I have been waiting to post this chapter ever since I wrote it (which was a couple of months ago) and now I finally can. This is by far, my favorite chapter I have written so far and I'm so freaking excited for you all to read it. I was going to wait to post for a couple more days, but I have time on my hands and what better thing to do than give this to you. With that said, I hope you enjoy and please remember to review. Happy reading. x

All rights go to the owners of Criminal Minds, except for my original character.

P.S.: Post your theory as to why Jamie left in a review! I'm excited to hear your thoughts!

Not Like This

Chapter Fourteen: Memories from the Guilt Ridden

Jamie could recognize the sensations around her. There was the blasting of gunfire vibrating the ground, the sound of glass breaking and shattering to the pavement, the feeling that she was being carried and put back down. The concrete below her body was hard and wet. The hands that were holding her upright when she wanted to fall over were cold. The heart in her chest felt heavy with every slow breath. Beads of sweat covered her skin, every visible speck of it. A sticky patch felt warm on her chest. Despite having a bullet-proof vest, she still managed to get injured. Consciousness was coming and going. When she attempted to open her eyes, nothing seemed right. Colors were warped, figures looked as if they were doubled…or was she seeing things?

That face in front of her, though, she could never mistake that face for anything or anyone other than who it was.

"We need a medic! Right now!" Spencer yelled behind him. "She's losing too much blood!"

Jamie couldn't keep herself upright. Her head wanted to fall over and her body felt hot. The cold hands moved down to her chest, unstrapping the velcro of the vest. As it came off, it seemed to take away a million-and-one-pounds from her chest. Jamie sucked in a deep breath, possibly too deep and she started to cough. With that cough, came blood.

Hands were now pressed to the bloody wound on her chest. The pressure hurt like hell, but it had to happen.

"Jamie, hey, no, no, no. I need you to keep your eyes open."

She was trying, she really was.

"You're going to be fine…you're going to be fine."

Spencer's voice sounded like a buzzing in her ears. She opened her eyes lightly, enough to see her old friend in front of her, covered in her blood. Jamie mustered up a slight smile and attempted to speak, only sending her into another violent coughing fit. The metallic taste in her mouth was unpleasant and it didn't seem to stop.

"Jamie! Hey, keep your eyes open, okay?" He had one hand pressing down on her chest, another holding her face steady under her chin. Never in a million year would either of them thought they'd be in this situation.

Jamie gulped harshly, spitting up more blood as she did. It pushed past her lips, drawing red lines down her chin and out the corners of her mouth. The little effort that she was giving towards keeping her eyes open and holding her head up, seemed to evaporate all at once. Her green eyes rolled back and her head slumped to the side, out of Spencer's grasp.

"Jamie! Jamie! No, please, hey! Not like this…it can't happen like this."

June 17, 2004

No words had been spoken. The time ticking between shared voices was hostile and neither of them wanted to be the one to break it. That point in time would have to come eventually, though. In the prior days, there was an obvious tension that wanted to be avoided. How long they could actually avoid it, though, didn't last too long. Their love was strong, it had always been, but was it the wrong time for their relationship? Everything had worked out perfectly, maybe too perfectly. Was it inevitable that their good thing would eventually come crashing down? The endless "I love you's", the priceless moments captured on film, the heartwarming memories forever etched into their mind...it was all crashing down, right in front of their eyes.

One of the hardest parts in life-in anyone's life, is deciding whether to walk away or to try harder. It was more than going on amazing dates, or holding each other's hand, or sharing sweet kisses. It was how they accepted one another that set their relationship in stone. All the flaws and the weirdness they endured from the other, it led both of them to finding their happiness. It was a happiness that they found within each other. They chose one another, over and over again. Without hesitation, without wondering if it was all worth it, because it was.

But all good things must come to an end, right?

Secrets, that was another thing. They didn't keep them from each other, at least not until now. The secret was looked at as burdensome, and pushed aside until it couldn't be pushed any longer. There wasn't much time left to act and the decision had already been made.

As they were sitting on the opposite ends of the worn couch, the world seemed to be moving on without them. Jamie sat with her knees to her chest, biting her fingernails, eyes glued to the floor. Her body still shook with the left over cries she was keeping inside. She didn't dare look at him, no way. If she did, the tears would start and she didn't know if they would stop. Everything had been going so well, so why did one little situation put everything in jeopardy? Jamie was scared, a type of scared that she had never experienced before. When she thought about it, panic set in and it wouldn't diminish for hours. The two of them had graduated and had major plans for their future together. Now, all of it was being held together by a thread.

