CHAPTER 14

I really wanna start over again

I know you wanna be my salvation

The one that I can always depend on

I'll try to be strong

Believe me I'm trying to move on

It's complicated but understand me

Cause I need time

My heart is numb, has no feeling

So while I'm still healing

Just try and have a little patience

My dearest Calliope,

The only thing in my life I could rely on is change. Because I've learned one or things about change. For starters change is constant and we can't do anything about it. You know how people always start to nag about "Oh it was better before"? Well, at this point in my life I'm really willing to agree with all of them.

But as the time passes right now I have to rely one something else. That changing actually might be a good thing. I've always been such a control freak and I can't seem to let that go but there's something telling me that I should. Let things go, I mean. But not in the way you might think though. It's just that it's always been my way or the high way and I have to admit that that's probably one of my flaws. I tend to see things in black or white and I'm very unwilling to take a closer look at the grey parts in life. I just seem to fail to be sufficient enough with out wanting more. Either I love something's very passionate or I just hate it. In my vocabulary there's only 'super awesome' or 'super bad'. I'm an expert to start with things I don't finish because I get bored and have to find something else that thrills me and give me my daily doze of adrenaline. I'm starting to think that that's another reason why I became a surgeon. You just never get bored at it. Days never start off the same and they never end the same either.

But when I think about the past year I realize that from the day I met you my days have been exactly as I want them to be. Exciting, not at all predictable, fun, passionate, safe, tender, frightening and last but not least they have been learning me so much about my self. Things I didn't know I had in me. For example, I'd never thought that would actually enjoy just lying next to someone in bed and look in to another person's eyes. I didn't think that something as simple and boring as that could give me that sort of comfort it actually did. I've never experienced that before in my life. I mean there are just so many other things you could do when you are in bed with the sexiest person on earth…

All my Love,

A

Callie was becoming impatient as she finished yet another of Arizona's letter. The blonde had managed to get to her and she was willing to admit that. After their talk in the cafeteria last night Callie had realized one much important thing. They were equally responsible. She was in love with Arizona Robbins and clearly Arizona Robbins was in love with her. But it wasn't that easy. Things had always been fast and furious between them. They were both strong and neither one of them was willing to give up when it came to the simple things in life. Cause when it came to the simple things in life they were both very good at making things complicated. Callie had also realized that they didn't know each other in ways that they should be right by now. She had already guessed that Arizona also had realized these things. It was written clearly in every letter she had written. But still, Callie couldn't let go of the fact that Arizona had left her at the airport that night. It was just too much of a betrayal for her just to forgive and forget.

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Arizona was beginning to feel restless. She knew that the letters she had been written down in Africa had a really good effect on their relationship. It was exactly that kind of effect she had wanted it to be. Still she couldn't deny that the knowledge of Mark and Callie together was taking its toll on her. She had been discussing this with Teddy over breakfast this morning right before she had headed back to Teddy's apartment to get some sleep and a nice, warm shower. In Teddy's opinion she had the right to be impatient. Teddy had asked her what she had got from Callie in return of open her self up so much by letting Callie read those letters. When Teddy had put it in that way she had frowned. She wasn't willing give all of her self away if Callie wasn't willing to do the same. She figured that it was time for the screaming, shouting, fighting, throwing things at each other and saying things they both could regret. It was time.

Arizona was feeling so much better after a few hours sleep, some food and a shower. She put some clothes on, fixed her make up and pulled her hair up in a bun and then she headed out to go to see Callie. She hadn't contacted Callie in advance but she knew that the brunette also had the night and tomorrow off from work, just as she had after being on call until this morning. Teddy lived a few blocks away from the hospital and from Callie's so instead of taking a cab Arizona decided to take a walk over to Callie's to cool her self down. She was a little upset about this whole thing and she knew that she was in for a tough match tonight but she held on to the thought that it would feel so much better for them both once they've got all out in the open. At least she hoped so.

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Callie heard a soft knock on her door. She was packing up her stuff in her own apartment again and hadn't had the chance to get some sleep or even a shower since she got out of the hospital this morning. At first she thought about ignoring who ever it was that was knocking but then it came again so she gave up that idea and went to open the door.

"Oh hi", she said with a surprised expression all over her face when she saw who the visitor was.

