A/N: I am not pleased at all with the middle of this chapter. Also, I'm interested in what you think of Alex's, erm, "revelation."

It's very hard for me to sleep tonight, even with Mitchie curled up and clutching at the fabric of my nightgown in the cutest way possible. Her soft breaths are usually enough to calm me, but not tonight. I'm guessing that's because of the memories this stirs up about my last escape attempt and how horribly it was botched. Every disgusting, terrifying, deadly scenario screams through my mind and clatters against my ears in a dissonant symphony that I desperately want to leave but can't.

Mitchie doesn't seem to be having the same problem as I do, but I think that's because she allows herself to believe in things that are way beyond her control. I've noticed that she tends to have a remarkable amount of faith for someone who has been through so much- faith in what, I don't know. I guess maybe that once she had all of that shit thrown at her all at once, the only way to stay alive was to keep hope alive. Or faith. Or whatever.

I kiss her on the forehead but do not get up. My feet are itching to visit the book room again, though I realize from my last attempt that it's best not to take any unnecessary risks. Last time, I was too young, too immature, too impulsive. The day before I was planning on leaving, I put on more horrible pranks than I ever had before. I managed to break six of the seven Cardinal Atrocities in that day alone. I ran from the whips and hid until nightfall, laughing like hell as the entire compound was out to find me. Then, after everyone had finished checking out our house, I snuck back in and hid in my room until it was time to go. Last time, I had tried to go out shouting my cause from the rooftops. Now, I know better. This time we will go with a whisper.

I sit up waiting for another hour or so before I feel myself drifting off to sleep from sheer exhaustion. However, that sleep is restless, pointless, and possibly more draining than staying awake. Nightmares invade every corner of every dream and take me into their painful grasp. I twist and turn until the sunlight peeks through the curtains' gap and shines in my eyes to bring me back to life.

Sunlight doesn't seem to phase Mitchie at all as she just continues on sleeping. I don't bother to wake her, seeing as we'll all need extra strength for tonight. I only wish I could've gotten some myself. Max is probably fine on the sleep front; I haven't heard any noise in the yet, meaning no one's up. Instead of wasting time, I figure I should start planning things out. I didn't really have much of a plan last time.

The big question was when? Would it be best to go in the awkward half hour between evening service and dinner, to just slip away into the twilight? I nix that idea quickly based on the fact that some asshole is going to be making me do shit during that time. Mitchie and I are probably going to be holed up somewhere all day because of last night's "revelations", leaving us no room for escape. The best time will probably be after lights out after the guards have finished their first pass. I think that's somewhere around 11, but I don't know for sure. We'll have to keep a watch out tonight for them. Max needs to sneak into our room before we go, too: there would be too much commotion if we tried to wake him on our way out.

As for provisions, it's a bit trickier. Stealing food from the kitchen is probably an unnecessary risk, though I don't know how else we'd eat. We could depend on help from the outside world despite the fact that we don't know much about them. Wait... the police. I remember learning something about the police, which are kind of like the Enforcers only not as mean. I heard that they help keep the bad guys away in the outside world. Maybe they'd be willing to help us, too. Come to think of it, Max probably knows a lot about the outside world from the books. Hopefully he'll have some advice.

But how far is it to the nearest police station? Especially since most of the outside world operates by cars, which would definitely be able to travel much further and faster than we would be able to by foot. They're towns are most likely going to be more separated than our little community. I don't know how long we'll able to walk. Maybe someone will pick us up? In the end, it probably doesn't matter, I decide. I'd rather die walking on some desolate road knowing that I tried the hardest to get out of here than stay in this wretched place my whole life, alive.

I glance over at the clock to find that it's just a little past 8. Brilliant. I need to get going to avoid getting my ass kicked any more than it usually is. Although I shouldn't put too much effort into being on time or that will look suspicious, too. Fuck it. I'm just going to act like it's a normal day, do everything as I would usually.

But of course my mind goes blank at this prospect. What would I do first? Wake up Mitchie. OK. That one I can do- with a smile.

