Author's Note:
Author's Note:
Thanks for the reviews-seriously.
I must've started and re-started this chapter a million times…
Just hoping I did well…your thoughts?
Oh and this chapter has some content that could be considered on the higher range of the 'T' rating…just sayin' as a heads-up…And hopefully I did well on it…'cause I don't really have expertise writing in that area, if ya know what I mean. xD
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Erica had leaped.
Just….whether she had done so onto solid ground was indeed questionable.
She had dealt with DNR orders before, so logically, it shouldn't have been such a big deal when she clenched her hands into fists and waited for the jarring keen of the monitor to solidify into one, constant, sound. But it was. The silence was thick in the room, everyone else mired in the swamp of their own thoughts.
This wasn't how things were supposed to happen. You came to a hospital to get healthy, not to sign a DNR order and waste away while staff was right there to resuscitate you.
A nurse snapped off the machine and Erica looked at her watch. "Time of death… 8:16." She turned and walked away, not looking where she was going. When she did look up, she was in one of the conference rooms that doctors tell family members the news of their conditions or their inevitable death. She sat in one of the chairs and raked her hands through her blonde hair, closing her eyes.
The professional in her kept saying in a cold dispassionate voice that she was right in doing what she did; that if she still wanted a career by the end of the day, then what she did was right. The very same cold voice that had kept her safe and distant all these years. And yet…she knew it wasn't enough anymore. Ever since Callie had cracked her open, that voice, the 'Dr. Hahn' persona simply wasn't going to cut it anymore. The threat of breaking down hovered over the very near horizon like some preying cloud, but Erica wouldn't let it come closer. Taking a deep breath, she stood and walked out of the room, colder than she had been in a long time.
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She made it home before Callie and stepped into the shower, needing to purge at least some of what she did from her body and- hopefully- spirit. She felt like she was standing on quicksand, and each step or move she made to try and get out of it only pulled her deeper. The simple fact was that Erica Hahn felt betrayed by something she felt she could always rely on: science. Learning early from her complete hell of a childhood, Erica knew to follow science- to follow the simple facts, so cut and dried unlike the mess that was emotions. And science had led her true- on the path that was straight and narrow. But today….she couldn't help but feel that science had betrayed her. It wasn't losing the patient that cut the deepest- it was standing there, hands jammed into pockets so instinct wouldn't take over and bring that woman back from the razor edge of death.
When she lost a patient on the table- which wasn't often- she would still feel a little part of her had died inside. But the one consoling fact was that she had done her goddamned best, no matter what. This? Losing a patient and not doing her job just because a slip of paper ordered that she didn't? It was worse than losing someone on the table under the glaring stare of the OR lights. Perhaps that's why she was so broken up over this: science couldn't keep her from feelings, and therein was the betrayal:
Science wasn't enough anymore.
Erica leaned her forehead against the smooth shower tiles and turned the cold knob all the way. She needed to be arctic again, before something like this could thaw her and send her down the drain. But even as this thought crossed her mind, she knew that becoming frozen wouldn't solve her problems, because ice could shatter, break and melt.
Just like her.
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When Callie came home that day, she had heard what happened and since then had an unpleasant feeling in her stomach. She opened the door and saw Erica's black jacket on the hook near the door and her purse dumped on the floor. The sound of a shower pulled her eyes up the stairs. Nibbling her lip, Callie walked up them and knocked on the bathroom door. "Erica?" No answer. Her disquiet grew. She turned the knob and opened the door. The first thing she noticed was that it was cold- what's more, there was no steam- and Erica usually liked her showers hot. She stepped over Erica's clothes and looked into the shower. Her breath caught in her throat.
Erica Hahn, normally so confident, so elegant and in control, was sitting on the floor of the shower, knees drawn up and arms hugging them with her head on her arms. "Erica??" At the sound of her name, her head slowly turned and met Callie's gaze. The formerly coolly amused and sharp blue of Erica's eyes seemed washed out and devoid of sentiment. "I just killed two people today," she said, her voice rougher than usual from emotion. They stared at each other a moment and then Callie reacted, pulling off her clothes and joining Erica in the shower.