A sigh came from the other end of the couch. Spencer leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees, rubbing the tiredness and emotion from his face. He sniffed a few times, then he was brave enough to look over at his girlfriend. He thought she looked beautiful the way she tied her long, brown hair on a messy pile on top of her head. Her grey sweat pants and her white tank top fit all the right places and the simplicity of it all made him wonder how he got so lucky. Going into his college career, Spencer never imagined this happening. He never imagined finding the girl he thought he's spend the rest of his life with, the person who showed him another side to life that was filled with brightness and exhilaration. Yet, here she was and he couldn't seem to find that girl anywhere in the body sitting next to him.

"...Jamie," he spoke softly. He didn't look at her, his head was still on his hands.

There was no reply from the girl.

"Jamie, come on." he pleaded. "We can't-we can't do this."

"We already are..." she whispered back. Her eyes were still bored into the floor, her nails bitten down to a nub.

Spencer turned his head towards her, his tired, wary hazel eyes silently asking her why. "I just don't understand..."

"It's really not that hard..."

"It is, actually. This is coming out of nowhere."

Then, Jamie swiftly turned her head, taking her fingers from her mouth to look at her boyfriend. "It's not coming from 'nowhere', Spencer. "

"Then where is it coming from?"

Jamie shook her head, not wanting to have the whole conversation all over again; but that seemed to be happening every day since it began. "What? Did you expect us to be the perfect couple forever?"

Her words stung him to the core. They weren't always "picture perfect", but it was perfect in his eyes, he hoped it was in hers, too. "I just-I can't wrap my head around this..."

"I'm sorry..."

"You've been saying that. Soon it'll start to lose its meaning."

"What do you want from me, Spencer?" Jamie asked, throwing her hands in the air.

"I want the reason why-"

"I gave you the reason!" she shouted, getting up from her seat on the couch. She paced back and forth in the living room, hands placed solidly on her hips.

"I don't think you're being honest with me, Jamie."

"Oh my god, no. It's the fact that you don't want this to happen. You're trying to come up with some logical explanation of your own!"

"So, you're telling me that you just want to leave? Just like that?"

Jamie stopped pacing and looked at Spencer, her face filled with raw emotion. "I told you. I want something else, something away from here! I need to move on and if that doesn't involve you, then..."

"...then what?"

The tears were coming down her face now. She knew her own "logical explanation" was complete bullshit. She didn't want to leave, but she had to go. "I can't talk about this again. I feel sick, physically sick to my stomach right now." Jamie marched away from the living area, leaving a sad Spencer behind to watch. She made her way into the kitchen, grabbing a glass from the cabinet and filling it with water. The liquid ran down her throat and into her body, as she hoped it would calm the feeling growing inside of her.

Spencer came around the corner, leaning himself back against the door frame. He watched her with red eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked, referring to the mentioning of her feeling sick.

"No," she replied. "No, I'm not okay. Are you okay?"

"No."

"I told you, I don't want to talk about this, I don't want to argue."

"Then let's not argue. We can talk this out like mature adults and-"

Before Spencer could even finish his sentence, Jamie rushed past him, holding a hand over her mouth.

She rushed up the stairs, hating the swirling feeling erupting in her stomach. The sensation reminded her of being on a boat, even though she never got sea sick. Pushing open the bathroom door with her free hand, Jamie barely made it to the toilet in time. The contents of her stomach emptied out, but it wasn't much. There was so much stress going through her that she wasn't even eating properly. Yet, she knew it wasn't because of the malnutrition. She dry heaved a couple of times, holding her hair that fell above her head with one hand while the other was gripping into the ceramic structure. Her attention was quickly brought to the footsteps coming up the stairs. She got up from kneeling on the floor and swiftly slammed the door shut. It made her feel horrible, treating him like that. He was so in the dark and she didn't have the heart to tell him.

There was a soft knock on the bathroom door. "Jamie?"

"...I'm fine, Spencer."

"No, you're not."

Jamie hit the bathroom door with the flat bottom of her hand. "I said I'm fine! Just-just stop, okay?" Her voice was cracking and her throat hurt from the crying, the vomiting. She let herself slide down the door, meeting the cold floor as she sat down.

