Disclaimer: I do not derive financial gain from this work. On that note, Breaking Trinity is Copyright ©2009 and intellectual property of VvDeadRosesvV©2009 . No unauthorized or illegal reproduction of this story is permitted under Federal Copyright Law. Copyright infringement, plagiarism (in whole or part), unauthorized translation, reproduction or otherwise unethical publication without the express written consent of the author.
A/N1: Due to some viewer feedback, I find it important to include the following warning: Please be advised, this fiction is rated M for mature. Breaking Trinity contains graphic language and explicit descriptions of sexual acts including some terms/scenarios that may be offensive to those with sensitive natures. Please adhere to age/state guidelines when viewing any content in this fiction. If you are opposed to strong/inappropriate language with religious overtones it is advised you read no further.
The author is not responsible for your corruption. Read at your own risk.
Thank you,
VvDeadRosesvV
Chapter 13: If you gaze too long into an Abyss…(Full BPOV)
*
BPOV
Phoenix, Arizona----February The day started like any other. Brilliant sunlight was streaming through my bedroom window, warming everything it touched. Renee was up early, helping Phil pack for his big try-out in Jacksonville, Florida. Minor League Baseball scouted him and they apparently liked what they saw. Change was coming. I finished dressing for school and returned to the kitchen. I washed up the dishes from breakfast, trying not to think what would happen if the Team signed Phil for a deal. It would mean relocation. It would mean upheaval. I would be taken away from my friends and my boyfriend and I already hated the prospect. But of course I would leave, if I had to. Last night at dinner, Renee started crying at the realization that her newlywed husband was going to have to leave her for two days. She was so forlorn; I felt my heart heave for her. How could I keep her here, if Phil goes there? Just two days apart and she was a mess. What would happen if it was going to be weeks and months they had to be apart? I heard the hum of a car engine pull up into the driveway. I fought back the sadness and pushed it into my throat. James was here. Like every morning. I bounded into the living room where Phil was standing, clutching my mother, his suitcases at his feet. I knew they were having a car sent to take my step-father to the airport. There was no way my mother was going to be in any state to drive. "I-uh-don't want to interrupt," I said softly and Renee disentangled herself from Phil's wet shoulder. She wiped tears from her eyes. "Bella, you're never interrupting," he smiled. Phil had a kind face with a sadness that was genuine. I could tell because it touched his eyes. "Did you come to wish me luck?" I nodded softly and I could see my mother smile. She liked it when we played family. "Thanks, Bella." He opened his arms and I made my way over. I let him hug me and I returned it with a pat to his back. Renee was so taken with the sight, she hugged us both into her. A triangle of arms and cheeks and her warm tears. "Good luck, Phil," I said gently. I kissed Renee's cheek and slid out of the embrace. "Will you be okay, Mom?" She nodded, wiping her cheek. Her answer never made it as far as her eyes. I knew now, I might as well cancel any plans I might have made through the day with James. It was going to be a very long night. I turned and gathered up my haversack. "Bella," Renee called after me. "Take a light jacket, honey. It's going to rain today." I nodded again but went to the door without the recommended garment. I had been living in Arizona long enough to know that yes, we had two seasons of monsoon weather and we were in the midst of one in early February. But they were break-pattern, sporadic at best. It was going to be too gorgeous of a day to worry about rain. I closed the door behind me and nearly skipped over to that gorgeous yellow and black stripe Chevy Camaro SS waiting for me. The top was down and the music was slowly being lowered as I approached. "Good morning, Sunshine." James tipped his sunglasses down along the bridge of his nose, smiling as I opened the car door. "Hey Mister, looking for a ride?" I wiggled my eyebrows at him and he laughed, leaning over me. "I'm the one that's supposed to say that, Bella. I'm giving you a ride…" His lips brushed mine and every nerve in my body started to fire at once. I leaned back into plush leather seats and slid my hand along his cheek as he kissed me. James always tasted so good. I tossed my books into his backseat, freeing up my lap so he could place his hand right above my knee, like always. When he pulled back, he slid his sunglasses back in place. "Didn't you bring a jacket?" I buckled myself in and gathered up my hair, feeling for the band I usually kept around my wrist for the morning ride. "Let me guess, you're going to tell me it's going to rain too?" I said absently. Shit, no band for my hair. By the time we got to school it was going to be a tangled mess. James placed his hand behind my seat and we rolled back in reverse. My eyes followed his hand to the shifter and there sat a fire-red scrunchie, wound around the black stick. That wasn't mine. "That's not my hair tie, I don't use scrunchies?" I looked to James as we leveled off and he started to shift into 'drive'. "Oh, that's Victoria's--my Chem partner. I gave her a ride home after the library yesterday," he said matter-of-factly. "I'm sure she won't mind if you use it." I shook my head no. My brain was busy searching through yesterday's events to try and remember if James had mentioned anything about meeting her at the library after school. But I was coming up blank. "Are you sure you don't want to run back inside and at least get an umbrella or something?" He asked and his voice was a little off. I shook my head no, again. I still couldn't seem to form words. "Alright, but it's your wet ass. Storm's coming." We pulled off into the bright, sweltering heat of mid-morning. James didn't put his hand on my knee like he always did. Those words he said before started sounding ominous. I repeated them over and over again, trying to decipher it like a foreign tongue.
