"She's a mountaineer of love
She's climbing Mount Fuji
Nothing but a Kenzo kimono on
Carrying a Hello Kitty Uzi"

So Desu Ne, FFS

The Joker was walking back and forth across his cell. It wasn't pacing. He wasn't worried or thinking something over, he just couldn't sit still. Sometimes he would walk around in circles or zig zag back and forth. Maybe he was a little anxious. He hadn't done anything destructive in two weeks. Well not exactly, but breaking the Doc out of the little cocoon she was stuck in didn't really count. Other than that he'd been a model prisoner, actually following all the little rules they had for him. It made his skin crawl. He hoped she appreciated what he was doing for her, how restrained he's been to make what she had to do easier for her. If she didn't he'd just have to teach her a little gratitude when they got out of here. He shook his head in amusement, there'd be no need. By now her obsession would have grown to the point where she was grateful to him for the very air she breathed. That made him laugh.

He hadn't heard her come down the hallway, she wasn't wearing Dr. Harleen Quinzel's clicky clacky shoes. He caught a glimpse of her though before she made it all the way to his door, she was a slinking presence in black and red. She pulled the door open, she must have known he'd be waiting for her tonight. His Harlequin was doing such a good job of opening up her eyes to the world. It would be such a relief to have someone else in his life who could see the things he could. The joke this world had become wasn't as funny with no one to laugh with. He thought Batman would be that someone, that Batman would complete him. He still believed he needed Batman; that the two of them would be locked forever in a battle for the soul of this city but he no longer thought Batman would ever get the joke. Now he thought that even when he got Batman to break his last rule, even when he got him to see this world as it really is, Batman would cry instead of laugh. It didn't matter, he'd still be a lot of fun and Joker would have his Harlequin there to laugh right along with him.

He slowly took in his first look at who his Harlequin had become. Harleen had always been a beautiful woman but it was a perfect sort of beauty that left an empty feeling behind when he looked at her. She was like a doll, all the features flawless but no life in her eyes. It made him want to break her, mar her perfection. Now his Harlequin was just right. She looked powerful and desirable, there was a wildness flickering in her eyes that hadn't been there before. He loved it, he loved her. She'd keel over and die if he told her that, which would actually be a pretty good joke. He might be a sociopath but he still had feelings. Granted murderous rage and a gleeful disdain for humanity were the most common ones but he was capable of others.

He had gone so long without speaking after she entered the room that she was starting to look nervous and was biting her bottom lip. That was troubling, he thought for certain sweet little Harleen would be long gone when his Harlequin came for him. She still stood in the doorway waiting for him to address her. It was time to find out exactly what was going on.

"Hello, Harlequin." He purred. "I was expecting you to come alone tonight but I feel like you may still have a little tagalong with you. I'm feeling a little, uh, disappointed."

"I'm not Harlequin or Harleen. Or I guess I'm both really, we integrated. I felt liked you deserved everything I could give you so I'm here to give you everything I have. Which as of about an hour ago is just me, the rest of it's probably a smoldering pile of ashes. Assuming the fire department has managed to put out the building by now. I'm not sure though, it was a pretty big fire." She started giggling hysterically but then covered her mouth with her little hand in an attempt to stop. That just made her giggle more uncontrollably and he couldn't help but join in with her.

"I wish I could have seen it, baby's first fire." He smacked his lips and shook his head a little. He hadn't even had to tell her to destroy everything she left behind, she'd just known.

"Well let's get out of here and I can give you an instant replay." She winked at him. She was apparently no longer nervous.

"So what do I call you? I assume you chose a new name." He wouldn't have been surprised if she'd ask him to choose one though he would have thought less of her for it.

She dropped the bag and baseball bat she was carrying and took a running leap at him, nearly knocking him over. He didn't have a chance to try to catch her but there she was stuck to him like a burr with her arms wrapped around his neck and her legs around his waist.

"Hiya Puddin'! It's me, your Harley Quinn!" She exclaimed and then pressed her lips fiercely to his. He returned her kiss for a moment and then pulled away.

"I like your name Harley, but don't ever call me Puddin' again." He told her sternly. She looked up at him, her eyes wild with lust, and gave him a dizzy nod. He managed to untangle himself from her limbs, ignoring her despondent look. He understood how she felt, she'd awakened desires in him that he'd almost forgotten he'd ever had but he wasn't consummating their relationship in Arkham. He hated this place, what he wouldn't give for explosives to set off on their way out.

"So, uh, how did you get back here dressed like that, surely one of the guards tried to stop you?" He asked with a casual tone. He knew the answer but he wanted her to say it. He needed to hear it.

"Oh that was easy, I just killed everyone I came across. If I know Arkham's routine there are still four guards hanging out in the staff lounge. I saved them for last, I thought it would be fun if we could kill them together." She smiled up at him shyly. He took it for the romantic gesture she had meant it to be and gave her a quick kiss but ducked away before she could try to escalate things. He looked over at the things she'd dropped in his doorway. The bat was shiny and wet, blood he assumed.

