Betrayal

Chapter 14

Jethro, Matthew and Noemi settled into a routine and things moved along fairly smoothly. Jethro spent almost a month building a wall unit in the baby's room complete with drawers, shelves and cubbies for all manner of toys, books and clothes. He also built a toy chest for downstairs and a sandbox and swing set in the back yard. The swing set had a bucket seat for babies and Matthew loved swinging. He would laugh and wave his arms around and babble nonstop as his daddy pushed him way up high.

As the days and weeks passed Jethro had his good days and some not so good days. He missed Jenny terribly and on those days when he couldn't seem to get her off his mind nothing seemed to help. He tried to stay busy and Matthew was a big help in that department but since the little boy was in bed by seven o'clock every night the evenings and nights were long and lonesome. Ducky checked in regularly and some member of Jethro's NCIS family called every few days. Still, there were many long, dark nights that Jethro wandered around the house trying to find some peace of mind. On those nights he was very glad he had a son upstairs asleep; otherwise he knew, he would be deep in a bottle of bourbon. He considered starting another boat but he just wasn't ready for that. During one of these long, lonesome nights near the end of September Jethro concluded he needed to go back to work.

The morning after his realization that he needed a job, Jethro called Mark in San Diego. They had talked briefly just days after Jenny's death and Mark had reminded him of his earlier job offer.

"Hey, buddy how are things in sunny California?"

"Jethro, it's good to hear your voice. You doin' okay?"

"Good days and bad but mostly good. Mattie keeps me busy and happy."

"But you're ready to get back to work right?"

"Yeah, I think it's time. Do you have time to talk now?"

"As a matter of fact I don't. We're on our way out the door headed to the in-laws for the weekend. I'll be coming out your way next week though. Your timing is perfect. I need a new guy out there and I want you to be that guy. How about I call you when I get to DC on Tuesday and we can get together?"

"Perfect. Can I pick you up?"

"I'll get a car but you can invite me over for lunch and to meet your little one."

"Consider it done. I'll see you on Tuesday."

By the time Mark left the next Saturday morning Jethro was once again employed. He would be doing threat assessments and security planning for clients of Mark's company. The clients represented everyone from visiting diplomats to the US Government and influential business people. He would be doing mostly field work but it was all planning and site inspections, not personal security work and no one would likely be shooting at him. That was something Jethro wasn't willing to risk now that he was a single parent. The work would be challenging and interesting and he could set his own schedule to some extent. Best of all there was minimal paperwork. Mark had introduced him to Ruth Ellis, a very capable, retired Army sergeant who ran the office much as she had the offices of numerous high ranking Army officers during her career. She had a staff of two and they did all the paperwork once Jethro or the other consultants did the field work. There were three other consultants in the office, all former military men and Jethro met them at lunch on Friday. He liked each of them and by the time lunch was over it seemed they would make a good team.

Over coffee before he left for the airport Mark told Jethro, "I'm excited to have you join us my friend. I think we can keep you busy but not overwhelmed. Any time you need to be away to do something with Matthew just let Ruth know and she'll manage the schedule."

"Thank you, Mark. I appreciate the opportunity. I like the setup and it seems like a good outfit. I'll do a good job for you."

"Hell, I know you will. I just hope it's not boring for you. After NCIS it'll be pretty calm."

"That's what I need these days. My days of getting shot at are over."

"Right. Take another week then check in with Ruth on Monday after next and she'll get you set up. Can Noemi stay overnight in case you have to be out of town once in a while?"

"Yeah, she's fine with that."

"Doesn't happen often but it can happen. Okay, I better hit the road. Good to see you Jethro. Take care. Again, I'm really sorry about Jenny. I'm glad to have you on board."

"Thanks again, buddy. I appreciate it."