Storm's coming.
* I was coming back to life as the day progressed, shaking off that feeling of dread from this morning. I was a rational person. I understood that with the high emotions running through the house and practically pouring off of Renee and Phil, the mindset I was starting the day out with was a little off kilter. Who cared if James and Victoria went to a very public library to study for Chemistry? They were partners and mid-terms were coming up. It only made sense, really. And I was sure he had mentioned something about it, but as usual my mind was probably too preoccupied to store up the information. I was studying for mid-terms too. "Bella, you want to get a few quick questions in before class?" Riley smiled, pushing away from his lunch plate. His dark hazel eyes danced with concern. We were both pretty anxious about the Physics quiz coming up next class. "Yeah, I could definitely go for that." I set the piece of apple I was chewing on into the bite of my teeth, holding it there while I withdrew my haversack and set it on my lap. I flipped past the text books I still kept in there and looked for my blue one-subject spiral notebook that I used only for Physics. "Shit, I think I left it in James' car this morning. I swear his backseat swallows everything, including sunlight sometimes," I grumbled. "I'll go get it, if you want to watch my stuff real quick?" "I can come with you if you want, catch a smoke before we get started?" He glanced at his watch at the same time I looked over to the obnoxiously large clock in the cafeteria. We still had a half-hour, what's a few more minutes, right? "Sure, let's go." I gathered my haversack onto my shoulder and Riley stopped me mid-motion. "I'll sling that thing so you can run ahead, I've only got next period books with me." I shrugged and let it fall into his grip. Riley was a nice guy, only a recent friend this past year. He was new to the area, moved from New York City. We hit it off pretty well and we both sucked in Physics. So, we became a constant lunch-date to review what we felt like we would never get a grasp on. We walked out of the cafeteria to the side of the building. When we got through the doors we ran to the curb and he slung my haversack down at his feet. "I'll be right back," I said hastily and made my way across the area where the buses normally parked in at dismissal. I took off at a run for the student parking lot. James's car was easy to spot. All waxed and shiny and practically a beacon under Arizona sunlight. It was damn sweltering outside but at least it was a dry heat, so the sweat that gathered on every inch of available skin was less sticky and clammy than it would have been. I could see clouds moving into blue sky. Storm's coming. I slowed down when I approached the car. I wasn't sure why. The top was up and so were the black-out tinted windows. I guess it made sense to cut the sunlight out of the interior, leather faded fast when exposed to such a constant barrage. I realized then, the car was running. Shimmery waves of heat were sliding off of the front of the car and the engine was purring. Music was blaring from the inside. What the hell? You know that sinking feeling you get in your chest that slowly inks its way into the gut and makes you tremble? I had it now. A thousand butterflies beating their wings into my sternum, making my mouth suddenly go dry. I came around the car to the passenger side. Movement, in the front window that was clear and untouched from the tint that leaked like shadow around the rest of the reflective surface of the car. My hand was shaking when I reached for the door. Prodigy…was blaring over the custom sound system James prided himself on. The bass was pumping hard enough to make the car shake.
I'm a fire starter, twisted fire starter
You're the fire starter, twisted fire starter
I bit my lip. I pulled back the door. A cold blast of air-conditioning and the scent of sex slapped me across the face. I screamed.
