one who wasn't going to amount to anything, the weak one, the pathetic one. Those were all words his father used to use. Deeks was very ashamed of himself in that moment as he thought about those words and as he gulped back the shots. He just wanted to get lost in a drink, to drink himself into oblivion.

Kensi had been worried about Deeks all week. She had called him twice, but didn't get an answer. He had never called back either. She hated that she had just left him to fend for himself, but it was his own fault, or so she kept telling herself. He was the one who had pushed her away with his words.

She finished her fourth donut and slowly made her way back to her desk. She had some paperwork to finish before she could leave for the day. Nell approached her from behind. "Everything ok, Kensi?" She asked.

"What? Yeah." Kensi stammered. Nell had caught her off guard.

"You can't lie to me; you're on your fourth donut in a matter of a half an hour. You only eat like this when you're worried or stressed, so which is it?" Nell pried.

"Well, I…" Kensi trailed off. She pushed some donut crumbs off of her shirt. "I'm just worried about Deeks. I walked out on him and I feel so terrible about it. I feel like I gave up on him, but it's his own damn fault. He's so stubborn and pigheaded sometimes. He just…he frustrates me so much. All I wanted to do was help him. I want my partner back, the annoying, tells too many corny jokes and never shuts up Deeks. I just…"

Sam heard mention of Deeks' name and walked over to the girls. "You talking about Deeks? How is he, have you heard from him?" He asked curiously. He was worried about their liaison officer, though he would never flat out say that.

Kensi gave him a worried glare. "I tried to call him a few times, but he didn't answer. I don't know if he's avoiding me or what's going on. I think I should go and see him, but I don't know if he'll really be all that happy to see me." She paused for a moment and thought about what Deeks had said again. "He said I was his only ray of hope. How can he do that and then push me away? What does that even mean? Ugh, I just wanted to help him."

Nell tried to calm Kensi and reassure her. "I'm sure he didn't mean to push you away. Maybe he did it without realizing it." She said.

"We all want to help him, Kens." Sam added in. "We can't give up on him now. Go and check on him and if he's still being stubborn, Callen and I'll come knock some sense into him."

Ring, ring, ring. Kensi was about to reply, but her phone sounded off in her pocket. Ring, ring, ring. She pulled it out and glanced at the screen. "It's Deeks." She starred for a moment, not sure if she wanted to answer or not.

"You should get that. We'll give you some space." Nell said. She made a gesture to another area of ops and Sam took her queue, following closely behind her.

Kensi slid her finger across the phone, answering it. "Deeks?"

It wasn't Deeks. A man with a deep voice spoke instead. "Is this Fern?"

She had a perplexed look on her face that quickly turned to worry. If someone else was calling from her partner's phone that meant something had to have happened to him. And of course, he would have her listed as Fern on his phone. "Yes, who is this?" She asked.

"This is Dan over at the Money Pit Bar." He replied. "Got this guy here who's wasted and your number was the last to call his phone. I tried to cut him off, but he managed to get a hold of the bottle and when I tried to take it from him, he started yelling about how I wasn't going to hurt him anymore. I'm not even sure if he can walk outta here."

"Ok, I'll be right there." She hung up before Dan could say another word. She had been to the bar a few times with her partner for drinks after work, so she knew right where it was.

After tearing out of ops, leaving her unfinished paperwork for another day, she drove as fast as she could towards the Money Pit. She couldn't even imagine the state that Deeks must have been in. Deeks drank, but it wasn't like him to get wasted.

Kensi parked on the street not too far from the bar. She took a few deep breaths before walking inside to find her partner. He was slouched in a corner booth of the bar with a half empty bottle of vodka in his hand. A man towered over the table holding a phone in one hand and a broom in the other, holding it as if he were going to use it as a weapon.

"Dan?" She questioned.

He turned to her and leaned his broom against the wall next to him. "You must be Fern. He's all yours." He handed over the phone to her. It was Deeks'.

"Thanks." She said, taking the phone. She turned to her partner, who was oblivious to her arrival. "Deeks?"

Deeks raised his head and frowned. "What you do doing heeeere?" He slurred. "Go away!"

"I'm not leaving. We need to get you home." She replied.

"No!" He protested. He took a swig of vodka. "Leave me lone."

"Deeks…" She started to say.

He cut her off abruptly and spoke, this time without slurring any words. "I'm so messed up, Kens. I don't want the people I love to see me like this. You need to leave."

"Wait, what?" She was stunned for a moment. Did the people he love include her? Did Deeks love her? An even better question was whether or not she loved Deeks back.

"Just get outta here." He said.

His words forced her back to reality. "No, I'm not leaving." She replied. She reached towards Deeks, forcefully taking the vodka bottle from him as he was about to take another swig.

He snarled at her angrily. "You already left once."

She felt a pang in her heart. She had already left once and again, she felt terrible about it. He needn't remind her. "I know and that was a mistake. I won't make it again." She tried to assure him. "Whether you like it or not, you're stuck with me." She reached forward to help him up, but he groaned and pushed her away. He tried to stand himself, but swayed. She was there to balance him. She lead him to the door and they were greeted by the night air. It was cool and crisp.

Kensi lead Deeks to her car. He was too tired and drunk to protest at that point. She got him in the passenger seat and settled in her own seat, driving the few blocks to his apartment so she could get him tucked in for the night. She would deal with his drinking and other issues in the morning.

Not sure how quick I'll have the next chapter up, but I am currently working on it. I'm so happy I can write again. Been using an ipad for a while and it's not good for writing. Anyways...please let me know your thoughts on the new chapter. Thanks!