The water was freezing, each drop a needle point of frost onto Callie's skin. Erica, however, seemed colder, her skin as pale as marble and just as cool. Hugging her tightly, Callie reached up without looking and turned the knob for warm water. Stroking her hair and cradling Erica's head on her shoulder, Callie didn't ask any questions, knowing that she'd probably learn soon. Her left hand sought the blonde's, and their fingers entwined tightly. Callie smiled a sad, little smile but said nothing, only kissed the top of her head and tightened her hug. She'd be there, because whatever demons would try to tear Erica apart, she'd be there to fight them.
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"Erica, you need to eat something…," Callie began, a slight note of pleading entering her voice. It was two days after Callie found her in the shower, and now Erica was curled up on the edge of the bed, facing the windows and looking at the view. There was no answer. She hadn't moved since Callie dressed her in a blue cotton t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants. Raking her hands through her hand in frustration, Callie glared at Erica's back while chewing her lip. Giving out a growl of frustration, she headed into the bathroom to start a bath- scalding hot. Erica heard her growl and her footsteps fading footsteps, then the muted roar of water filling the tub. She closed her eyes. She knew she should probably get out of this bed, but…transforming a thought into an action had never taken so long in Erica's brain, which was still reeling from a few days ago. She was taught to save lives, and the fact that she had basically wasted two was like a splinter in her foot that evaded all attempts for extraction with tweezers. Callie's numerous attempts to get her out of bed were usually met with silence and with Erica shutting her eyes to try to get away from it all.
But this time, with what Callie had in mind, simply closing one's eyes wouldn't get one away from it. Erica was drifting off into featureless sleep when two strong arms slung her around a pair of shoulders in a fireman's carry. "What- what the hell are you doing??" she yelped as Callie carried her down to the bathtub and unceremoniously slung her into the scalding hot water of the tub. Choking and spluttering, she wiped her hair and water out of her eyes and started to climb out, but Callie was already climbing in and tugged her back in. Not letting her get a word edgewise, the ortho surgeon threaded her fingers through Erica's hair and cupped her face. The blonde's eyes were still closed, but opened when Callie barked
"Look at me!"
She was gratified to see that some of the old Erica was back- anger was fast filling those oh-so-blue eyes.
"I will not stand idle while you waste away. You did everything that you could-"
"No, I didn't, Callie!! That's just it! I let her die, let her go and I could've brought her back- BUT I DIDN'T-!"
"-everything that you could under the circumstances," Callie firmly continued, paying no heed to the other's passionate outburst.
The heart surgeon locked gazes with her. The cold, hard packed ground that held the pennant of her guilt was quick becoming soft, yielding mud under the scrutiny of Callie's liquid brown eyes.
"Erica, you're tearing yourself up over something you couldn't possibly have control over." There was a beat of silence when Callie took a breath. "And I think I…I'm much too…fond…of you to do that," she said, her voice dropping to a faint whisper. Erica simply stared at her. Both were pretty sure of what she was going to say in the first pause of her sentence. The heart surgeon didn't trust herself to speak; instead she swallowed past the knot of emotion in her throat and reached up and kissed Callie. It was like the elevator kiss- soft, chaste and opening a few doors along the way.
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Erica opened her eyes. They felt grainy, and stung a little- both indications of a good, long cry. She yawned and sat up. She ran a hand through her hair and sighed. Last night was the kick in the ass that she desperately needed. Callie was right- it wasn't her fault, and even if she did do something to resuscitate Ms. Harris, then what? Her job could be at stake, and the hospital could potentially lose thousands of dollars for saving someone's life. Huh…how ironic. She hated playing patty cake with all those legal catch 22's. She was much more interested in holding a scalpel.
She stood and opened the curtains and windows. It was still raining- part of good ol' Seattle weather, but she didn't mind the damp. She took a quick look at the clock- it was reasonably early in the morning at six-twenty- and then glanced back outside. Taking a deep breath, she counted to ten before releasing it, the same way she did before going into an OR. She glanced in the window and saw Callie in the reflection. Her eyes wandered over the other's woman's face at a leisurely rate. "Feeling better?" She asked, coming up behind her and hugging her waist. Erica turned her head and smiled a little. She had to marvel, when Callie did that….she almost heard an invisible click. And…ah there it was. The smell of Callie's cherry-vanilla shampoo surrounded her like a halo and she breathed it in. She'd missed it- being stuck in a pit of self-pity could make one miss the finer points of life. She turned around and hugged Callie. "I'm not sure where I can even start to thank-" she began. The brunette cut her off with a kiss, her lips curling into a smile against the other woman's. "I told you I was serious about this," she murmured, brushing away a sheaf of blonde hair, trailing her fingers behind Erica's head, pulling her closer for a kiss. Oh yes- this was another thing Erica missed in her yawning pit of self-pity.