I'm the self inflicted, mind detonator - yeah
I'm the one infected, twisted animator
I nearly fell over when I tried to scramble away. The image was burned into my eyes like finger-flames destroying sage-brush on desert sand. Victoria and James were entangled, her body straddled over his with his hands on her hips, pulling her down. He was fucking her, sweaty and still clothed and laying back on the passenger seat.
I'm a fire starter, twisted fire starter
You're the fire starter, twisted fire starter
I felt Riley's arms around me and I collapsed into him. He must have taken off in a sprint through the parking lot when he heard me scream. He was out of breath. "What the fuck?"
"We have to--we have to go--" I think that was what I was saying, everything felt so jumbled. I pressed my eyes into Riley's shirt. I had to make myself blind. I had to get the vision out.
"Bella!" I heard the last voice I ever wanted to hear again. And it was getting closer.
"Take me home--take me home--take me home, Riley please--take me home." I was pulling his shirt into my face. I had to cover myself up. I had to disappear. I had to be really small and really still so no one would ever find me.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, asshole!" Riley shouted, gripping me tight, I think. I was sinking. I was falling. I found the ground.
Riley was still with me, on his knees. He probably didn't have a choice. I couldn't let his shirt go.
"Fuck you, Riley." James was close. "Bella--it's not what you think…Bella look at me!"
"Not what she thinks? That's why your fucking whore has cum running down her God damn leg, its fucking sizzling on the concrete you shithead. And your fucking pants are still undone." Riley actually laughed at James.
James could be threatening. Riley was going to get hurt.
"Take one more fucking step and I swear to Christ, I'll fucking cut you down." Riley sounded fierce. Really, really fierce.
I felt the shirt I was clutching become free in my grasp. I kept my face hidden, sobbing, shaking, rocking and reaching out. I was on the ground. I grabbed Riley's leg. He was standing before me.
"Bella!" James called me again. I laid down on the concrete. I was completely broken. I couldn't breathe.
"Take another step closer, Arizona…and let's see how fast New York fucks you up."
There was shuffling and movement and sneakers dragging over concrete. Hard packing meat sounds. Curses, shouting like a foreign tongue.
Droplets of rain started to splash onto my skin. I felt it like warm tears. Even the Gods were in lament.
I was dizzy. Light was flickering passed my clenched eyes. I was breathing so fast, so heavy it felt like my lungs were about to explode.
I felt blackness. Actually felt it when it reached out to touch me.
Before it all went away, I heard something soft and faint and very far away from me. Like it was on the end of a tunnel and its' echo was trying to find me.
A woman. Victoria.
"I'm so sorry. Oh, my god…I'm so sorry….I didn't mean…for this…."
The Storm was here.
*
I had become Victoria.
Somehow, someway the storm had found me in Forks.
My stomach was churning till I could taste battery acid in my throat. I was still shaking and my defenses were up.
How could he do this?
He was no better than James.
Of all the God-damn bullshit and secrets this elusive guy had to carry around with him, it had to be this. I could have accepted almost anything. But not…infidelity. I was its victim. I was left broken by it.
What drives a man to become a monster and abuse the trust of those around him?
I quirked my brow at my own question. Wait. Did I actually trust Edward Cullen?
It was completely ridiculous that in that singular moment, I realized I did. I had known him a cumulative of two-days. I had sex with him three times. And the first time, I didn't even know his name!
I let him…go down on me, an act I had made his predecessor work for. It was too intimate, too vulnerable. And in so little time, Edward Cullen had already been given that gift.
Did I love him?
No, I was incapable of such a thing. Too broken and questioning and fearful of what something as intense as love could destroy. Once upon a time, I may have believed in fairy-tales, soul-mates and love at first sight.
Edward Cullen was none of those things. He wasn't even love at first-fuck. If something so obscure could ever really exist.
I wondered why…I didn't even know what his favorite color is. Oh, Jesus-Christ, Bella stop it.
Why was I drawn to him? Even now, angry at myself and angry at him, I felt that dull ache in my stomach that longed for him. Craved him, like some injectable drug, some kind of fully customizable heroin.