I go over to her, gently shaking her body by the shoulders. "Mitchie... Mitchie... We've got to get ready. Get up."

She moans, rolling over so that I can see her face all scrunched up and upset about this whole morning thing, which is weird because usually I'm the not morning person. "What...?" If we didn't have to be at services in half an hour, I would have just let her be considering how cute she looks on that bed: her hair splayed out across the mattress, nightgown and sheets tangled up together, revealing her smooth, tanned legs-

Whoa. Calm down, Alex. As close as we've gotten, the focus has mostly been on the protector/proctectee and friendship relationships. Even our romantic relationship has been quite tame- well, not compared to the other idiots in this compound, but I suspect it becomes much more enhanced in the outside world. There hasn't been much time to feel longing or lust or anything incredibly... sexual, I guess is the best word. Honestly, I don't know how to feel that. I mean, I know it's a natural human feeling- why the hell else would they tell us we're going to have urges to have sex? Or why would anyone want to have sex, for that matter, if it wasn't fun, if it didn't feel good? I don't really know how good sex is, or how two girls have sex, or if it's even possible for two girls to have sex.

But I can't help but wonder about these things, considering how undeniably, um, sexual I felt staring at Mitchie's legs. It made me feel like this... tingly feeling all over- especially, you know, down south. And judging by the heavy breathing I'm experiencing, I probably can't trust myself to control this around her. Not to the proper level for someone who's been raped, anyway. I'm sure most other people would be interested in that. But I promised myself that I would let her guide, that I would let her lead.

Once I snap out of my slightly disturbing thought fest, I realize that Mitchie's staring up at me with a smirk on her face. "You look adorable when you're thinking about something really hard."

"I, uh, yeah. I mean, I guess..." I trail off awkwardly. Dammit, Alex, get a handle on the situation! But she's sitting up straight now and her dress is all bunched up around her mid-thighs, and I can see so-

"What were you thinking about?" she asks.

I instantly jerk my eyes away from her legs, up to her face. "You're beautiful," I blurt out, and then turn completely red after I say it.

She seems to take this as a compliment, though, because she giggles and gets up, stepping closer to me as her dress slowly falls straight down. "I love you, Alex."

Feeling vaguely bold, I kiss her once. "I"- another kiss, just a little bit longer- "fucking"- a third, my arms moving to her waist and hers settling gently on my shoulders- "love"- this kiss a little deeper, her hands tangled in my hair and our bodies pressing tightly against each other- "you." I break the last kiss and lightly tap her nose, which she seems to enjoy as I'm rewarded with a hint of laughter. I don't trust myself to do anything more, what with my breathing already off the charts, so I just lean in and whisper into her ear, "We'd better get ready. Don't want to be late."

She looks slightly disappointed by this, but nods anyway and leaves my arms- not without stealing a kiss on the cheek first, of course. "Do you have a plan for tonight?"

"I think so," I reply. Quickly, I turn my back to face the wall because she's about to take her dress off and if I see that, well, who knows what might happen? I try not to look at her as I continue to change. "We're probably going to be cooped up somewhere all day, so I figure we go after lights out, when we see the guards pass by. Max should be in here before we leave, though, so we can all go as a group. And once we get out- well, they have these people called police in the outside world."

She nods. "I remember hearing about them. And I bet Max knows some more about that, from the books."

"Exactly my thoughts. But for the moment I'm just scared of what might happen," I say, hardly daring to let the words leave my lips. I feel so much weakness in saying them, like I'm letting Mitchie down with that sentence. "Of what might happen to you, of course," I amend quickly. "And Max. I mean-"

"Alex." She's gotten into quite the habit of stopping me whenever I go into a bit of a rant. "It's OK; with me, you don't have to be brave or strong or anything but who you are. With me, you're safe."

I don't really know what to say that won't sound incredibly cliched, so I resort to our old body language: smile, soft touch, gentle squeeze. She understands. She always understands. Thank God she always understands, or I'd be totally fucked.