It was one of those comfortable meeting of the lips that quickly turned into something else as Erica opened the snaps of Callie's shirt and, taking hold of the collar, pulled it down and over her arms so Callie couldn't move them. Wearing a smirk at her mewls of complaint; the heart surgeon pointed her over to the bed with a nod. Callie sat and wondered why the other woman was still standing there near the window. Thoroughly enjoying the way Callie's eyes were watching her every move, Erica slowly peeled off her shirt and tossed it at the foot of the bed, allowing it to fall in a dark colored puddle. Her sweats were next, the dark grey material sliding down her ivory legs as she pushed them down and kicked them off into the darker recesses of the dim room.
Callie swallowed with a suddenly dry throat as she was pushed down and Erica climbed on top of her, still wearing that faint smirk. Her hands slowly went to the fastening of her bra, unclipping it, but she didn't pull it off. Callie's eyes widened and she tried wiggling out of her compromising position with her arms caught in the sleeves. There was nothing more the ortho surgeon wanted than to pull those straps down and kiss her way up to the soft hollows of the other woman's chest. I swear to God, I'm going to tear this damn shirt, Callie thought with a bothered groan. Giggling softly, Erica kissed her, with all the slow cooked passion that had been building up. The dark straps fell down her shoulders. She knew damn well what she was doing- and if the frustrated hip surge Callie just did, Erica knew she was going it well. Finally with an outright laugh she took pity on the darker haired woman and, still kissing her, brought her hands up to Callie's caramel colored shoulders. With her nails skimming her shoulders, Erica simultaneously tugged the cloth down past her elbows and raising goose bumps as she went.
Yanking her arms out of her sleeves, Callie couldn't help but let out a victorious snicker at Erica's yelp of surprise when her world was turned upside down- literally. Rocking her hips again, she rolled over and reversed their positions, so that Erica was now the hapless one on bottom. "My turn," Callie said in a husky growl, kissing and nipping her way across the other's chest. She caught the blonde's arms and pinned them over her head, making Erica's mouth twist and murmur, "Not fair." Callie stopped kissing her body and raised her brow. "'Not fair'?" She asked. Erica smiled and winked. "Not fair," she repeated. She was feeling confident and in control- that is, until the knee that Callie had shifted ground against her, making her nerves explode. "Uh God…!" She hissed, eyes rolling back in her head. A slight tremor rocked through her body, making Callie chuckle in smug satisfaction at her handiwork. When Erica opened her eyes, she saw Callie's expression and simply mewled, "Not fair." The ortho surgeon laughed with that dangerously smoky glint in her chocolate eyes and leaned down to kiss her again. "Hun, by the time I'm through with you, you'll be saying a lot more than 'not fair,'" she murmured against her lips, trailing her hand down Erica's side and hooking her fingers onto the side of the blonde's panties.
And then, that's when it happened.
The phone began to ring with a distressingly evil chime, as if smugly interrupting the moment between the two doctors. Both their heads swiveled towards the source: Callie's cell phone. She bit her kiss-swollen lip in an adorable pout. Erica shut her eyes. "Answer it, and then we need to finish," she growled. Her voice was thick and even more gravely with desire. Giving one last mind-scorching kiss and a suggestive hip grind, the ortho surgeon rolled off of Erica and picked up her phone, answering breathlessly, "Hello?"
Erica watched her from the bed with lids at half-mast, smiling enticingly at her. But she got a little concerned when Callie's face immediately paled and the Cheshire grin from before fell off her face. The next words she said finally made Erica understand.
"Uh….hi Mom."
Author's Note: As a side note, the chapter title is named after the song of the same name by Coldplay. It's pretty good- you should go check it out, and I like to think that it describes the first half reasonably well.