And so Jethro went back to work and life went on. Noemi now came earlier and stayed later and Jethro worried that Mattie would forget who his parent was. He knew he really had no choice but being away from his son was a difficult adjustment; one more on top of so many others for both father and son. Calls and visits from friends lessened as everyone got on with their busy lives. Jethro enjoyed the work and was as busy as he needed to be. He was home most nights in time to feed and bathe Matthew and read him stories before bedtime. He had yet to play any of the tapes Jenny had made for them. He told himself he didn't want to confuse the little boy by having him hear his mom's voice when she wasn't there but he knew in his heart he simply wasn't ready to hear her voice yet.

Fall swept in and Mattie was crawling everywhere, eating whatever Noemi put in front of him and growing and changing every single day. Jethro had to be gone overnight for the first time in late October and it was the longest night he'd endured in a while. He had not been away from Matthew that long since he first saw him in the hospital and he was miserable all night. Noemi called him before Mattie went to bed so he could tell his son goodnight. She assured Jethro everything was fine but still he was anxious and lonesome until he got home the next afternoon.

Mike had taken to calling from the cantina every Saturday afternoon. One Saturday in early November the phone rang at the usual time and there was Mike with the noise of the cantina in the background.

"How you doin' Probie?"

"Good, Mike. How's the beach?"

"Warm and sunny. Not what you've got I hear."

"Nope, we've got cold and cloudy. Typical for the Nation's Capitol. Everything alright?"

"All good here. How's my little man doin'?"

"He's growin' like a weed. Thinks he's gonna take off walking any day now. Walks around the couch and the table. He's startin' to try and say a few words already. He's a joy."

"Sounds like it. How's the work?"

"Good. No one shooting at me you know so that's good. We're plenty busy. The townhouse sold last week so that's all taken care of finally."

"Good. Hey, my food's comin' but there's someone here who wants to talk to you. I'll call next week. Kiss that boy for me."

"Will do."

Jethro heard Mike pass the phone to someone and then it was quiet like the person had taken the phone outside. He expected Carmelita to come on the line as she often did.

"Hello Jethro."

There was a pause while Jethro closed his eyes and took a breath.

"Ana, hi."

"I'm sorry, maybe this wasn't a good idea."

Jethro hesitated again.

"No, it's okay. I'm just surprised to hear your voice is all. How are you?"

"I'm fine. Jethro, I've thought about calling you for months but I just didn't know if it would be alright with you. I wanted to tell you how very sorry I am about Jenny. I should have told you that a long time ago. I haven't been a very good friend."

"Ana, it's fine. I'm glad to talk to you now. Is Mike behaving himself?"

"Yes, most of the time. Still not smoking which is good. Tell me about your son."

"He's wonderful. Mike has pictures I'm sure he's shown you. He's growing so fast and changing every week. I can barely keep up with him. Ana, I'm sorry I didn't call you after I got back. Things were just so. . . ."

"No, Jethro don't apologize to me. You had all you could handle and you were exactly where you were intended to be. You had your life and I wasn't part of that. I understand completely. I worried about you but I couldn't call. I hope my calling that time wasn't a problem."

"Of course it wasn't. Jenny and I had no secrets."

"I didn't mean that. I just…oh I don't know. I'm sorry Jethro I think I should go. I'm glad you're doing alright. Take care."

And she was gone. Jethro looked at the phone and shook his head. He'd never known Ana to be so flustered. He wondered what was really going on and what was wrong. Calling back crossed his mind but Matthew decided he needed his daddy's attention right then so the phone was put away and Jethro turned his attention to his son. He'd think about Ana another time.

Another time turned out to be the next morning when Mike called back.

"What did you say to upset Ana yesterday?" Mike sounded a little bit angry and that threw Jethro for a loop.

"Hello to you too, Mike. I didn't say anything to upset her. She was…I don't even know how to describe it. She didn't seem comfortable talking to me but I swear I didn't say much of anything."

"Well she came back with the phone and I think she was cryin'. She's been so worried about you and torn up about the whole thing I thought maybe talkin' to you would make her feel better. Shows what I know. Maybe she's afraid you'll think it's in poor taste for her to call you. You know how she feels about you and with all that's happened maybe she thinks she shouldn't be talkin' to you."