The sickest thing…was…
…I didn't know if I could refuse him.
I was torn in two.
I still wanted him. Even now. That made me feel like the wretched whore Jessica had once joked around that I was. The things he did to me were incredible. The way he absolutely opened my body and awoke my desire was unnerving.
He could never be mine. I didn't want him. I couldn't want him.
But I knew, somewhere deep in the fortress of defenses I had crafted around me, I still did.
I was the monster. I stared into the abyss and it knew me now. It claimed me as one of its own. And for that, I hated myself. I hated him. I hated James and Victoria and every happy couple that held hands and whispered magic words of love and passion and desire into awaiting ears.
I hated his wild bronze hair and dazzling green eyes. That crooked smile and deep, husky voice. I hated the velvet of his skin and the way he could make me tremble with only a brush of his fingertips.
I hated that I wanted to go to him, right now and demand answers. Demand an apology. Demand he proclaimed that he would choose me over her.
Tanya.
That was her name. Tanya, the probably-beautiful-model-type that belonged with him. She was probably a blonde, just like pretty-pretty Jessica. Of course, even in my mind, Tanya was far superior to some scraggly, mousy brunette with too little fashion sense and lacking the girlie-gene.
I was plain-old-Bella.
She was Tanya: Edward's-girlfriend.
I felt my inner thoughts try to regurgitate every word I thought into a pile on the floor--like bile.
I raged. I wished Riley was here to pick me up off of the floor again and make the bad guy go away. But Riley was still in Arizona. And he still never responded to my email once I had gotten here.
I had no heroes to defend me. I was on my own.
Time was ticking and I could hear Charlie moving around upstairs. I gathered every brick and mortar of my defenses and re-fortified them against the vicious, horrible enemy. They were going to have to withstand green-eyes, bronze hair and a scent…that could make me a willing slave to his every desire.
Edward Cullen already owned me.
I hated him for it.
I leaned over the kitchen sink, left hand braced on the Formica countertop. The right, I kept hanging low at my side, gauze wrapped with cotton underneath to staunch the blood-flow that was inevitable.
I was thankful Charlie had enough foresight to keep a well stocked medicine cabinet. Not only as an Officer but as a father of a very accident prone daughter.
It didn't hurt anymore. Nothing did.
I had enough Ibuprofen in me to drop a horse.
Even then, I was switched off and analytical. I-Goddamn-Robot.
I lifted my right hand to the grey light of the window and studied the first-aid job.
I was a right-y. I used it for everything. And since I was still going to have to drive and take notes in classes today, I knew the tentative scabbing at my knuckles would probably break open again.
In the early hours of this morning, I bit down hard enough to break the skin at my knuckles and squelch my panic-cries. My teeth tore frantic enough to probably require one or two stitches between them.
My middle finger was decently shred to shit, right between the two knuckles where my lower jaw did the most damage. I had walked over broken glass too. Luckily, the penetration was superficial.
I didn't want to have to wake Charlie in the middle of my insanity to take me to the hospital. How would I explain what had happened?
I put extra wrapping in my haversack.
I would have bandaged my neck up to save me the stares at the new, deep bite mark left in my shoulder. The opposite side was healing, but this one was fresh enough to let the world know it was just a little too recent.
I left my hair down. It was already starting to tangle. I didn't have enough care in me to hair spray it in place. Or put a shade of gloss on. Or even pick out decent, weather appropriate clothing.
I was dressed for anguish.
Old white-wash jeans, boots, a worn burgundy green t-shirt with a black-drawn silhouette of Friedrich Nietzsche. The quote that ran the length of my chest, above his wizened head, read "Morality is the Herd Instinct in the Individual."
On the back, one more of his prolific statements. I wore them like a badge of honor, realizing not a single person in Forks High had probably ever heard of Nietzsche. The essence of intellectual-Nihilism and thoughtful rebellion. He matched my mood, custom tailored to the complete mockery and internal death I felt right now.
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
"Morning, Bells. Aren't you going to be late?" I heard Charlie behind me. He moved around to the counter and flipped on the automatic coffee maker I had filled last night.
"Probably," I said softly, letting my hand drop to my side.
"Friedrich Nietzsche, eh? Haven't seen that T-shirt in a while, who's on your shit list?" Charlie knew me. I had to give him that.