It was never supposed to be like this. Maybe it would happen eventually, but it couldn't happen now. She had plans and those plans wouldn't happen if she was in this situation. Making the decision to leave took everything out of her. She was sure that it would permanently scar her, scar the one she loved. He deserved so much better than what he was getting, but she couldn't give it to him, not any more. She had to let it go; let go of the way he held her at night, the way they kissed while watching the sunset, the way he smiled at her, the way he would pull her in closer by her waist and send shivers through her body. It had to be left behind, and he didn't even know the reason why. There was the part of her that was constantly feeling guilty, scorning her for lying to him, but the other part of her wanted to go through with it. She wasn't ready and she didn't want to hear that he was.

Jamie stood up from the bathroom floor, flushing the toilet and standing in front of the mirror. Her reflection looked awful. The bags under her eyes were very noticeable, the purple coloring had been there for days, too. She turned on the faucet, flashing herself with cold water and washing her mouth out. The sound of the running water filled her ears, drowned out the racing thoughts that never left her alone.

"You're wrong for doing this."

"You're a terrible person."

"How could you do this to him?"

"You were never good enough for him, anyway."

"He deserves so much better than you."

Jamie shut off the water with force. She felt nauseous again, but she was positive that there wasn't anything left in her stomach. Her hand reached for the doorknob, not even thinking of her actions. She was met face to face with Spencer. He didn't say anything to her, just watched her with those sad, hazel eyes.

Jamie walked quickly to their bedroom, not bothering to shut the door behind her, because she knew he would follow her anyway. She went to the closet, pulling out her biggest suitcase. Her eyes didn't dare to look over at Spencer, because if she did, she wouldn't be able to go through with what she was about to do. The clothes that were hanging in the closet made their way into the floor, missing the suitcase by a decent amount of space.

"...what are you doing?" Spencer's voice broke through her wall, sounding even more heartbroken than it already was.

Jamie ignored him, continuing to pull down her clothes. She moved over to her drawers, taking out the smaller piece of clothing in piles, setting them on the bed.

"Jamie..."

Still no response.

"Jamie!"

It was enough to make her jump. He didn't raise his voice like that, that wasn't the type of man he was. The girl kept working, bundling up clothes to fit into the travel gear.

"Jamie, where are you going?!"

"I don't know!"

"You can't just leave! You can't do this!"

"But I am!" she yelled back. "I already told you, it's happening!"

"No, you can't do this to me."

"You actually think that I want to do this, Spencer?!" Jamie was crying now, her voice coming out in short, breathy sobs. "We can't have what we want, not if I stay here!"

"I don't-"

"Don't you dare say that you don't understand! I've explained it enough for you to wrap your head around it, now just deal with it!"

Clothes were being thrown angrily into the suitcase on the floor. Jamie took handfuls of her belongings, shoving them down wherever they would fit. The tears made her vision too blurry and they wouldn't stop. On her knees, she quit throwing items into the suitcase and began to bawl. She hugged herself, her cries being heard throughout the whole apartment.

It was like he couldn't help himself. Even though the girl in front of him was breaking his heart, permanently impairing it, he got down next to her and wrapped her into right his embrace. It didn't surprise him when he felt his own tears rolling down his face. He pulled Jamie closer to him, holding her as they both sat on the floor in her mess of clothes. She didn't move away, she let him hold her close, because she was sure that this would be the last time he would be able to do that.

He kissed her head, brushing her loose hair away from her face. "Don't go...please."

A coward.

That's what she was and she wasn't going to deny it. As she moved through the darkness of the room, she kept her footsteps as light as possible. There was no longer a mess on the floor, her necessities all packed away, ready to be moved. She changed her clothes, dressed herself into a pair of jeans and a light sweatshirt with the CalTech logo on it. Jamie grabbed the large suitcase from the floor, careful to be light and steady with it. Glancing around the room one last time, she tried so hard to not look at the sleeping figure on the bed.

But she couldn't help it.

They had fallen asleep together, wrapped in each other's arms. Jamie woke first, realizing that what she was about to do would crush him. He might never forgive her, and she understood that. If he knew the truth, they would never go back to what they had now. They probably never would. She thought about the possibility of them seeing each other again one day, one day in the future when everything would be okay. She would be okay, and so would he...eventually.

Jamie stepped softly over to his sleeping form, running her hand lightly over his face. Her eyes threatened to spill more tears as she gave him one last kiss on his forehead. He was so exhausted and she knew that. Her green eyes lingered for a moment before she tore them away, grabbing her suitcase and carrying it out and down the stairs. When her feet hit the first floor, she took pictures in her mind, even though she knew she would never forget. Grabbing her keys from the counter, before she didn't have the will to leave, Jamie took her suitcase and exited the apartment. The door shut quietly and she locked it behind her.