"Look, I know how she felt a year ago but surely she doesn't still feel that way now. I haven't seen her in ten months."

"It hasn't changed, Probie. That woman loves you. Bad luck for her because first you're married and now you're a new widower. Either way it's bad timing for her. I'm not tryin' to be crass here but that's the truth."

"Shit. What do you want me to do. I don't want her feelin' like she can't talk to me. I was happy to hear her voice and I would have been happy to talk to her. I don't have anything to offer her now; just like I didn't before. Maybe it's best we just let this thing die off."

"Don't expect that's gonna happen anytime soon."

"Whatta you suggest I do about it?"

"Not sure you should do anything."

"Dammit Mike. I care about Ana. I don't want her unhappy because of me."

"Probably nothing you can do about that. She's grown, Jethro. She'll have to work it out."

"Give me her number. I'll call her and we'll talk it out. We did before."

Jethro wrote down the number Mike gave him. He wasn't sure what he'd say to her but he was determined to try and fix it somehow. He didn't take the time right then to examine his feelings for Ana; he just wanted to talk to her like he used to be able to.

"You sure that's a good idea?"

"No."

"Probie, let's put it on the table. That girl loves you. You're fresh from burying the love of your life. Don't mess up something by trying to fix things. I know you care for her but now may not be the time to get wrapped up with Ana again."

"I hear you. I'll be honest with her like I have always been. Now, Mattie seems to be ready to get out of his bed so I've gotta go. Behave yourself."

"Same to ya."

Jethro scooped Mattie out of his bed and changed his diaper. He kept up a constant 'conversation' with the little boy as he got him dressed and they went downstairs. It was fairly mild day so after a snack the Gibbs boys bundled up and went for a walk. Jethro needed the fresh air and time to think about Ana and what he would say to her when he called. Mike was right of course, now was not the time for him to get involved with Ana. Jethro had no idea if there ever would be a time when he would be open to a romantic situation with Ana or any other woman but he knew for sure that time was not now. This was way more complicated a situation than Jethro wanted to deal with these days. It took all his energy to simply get through each day. He missed Jenny every day and some days it was all he could do to get up and go to work and come home to take care of his son. He had no idea when that might change though he knew from bitter experience that eventually it would at least get easier.

His relationship with Ana had helped him get through a difficult time but he had known at the time he was using her and couldn't give her what she wanted or needed from him. He had been very honest with her about that but still, when he thought about it, he knew it had been unfair to Ana. If he was honest with himself he would have to admit he'd been very happy to hear her voice yesterday. He wondered why she had been so uncomfortable talking to him. Perhaps she was afraid he would think she was being insensitive because it was so soon after Jenny's death. It didn't feel like that to Jethro. He thought of Ana as a friend and frankly right now he could use a friend. The whole thing of her loving him was a problem for Jethro though because he couldn't reciprocate. It was a mess. Such a mess Jethro wasn't even sure he understood the whole thing. Maybe Ducky could help.

When they got back to the house, Jethro got a fire going in the fireplace and sat down on the floor with Matthew and some plastic blocks and trucks. While they built towers for the trucks to knock down, Jethro called Ducky and asked if he could come over for supper. Ducky offered to bring Chinese which Jethro hadn't had in ages. Of course he accepted.

Ducky arrived at seven just as Jethro was getting Mattie out of the bathtub. While Jethro got Mattie dressed Ducky unpacked the food and set the table. While the grownups ate, Mattie sat on his daddy's lap and had a bottle. He was asleep in Jethro's arms before dad was finished eating. When there was nothing left but the fortune cookies Jethro took Mattie upstairs and Ducky cleaned up the empty cartons and put on the kettle for tea. He had succeeded in getting Jethro to replace his nighttime coffee with tea; at least part of the time. He was sitting in the living room enjoying the fire when a tired father reappeared and sank onto the couch.

"Long day?"

"Yeah. I seem to be tired all the time."