And with that, we go out to the door, ready to face the day.

"People of Havenwood, we have wondrous news!" Rosslyn announces from the altar of the High Chapel. Her smile is beaming down upon us, but it is so sadistic I can't believe no one else sees this. "Our holiest and newest member has finally spoken!" It takes a moment for this to sink in, but once it does... well. The best way I can describe it is the utter jubilation that would occur if we'd been in the midst of a terrible drought and Mitchie had just discovered a giant lake. Or my jubilation upon discovering Rosslyn's death. Multiply that by about 600 and you've got what the High Chapel looks like about now. Except for Rosslyn, stoic as ever. It chills me to stare into her icy eyes, to see that glare pierce through me like a whip to my back.

After enjoying the power she possesses for a couple of moments, Rosslyn settles us all down in a very disturbing voice. "While we are proud of her for taking this first step, we have also realized that we as a community are not ready to hear God's Word yet." Hushed and worried whispers erupt in every corner of the church, spreading back towards the center until the whole place is caught in a quiet conversation. "We are not worthy," Rosslyn continues, which causes another sweeping silence. "We now understand that everyone must be a believer in order for us to hear the Word, everyone must accept God into our hearts. Yes, we believe that once Alexandra Russo has accepted God as her savior, we will hear his Word!" Her last words ring out as echoes, but no one cheers this time. They're all too busy, staring at me. Everyone knows me; I've been called out as a bad example too many times for everyone to not know my name.

"Alexandra, if you would join me?" She extends her hand, like she's trying to be my friend. Well, fuck that.

I stand up as bravely as I possibly can, trying not to let the anger, the fear, the rage make my voice quiver as I spit at her: "Make me." A significantly large gasp resounds through the audience at this point, and I try to stay on my own two feet as Rosslyn's eyes bore into mine.

Suddenly, it's like she forgets the entire congregation is there and it's just a battle of wills between me and her. "That can be arranged. Damien!" My favorite Enforcer stands up and marches his way over to me. I know that there is no escape now as he grabs my arm with a big, beefy hand, marching me up to the executioner. At least, that's what it feels like.

"What are you going to do to me now, Rosslyn? Prove your devotion to God by beating the devil out of me? Yeah, I'm sure that's what Jesus wants," I tell her defiantly. I already know that I'm in for the beating of my life- I'm not even sure I'll come out of it alive or at least fully functioning. I might as well have some fun with it.

"To the Shepherds' chamber with you, young lady! The rest of you, off to breakfast!" I can see the angry fire dancing in her eyes and I know that it's taking everything in her not to reach out and strike me across the face right then and there. I try to remain calm, but it's the most fucking difficult thing I have ever done in my life.

"Ready to beat me senseless, Rosslyn?"

Her smile worries me. "Oh, no. We have something much worse."

What could possibly be-

FUCK. I am tied to a chair, ropes cutting into my wrists and leaving red marks everywhere, the hard wood pressing tough into my back. The room swelters as my sweat mingles with the solitary tears I allow to drip down my face.

Voices ring out around me, faces covered in masks stare down at me with empty eyes. I can't tell who is around me, pelting me with Bible verses as they all laugh. Lightly, they smack at me, teasing, taunting. I scream as loud as I can to try and block out their voices but soon enough someone gags me and I can hardly breath. More verses invade my ears and a high pitched noise sounds far off, but close enough for me to hear. It's driving me crazy, I can hardly stand this shit, these noises, these verses, these hands, these stings, and then-

I am alone in the chair, my head pounding and my whole body very confused. I hear voices.

"This is not the way it should be!" I recognize Todd, yelling, upset. "We cannot teach her to put God in her heart; she must accept Him herself!"

"At the rate she's going, she'll never get there!" That's Rosslyn right there. I can tell by the shrillness in her voice.

"Then maybe we are not meant to hear God's Word!"

"How is this any different than the Enforcers?" Rosslyn screams, seemingly reverting to something they've already discussed.