Her car was waiting for her where she left it. She popped open the trunk, placing her heavy suitcase inside and closing the top. It was happening, she was actually going through with it. Jamie started the car and put it into drive. Pulling out of the parking garage went smoothly. She was able to do it without letting her emotions get the best of her. The money in her pocket was enough to get her a bus ticket to wherever she was planning to go; but she didn't even know herself where she was headed. The drive was silent. No music played in the background, not even a hum escaped her lips.

There's no reset button. Even if there was, there would be no forgetting the actions she was taking now. Her selfish decision would cost not only her, but the person she loved, devastating heartache. They would both be left to clean up the pieces and deal with the consequences themselves. It wasn't fair, not in the slightest. It didn't matter how good she was to him, or how much he loved her, this wound wouldn't heal with time.

When she got to the bus station, Jamie parked her car, knowing it would be the last time she saw that car. She got out, took her suitcase from the trunk and started walking towards the office to buy a ticket. There was no line, so Jamie stepped right up to the teller.

"Hi, uh..."

"Honey, are you alright?" The woman asked her from behind the glass

Jamie gave a humorless laugh as she shook her head. "No, not at all, but I need a ticket."

The woman nodded, eyeing Jamie warily. "Okay, what can I get for you?"

Jamie stood there for a moment, shifting her weight from leg to leg. She didn't know, she didn't know where she was supposed to go.

It didn't matter, though.

"What's the cheapest ticket you have out of California?"

Trying to move on was a constant battle. Just thinking about what she did, how she left him…and how she made a drastic decision, beat on her mind. It was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. No matter how hard she fought back, she was haunted by the feelings and the memories. At night, when she would lay in her bed in complete darkness, she felt weak. When she closed her tired, green eyes, all she saw were hazel ones staring back at her. She was alone, but she blamed nobody, except herself. The longing for a familiar body to embrace her stayed with her wherever she went. There were times when she thought she'd be brave enough to pick up the phone and dial his number. One call, maybe that's all it would take; but it never happened. It wouldn't do them any good, it would just trudge up unwanted emotions.

Then, somewhere along the way, life got easier. It didn't happen all at once, of course, but slowly and surely, it wasn't as hard to sleep at night. She felt guilty at times, but what can you do? There was a time when her mind and her heart told her that her life was over without him. That she couldn't ever be as happy as she was back then. For a long while, it felt like her world had stopped spinning, but everyone and everything else kept moving. The future scared her, even though she knew where she wanted to go. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months and months turned to years. Eventually, Jamie found that her world had started to spin again. One day she came to her senses and realized that the world didn't stop spinning, she stopped her world from spinning. It was gradual and messy, but it became constant. A newfound outlook on life led her to great things.

Jamie just never expected it to lead her back to him.

November 23rd, 2014

Living through it once was terrible enough, but having to watch it happen again and again, it was the work of something evil. Either that, or the buried guilt that Jamie felt was coming back to the surface. It all seemed so much worse while she was unconscious, all too vivid. The booming voices and the slamming doors, her footsteps out the door coming back to haunt her.

The voices, she could hear them. They weren't always clear, but they were there. It was like a vibration into her mind. Familiar wavelengths bouncing in and out of her ears.

"How is she doing?" JJ asked. Her voice was low, but it still sounding as sweet as ever.

"Doctor says she'll be fine. She lost a lot of blood, though, says she's lucky she got here when she did..."

Jamie felt like she couldn't move, like she was being restrained. The voices were carrying themselves to her, flowing into her mind. She needed to see who they were, where they were coming from.

"You shouldn't blame yourself, Spence. It's not your fault, it's not her fault, either."

He gave no response. His head dropped down into his hands and he released a sigh. JJ walked over to him, resting her hand lightly on his shoulder.

"It should've been me…" he said in a whisper.

"Spence…" JJ wasn't sure how to console her friend. Members of their team had been injured before, but this time it was just different. "You shouldn't talk like that. You heard the doctor, she's going to be okay."

"JJ, if it had been one more centimeter over, I never would get to tell her-" He stopped himself from rambling, from admitting out loud what he had felt for a while. There was anger within him, anger that blamed himself, even though he knew it wasn't his fault.

"…tell her what, Spence?"

"That I forgive her. That I forgave her a long time ago."

Thanks for reading and please remember to review! I would really appreciate it

If you like Supernatural, check out my other work(s): The Unforeseeable Life of Alexandra Winchester & Alexandra Winchester: One-Shots