"I think that goes with having a baby in the house. Wait until he's a toddler."

"Ugh."

The two friends sat in silence for a while before Jethro got up to put another long on the fire. Ducky knew something was bothering his old friend but he waited for Jethro to begin on his own. Ducky had learned long ago that patience was the key to any conversation with Jethro.

"Somethin' I need to talk to you about and I don't know where to start."

"Well, the beginning is usually the best place you know that."

Jethro looked into the fire for a few moments longer then he sat down and began. He told Ducky about Ana from the falling-through-the-roof story to leaving her in San Diego the night he had come home. He told all of it; his feelings for her, the kisses, her feelings for him and their phone conversation yesterday.

"I feel bad that's she's unhappy and I know it's because of me but I don't know what to do about it."

"First of all her unhappiness is not your responsibility. From what you've said you were completely honest with her from the beginning. You didn't lead her on or betray your marriage with her. So, her happiness or lack thereof is NOT your responsibility."

"In my head I know that but it still feels like my fault."

"Do you have feelings for this woman?"

"No!"

"Jethro, there is nothing wrong with it if you do."

"Feels like it would be wrong. Okay, when I was in Mexico I was miserable. Ana and I clicked. She got me to talk about Jenny and what had happened. She was a friend when I needed one. We spent a lot of time together and if I hadn't had a wife I still loved then we would have become more than just friends. I liked her. Part of me wanted to be with her but I wouldn't let it happen. She said she understood and she was okay with it. She said she wanted me to be happy and she knew that meant I had to come back to Jenny."

"Sounds like a wise and strong woman."

"She is. Now there is no Jenny and I still can't give Ana what she wants; me. I'm not in any kind of shape to have a relationship with her even if I thought it was a good idea which I don't."

"Just for the sake of conversation, why is it not a good idea?"

"Oh I don't know, maybe because I just buried my wife three months ago."

"So, it's a matter of timing?"

Jethro sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. He was so tired he could hardly think straight.

"Yeah, partly. Don't you think it'd be a little soon for me to take up with another woman?"

"Jethro, the woman we're discussing lives on the other side of the country. In fact, in another country all together. Can talking to her on the phone be such a bad idea? I think Ana reached out to you because she is concerned about you, cares for you and wanted to let you know that. Apparently the conversation did not go as she hoped but that does not mean talking to her is a bad idea. If she wants to continue your friendship I hope you will not discourage that. Believe it or not, you will some day want to be in another relationship and Ana may very well be the woman you want to do that with. She is a grown woman who can make her own decision. Give her the respect she deserves by letting her be in charge of her life. If she wants to risk her heart on you that has to be her decision. All you are obligated to do is be utterly honest with her. And, as a final point let me remind you that Jenny wanted you to be happy again. To love again. If I'm not mistaken she elicited from you a promise to do just that."

Jethro was quiet while he absorbed everything Ducky had said.

"It all makes perfect sense when you say it Ducky. I just need to sleep on it I guess and then maybe I can say the right things when I call Ana."

"Jethro, one last thing and then I am going because you must go to bed. I believe you do have some feelings for Ana or this would not be so difficult for you. Please let yourself have those feelings and if they begin to grow and change do not try and deny them out of a false sense of loyalty to Jenny. You were a good husband and partner to Jenny for many years. You never once betrayed your love for her and your loving again would not do so now. Loving again and being happy again will only serve to honor the happiness and love you had with Jenny."

Jethro wiped tears from his eyes as he stood up to embrace his friend. They walked to the door and Jethro went out onto the porch with Ducky.

"Thank you my friend."

"You are very welcome. Now, go to bed! Doctor's orders."

"Yes, Doctor."

Jethro went upstairs and looked in at Matthew sound asleep in his bed. He sat in the rocking chair and watched his son and thought about Jenny. He thought back to the conversations they would have about Mattie's future.

"Jethro I want you to teach him to swim and sail and build things."

"What if he doesn't like the water?"