"They teach! They teach the difference between right and wrong, not how to accept God! That is an individual battle!" I'm not sure if his logic makes that much sense, but at least he's on my side.

"Fine! You want to be the Shepherd who deprived us of God's Word? Go ahead!"

There's a silence before Todd's next words are spoken. "What if we just... let her go home tonight and then put it to a vote tomorrow? Let the Mother and Father decide?"

Even Rosslyn knows she's not as powerful as the Mother and Father, no matter how much she wants to be. "If I must," she says bitterly in defeat.

And then they come get me. I barely remember walking back to the house.

"Alex! It's almost time!" Mitchie sends an excited whisper to me as she scoops me into her arms in a hug. I feel her happiness turn to concern when she sees the state of me. "Are you alright? Can you go?"

I nod. "I'm fine." My voice is a little scratchy, I notice. And my wrists are starting to hurt like hell due to the bloody red skin there rubbed raw by the rope. "My legs work just fine- I just need a moment."

My moment is interrupted by a charging Max, throwing himself full-force into me. "I thought you weren't going to be here. I thought we were going to leave you behind."

I let myself hug him back, not recognizing the different sort of warmth that spreads through my body as I hold him, trying to protect him from whatever's out there. "You can't get rid of me that easily, Maxie. No chance in hell."

"They've passed." Mitchie's voice crackles with fear and excitement as she turns her determined eyes toward us. "It's time."

We let the peaceful air around our house settle for another ten minutes or so before venturing out the door. Quiet as possible, we sneak through the house, past the landing, down the stairs, into the empty kitchen, out the slightly creaking door. My heart pounds in my chest and I am scared to death about this entire thing. I don't know how to keep myself quiet; it feels like the entire world can hear my heartbeat, that it's a dead giveaway to our position.

No one speaks as we slide along the walls of the house, towards the cellar, nearing the woods where there's no moonlight. We understand that to finish this successfully we'll have to draw on deeply personal stores of strength that none of the others can understand. For me, books and corsages keep flashing through my mind, Max and Mitchie's faces forming a faint backdrop. It is what I need to lead us closer to the woods. All of a sudden, I hear shouts.

"Someone! Help! Stop them!" Shit. It's Justin. He's figured out we're escaping, and he's telling the Enforcers! What the fuck!

"Go!" I say urgently, quietly. We speed off into the forest and suddenly I am fourteen years old again, running, scrambling-

NO! The stronger part of my brain fights off the urge to remember that time, because now is not the time. I can't be sucked in, I can't, I can't, I can't- I won't. But in order to keep my brain strong, my body sacrifices flowing ribbons of tears as a compromise.

Footsteps echo behind me, but I don't really hear them. Almost nothing is real anymore, nothing but the trees and sounds in front of me. I find it difficult to extend my mind to the others, to focus on anything but the fence that I know is at the end of this dark forest, the freedom that I will soon find. It has to be there.

And then- CRACK! The noise stops all three of us in our tracks. Mitchie looks absolutely horrified and confused by it, but Max and I turn chalk white at the sound. I have only heard it once before, only seen the instrument once before, but I know exactly what it is: a gun. I have only seen it used to shoot a rabid fox that once got into the compound. It fell dead on impact.

Unfortunately, that pause is what the Enforcers need to catch up to us. I find Damien's face, basking in the moonlight, aiming directly at the three of us. Barely having time to react, Mitchie lunges to the left while I grab Max and dodge right. I hear the noise, shut my eyes, expecting to feel the pain of a thousand needles stabbing me. But I feel nothing. Nothing at all. Except... a wetness? On my hand?

In the glow of the silver moon, I see my hand stained red with the blood of a twelve-year-old boy.

In the glow of the silver moon, I see my brother slumped over, barely breathing and hardly moving.

"Alex!"

We run and jump and fight and clamber, but I am numb.

We reach the fence I've dreamed about for years and climb over it to find a road.

We reach the outside world, but I am numb.