"Edward Cullen." His name tasted like poison on my lips. I wanted to rinse my mouth out and spit until the tingling was gone. To think, how beautifully I had screamed and begged and wrapped my mouth and tongue around his name, hours before the world fell down.
"Already? He must work fast," Charlie chuckled. No doubt he was wondering how someone could make my shit-list in less than two days. I probably would be asking the same thing, if the situation didn't hit so close to my heart, so soon.
"You have no idea," I turned. Charlie reached out and took my forearm, stopping me. His eyes were on the bandages.
"Did he do this to you? I don't remember seeing it last night?" Officer Swan-meter, rising. "Is there something I need to know, Bells? That why you were asking all those questions about their family?"
"No, Dad. This morning was a fluke. I broke a glass," I turned to face him, impassive as possible; even while my soul was on fire inside of me. "I dressed it, it's fine." My voice was automated and I struggled to keep it low enough to not perk his concern. My father had great ears for subtlety.
"I should take you to the hospital and get it looked at." The needle on his gage was slowly creeping to half way, shaking like a speedometer. Charlie's voice was getting deeper, gaining more authority.
"I'm already late Dad, it's fine. If it breaks open or if I feel any glass in there, we can go and get it looked at, alright?" I was thankful my hair was guarding my neck and shoulder or he might have put two and two together. Officer Swan was a crafty one.
"I'm working the overnight, but I should still be here when you get home," Charlie nodded and looked to the sink. No evidence of the broken glass that had never been dropped. Even with the questioning in his eyes, I knew he trusted me. I'd never given him a reason not to--that he would be aware of.
"Billy and Jacob are coming this afternoon. Billy wants his kid to look at the truck since you've been running it for a few days," He changed the subject, turning his eyes from the kitchen sink to the the trash can.
"Before you, it just sat in the shed like a lame horse. Try to come right home after school, alright?" Charlie reached for his coffee mug, his brows still knitted in consternation.
I should have broken a damn glass just to be on the safe side. Too late now.
"Fine, Dad." Yeah, like I was really looking forward to visitors. School was going to be difficult enough without worrying about helping Charlie entertain his best friend and Jacob, the son he never had but always wanted.
I couldn't count how many times my Dad had filled in the silence of our weekly phone conversations when I was back in Phoenix--with Jacob. Great kid Bells, all grown up like you now. He and Billy send their love.
I turned and grabbed my keys from the counter, opening the door. I tried to maintain normalcy but my hands were shaking.
If I asked Charlie, he would have probably let me stay home from classes today.
"Oh, and Bells? If you need me call my cell phone. I was thinking about going fishing." Charlie gave me a half worried glance.
"Bye Dad, have fun down at the Rez." I rolled my eyes and closed the door behind me. I thought I heard Charlie mumbling something about 'Carlisle's boy' under his breath.
I let out a heavy breath as I slid into my truck, turning the ignition with a wince of pain and a string of silent curses.
If Edward Cullen knew what was good for him, he would stay the hell out of my way, today.
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A/N2: Brits23 My angel of mercy, my twin spirit. Please check out her work: Please check out her work: Show and Don't Tell http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/4951259/1/ and Show and Don't Tell, Uncle EPOV http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5143570/1/.
Author Recs!!
Tilt by Lambcullen: Behold Sexdeckward! 52 Cards, 52 positions…It's going to be 52 Breathless nights. Lamb has the most intense way with words. Her scenes are so descriptive you just can't look away. Drop some love, Snarlies….and make sure you check out her other incredible works! http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5483997/1/Tilt
A Woman Scorned by Baby Bella 24: I still can't get enough of this fic. Bella discovers her husband Edward and best friend Tanya are having an affair. Instead of losing her cool, she finds salvation…in getting even. The author of this fic is starting to rock my world harder and harder. Show some love! http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5487972/1/
As you may have noticed, this update came a bit early. Due to a post that came off a day early on Twilighted, I could not allow you all to be deprived. So, here is the chapter.
Next update will be for Saturday November 14, 2009.
We have a bunch of lovely new readers joining us. I have yet to hear from most of you!
I reply to all reviews, forgive the delay if it takes me a few days…RL has a way of cutting down my chances to write back as fast as possible!