"Hi", Arizona said softly. "I'm really sorry to come without calling first. But I really think we should talk. Properly. Or not. Well, you know what I mean."

"Can I have a shower first?" Callie asked.

"Uumm…yeah. I guess that'd be okay."

"Thanks", Callie said and smiled. "In the meantime you can pour yourself a glass of wine and think about the things you want to scream and shout about when I'm done. And I will do the same while I'm in the shower. Deal?"

Arizona smiled weakly and nodded her head.

"That sounds…good."

Callie disappeared for about twenty minutes and Arizona did in fact pour herself a glass of wine and she also started to go over what it was she actually wanted to say to Callie. Or scream. Or shout. Or…whatever.

"So…let's do this."

Arizona jumped at Callie's sudden reappearance.

"Great…I mean…yes, let's do this!"

A deep silence engulfed them and neither one of them suddenly knew what to say.

"I've never fought on command before", Callie said cautiously.

"Me neither."

"Sooo…?"

"Sooo…what?"

And then something snapped inside of Arizona Robbins.

"I'm hurt! Yes, you heard me all right. I'm very hurt and angry by the fact that I apparently have been right all along about this thing with Mark! And I'm also hurting because I feel like I give and give here and you don't give me anything in return!"

Callie looked at Arizona and frowned.

"Oooh so, you're hurt? Well, guess what? I've hurting ever since you decided that it was for the best if we BROKE up and you leaving for Africa. I'm hurting by the fact that yet again, it was YOUR decision and your decision only to break us up. So yes, I slept with Mark because I had the right to do it because I was SINGLE. And then I'm also hurt that you think you have the right to just show up at my door one night, forty one days later, thinking that everything would be forgiven and forgotten because YOU had been crying your eyes out in Africa and because YOU suddenly decided that you missed me!

The two women looked very hostile at each other for a second until Arizona started to shout back.

"You didn't want to go damn it! Don't deny that. If you just had been honest with me from the beginning then it wouldn't have happen! But no, you made me feel like an ass just like I was forcing you to move to Africa and to the fact that I refused to feeling guilty about it because you couldn't be completely honest with me!"

Callie felt all anger that she had been carrying around since the event at the airport that night rush over her and she exploded once again.

"I didn't want to go but I wanted to be with YOU and I told you that! But that whole thing was about you, you, you!"

"You never once told me you were proud of me! the blonde's voice was on the verge of breaking now. "Not once! You are my girlfriend for heaven's sake and you never told me once that you were proud of me! That was all I needed to hear at that point. So no, I don't think it was JUST about me because I thought that you were acting very selfish and childish!"

Callie laughed sarcastically and rolled her eyes.

"I loved you! I would've done anything for you but I didn't get the feeling that you would've done the same for me! I was replaced by a bunch of million dollars and a move to Africa!"

"You're wrong. You're wrong", Arizona said in a small voice. "You're completely wrong and deep down you know it."

The blonde started crying. It was a cry of desperation and Callie couldn't stand it. Her heart broke just by seeing Arizona standing with her face buried in her hands and crying her eyes out. She let her guard down and walked up to the blonde to comfort her.

"Shhh", she said trying to soothe Arizona and to get her to stop crying. "It's okay, it's okay."

"It's not okay" Arizona sobbed. "I screwed up and now we're not together and I don't see how that is okay. And you hate me and…"

"Hate you?" Callie interrupted. "How could you even think that? I love you. I love you so damn much that I don't know where to go or do with my self. Every time I see you I just want to kiss you, hold you and BE with you."

Arizona's sobs faded and she looked up in to Callie's eyes.

"Y-You love me?"

"I do."

And there it was. Every thing was fading around them and yet again they were in their own world, the world that only was understandable to them and them only. It seemed like the time stopped and everything was spinning while they stood there holding on to each other, looking in to each other's eyes and just savored the moment of being so close to one another again.

"Do you want to go out on a date with me?" Callie whispered. "Like really soon. Maybe tomorrow?"

Arizona let out a soft giggle and wiped her eyes free from the tears.

"Maybe", she replied.

"Maybe?" Callie teased.

"Yeah, my schedule is kind of insane right now…"

"Oh shut up!", Callie laughed. "That's my line. Or it WAS my line."

Arizona grinned.

"You know it…and you know what the answer is. Yes, I would LOVE to go on a date with you."