"What's in the bag?"

"I brought your clothes. I managed to steal most of them when I was at the police station last week. I couldn't sneak out your shoes so I brought some others. I got some of your knives too, as many as I could manage. Oh and I brought some grease paint, I was sure you'd want that." She dragged the bag into the cell and started laying everything out on his cot for him. He noticed she had tattooed a Joker card on her arm. She had permanently marked herself as his. He knew every thought Harleen had before she'd had it but his Harlequin was full of surprises.

"Harley, you've really exceeded my expectations." She looked so proud of herself he thought for a minute she might cry. He couldn't help but laugh at her. She looked confused but then laughed too. He loved hearing her laugh. He picked up his shirt and noticed it had an odd smell. He brought it up to his nose, not odd, delicious. The smell of her skin and something fruity, probably her soap or lotion. She'd been sleeping in his shirt. Seeing him smell the shirt, she blushed.

"Mmm, smells like ripe strawberries. I'll have to start sending all my laundry to the GCPD." He said with smirk. Her blush deepened but she had a dreamy little smile on her face.

He started pulling off his Arkham issued patient scrubs and heard Harley gasp at the sight of his naked chest he looked over at her and found she had turned away and gone to pick up her bat. He laughed at her need to distract herself while he was undressed. He decided not to torment her and quickly pulled on his pants and shirt. By the time she turned around he was putting on his grease paint. He looked to see if she had any reaction to his face, this was the first time he looked like himself in her presence. If she'd fallen for him because his face looked the same as her dead husband's she was in for a rude awakening. There was no confusion or fear on her face as she looked at him, just that same love sick gaze. He gave her an exaggerated wink that drew another giggle out of her before he turned around to finish dressing. She picked his Arkham shirt up and used it to wipe the guard's blood off her bat. It was just going to get bloody again but he was happy to see her showing respect for her weapon. She seemed drawn to delivering blunt force trauma in the same way he preferred cutting someone up. Perhaps he'd let the guards choose their method of death or maybe he'd just sit back and watch Harley beat them senseless. He didn't need help getting excited around her but why deny himself such a treat? He started tucking knives into various pockets. She'd only brought a few but it would do for now.

When he was nearly finished dressing he saw that she was watching him and swinging her bat around in little circles while humming a mad little melody to herself. She was as pretty as a picture. He signaled for her to come to him which she did without hesitation. He gestured to the loose tie around his neck and she immediately began tying it for him. It was clear she was delighted to be trusted to do it. He looked down at her and smiled. That's when he noticed a silver chain that ended somewhere down in her cleavage. Now what could be hidden down there? He pulled the chain out until the treasured items were revealed. Jack and Harleen's wedding bands. He looked into her eyes but didn't allow any emotion to show on his face. She looked up at him with fear on her face and bit her lip.

"It was all I kept, I swear! I just couldn't leave them but if you want me to get rid of them I..." Before she could finish he pulled down hard and broke the chain that was around her neck. Holding it up, he looked at the rings again. He pulled them off the chain and grabbed her left hand. He shoved the women's band onto the appropriate finger and then pushed the men's band onto his own ring finger. He didn't say a word, he just left her standing there with her mouth gaping open. He started laughing loudly and turned away from her to pull on his purple leather gloves. He turned back to her and pushed her chin back up to close her mouth. She stepped back a bit and was still looking at him like he'd suddenly grown a second head. Then she shook her head as though trying to clear her mind and pulled some fingerless gloves out of the waistband of her skirt and put them on.

"Well, Mrs. J, are we going to go kill those guards or just stand around here until they die of old age?" He was still chuckling but started emitting high pitched titters when her eyes bugged out a bit at the words Mrs. J. She was so fun to play with, his Harley girl.

She swallowed and then put a big smile on her face. "Let's go have some fun, Puddin'!"

He reached out and grabbed her by the arm to pull her closer. With his face in hers he flicked out his Cupid OTF knife and held it near her mouth.

"Don't call me Puddin' again or I will hurt you, Harley." He growled at her. She smiled up at him and then extended her tongue. He watched as she licked her way up the flat back of the knife. His mind clouded with desire and he let go of her arm.

"Don't threaten me with a good time…" She purred, still maintaining eye contact while she quickly backed away from him. "Puddin'!" She finished and then stuck out her tongue before she ran out the cell door and started cartwheeling down the hall while giggling hysterically.

His mouth curled into a wide grin and his eyes danced with merriment. He started stalking after her adding his maniacal laughter to hers. Together they created a chorus of lunacy that bounced and echoed off the walls. The guards would hear it and be expecting him but they wouldn't be expecting her. No one would be expecting her. And here we go…