"Don't be silly. He will. And teach him to ride a horse."

"And a bike?"

"Of course. And read to him so he'll like books. And tell him his mom loved him with all her heart."

"I will, Jen. I promise."

Just before he fell asleep, Jethro got up and kissed his son on the head then went to his own bed where he collapsed and fell into a dreamless sleep. The next morning a powerful set of eleven month old lungs woke Jethro and propelled him across the hallway. Mattie was standing up in his bed, face red and hair plastered to his head with sweat.

"Hey, little man what's the matter? You wanna get out of there huh?"

Mattie stretched up his arms and grinned at his daddy.

"C'mon, no more yelling for daddy. I'm right here."

And so began another Sunday in the Gibbs household. That afternoon after Jethro put Mattie down for his nap, he sat on his bed and picked up his phone. He took some deep breaths, closed his eyes for a minute then punched in Ana's number. He hoped she was there because he wasn't sure he could talk himself into doing this again if she didn't answer. She did.

"Hello, this is Dr. Mendez."

"Ana, it's Jethro." Before she could respond he plowed ahead, "Could we start over? Please."

Silence. Nerves on both ends of the phone but finally Ana gathered her courage and said, "Hi, yes, let's start over."

"Oh, good. Okay, hi, how are you?"

Ana laughed and it was the best sound Jethro had heard in a while.

"I'm fine. Busy as usual but that's why I'm here. I'm sorry about the other day. I thought I was ready to talk to you but I guess I wasn't."

"Are you now?"

"Yes, I need to tell you how very sorry I am about Jenny. I should have called you long ago; like any friend would have. I can't explain why I didn't. I have been thinking about you and Matthew and praying that you are alright."

"That must be why I keep making it through the days. Can't think of any other reason. Matthew is my reason for living, Ana. Without him I don't know what I would do."

"Tell me about him."

"Well, he's the cutest baby boy in the whole world for starters. He's standing up at the furniture and trying to walk. Crawls very fast all over the house. Eats like a Marine and thank goodness he takes good naps. He's a very sweet boy, hardly ever cries or fusses. Loves to take a bath and still likes to cuddle with his daddy."

"He sounds wonderful. I'm happy for you that you have him. He's a lucky boy to have you for a dad."

"Well, we'll see about that as time goes along. Is Mike behaving himself?"

"Yes, he is. He shows me pictures of Matthew whenever he has a new one. I must say that boy looks an awful lot like his father."

"Yes, that's what everyone says. Ana, there's something I need to say."

"Okay."

"I feel very selfish saying this to you but here goes. I want us to be friends, I want to talk to you and stay in touch with you but in reality things haven't changed for us. I'm still not able to give you anything more than I could in Mexico. I'm just not in a place where I can offer you what you want or need. Wait, that sounds pretty presumptuous I guess. Maybe I'm not sayin' this right but you know what I mean don't you?"

"Yes, Jethro I know what you're saying. Now I need to say something. I care for you as I think you well know. When you left to go home I accepted that we would never be anything more than friends. As far as I am concerned that is still true. Perhaps some day in the future that will change. Can we just leave it at that and see what the future brings? I have no expectations."

"I would like that. The very last thing I want to do is hurt you Ana."

"You will not. I am not worried about that."

"Okay. Tell me how the new clinic is working out."

Ana talked for several minutes about the clinic and how wonderful it was to be in the new space. She talked about some of the people Jethro knew from the town and how everyone was doing. Then she asked about his work and he spent a few minutes describing his new job and how it was going.

"Do you miss NCIS?"

Jethro thougth for a moment then he said, "Yes, I do. I miss the action and the people. But, I can't be putting myself in the line of fire anymore. So, I'd rather have Mattie than NCIS."

"Good choice. I'm glad you're not in the line of fire anymore."

"I guess I better go. I'm very happy we talked. Let's stay in touch, okay?"

"Yes, I would like that. Thank you for calling me back, Jethro. Bye."

"Bye, Ana. Take care of yourself."

TBC